we've all done it.....
had a look at someone else and coveted something they possess in their life. well, maybe a slice of something, material, relationship, attractive looks, wealth, lifestyle, etc....
there are plenty of cliche phrases, such as "grass is always greener" that sort of make you wonder... would life be better on the other side of the fence?
lately, as I explore the end of my life, feeling regretful I'm not doing this practice 'right', wondering if I'm going to die alone, wishing I'd done some things differently, sad there isn't a lover beside me, still consumed with dollops of fear....
My monkey mind crafts a laundry list of "what if";
I was still married
owned my own home
had another kid
got my motorcycle license and a hot bike
stayed single and never got married
didn't have a kid at all
I was living in NYC
still worked in the music biz
wasn't sober
lived in LA
still drove the mercedes as a veg car
lived in Amsterdam
had a personal trainer
didn't let the house go into forclosure
took him back
........ (so many more here)
the empty spaces we perceive in our lives are easily filled with "if only"s
it was pretty surprising when chatting with my trusted psychic about some things that are shifting in my relationships, when she peered into my eyes and said, "she's jealous of you".
of Me??????????
it hadn't occurred to me once that anyone would be jealous of my life.
my life is filled with struggles and suffering.
with loneliness and failures.
and a whole bunch of "what if"s.
so I've had a few days to absorb this statement, "she's jealous of you."
ah..... and how my life looks to others.... perhaps there is somethings to be jealous of.
as easily as I can put forth a list of "what if"s, I can also make a list of "what is".
as the transition of phasing towards the end of the first half of this Year to Live practice, I realize,
I have a life to be grateful for, because I've made TREMENDOUS changes and am taking opportunities a lot of people "what if" about.
I'm living in a cabin on a stream in the woods in the most beautiful place on earth.
I have a gorgeous, smart, brilliant child.
I'm at Bard full time getting my degree and changing my entire career midstream.
I'm writing, a lot.
I've forged friendships, sangha... community. I am surrounded by Love.
and .... plenty of other neat things worth being envious of.
"what if" I die completing a novella, completing a year of school, improving my relationship with my son and leaving him with a knowledge that he is truly loved, share the dharma with many others, and let go of the "what ifs"
over the past week, I've had this image of my hands opening up and literally LETTING GO of the things that cause me suffering. I can visualize myself letting go of the craving to couple, the attachments, the self-judgment and the fear.
in this practice of mentally Letting Go, I find I'm not pondering and clouding my time with worry about the "what ifs" and spending more time on the "what is". I have found myself in a more serene space, free from envy because I'm in the moment.
placing myself in a position to be envious, perpetuates the idea that someone is better than me. this is totally not what I'm doing this for. so now, I have to catch myself, and the need to label and covet.
the grass isn't greener, it's just different.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
life's little mile markers
this was posted to the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group email list ---
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
they say, in some circles.... it is about the progress, not perfection.
with certain types of work, it is easy to see progress through quantifiable means. but how on earth do you measure 'success' in spiritual practice?
for me, I need to look back at my past, and pin-point spaces in time to see how I perceived the world and how I reacted in it then, and make comparisons to where I am in this moment.
a little over year ago, green to daily practice, I craved the camaraderie of like minded spiritual seekers. I wanted a group of my own, a sangha!, to share ideas and meditation practice.
I didn't think I was worthy to lead the group by any means, so I went looking for the perfect teacher to guide us.
last September I took my first workshop with Noah Levine, and he told me, "just do it yourself, I know you can." this message was enforced by others such as Pablo Das and Tracey of Elm Street Collective. Not to mention the facilitators around the country who guided me and chatted with me over MySpace and chats.
Thank you Dharma Punxians Nation Wide!
