so I've been spending a few days, staring at this page trying to craft a brilliant solution based end of year missive about life after death. frankly, I'm pulling a blank.
my friend Dan Barton sent me this Thomas Mann quote, "A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."
perhaps this is what drives me, the challenges. when life is about coasting, and there isn't much work to be done, it can be rather boring.
it is the struggle, the challenge, the suffering, the pain, the difficulties that present lessons and make life a far more interesting ride. I'm certainly not inviting struggle, in fact, I have great disdain for complications. but here I am, struggling.... my financial situation is a drag, I'm unemployed for the first time in my life for months and months and teetering on how I'm going to make it to next week.
ok, here come the groovy people, telling me to make a gratitude list. here's some gratitude, I'm grateful to be breathing air, right now, air, grateful air is going in and out of my lungs.
2010 was a wretched struggle. from beginning to end, I've peeled layers of the onion that revealed fear, pain and opened myself to the things I'd rather run from, mainly love.
yet, maybe there is much more to be grateful for.
tonight I gather with friends and facilitate a gathering where we come together to invite in the precepts, let go of what doesn't serve us, and set intentions for 2011. I feel a little bit like an imposter in my own skin, because I'm not sure I can stand up with my peers and say, I'm practicing these principals in all my affairs. maybe that's my intention... something simple like... bringing it back to the practice. getting back to basics, and putting mindfulness back into my daily life, letting go of expectations and outcomes and most importantly, continuing to walk through my fear and be ready for the true love that stands a few feet in front of me. it is very close. possibility is back in my heart. I am ready.
hmmm... maybe I do have a solution, maybe my torment was that I didn't want to just admit... I'm a human being like everyone else and it is ok to have to go back to the beginning and start fresh with what is next. perhaps I didn't die for nothing... it looks like my life on this side is still very different than where I was on June 14th 2009.... maybe there is gratitude beyond my breath, like my repaired relationship with my family and most importantly the close bond I have with my son. that I can be friends with my ex-husband and that he came to me and made his own amends. that I know that people LOVE me, people whom I value and care for greatly and respect and admire. most importantly, as corny as it might be... my heart is inside out today, the scar tissue turned inside and the vulnerable, raw bits are out there.... possibility has returned to me... I FEEL my heart beating inside my chest again... after all this time, and that is without a doubt something to be very, very grateful for.
so, 2010 might have been a sucky year, but it was full of milestones and a couple of kidney stones... all of which have passed.... just as tough times usually do.
so ... cheers! to whatever is next.... I stand up, spiritual warrior... ready to face life ahead, regardless of what date it is.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
2010 the year I died, and then what
lying on my deathbed watching the True Blood premier on June 13th,
I examined my year, my life.... and had but one regret....
I began my year with an adventure abroad.
When I came home, my life was still there...
so I made, changes, upped my practice, meditated more, and slowly chipped away at the toxicity of my life... and cleared out the things that messed with my serenity.
There was unfinished business and goals I might have held out on, had I not been dying.
I went back to school, I started and completed my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training, worked hard on my relationship with my son, made amends to my ex-husband and family... and made great strides and accomplishments. My life ended successfully.
but there was...
one regret....
so here I am, six months later, lingering on ... my one regret..... it is the thing I want most, and the thing that I have no control over.
on my deathbed, I practiced acceptance and decided that my life was not about what I don't have, but about what I do have. I agreed with myself, that I would let go and be ok with life as it is. life on life's terms. my karma would dictate my path.
as I let go... the floodgates opened... and the boy-attention began... without doing anything at all, they have come into my life, one by one, a parade of false starts. what is the redeeming quality of each of these potential suitors... I did nothing to seek them out or make them happen. they manifested on their own, no online dating or manipulative event planning. these guys, one by one, have come into my life organically. this should sound great, but actually, it kind of sucks. while I appreciate all the men that have and are flitting around me... I sense that these opportunities have been around me my entire life... I've just been too much of a control freak and life manipulator to notice them before.
regardless, it is irrelevant. my one regret still remains.
a lot of things in my life sorta suck right now. I'm not working, this semester kicked my ass, I got sick a lot this past fall, I'm gloomy a lot more than happy, I feel my suffering more deeply in my sobriety than ever before... life just feels hard right now. all these things, seem so inconsequential to the one thing that matters most.... Love. it comes in many forms, and I am lucky, I've manifested a lot of Love in my life. my friends and family and son love me greatly. even my sick twisted dysfunctional family Loves me. but there's that hole in my chest, no matter how hard I Love myself... it is that lesson I learned in death... nothing is more important... nothing caused me more pain... that I didn't find that one true great love before I died.
it's not like I'm dead, I'm here. I exist.
as the New Year approaches and people are thinking about their resolutions, I'm putting my energy on Intentions for 2011. the only thing I can come up with;
I set an intention to break through my fears about love....
I examined my year, my life.... and had but one regret....
I began my year with an adventure abroad.
When I came home, my life was still there...
so I made, changes, upped my practice, meditated more, and slowly chipped away at the toxicity of my life... and cleared out the things that messed with my serenity.
There was unfinished business and goals I might have held out on, had I not been dying.
I went back to school, I started and completed my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training, worked hard on my relationship with my son, made amends to my ex-husband and family... and made great strides and accomplishments. My life ended successfully.
but there was...
one regret....
so here I am, six months later, lingering on ... my one regret..... it is the thing I want most, and the thing that I have no control over.
on my deathbed, I practiced acceptance and decided that my life was not about what I don't have, but about what I do have. I agreed with myself, that I would let go and be ok with life as it is. life on life's terms. my karma would dictate my path.
as I let go... the floodgates opened... and the boy-attention began... without doing anything at all, they have come into my life, one by one, a parade of false starts. what is the redeeming quality of each of these potential suitors... I did nothing to seek them out or make them happen. they manifested on their own, no online dating or manipulative event planning. these guys, one by one, have come into my life organically. this should sound great, but actually, it kind of sucks. while I appreciate all the men that have and are flitting around me... I sense that these opportunities have been around me my entire life... I've just been too much of a control freak and life manipulator to notice them before.
regardless, it is irrelevant. my one regret still remains.
a lot of things in my life sorta suck right now. I'm not working, this semester kicked my ass, I got sick a lot this past fall, I'm gloomy a lot more than happy, I feel my suffering more deeply in my sobriety than ever before... life just feels hard right now. all these things, seem so inconsequential to the one thing that matters most.... Love. it comes in many forms, and I am lucky, I've manifested a lot of Love in my life. my friends and family and son love me greatly. even my sick twisted dysfunctional family Loves me. but there's that hole in my chest, no matter how hard I Love myself... it is that lesson I learned in death... nothing is more important... nothing caused me more pain... that I didn't find that one true great love before I died.
it's not like I'm dead, I'm here. I exist.
as the New Year approaches and people are thinking about their resolutions, I'm putting my energy on Intentions for 2011. the only thing I can come up with;
I set an intention to break through my fears about love....
Sunday, September 5, 2010
what did I die for anyway?
life after death isn't really all it's cracked up to be.
after putting so much effort to make the most out of my life, I found myself creeping right back into the old patterns I thought I had left behind. it was unreasonable and unfair to myself to assume that I was transformed to such an extent that everything would be ultimately different. its not.
Life hasn't changed!
ok, maybe I'm being a bit of a drama queen here, but I did find myself going back into some old patterns that I worked so hard to get out of the Year I died.
before I died, I was working for a micro-managing abusive boss in a toxic work environment that was going to kill me if I didn't kill myself first. I swore, I'd never allow myself to work in a toxic workplace again.
maybe that is the point, that all workplaces are toxic to some degree, but I think it is something else. it is a kind of person that I work for, the micro manager that slowly abuses me and verbally harms me with words that are difficult to pull myself out from under.
if you hadn't heard, I lost a job I was pretty psyched about last week. I jumped right in and worked very hard from the starting gate. by day three, my new boss was telling me, "I don't know if this is going to work," and I heard her say this over and over and over.
by the time we got to six weeks, my fear in approaching her or talking to her about anything related to my performance was evolving, and I could feel that painful twang and fear I had felt before at 'the restaurant'. it was amazing, how could two totally different people have the same motivational tactic that caused me so much strife?
school started last week, and it was understood I'd be returning on August 30th. after putting off some very serious administrative issues I had no choice but to put me first and go deal with the paperwork. while running around like a chicken with its head cut off, literally, I was asking myself, what the fuck did I die for?
what's more important? and I realized, while crying my eyes out trying to fix my account with student accounts, how badly I wanted to be back in school and the big priority completing my education is to ME.
I didn't die to beg another stupid boss to treat me like a human being and allow me to a good job and notice me. I died to live my life in a way that was fruitful, and productive. There was a commitment I made to myself when I died, and one of those gifts was my education and finishing my degree at Bard.
I made other commitments. I finish my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training next weekend! there's my commitment to practice and the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group. to be healthy, eat better, be more compassionate, be in service, do more yoga, work out at the gym, spend time with my son, be a great mom.
this summer after my death, I did 'Me' half assed because I was in fear. I tip toed around Me because I was scrambling and afraid that I couldn't support my son and I. in reality, I missed out on a lot of the promises and plans I made to myself, my kiddo, and my community.
In my mind, I keep hearing myself say, "what the fuck did I die for?"
I've been wanting to respond to the question on this blog, but up until this morning at 8am on a holiday sunday, it hit me... I DIED FOR ME and it is time to get back to that commitment and honor it.
last night, the topic of the unmentionable meeting was about putting 'sobriety' first. I challenge that idea and say that it is really more about putting 'ME' first. if you're a working mom like me, you know that ain't easy. it takes immense practice to put 'ME' ahead of other things.
when I got let go from my beloved new job via voicemail, where I was called unprofessional, by voicemail (WTF!) not only was I sad, angry, hurt, betrayed and dismayed....... (NOTE: Clearly I'm writing this with a lot of resentments still and I'm aware that there are many lessons here for me) I was also RELIEVED! sounds crazy right? I was let go of having to please someone else who was setting me up to fail as a form of motivation. I could stop running on a hamster wheel, and get back to the life I died for.
after our annual three week summer break, I get my Zman back today. I offered to get him a day early so we could 'hang' out and spend some time together before he starts school on Tuesday. I'm putting this down on proverbial paper, to say, I want to insure that I'm honoring my commitment to be present and honor my little kiddo.
so let's review the gifts of death I was so happy about only three months ago;
my motherhood, which is a miracle
my spiritual practice, meditation, yoga
my body, working out, eating more compassionately
my spiritual training, completing my Facilitator Training
my education, back in school
my family, I still need to make amends to my sister
maybe I need to create a 'Grateful to be Dead' list and keep it handy, so I can continue to remind myself what I reincarnated back to this life for. hmmmm...... that sounds like a good idea!
it feels as though I died years ago. it was really easy to get away from the importance of my death and the lessons that came with it. the transitions of the past week were substantial, and I'm very thankful for the wake up call to get back into my life and honor the things that are true to ME.
after putting so much effort to make the most out of my life, I found myself creeping right back into the old patterns I thought I had left behind. it was unreasonable and unfair to myself to assume that I was transformed to such an extent that everything would be ultimately different. its not.
Life hasn't changed!
ok, maybe I'm being a bit of a drama queen here, but I did find myself going back into some old patterns that I worked so hard to get out of the Year I died.
before I died, I was working for a micro-managing abusive boss in a toxic work environment that was going to kill me if I didn't kill myself first. I swore, I'd never allow myself to work in a toxic workplace again.
maybe that is the point, that all workplaces are toxic to some degree, but I think it is something else. it is a kind of person that I work for, the micro manager that slowly abuses me and verbally harms me with words that are difficult to pull myself out from under.
if you hadn't heard, I lost a job I was pretty psyched about last week. I jumped right in and worked very hard from the starting gate. by day three, my new boss was telling me, "I don't know if this is going to work," and I heard her say this over and over and over.
by the time we got to six weeks, my fear in approaching her or talking to her about anything related to my performance was evolving, and I could feel that painful twang and fear I had felt before at 'the restaurant'. it was amazing, how could two totally different people have the same motivational tactic that caused me so much strife?
school started last week, and it was understood I'd be returning on August 30th. after putting off some very serious administrative issues I had no choice but to put me first and go deal with the paperwork. while running around like a chicken with its head cut off, literally, I was asking myself, what the fuck did I die for?
what's more important? and I realized, while crying my eyes out trying to fix my account with student accounts, how badly I wanted to be back in school and the big priority completing my education is to ME.
I didn't die to beg another stupid boss to treat me like a human being and allow me to a good job and notice me. I died to live my life in a way that was fruitful, and productive. There was a commitment I made to myself when I died, and one of those gifts was my education and finishing my degree at Bard.
I made other commitments. I finish my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training next weekend! there's my commitment to practice and the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group. to be healthy, eat better, be more compassionate, be in service, do more yoga, work out at the gym, spend time with my son, be a great mom.
this summer after my death, I did 'Me' half assed because I was in fear. I tip toed around Me because I was scrambling and afraid that I couldn't support my son and I. in reality, I missed out on a lot of the promises and plans I made to myself, my kiddo, and my community.
In my mind, I keep hearing myself say, "what the fuck did I die for?"