They all instilled a sense of encouragement and quelled my self-judgment by giving me the impetus to ... as Nike says JUST DO IT.
a year ago, a few of us gathered at a little loft in Uptown Kingston, and began what is now known as Dharma Punx Hudson Valley.
flash back a year ago, shaking as I shared a reading with the group, wanting everyone in the group to like me, nervous and filled with self centered fears..... to now...
today, my priorities have greatly shifted. my perception of our group has altered. Dharma Punx Hudson Valley Group is my support network, a place to just be myself and not worry about the other stuff. I've been vulnerable and honest and my practice has catapulted forward greatly because of the generous support I've gotten from everyone who ever attended a meeting.
since starting this group, I've donated my time and energy to sharing the gift of meditation with countless others in rehabs, hospitals, schools and anywhere else they will have me.
I'm studying the foundations of buddhism and training to be a Dharma Punx Facilitator with Noah Levine at the Against the Stream Center in LA
mile markers. looking back a year ago to today.... the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley sangha has morphed, grown, shared, hosted retreats, put forth workshops, helped those in need... especially me.
it has been an HONOR and HUMBLING to be given the gift of facilitating this group.
please, come tomorrow and celebrate our One Year Anniversary. share in the gratitude I feel that our group continues to meet every week. without you guys, my practice wouldn't have progressed to the place it is now, a year older, becoming a sophomore, growing up, altering, changing and shaping things so differently.
big shout outs to EVERYONE who has EVER sat with us, even for just one time.
special request, please bring a reading to share with the group tomorrow. tomorrow's meditation is a special guided forgiveness meditation.
I METTA U Guys so so so so so much, and thank you for being a part of our Sangha!
jai bhagwan!
elissa jane
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
they say, in some circles.... it is about the progress, not perfection.
with certain types of work, it is easy to see progress through quantifiable means. but how on earth do you measure 'success' in spiritual practice?
for me, I need to look back at my past, and pin-point spaces in time to see how I perceived the world and how I reacted in it then, and make comparisons to where I am in this moment.
a little over year ago, green to daily practice, I craved the camaraderie of like minded spiritual seekers. I wanted a group of my own, a sangha!, to share ideas and meditation practice.
I didn't think I was worthy to lead the group by any means, so I went looking for the perfect teacher to guide us.
last September I took my first workshop with Noah Levine, and he told me, "just do it yourself, I know you can." this message was enforced by others such as Pablo Das and Tracey of Elm Street Collective. Not to mention the facilitators around the country who guided me and chatted with me over MySpace and chats.
Thank you Dharma Punxians Nation Wide!
They all instilled a sense of encouragement and quelled my self-judgment by giving me the impetus to ... as Nike says JUST DO IT.
a year ago, a few of us gathered at a little loft in Uptown Kingston, and began what is now known as Dharma Punx Hudson Valley.
flash back a year ago, shaking as I shared a reading with the group, wanting everyone in the group to like me, nervous and filled with self centered fears..... to now...
today, my priorities have greatly shifted. my perception of our group has altered. Dharma Punx Hudson Valley Group is my support network, a place to just be myself and not worry about the other stuff. I've been vulnerable and honest and my practice has catapulted forward greatly because of the generous support I've gotten from everyone who ever attended a meeting.
since starting this group, I've donated my time and energy to sharing the gift of meditation with countless others in rehabs, hospitals, schools and anywhere else they will have me.
I'm studying the foundations of buddhism and training to be a Dharma Punx Facilitator with Noah Levine at the Against the Stream Center in LA
mile markers. looking back a year ago to today.... the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley sangha has morphed, grown, shared, hosted retreats, put forth workshops, helped those in need... especially me.
it has been an HONOR and HUMBLING to be given the gift of facilitating this group.
please, come tomorrow and celebrate our One Year Anniversary. share in the gratitude I feel that our group continues to meet every week. without you guys, my practice wouldn't have progressed to the place it is now, a year older, becoming a sophomore, growing up, altering, changing and shaping things so differently.
big shout outs to EVERYONE who has EVER sat with us, even for just one time.
special request, please bring a reading to share with the group tomorrow. tomorrow's meditation is a special guided forgiveness meditation.
I METTA U Guys so so so so so much, and thank you for being a part of our Sangha!
jai bhagwan!
elissa jane
Saturday, October 24, 2009
crossing the Equator
when we visited Africa back in 1991, one of the highlights was crossing the Equator. we traveled the Kenyan countryside in a van, exploring various parks and sights starting with the north and working our way south. the Equator pit stop was certainly a seasoned tourist attraction. our guide brought us through a village called Nanyuki, which catered to "our kind" complete with a gift shop. in the midst of the commercialism, we stood in front of a giant yellow sign adorned with a giant black red and green Africa symbol with "EQUATOR" stamped across the middle in bright red. I still have the photo.
one of the highlights of that day, was a demonstration with three little matchsticks and a bucket of water. our guide put the bucket down about 10 meters from the equator, and dropped the matchsticks into the bucket which had holes on the bottom for drainage. on the north side of the Equator, the water turned clockwise. as we crossed the equator, the water changed direction and turned counter clockwise.
my sister and I giggled, wondering if we'd ever look at a toilet the same again. the rest of the trip we spent on the southern part of Kenya, where, my sister and I flushed many a matchstick giggling with delight at the turn of events.
today I was thinking about my life and reflecting a little on life before and after my "Cleansing My Karma" light bulb moment.
before, my life was turning clockwise, a succession of choices leading me down a destined path. everything I willfully created and controlled, no matter how skillful, seemed to lead me to the same result. over and over, doing life in that way, lead me to that unenlightened place where dukka turned clockwise.
when I made the decision to take on meditation and buddhist practice and chose a spiritual way, the little sticks stood still, and then slowly began to turn another way.
slowly, my flow is moving counter clockwise. not so dissimilar from the Against the Stream theory. the work I'm doing is counter intuitive. it takes great courage and strength to not wallow in the dark, and stick with old habits in the clockwise spiral.
slowly, gradually, with slight fluidity, I'm learning that doing the right thing becomes easier, on the verge of intuitive. going counter clockwise is beginning to feel a little more comfortable, and doesn't look as strange when I peer into the vortex of the current.
I've flushed quite a few toilets since crossing the equator. I suspect, I have many many more flushes ahead of me.
coming to terms with the wreckage of my past may or may not just flow easily, like water turning down a drain. at least, for now, it's a different action, creating a different result. that has to be positive. undoubtedly, I'm guessing I'll need to break out the plunger many more times as I cross the equator into the other hemisphere.
one of the highlights of that day, was a demonstration with three little matchsticks and a bucket of water. our guide put the bucket down about 10 meters from the equator, and dropped the matchsticks into the bucket which had holes on the bottom for drainage. on the north side of the Equator, the water turned clockwise. as we crossed the equator, the water changed direction and turned counter clockwise.
my sister and I giggled, wondering if we'd ever look at a toilet the same again. the rest of the trip we spent on the southern part of Kenya, where, my sister and I flushed many a matchstick giggling with delight at the turn of events.
today I was thinking about my life and reflecting a little on life before and after my "Cleansing My Karma" light bulb moment.
before, my life was turning clockwise, a succession of choices leading me down a destined path. everything I willfully created and controlled, no matter how skillful, seemed to lead me to the same result. over and over, doing life in that way, lead me to that unenlightened place where dukka turned clockwise.
when I made the decision to take on meditation and buddhist practice and chose a spiritual way, the little sticks stood still, and then slowly began to turn another way.
slowly, my flow is moving counter clockwise. not so dissimilar from the Against the Stream theory. the work I'm doing is counter intuitive. it takes great courage and strength to not wallow in the dark, and stick with old habits in the clockwise spiral.
slowly, gradually, with slight fluidity, I'm learning that doing the right thing becomes easier, on the verge of intuitive. going counter clockwise is beginning to feel a little more comfortable, and doesn't look as strange when I peer into the vortex of the current.
I've flushed quite a few toilets since crossing the equator. I suspect, I have many many more flushes ahead of me.
coming to terms with the wreckage of my past may or may not just flow easily, like water turning down a drain. at least, for now, it's a different action, creating a different result. that has to be positive. undoubtedly, I'm guessing I'll need to break out the plunger many more times as I cross the equator into the other hemisphere.