I've been wanting to respond to the question on this blog, but up until this morning at 8am on a holiday sunday, it hit me... I DIED FOR ME and it is time to get back to that commitment and honor it.
last night, the topic of the unmentionable meeting was about putting 'sobriety' first. I challenge that idea and say that it is really more about putting 'ME' first. if you're a working mom like me, you know that ain't easy. it takes immense practice to put 'ME' ahead of other things.
when I got let go from my beloved new job via voicemail, where I was called unprofessional, by voicemail (WTF!) not only was I sad, angry, hurt, betrayed and dismayed....... (NOTE: Clearly I'm writing this with a lot of resentments still and I'm aware that there are many lessons here for me) I was also RELIEVED! sounds crazy right? I was let go of having to please someone else who was setting me up to fail as a form of motivation. I could stop running on a hamster wheel, and get back to the life I died for.
after our annual three week summer break, I get my Zman back today. I offered to get him a day early so we could 'hang' out and spend some time together before he starts school on Tuesday. I'm putting this down on proverbial paper, to say, I want to insure that I'm honoring my commitment to be present and honor my little kiddo.
so let's review the gifts of death I was so happy about only three months ago;
my motherhood, which is a miracle
my spiritual practice, meditation, yoga
my body, working out, eating more compassionately
my spiritual training, completing my Facilitator Training
my education, back in school
my family, I still need to make amends to my sister
maybe I need to create a 'Grateful to be Dead' list and keep it handy, so I can continue to remind myself what I reincarnated back to this life for. hmmmm...... that sounds like a good idea!
it feels as though I died years ago. it was really easy to get away from the importance of my death and the lessons that came with it. the transitions of the past week were substantial, and I'm very thankful for the wake up call to get back into my life and honor the things that are true to ME.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Last Will... living or otherwise
My name is Elissa Jane Mastel, I'm a divorced woman, and this is my last will.
I have a child, Zoren Mastel born 2002 that I want to provide for.
Anything I have in regards to finances or property will automatically transfer to Zoren. My life insurance policy, mutual funds, savings, etc... All go to the Zman. There is a college fund set up in his name as well.
I name my mother Doris Hillman and my ex-husband Randall Mastel as co-executors of my estate. Robert S. Hillman is named as the alternate executor of my estate.
I award legal guardianship of my son to Randall Mastel & Doris Hillman, and name my sister Rachel Hillman as the alternate.
Rachel Hillman is the trustee for the child trust created by this Will.
Burial Instructions
I wish to be cremated. I want to be cremated and thrown into the ocean from a high cliff. You can put a bench there for people to sit on in my name. There should be music, and I want you to play "Lucky" by Radiohead as you spread my ashes into the ocean. It can be any beach or sea, I just want to make sure I end up back from where man came from... the water.
I want the service to be performed by my family, no religious person or denomination shall be present. I'd like there to be a 10 minute silent meditation after I'm put in the ocean, just quiet.
that's it....
I have a child, Zoren Mastel born 2002 that I want to provide for.
Anything I have in regards to finances or property will automatically transfer to Zoren. My life insurance policy, mutual funds, savings, etc... All go to the Zman. There is a college fund set up in his name as well.
I name my mother Doris Hillman and my ex-husband Randall Mastel as co-executors of my estate. Robert S. Hillman is named as the alternate executor of my estate.
I award legal guardianship of my son to Randall Mastel & Doris Hillman, and name my sister Rachel Hillman as the alternate.
Rachel Hillman is the trustee for the child trust created by this Will.
Burial Instructions
I wish to be cremated. I want to be cremated and thrown into the ocean from a high cliff. You can put a bench there for people to sit on in my name. There should be music, and I want you to play "Lucky" by Radiohead as you spread my ashes into the ocean. It can be any beach or sea, I just want to make sure I end up back from where man came from... the water.
I want the service to be performed by my family, no religious person or denomination shall be present. I'd like there to be a 10 minute silent meditation after I'm put in the ocean, just quiet.
that's it....
Z says....
tonight, Zman came home from his Dad's, and we had a wonderful almost last night together. I cooked dinner, and we watched the latest Star Trek movie.
we cuddled on the couch, took a break to see the fireflies glittering up the hazy rainy night, stayed up late, and I let him curl up and fall asleep on me as though he were still my little baby. he insisted on sleeping in my bed, as this could be the last night he gets to snuggle me. I obliged.
as we curled up, and snuggled up in my bed, he made the following observations, which I feel sum up my Year to Live Practice very well;
I'm filled with GRATITUDE that this experience was so inclusive of him, and that he and I morphed together during this journey.
he promised, next time if I'm really dying, he'll snuggle me every night, even if he's all grown up.
if I didn't have this year on the line, I might not have had the wake up call about changing the way I parent. it brings me so much joy that my son has a mindful and present mom. I love being Z's mom, and I'm so glad I didn't let another second go by where I took that for granted.
we cuddled on the couch, took a break to see the fireflies glittering up the hazy rainy night, stayed up late, and I let him curl up and fall asleep on me as though he were still my little baby. he insisted on sleeping in my bed, as this could be the last night he gets to snuggle me. I obliged.
as we curled up, and snuggled up in my bed, he made the following observations, which I feel sum up my Year to Live Practice very well;
- The year went very fast, I remember everything. All the details. It seems like you just started yesterday.
- You're different because you don't just sit on the couch and do nothing, you're a good mommy and you play with me now.
- I like that you try all these new things, like the snowboarding, going to the gym and surfing and that you got me to learn those things with you too.
- You used to be so angry all the time, like mean and angry and now you're not.
- The mornings are cool because you don't yell so much anymore.
- I like that you do stuff with me, like play games and hang out like a real mommy.
- And the most important part is that you seem really happy a lot, and that's really cool.
- I'm glad you're not really dying, but if you were it would go so fast. I'm glad we played this game, because it was scary but good at the same time.
- I Love You Mamma.
I'm filled with GRATITUDE that this experience was so inclusive of him, and that he and I morphed together during this journey.
he promised, next time if I'm really dying, he'll snuggle me every night, even if he's all grown up.
if I didn't have this year on the line, I might not have had the wake up call about changing the way I parent. it brings me so much joy that my son has a mindful and present mom. I love being Z's mom, and I'm so glad I didn't let another second go by where I took that for granted.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Unfulfilled Love
tonight, I spent the night strolling the boardwalk by the beach, with a few tears in my eyes. as I count down the final week of my life, there is one thing I didn't get to have....
I didn't find Love before I Die.
ok... it was a wish, not something I could really control, but there it is.
if I were really to die next week, I'd be emphatically sad that I didn't have the chance to find Love again.
there are no soul mates, I don't believe in fairy tales like that. if there was a "The One" then I'd have blown through quite a few "The Ones" already and thus, used up my soul mate allowance for a lifetime.
true love is more like a brilliant mathamatical biological puzzle to me;
timing+chemistry=Love
Love is Elusive, that Chemistry feels unique each time, because there are so few men out there uniquely compatible to me.
let's face it, I'm really really weird, different, not traditionally 'pretty', really smart like Mensa smart and a tinge of wackdoodle crazy. there aren't a lot of chicks out there like me, and typically I'm not what most guys visually look for. I'm an unusual flavor, difficult to categorize and match up. I refuse to play the rules, pretend to be dim witted, lay down as a submissive helpless female and dumb myself down to attract a mate. if men only knew how calculating most women are in affairs of the heart. I'm genuinely terrible at that game.
two years ago, I met someone who really got it about me, someone that had that chemistry and spark, that passion and intellectual and spiritual curiosity. the connection was undeniable.... and, I blew it. and here I am, on the verge of imminent death, and of all the regrets I could be grappling with, the one thing I am most sad about on this windy summer evening on the beach... how I messed up, how I blew it two years ago and how badly I want to make amends before I die. I will tell you that I have tried, on more than a few occasions to reach out and apologize for the way I sabotaged this chance at the real thing. as he said to me, "this just doesn't happen every day."
and I blew it.
since then, before then, and up to now, I haven't met anyone who plays at my heart strings quite like this man did.
two years later, on my virtual deathbed, and I long for the man who got away, and feel incredibly sad that Love eluded me after all this time.
the Buddha taught us that it is our attachments that cause us suffering and that everything is impermanent. so how do I cope with my biological urge to want to be coupled with a partner. is this an attachment I need to let go of? do I need to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life in order to evade suffering the attachment so someone else might cause me? there's a loophole here. we are meant to be coupled, it is our animal nature to crave coupling. so by going against this, would I be more spiritual?
I could become a monastic, separate myself from real life and remove the temptation of falling in Love. but that isn't being true to myself. I am a woman, in the real world and I want to be open to the feelings of wanting to be coupled. it seems so natural, biological, something we all want.
they can write a million dating books for women, telling women to be bitches, withhold sex, pretend not to care, etc... but the reality is...
We Have NO Control over LOVE and how it comes or when. if one has to manipulate a mate, then it just isn't Love in my opinion. so my dying want is a wish, not something I can control. it is not my fault that I am not in love right now or partnered. it is just the way it is for me now.
there is nothing I could have done differently this year that would have brought me love sooner. LOVE is something that comes to you in its time, unfortunately, it didn't come in My Time.
sigh.
I didn't find Love before I Die.
ok... it was a wish, not something I could really control, but there it is.
if I were really to die next week, I'd be emphatically sad that I didn't have the chance to find Love again.
there are no soul mates, I don't believe in fairy tales like that. if there was a "The One" then I'd have blown through quite a few "The Ones" already and thus, used up my soul mate allowance for a lifetime.
true love is more like a brilliant mathamatical biological puzzle to me;
timing+chemistry=Love
Love is Elusive, that Chemistry feels unique each time, because there are so few men out there uniquely compatible to me.
let's face it, I'm really really weird, different, not traditionally 'pretty', really smart like Mensa smart and a tinge of wackdoodle crazy. there aren't a lot of chicks out there like me, and typically I'm not what most guys visually look for. I'm an unusual flavor, difficult to categorize and match up. I refuse to play the rules, pretend to be dim witted, lay down as a submissive helpless female and dumb myself down to attract a mate. if men only knew how calculating most women are in affairs of the heart. I'm genuinely terrible at that game.
two years ago, I met someone who really got it about me, someone that had that chemistry and spark, that passion and intellectual and spiritual curiosity. the connection was undeniable.... and, I blew it. and here I am, on the verge of imminent death, and of all the regrets I could be grappling with, the one thing I am most sad about on this windy summer evening on the beach... how I messed up, how I blew it two years ago and how badly I want to make amends before I die. I will tell you that I have tried, on more than a few occasions to reach out and apologize for the way I sabotaged this chance at the real thing. as he said to me, "this just doesn't happen every day."
and I blew it.
since then, before then, and up to now, I haven't met anyone who plays at my heart strings quite like this man did.
two years later, on my virtual deathbed, and I long for the man who got away, and feel incredibly sad that Love eluded me after all this time.
the Buddha taught us that it is our attachments that cause us suffering and that everything is impermanent. so how do I cope with my biological urge to want to be coupled with a partner. is this an attachment I need to let go of? do I need to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life in order to evade suffering the attachment so someone else might cause me? there's a loophole here. we are meant to be coupled, it is our animal nature to crave coupling. so by going against this, would I be more spiritual?
I could become a monastic, separate myself from real life and remove the temptation of falling in Love. but that isn't being true to myself. I am a woman, in the real world and I want to be open to the feelings of wanting to be coupled. it seems so natural, biological, something we all want.
they can write a million dating books for women, telling women to be bitches, withhold sex, pretend not to care, etc... but the reality is...
We Have NO Control over LOVE and how it comes or when. if one has to manipulate a mate, then it just isn't Love in my opinion. so my dying want is a wish, not something I can control. it is not my fault that I am not in love right now or partnered. it is just the way it is for me now.
there is nothing I could have done differently this year that would have brought me love sooner. LOVE is something that comes to you in its time, unfortunately, it didn't come in My Time.
sigh.
Friday, June 4, 2010
home stretch
I've tried to write this entry about 5 times in the past couple of days. Without using any references, I would easily believe that nothing has really changed over the past year. That I didn't do enough, step up my spiritual practice enough, mediate enough or really refer to the course as it was laid out in the book correctly.
Without a lot of effort, I can easily muster up self-judgment that I didn't do this last year 'right'.
But how do you die correctly? Is there a right and wrong as to how I was supposed to do this?
In reality, if I look back to a year ago and compare it to today, there is NO QUESTION that I have definitely made some life altering changes this year, and that the motivation was the Year to Live Practice.
Last night, I gave myself one of my few remaining dying wishes, and saw Michael Franti Live one more time with my good friends. A year ago, we had all gone to see anther concert... same group... different Me. As I stood among the masses of people, sometimes in the company of one, or alone, or with the entire group, I realized how different I was from last year to now. I've found ease, and gentleness in my social circle. I can be effervescent and say nothing at the same time. I can just be, and I have found comfort in my skin as never before.
The darkness and loneliness I have wallowed in for so many years has lifted. I have unloaded toxic behaviors beyond my drinking and drugging.
The feeling of attachment and the "need" for an elusive something has slipped away.
I have found serenity, and connection to not just my friends but to people. My metta practice has grown, I am able to offer compassion, understanding, joy and light to others. It's not some bullshit hippie thing, but something that has emerged for me and brings me peace.
I've broken through layers of fear that have prevented me from connecting to the present moment. Mindfulness comes a little more naturally. Last night, it was as though I was fully there, in my body, without the effort my less trained mind has had to put forth in the past.
Dancing in the crowd... getting closer and closer to the stage... feeling the music, each song, each beat... letting go of everything but the present moment, I was able to really really enjoy the night. More and more, I'm cognoscente of when I'm mindful and have a little more ease being in a state of mindfulness.
So, how much time is left? a little over a week.