Friday, October 16, 2009
totally forgot I was doing this Year to Live thing
early fall is always a turning point for me. sometimes it is gentle, but in this case, it was abrupt. the past month or so has been incredibly challenging. like the hardest my life has been for some time.
I've made some big choices, and transitions this year. Because of this practice, I stood up for myself in my professional life, applied and got into Bard, took on facilitator training, changed the Dharma Punx HV group to a longer format and took some big steps forward in my recovery. Man, I'm out of breath just typing this out loud.
Last month, my momentum seized. I've hit some big stumbling stones with parenting issues, entering the student population, my ex/divorce being expedited, getting back into freelance work and the layers of new stuff coming up. I've allowed these things to get in my way.
of course, here's the part where I remind myself... the greatest steps towards enlightenment come from the deepest moments of suffering.
with all the transition I've been facing, I forgot all about my Year to Live practice. it was as though I swept it under the rug hoping no one would trip on the giant lump in the middle of the proverbial floor.
what I didn't anticipate, was that the person stumbling would be me.
in my effort to tackle all these life changes, I totally let my simple meditation practice slip away. I had declared to take part in a 90/90 sit, increase my practice in the earlier part of fall, and become even more spiritual.
like a good little junkie, I got into it hard and burned out fast.
this is a little indicative of how I've approached my Year to Live practice.
but wait...
I'm dying, right? I can't get out of dying. I must trudge on.
they say, every time you bring your awareness back to your breath, you have a little awakening.
I'd like to think that I am having a little awakening now. it's time to bring my practice back, and be aware of the Year to Live practice I've committed to.
to my credit, I have been working on my amends, and cleaning up some mess. my acceptance of the divorce is huge. instead of fighting and prolonging, I've offered divorce to my ex as my amends. no fighting.
it all started with "I'm cleansing my Karma". it's time to get back to that and remember why I have chosen this path.
while my awareness of my Year to Live practice has waned the past month, I guess I need to acknowledge that I'm still doing it. I am making my amends, and cleaning up the things I want to take care of before I die.
just need to bring it back to my breath. Today. Breathe in. Breathe out.
I've made some big choices, and transitions this year. Because of this practice, I stood up for myself in my professional life, applied and got into Bard, took on facilitator training, changed the Dharma Punx HV group to a longer format and took some big steps forward in my recovery. Man, I'm out of breath just typing this out loud.
Last month, my momentum seized. I've hit some big stumbling stones with parenting issues, entering the student population, my ex/divorce being expedited, getting back into freelance work and the layers of new stuff coming up. I've allowed these things to get in my way.
of course, here's the part where I remind myself... the greatest steps towards enlightenment come from the deepest moments of suffering.
with all the transition I've been facing, I forgot all about my Year to Live practice. it was as though I swept it under the rug hoping no one would trip on the giant lump in the middle of the proverbial floor.
what I didn't anticipate, was that the person stumbling would be me.
in my effort to tackle all these life changes, I totally let my simple meditation practice slip away. I had declared to take part in a 90/90 sit, increase my practice in the earlier part of fall, and become even more spiritual.
like a good little junkie, I got into it hard and burned out fast.
this is a little indicative of how I've approached my Year to Live practice.
but wait...
I'm dying, right? I can't get out of dying. I must trudge on.
they say, every time you bring your awareness back to your breath, you have a little awakening.
I'd like to think that I am having a little awakening now. it's time to bring my practice back, and be aware of the Year to Live practice I've committed to.
to my credit, I have been working on my amends, and cleaning up some mess. my acceptance of the divorce is huge. instead of fighting and prolonging, I've offered divorce to my ex as my amends. no fighting.
it all started with "I'm cleansing my Karma". it's time to get back to that and remember why I have chosen this path.
while my awareness of my Year to Live practice has waned the past month, I guess I need to acknowledge that I'm still doing it. I am making my amends, and cleaning up the things I want to take care of before I die.
just need to bring it back to my breath. Today. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
when the black sheep changes colors
this is a very difficult entry to post.
a few years ago, when I began to practice Buddhism regularly, I experienced a certain relief. making a practice of doing the next right thing, cleansing my karma, walking away from drama and choosing not to fight have all brought me a sense of peace.
unfortunately, I'm still me. I do react. my monkey mind is actively working it's way inside my head. I feel, and now that I'm sober, I feel deeply.
as I move forward with my practice, I see and experience greater challenges in my quest to cleanse my karma and reduce suffering.
there are milestones and markers where I see how much I've transformed in such a short period of time. friends share with me that they notice differences in my demeanor. I feel calm, I bring many moments back to my breath. I too can see a changes from the outside in and inside out.
unfortunately, there are still the "triggers". the instigators of my darkest pain and character defects. the people I look to repeatedly looking for unconditional love, who only disappoint me with ridicule and pain.
it is hard to imagine that anyone would want to and work so hard to be so hurtful to me, especially when I've just tried to love them.
my family. sigh. they bring me more suffering than anyone else. they choose to judge me and bring up my greatest pain and self-judgment. no matter what I do to improve myself, be a better person, contribute to society, raise an amazing child, be in service... no matter what generous effort I make, their response is riddled with accusations and abuse.
in the classic psychological portfolio of a family of addiction, I am "the scapegoat". to avoid putting their attention on the real issue, they turn their attention to me.
so.... what happens when the black sheep works to better herself and change the color of her coat?
the more work I do to improve myself and my contribution to the world, the more difficult my relationship with my family has become.
instead of praise, applause and encouragement, I've received a host of emails and IMs where my family has determined I'm certifiably insane!
I told them first of my Year to Live practice, and how important it was for me to make amends for the past with them. to make peace and work on improving my relationship with them.
in response, they've decided I'm stark raving mad and need help.
I guess no one is going to throw me a parade and no one is going to bother to change just because I am.
so, I detach with Love. I think of them in my Metta practice, and pray for them and have compassion that their suffering ends before it's too late.
I may die without them. but at least, I will have recognized that I made an effort to repair a relationship with my toxic family.
the year isn't over. who's to say there's no more time. but at this moment, it seems pretty hopeless that relationships can be changed with those who refuse to see me as Me.
a few years ago, when I began to practice Buddhism regularly, I experienced a certain relief. making a practice of doing the next right thing, cleansing my karma, walking away from drama and choosing not to fight have all brought me a sense of peace.
unfortunately, I'm still me. I do react. my monkey mind is actively working it's way inside my head. I feel, and now that I'm sober, I feel deeply.
as I move forward with my practice, I see and experience greater challenges in my quest to cleanse my karma and reduce suffering.
there are milestones and markers where I see how much I've transformed in such a short period of time. friends share with me that they notice differences in my demeanor. I feel calm, I bring many moments back to my breath. I too can see a changes from the outside in and inside out.
unfortunately, there are still the "triggers". the instigators of my darkest pain and character defects. the people I look to repeatedly looking for unconditional love, who only disappoint me with ridicule and pain.
it is hard to imagine that anyone would want to and work so hard to be so hurtful to me, especially when I've just tried to love them.
my family. sigh. they bring me more suffering than anyone else. they choose to judge me and bring up my greatest pain and self-judgment. no matter what I do to improve myself, be a better person, contribute to society, raise an amazing child, be in service... no matter what generous effort I make, their response is riddled with accusations and abuse.
in the classic psychological portfolio of a family of addiction, I am "the scapegoat". to avoid putting their attention on the real issue, they turn their attention to me.
so.... what happens when the black sheep works to better herself and change the color of her coat?
the more work I do to improve myself and my contribution to the world, the more difficult my relationship with my family has become.
instead of praise, applause and encouragement, I've received a host of emails and IMs where my family has determined I'm certifiably insane!
I told them first of my Year to Live practice, and how important it was for me to make amends for the past with them. to make peace and work on improving my relationship with them.
in response, they've decided I'm stark raving mad and need help.