Yeah, there are some things I'd hoped to experience this year that didn't happen. I didn't fall in love. I didn't fully transform my career path. My house is still messy. I didn't lose the weight entirely (but I've decided the 41 by 41 can be during the year I am 41, see softening and gentleness for me).
Those things are minor in comparison to what I have accomplished.... a year at Bard on full scholarship, almost done with DP Facilitator Training, a year of being in service offering meditation, an improved relationship with my son, I made the big amends to my parents and ex-husband, taking care of myself and focusing on me, and yeah, I didn't really fall 'in love' but, I have definitely learned to Love Me. That seems so much more important in the grand scheme.
With a week to go, there are a few details to attend to; the will and my funeral plans.
Without a lot of effort, I can easily muster up self-judgment that I didn't do this last year 'right'.
But how do you die correctly? Is there a right and wrong as to how I was supposed to do this?
In reality, if I look back to a year ago and compare it to today, there is NO QUESTION that I have definitely made some life altering changes this year, and that the motivation was the Year to Live Practice.
Last night, I gave myself one of my few remaining dying wishes, and saw Michael Franti Live one more time with my good friends. A year ago, we had all gone to see anther concert... same group... different Me. As I stood among the masses of people, sometimes in the company of one, or alone, or with the entire group, I realized how different I was from last year to now. I've found ease, and gentleness in my social circle. I can be effervescent and say nothing at the same time. I can just be, and I have found comfort in my skin as never before.
The darkness and loneliness I have wallowed in for so many years has lifted. I have unloaded toxic behaviors beyond my drinking and drugging.
The feeling of attachment and the "need" for an elusive something has slipped away.
I have found serenity, and connection to not just my friends but to people. My metta practice has grown, I am able to offer compassion, understanding, joy and light to others. It's not some bullshit hippie thing, but something that has emerged for me and brings me peace.
I've broken through layers of fear that have prevented me from connecting to the present moment. Mindfulness comes a little more naturally. Last night, it was as though I was fully there, in my body, without the effort my less trained mind has had to put forth in the past.
Dancing in the crowd... getting closer and closer to the stage... feeling the music, each song, each beat... letting go of everything but the present moment, I was able to really really enjoy the night. More and more, I'm cognoscente of when I'm mindful and have a little more ease being in a state of mindfulness.
So, how much time is left? a little over a week.
Yeah, there are some things I'd hoped to experience this year that didn't happen. I didn't fall in love. I didn't fully transform my career path. My house is still messy. I didn't lose the weight entirely (but I've decided the 41 by 41 can be during the year I am 41, see softening and gentleness for me).
Those things are minor in comparison to what I have accomplished.... a year at Bard on full scholarship, almost done with DP Facilitator Training, a year of being in service offering meditation, an improved relationship with my son, I made the big amends to my parents and ex-husband, taking care of myself and focusing on me, and yeah, I didn't really fall 'in love' but, I have definitely learned to Love Me. That seems so much more important in the grand scheme.
With a week to go, there are a few details to attend to; the will and my funeral plans.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
41 by 41
58 days left to live.
that's not much time.
I'm really feeling the pressure to 'get it done'. get what done? get through the final laundry list of things I want to accomplish before my funeral.
about a week ago, I was noshing at a small restaurant in Woodstock. in such close quarters, I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the various conversations around me. there was a woman at a nearby table going on about her new age woo woo workshop for women. she was talking all about her coaching techniques, and going on about people and the things they want.
it made me think, what do I want?
then she said it, the one little ditty that stuck to my brain.
in order to get the thing we want
we need to get rid of the thing that is keeping us from getting it
wow, how simple. really is that it?
so I have been pondering my life and it's impending end. I've made so many awesome changes this year thus far. I've been true to me and have broken through some tough challenges. I've made amends to the most important people on my list (well, not my sister yet, but hopefully I'll get there soon). I'm making positive changes, classes, facilitator training, school and yoga practice. my son and I couldn't be tighter. I'm living life to the fullest, and being mindful.
so what's missing? oh come on, you can guess.
the thing I'd really like to have in my life is a partner. I'm dying alone, and this makes me sad.
so what is the thing that is keeping me from finding romantic companionship?
I've created a wall around myself out of fear. ok, not just the psychological wall, but an actual wall. I stepped on a scale about a month ago, and let me tell you, I had no idea I'd gotten so heavy. how did this happen? it's emotional. it's my barrier between me and them. it's protection I've created, so that I can keep from getting hurt.
that wall comes down, and it's coming down now.
I'm back on my workout, gym, running, yoga regime. this is not a joke... it's on. starting that day, I realized what's keeping me from what I want is 'the wall'. now I'm going to do something women never do.... I'm going to divulge my personal goal out loud here online... I'm going to lose 41 lbs by June 14th, my 41st birthday and the date of my death.
so, when you see me at my funeral, I'll be 125 lbs, a size 8. seems crazy? yeah, I know, but I'm going for it.
huff huff huff.... here I go. I'm getting rid of the 'thing' that is keeping me from what I deserve.
that's not much time.
I'm really feeling the pressure to 'get it done'. get what done? get through the final laundry list of things I want to accomplish before my funeral.
about a week ago, I was noshing at a small restaurant in Woodstock. in such close quarters, I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the various conversations around me. there was a woman at a nearby table going on about her new age woo woo workshop for women. she was talking all about her coaching techniques, and going on about people and the things they want.
it made me think, what do I want?
then she said it, the one little ditty that stuck to my brain.
in order to get the thing we want
we need to get rid of the thing that is keeping us from getting it
wow, how simple. really is that it?
so I have been pondering my life and it's impending end. I've made so many awesome changes this year thus far. I've been true to me and have broken through some tough challenges. I've made amends to the most important people on my list (well, not my sister yet, but hopefully I'll get there soon). I'm making positive changes, classes, facilitator training, school and yoga practice. my son and I couldn't be tighter. I'm living life to the fullest, and being mindful.
so what's missing? oh come on, you can guess.
the thing I'd really like to have in my life is a partner. I'm dying alone, and this makes me sad.
so what is the thing that is keeping me from finding romantic companionship?
I've created a wall around myself out of fear. ok, not just the psychological wall, but an actual wall. I stepped on a scale about a month ago, and let me tell you, I had no idea I'd gotten so heavy. how did this happen? it's emotional. it's my barrier between me and them. it's protection I've created, so that I can keep from getting hurt.
that wall comes down, and it's coming down now.