I guess no one is going to throw me a parade and no one is going to bother to change just because I am.
so, I detach with Love. I think of them in my Metta practice, and pray for them and have compassion that their suffering ends before it's too late.
I may die without them. but at least, I will have recognized that I made an effort to repair a relationship with my toxic family.
the year isn't over. who's to say there's no more time. but at this moment, it seems pretty hopeless that relationships can be changed with those who refuse to see me as Me.
Friday, July 24, 2009
middle way
one of the greatest issues for me, was coming to terms with my life as it "is".
each day, I prepared myself to accept that my life is what it is supposed to be, and that dying wasn't going to give me a chance to change it.
with all the work I have to do in the coming months to prepare for my departure, I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to face myself in the end and feel I really did the work fully.
FEAR... stood in my way of making changes.
but the Universe, opened that door for me.
the chains have been broken....
throughout this past week, I've seen the pendulum swing back and forth in the highs and lows. I've often said throughout my life, "With the highest highs, come the lowest lows." this concept can be applied to just about anything, especially when something really Great happens, something extra Crappy happens to balance it out.
in the past months of my practice, I've been looking to find things like serenity, peace, calm, life sans drama, or as some might put it.... The Middle Way.
with life altering events occurring in my present state, I am at a Turning Point. at this very moment, doors are being opened. there are many options.
but I am doing what I've been practicing for the past few years, and trying to just do the Next Right Thing.
in this moment, in this very second, I'm entering a new chapter. opportunity has presented itself.
for the first time in my life, I'm going to sit back and take care of my soul first, my spirituality and heart get priority.
I am working towards finding my way back to the breath, and in turn, finding my path down the Middle Way. my goal is to break from the prison of the high highs and low lows, delete myself from my addiction to drama and extreme emotion... and find peace in chillage on a whole other level.
there is much more to say, and I'll be writing as I'm working through this experience. life is presenting a whole new thing.. something new... it is not an end... but an opening... a chance to get it right.... for all the times I've said, "I wish someone would just give me a chance." Someone has.
each day, I prepared myself to accept that my life is what it is supposed to be, and that dying wasn't going to give me a chance to change it.
with all the work I have to do in the coming months to prepare for my departure, I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to face myself in the end and feel I really did the work fully.
FEAR... stood in my way of making changes.
but the Universe, opened that door for me.
the chains have been broken....
throughout this past week, I've seen the pendulum swing back and forth in the highs and lows. I've often said throughout my life, "With the highest highs, come the lowest lows." this concept can be applied to just about anything, especially when something really Great happens, something extra Crappy happens to balance it out.
in the past months of my practice, I've been looking to find things like serenity, peace, calm, life sans drama, or as some might put it.... The Middle Way.
with life altering events occurring in my present state, I am at a Turning Point. at this very moment, doors are being opened. there are many options.
but I am doing what I've been practicing for the past few years, and trying to just do the Next Right Thing.
in this moment, in this very second, I'm entering a new chapter. opportunity has presented itself.
for the first time in my life, I'm going to sit back and take care of my soul first, my spirituality and heart get priority.
I am working towards finding my way back to the breath, and in turn, finding my path down the Middle Way. my goal is to break from the prison of the high highs and low lows, delete myself from my addiction to drama and extreme emotion... and find peace in chillage on a whole other level.
there is much more to say, and I'll be writing as I'm working through this experience. life is presenting a whole new thing.. something new... it is not an end... but an opening... a chance to get it right.... for all the times I've said, "I wish someone would just give me a chance." Someone has.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
you can't always get what you want
as I thought about whether or not I'd really try this practice out.... I had the expectation that I'd be getting a dying woman's wish from each of the important people I shared my "news" with.
I envisioned my family and certain friends to want to "give" me something I've secretly wanted.... I imagined my mom in a present, emotional and connected moment giving me the Mother Daughter connection I've craved for forty years. in a life close to death, I thought I would be able to be with my family on vacation. somehow, I pictured my ex declaring he’d get sober. my son would be the perfect child. friends would rally to spend more time with me. yes, all this and that I would have permission to be and do life totally differently.
.... but, life hasn't changed. my life and its circumstances are the same. it is just me that is changing.
the only expectations I can put on anything or anyone is on myself to put the work into the practice.
just because I'm dying, doesn't mean I'm going to find a last moment of falling in love bliss, or the career move of a lifetime, or that poignant moment where my mother tells me how proud she is of me.
no, I can’t always get what I want.
no, I’m not going to just get what I want because of the fantastic notions that I’m going to have my dying wishes befall me.
I’ve been pulling away from pressuring myself to do the twelve-step thing and to focus on this practice solely. in an effort to streamline my frenetic excitement and zest for sober life, I’ve decided to commit myself solely to my Buddhist practice and let the other ideas like learning to ride a motorcycle, join the roller derby and other big notions take a back seat to this idea of focusing solely on my practice and on this quest to clean my Karma.
while I’m not really getting anything new or different, per say, I am at the precipice for an opportunity I never really imagined….
I’ve been asked by that other fellowship to lead morning meditation at a recovery retreat. Next month, I will be co-facilitating another Dharma Punx retreat. in a few more weeks I’ll be on a plane to LA to begin my facilitator training with Noah. there is the weekly group in Ktown I formed, which continues to morph and grow.
looking ahead beyond my routine are grand opportunities for me to pass on the message, share sangha and practice. I get to be in service to others.
nothing outside of myself will fill my “god shaped hole” in my heart.
I can work replace a little bit of other people’s pain by giving my heart freely and openly. I can offer Metta… and in turn… put love out, instead of feeling like I need to have Love come in. I am not a car that needs to run on some sort of Love Fuel, but I can be a source of compassion and love for others and make this world a little better by caring about other people’s pain and suffering.
no, I’m not really getting what I want by dying. But, knowing that I’m dying makes me think about my mark on the world. I can get what I need by being in service and sharing the dharma with others.
it may be cliché, but thinking of the Stones tune as I think of my future funeral sort of makes me realize…. in my passage towards death, I might actually get what I need.
I envisioned my family and certain friends to want to "give" me something I've secretly wanted.... I imagined my mom in a present, emotional and connected moment giving me the Mother Daughter connection I've craved for forty years. in a life close to death, I thought I would be able to be with my family on vacation. somehow, I pictured my ex declaring he’d get sober. my son would be the perfect child. friends would rally to spend more time with me. yes, all this and that I would have permission to be and do life totally differently.
.... but, life hasn't changed. my life and its circumstances are the same. it is just me that is changing.
the only expectations I can put on anything or anyone is on myself to put the work into the practice.
just because I'm dying, doesn't mean I'm going to find a last moment of falling in love bliss, or the career move of a lifetime, or that poignant moment where my mother tells me how proud she is of me.
no, I can’t always get what I want.
no, I’m not going to just get what I want because of the fantastic notions that I’m going to have my dying wishes befall me.
I’ve been pulling away from pressuring myself to do the twelve-step thing and to focus on this practice solely. in an effort to streamline my frenetic excitement and zest for sober life, I’ve decided to commit myself solely to my Buddhist practice and let the other ideas like learning to ride a motorcycle, join the roller derby and other big notions take a back seat to this idea of focusing solely on my practice and on this quest to clean my Karma.
while I’m not really getting anything new or different, per say, I am at the precipice for an opportunity I never really imagined….
I’ve been asked by that other fellowship to lead morning meditation at a recovery retreat. Next month, I will be co-facilitating another Dharma Punx retreat. in a few more weeks I’ll be on a plane to LA to begin my facilitator training with Noah. there is the weekly group in Ktown I formed, which continues to morph and grow.
looking ahead beyond my routine are grand opportunities for me to pass on the message, share sangha and practice. I get to be in service to others.
nothing outside of myself will fill my “god shaped hole” in my heart.