I'm back on my workout, gym, running, yoga regime. this is not a joke... it's on. starting that day, I realized what's keeping me from what I want is 'the wall'. now I'm going to do something women never do.... I'm going to divulge my personal goal out loud here online... I'm going to lose 41 lbs by June 14th, my 41st birthday and the date of my death.
so, when you see me at my funeral, I'll be 125 lbs, a size 8. seems crazy? yeah, I know, but I'm going for it.
huff huff huff.... here I go. I'm getting rid of the 'thing' that is keeping me from what I deserve.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
passover the small talk will ya?
part of the process
in my Year to Live Practice
is to make amends to those I have harmed before I die.
with my death looming, I've kicked up my step work in an effort to get to the part where I start making amends to those I've harmed.
some of the amends have been met with hugs, and smile
and I've walked away feeling a sense of inner peace,
but there were two amends on my list I was afraid I'd never finish in time; my ex-husband and my parents.
you see, I could make amends to thousands of people, I've done a lot of damage and I know there is no way I will be able to get to everyone I've harmed.
it took me years to see, that I genuinely hurt my ex-husband and broke his heart. I didn't leave him with dignity. I broke his heart in an effort to insure I'd truly be ending my marriage.
how would I make an amends to this man?
I chose to grant him an uncontested divorce, and give him closure as my active amends.
by divorcing my now ex-husband, and walking through it with dignity
no fighting
no court
no battle
just surrender
I offered an amends, I gave him closure
I recognized that I hurt him and broke his heart
I stopped hating him and hanging onto resentments
I have forgiven him, over and over
but I needed to find a place
to forgive myself.
signing the papers was scary, but in the end, I did it for him and gave him the peace
he was begging me for. does it change anything? for me no, for him yes.
but there was a bigger hurdle to leap over
I knew I wanted to make amends to my parents before I 'die'.
last night, unplanned, far from prepared, it happened.
at Passover dinner, my father said something that totally triggered me and my abandonment issues. it was as though I was fired with a shot that changed the moment so quickly.
I wasn't ready.
I had nothing thought out, no mental script to draw from.
In a panic, the pain of the feeling of being less than his other children emerged.
I felt like I felt the day I begged him to be my dad again in the Lowes Hotel so many years ago, I felt unheard, misunderstood, and unaccepted.
one reaction, to something so matter a fact, changed everything.
but this time, the family dynamic was altered.
the universe answered my unanswered prayers.
my mother insisted I stay, and for the first time in 40 years,
my mother, my father and I talked, really talked.
we had the talk, I never thought we'd have.
we came to an understanding, not the kind you see in the movies, but something real.
and.... I came clean, and answered to my part. I took responsibility and told them how I genuinely wanted to make amends.
you would think so many different outcomes might have concluded the long emotional talk, but the ending was the true surprise.
when I asked my parents, what my action amends could be, to make up for my past mistakes, my mother responded with, "I want you to take care of yourself, your health and to be happy." there was more, but this was the gist.
and there it was, the finale to my most important amends, the one I was afraid of. I can take my parents off my 9th step list.
I walked out of the building, exhausted, when 'god's voicemail' went off through the mouth of the doorman. a man I barely ever talk to, the guy who opens the door to my mother's building stopped me on the way out, and said, "I've watched your son grow, he's amazing, you have a beautiful son, every time I see him he makes me smile, he's such an amazing kid, God Bless You." and then he hugged me. this was really surreal!
in the end, if nothing else, if all my life I've made horrible choices, I've done one thing right. I made an incredible kid, and my legacy will live on in his heart and spirit.
this morning, I awoke with a painful emotional hangover. but life goes on, school was waiting. I got up, got dressed, got my work done ... and at the end of the day, I gave myself a mini-staycation retreat, and took a yoga class followed by a guided meditation. as I promised, I did something nice for me, and took care of my heart and my soul.
clock is ticking, only a few short months left... time to make a final list of the things I want to accomplish before my Funeral.
in my Year to Live Practice
is to make amends to those I have harmed before I die.
with my death looming, I've kicked up my step work in an effort to get to the part where I start making amends to those I've harmed.
some of the amends have been met with hugs, and smile
and I've walked away feeling a sense of inner peace,
but there were two amends on my list I was afraid I'd never finish in time; my ex-husband and my parents.
you see, I could make amends to thousands of people, I've done a lot of damage and I know there is no way I will be able to get to everyone I've harmed.
it took me years to see, that I genuinely hurt my ex-husband and broke his heart. I didn't leave him with dignity. I broke his heart in an effort to insure I'd truly be ending my marriage.
how would I make an amends to this man?
I chose to grant him an uncontested divorce, and give him closure as my active amends.
by divorcing my now ex-husband, and walking through it with dignity
no fighting
no court
no battle
just surrender
I offered an amends, I gave him closure
I recognized that I hurt him and broke his heart
I stopped hating him and hanging onto resentments
I have forgiven him, over and over
but I needed to find a place
to forgive myself.
signing the papers was scary, but in the end, I did it for him and gave him the peace
he was begging me for. does it change anything? for me no, for him yes.
but there was a bigger hurdle to leap over
I knew I wanted to make amends to my parents before I 'die'.
last night, unplanned, far from prepared, it happened.
at Passover dinner, my father said something that totally triggered me and my abandonment issues. it was as though I was fired with a shot that changed the moment so quickly.
I wasn't ready.
I had nothing thought out, no mental script to draw from.
In a panic, the pain of the feeling of being less than his other children emerged.
I felt like I felt the day I begged him to be my dad again in the Lowes Hotel so many years ago, I felt unheard, misunderstood, and unaccepted.
one reaction, to something so matter a fact, changed everything.
but this time, the family dynamic was altered.
the universe answered my unanswered prayers.
my mother insisted I stay, and for the first time in 40 years,
my mother, my father and I talked, really talked.
we had the talk, I never thought we'd have.
we came to an understanding, not the kind you see in the movies, but something real.
and.... I came clean, and answered to my part. I took responsibility and told them how I genuinely wanted to make amends.
you would think so many different outcomes might have concluded the long emotional talk, but the ending was the true surprise.
when I asked my parents, what my action amends could be, to make up for my past mistakes, my mother responded with, "I want you to take care of yourself, your health and to be happy." there was more, but this was the gist.
and there it was, the finale to my most important amends, the one I was afraid of. I can take my parents off my 9th step list.
I walked out of the building, exhausted, when 'god's voicemail' went off through the mouth of the doorman. a man I barely ever talk to, the guy who opens the door to my mother's building stopped me on the way out, and said, "I've watched your son grow, he's amazing, you have a beautiful son, every time I see him he makes me smile, he's such an amazing kid, God Bless You." and then he hugged me. this was really surreal!
in the end, if nothing else, if all my life I've made horrible choices, I've done one thing right. I made an incredible kid, and my legacy will live on in his heart and spirit.
this morning, I awoke with a painful emotional hangover. but life goes on, school was waiting. I got up, got dressed, got my work done ... and at the end of the day, I gave myself a mini-staycation retreat, and took a yoga class followed by a guided meditation. as I promised, I did something nice for me, and took care of my heart and my soul.
clock is ticking, only a few short months left... time to make a final list of the things I want to accomplish before my Funeral.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
got skillz?
skillful
unskillful
I've used these two words in a sentence more time in the past week, than ever before. but what do they even mean?
on New Year's Eve, I set the intention to practice Right Speech.
now ... I'm investigating and coming to terms with what this really means. beyond my gossip and sarcasm, there is something more important to review. not just right, but also skillful speech. to understand how I use words, language, expression, my writing to communicate and to be more aware of how my communication effects others.
last night, we talked about responsibility. I questioned, have I been truly responsible with my speech? did I use my speech skillfully?
it goes beyond right intentions but actually putting forth skillful action and well realized words.
I've begun a new task for the next thirty days, I am holding myself accountable to my word. in the mornings, I state my intentions for the day, meditate, shower, get dressed and live the day by doing what I've set the intention to do. my life to-do lists are very simple; daily tasks, homework, chores, meditation, yoga and reading. nothing that involves expectations, just making sure I'm doing my life and the footwork to complete tasks that need to get done in the midst of my life in motion.
so back to this skillful thing.
what does it mean to be a skillful practitioner.....
this is something new for me to learn. it's not something I can answer right now or today.
my point of view isn't right, it is skewed by my ego. I have lived a lifetime of thinking I know what is best for me and for everyone else, but all of my being 'right' has been totally utterly wrong. oh no, what?
yes, my view has been skewed.
back to the drawing board.
my practice takes a new shape a new form.
time to step back, and remove my need to label and opinionize (yeah, I made up a word) things. this is gonna take some work!
I definitely hit a new layer of the onion and whew, man, it really made me cry. damn sting as you cut this thing open!
all my righteous advice, and solution knowing brain is swirling into a bubbling mess that needs to be extricated from my brain. fortunately, there is an answer to this.
to keep sitting with what is.
sit every morning.
sit every day.
take care of my heart, mind and body.
breathe.....
and get clear that the knowing, may truly be knowing nothing at all except what is in this very moment.
unskillful
I've used these two words in a sentence more time in the past week, than ever before. but what do they even mean?
on New Year's Eve, I set the intention to practice Right Speech.
now ... I'm investigating and coming to terms with what this really means. beyond my gossip and sarcasm, there is something more important to review. not just right, but also skillful speech. to understand how I use words, language, expression, my writing to communicate and to be more aware of how my communication effects others.
last night, we talked about responsibility. I questioned, have I been truly responsible with my speech? did I use my speech skillfully?
it goes beyond right intentions but actually putting forth skillful action and well realized words.
I've begun a new task for the next thirty days, I am holding myself accountable to my word. in the mornings, I state my intentions for the day, meditate, shower, get dressed and live the day by doing what I've set the intention to do. my life to-do lists are very simple; daily tasks, homework, chores, meditation, yoga and reading. nothing that involves expectations, just making sure I'm doing my life and the footwork to complete tasks that need to get done in the midst of my life in motion.
so back to this skillful thing.
what does it mean to be a skillful practitioner.....
this is something new for me to learn. it's not something I can answer right now or today.
my point of view isn't right, it is skewed by my ego. I have lived a lifetime of thinking I know what is best for me and for everyone else, but all of my being 'right' has been totally utterly wrong. oh no, what?
yes, my view has been skewed.
back to the drawing board.
my practice takes a new shape a new form.
time to step back, and remove my need to label and opinionize (yeah, I made up a word) things. this is gonna take some work!
I definitely hit a new layer of the onion and whew, man, it really made me cry. damn sting as you cut this thing open!
all my righteous advice, and solution knowing brain is swirling into a bubbling mess that needs to be extricated from my brain. fortunately, there is an answer to this.
to keep sitting with what is.
sit every morning.
sit every day.
take care of my heart, mind and body.
breathe.....
and get clear that the knowing, may truly be knowing nothing at all except what is in this very moment.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
but, I'm POWERLESS
last week
it snowed
our internet went out
our phone shut down
our power turned off
we hudled in the dark
without the comforts we have grown attached to
the snow continued to fall
fall and fall
forcing us
to stay put, and deal with being home without the distractions that make emotional escape possible
no Tetris
no DVDs
no Phone
no iChatting
no Noisemaker
no Screens to tune out in front of
just us, in the darkened hazy stormy daylight barely cracking through the storm
these severe conditions
would have been enough to force us to grab sharp objects
and kill one and other
but ....
we didn't
I thought of my practice
what I wanted
and how I wanted my son to remember these days
stuck at home
with his Mommy
when the frustrations of cabin fever would grow
I looked at him and said, "I don't want to be that yelly mommy, let's come up with a code word. When we say it, we both Have to Laugh!"
"Banana Peels"
and so, it was settled
whenever one of us got testy, we'd say, "Banana Peels" and whether or not I felt like it, I'd laugh out loud
and then we'd giggle
and feel better
we struggled through the week, it wasn't easy
we curled up and slept in the small bed in my son's room and clutched each other for warmth
and there were moments I really thought I'd gone totally nuts
but we were Powerless
literally without Power
we had no choice
so I made the most of it
and loved each moment
and tried not to beat myself up for all the things I wasn't accomplishing
I had a lot of homework for school and my very late homework for Facilitator Training due
it didn't get done
and for that
I'm struggling
did I meditate?
um, NO
not the way I would have liked to
I was so uneasy
overtired
bad diet
bad sleep
cold
uncomfortable
but.... being Powerless did bring my son and I a very powerful bonding experience
and making the moments with my son count
has been a huge part of my practice this year
I made a promise to my son, to be on the computer less
and present for him more
this past week, he got his wish
NO computer
and 100% non-stop Mommy and Me time
it snowed
our internet went out
our phone shut down
our power turned off
we hudled in the dark
without the comforts we have grown attached to
the snow continued to fall
fall and fall
forcing us
to stay put, and deal with being home without the distractions that make emotional escape possible
no Tetris
no DVDs
no Phone
no iChatting
no Noisemaker
no Screens to tune out in front of
just us, in the darkened hazy stormy daylight barely cracking through the storm
these severe conditions
would have been enough to force us to grab sharp objects
and kill one and other
but ....
we didn't
I thought of my practice
what I wanted
and how I wanted my son to remember these days
stuck at home
with his Mommy
when the frustrations of cabin fever would grow
I looked at him and said, "I don't want to be that yelly mommy, let's come up with a code word. When we say it, we both Have to Laugh!"
"Banana Peels"
and so, it was settled
whenever one of us got testy, we'd say, "Banana Peels" and whether or not I felt like it, I'd laugh out loud
and then we'd giggle
and feel better
we struggled through the week, it wasn't easy
we curled up and slept in the small bed in my son's room and clutched each other for warmth
and there were moments I really thought I'd gone totally nuts
but we were Powerless
literally without Power
we had no choice
so I made the most of it
and loved each moment
and tried not to beat myself up for all the things I wasn't accomplishing
I had a lot of homework for school and my very late homework for Facilitator Training due
it didn't get done
and for that
I'm struggling
did I meditate?
um, NO
not the way I would have liked to
I was so uneasy
overtired
bad diet
bad sleep
cold
uncomfortable
but.... being Powerless did bring my son and I a very powerful bonding experience
and making the moments with my son count
has been a huge part of my practice this year
I made a promise to my son, to be on the computer less
and present for him more
this past week, he got his wish
NO computer
and 100% non-stop Mommy and Me time
Saturday, January 16, 2010
2010
with the turning of the clocks
ending the first decade of the millennium
I realize I only have about five months left
in the first six months of this journey, I made so many abrupt changes
and the universe also lent me a hand
I took off to Puerto Rico for my inaugural end of life adventure
my toxic job was terminated
my new life as Bardian Student began
my son's struggles with school got settled
I got my divorce papers
this year, for New Year's Eve
I orchestrated a New Year's Eve Dharma Punx Gathering in the mountains
and rung in the New Year silently in meditation with my sangha, friends new and old
as we opened our eyes, the snow was falling in the light of the blue moon while fireworks exploded in the distance
I had never celebrated the New Year in silence, and never expected the experience to be truly peaceful
part of me felt that I had manifested a magical feeling, but I was willing to go with it and allow it to cycle through me
my son was with my Mom, and it seemed as though he was very far away, and I missed him on New Years. we had such a wonderful holiday time together, but I also needed my time to be still. this just doesn't happen with him in the house.
I've made my amends to my ex-husband as promised. without a struggle, I signed divorce papers, executed, notarized, sent and he filed them today. it is my sincere wish, that by agreeing and not contesting, and giving him the divorce, he will feel the closure he's seeking. I'm pretty surprised how painful it is. despite how much time has past since we split, the actual Divorce part feels to icky and real. it is as though I'm reliving so much of our past together all over again. Zman knocked a box out of the storage loft full of CDs and Photos, in it were pictures of Zman as a baby at his first Xmas/Channukah, Randall & I as newlyweds in New Orleans, pictures of our wedding, my bachelorette party, our first apartment polaroids and photos of my mom and us all together looking happy. it was like staring at a car wreck, I couldn't stop sorting through and looking at each photo. each, catching a snapshot of a moment of my past.... reminding me of what was.
so now what?
I learned these past few months, that if I'm going to die happy, I need to be happy with what I have. the pining for the empty space to be filled in my heart is only causing me more suffering. instead of focusing what I don't have, a life partner, I need to focus on what I do have.....
I have....
a beautiful, smart, loving, talented son
a future at Bard
clients who rely on me
a magical cabin for us to live in
my health (even though I am dying)
friends and community
spiritual practice
just to name a few things to focus on. I spent the fall working on being good at what I have, being a good mom, a decent student, a fun publicist and practiced letting go of the attachment to wanting to be coupled. by allowing myself to let go of the seeking of what I don't have, I cleared my energy to be good at what is in front of me.
right now, in this moment, I'm very proud of the Mom I am. I am confident my son is loved and nurtured and that our relationship is growing stronger because I'm focusing my attention on it. I did ok in school. I'm still working freelance jobs for my favorite client, and I got a new one this winter. I managed to steer clear of toxic relationships and work situations which hurt me rather than enhance me. things are pretty good, we're happy, we have enough.
so now I am wondering, what's left to be done?
I'd like to finish my work on my amends, to right the hurt I've caused. this could be impossible, but there are people that I really need to connect with before it is too late.
tonight, I'm feeling a little lonely, and sad. the divorce process was much more painful than I expected. it is bringing up many emotions from my childhood, feelings of abandonment and failure, and stirring the fear pot.
but I'm strong and triumphant. I know that everything is impermanent. and with death looming .... I have to get my affairs in order. time to get to the real work.
ending the first decade of the millennium
I realize I only have about five months left
in the first six months of this journey, I made so many abrupt changes
and the universe also lent me a hand
I took off to Puerto Rico for my inaugural end of life adventure
my toxic job was terminated
my new life as Bardian Student began
my son's struggles with school got settled
I got my divorce papers
this year, for New Year's Eve
I orchestrated a New Year's Eve Dharma Punx Gathering in the mountains
and rung in the New Year silently in meditation with my sangha, friends new and old
as we opened our eyes, the snow was falling in the light of the blue moon while fireworks exploded in the distance
I had never celebrated the New Year in silence, and never expected the experience to be truly peaceful
part of me felt that I had manifested a magical feeling, but I was willing to go with it and allow it to cycle through me
my son was with my Mom, and it seemed as though he was very far away, and I missed him on New Years. we had such a wonderful holiday time together, but I also needed my time to be still. this just doesn't happen with him in the house.
I've made my amends to my ex-husband as promised. without a struggle, I signed divorce papers, executed, notarized, sent and he filed them today. it is my sincere wish, that by agreeing and not contesting, and giving him the divorce, he will feel the closure he's seeking. I'm pretty surprised how painful it is. despite how much time has past since we split, the actual Divorce part feels to icky and real. it is as though I'm reliving so much of our past together all over again. Zman knocked a box out of the storage loft full of CDs and Photos, in it were pictures of Zman as a baby at his first Xmas/Channukah, Randall & I as newlyweds in New Orleans, pictures of our wedding, my bachelorette party, our first apartment polaroids and photos of my mom and us all together looking happy. it was like staring at a car wreck, I couldn't stop sorting through and looking at each photo. each, catching a snapshot of a moment of my past.... reminding me of what was.
so now what?
I learned these past few months, that if I'm going to die happy, I need to be happy with what I have. the pining for the empty space to be filled in my heart is only causing me more suffering. instead of focusing what I don't have, a life partner, I need to focus on what I do have.....
I have....
a beautiful, smart, loving, talented son
a future at Bard
clients who rely on me
a magical cabin for us to live in
my health (even though I am dying)
friends and community
spiritual practice
just to name a few things to focus on. I spent the fall working on being good at what I have, being a good mom, a decent student, a fun publicist and practiced letting go of the attachment to wanting to be coupled. by allowing myself to let go of the seeking of what I don't have, I cleared my energy to be good at what is in front of me.
right now, in this moment, I'm very proud of the Mom I am. I am confident my son is loved and nurtured and that our relationship is growing stronger because I'm focusing my attention on it. I did ok in school. I'm still working freelance jobs for my favorite client, and I got a new one this winter. I managed to steer clear of toxic relationships and work situations which hurt me rather than enhance me. things are pretty good, we're happy, we have enough.
so now I am wondering, what's left to be done?
I'd like to finish my work on my amends, to right the hurt I've caused. this could be impossible, but there are people that I really need to connect with before it is too late.
tonight, I'm feeling a little lonely, and sad. the divorce process was much more painful than I expected. it is bringing up many emotions from my childhood, feelings of abandonment and failure, and stirring the fear pot.
but I'm strong and triumphant. I know that everything is impermanent. and with death looming .... I have to get my affairs in order. time to get to the real work.
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