I can work replace a little bit of other people’s pain by giving my heart freely and openly. I can offer Metta… and in turn… put love out, instead of feeling like I need to have Love come in. I am not a car that needs to run on some sort of Love Fuel, but I can be a source of compassion and love for others and make this world a little better by caring about other people’s pain and suffering.
no, I’m not really getting what I want by dying. But, knowing that I’m dying makes me think about my mark on the world. I can get what I need by being in service and sharing the dharma with others.
it may be cliché, but thinking of the Stones tune as I think of my future funeral sort of makes me realize…. in my passage towards death, I might actually get what I need.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Stuck
My journey to and from work is pretty much a series of one-lane routes for about 30 miles through the rural countryside between Willow and Rhinebeck. On my way home today, I got Stuck behind a pick up truck loaded with hay. This guy was driving 35mph in a 55mph, I mean, I was Stuck. As the drive droned slowly, I felt my frustration of powerlessness seethe in my chest. No, this guy was not bothering to pick up the pace. Cars behind me rode up my proverbial butt and were piling up. This thing was not going to go any faster.
As we got to the Rhinecliff Bridge over the Hudson River, I changed my perspective. I got present and looked up and around the back of the truck in front of me. In this moment, I experienced blue skies with fluffy clouds, majestic mountains with lush green foliage, the Hudson River clear and flowing with boats and a view beyond the pile of hay to enjoy. Mindful of everything around this slow moving vehicle, I gave my attention to the awesomeness of the Hudson Valley.
Sure enough, I had a chance to pass him, only to turn off behind another slow guy, and another and another. Each time, same sort of trapped claustrophobic Stuck feeling reemerged. And when that feeling rose up, I looked at the little blue Buddha on my dashboard, and remembered to look up, and out. Stuck was a state of mind. I could kick back and enjoy the experience as easily as I was Stuck.
My practice is in a similar holding pattern. When I announced that I was dying, I was filled with excitement about jumpstarting the end of my life and embarking on the Year to Live Practice. I had just been to Puerto Rico where I had the kick off adventure, began picking off items on my bucket list, announced my death to some friends and family… I was excited to live life to the fullest and share this with everything and everyone.
When we went on our camping retreat at the end of August, we were gathered around the campfire talking. Each group member discussed their feelings about relationships, commitment, feelings with men and women and a host of stuff as it connects to intimacy. I froze. I sat in my chair and quietly sobbed in the dark. I felt something rise up from my inner-core and surface, like a slow moving monster in a deep abyss finally surfacing, there it was…. FEAR!
I somehow managed to say it aloud, “I’m scared.”
Fear is NOT an emotion I know, or understand or feel. Or at least, I thought.
My outgoing, courageous outer crust is a shield, which has hidden that I am filled with FEAR. I had no idea what being scared feels like. In that moment, by the crackling campfire, I came to the realization that I am STUCK!
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been in this pain, feeling a new feeling to me. Scared? Fear? Not me, not Elissa Jane!
So, I’ve done what I do when I feel a new feeling, isolate, and cry, recoil. I allowed myself to feel stuck.
Just like I felt behind the truck, or that car, or that van or the other vehicles driving 20mph on Sawkill Road tonight, I have been allowing myself to feel Stuck by FEAR.
In that last mile or so before my house, the last slow moving vehicle turned away and I had about a minute to kick up the gas and wind my way home at the 60mph I prefer. Free of the hurdles, I felt released from the forces keeping me from going at my speed.
My life is going a similar way…. not the way I’d like it to or at the pace I’d prefer it to. So, I am afraid. That is ok, I can look up and over it, and see other things too.
After going through my nightly routine, I had a very chill sit tonight.
Tomorrow, it’s back to work, not just the career job, but more importantly... take on the spiritual task at hand. So, I’m afraid of what I might find, that I might change my pace or see something differently. That’s what I’m doing this thing for anyway.
As we got to the Rhinecliff Bridge over the Hudson River, I changed my perspective. I got present and looked up and around the back of the truck in front of me. In this moment, I experienced blue skies with fluffy clouds, majestic mountains with lush green foliage, the Hudson River clear and flowing with boats and a view beyond the pile of hay to enjoy. Mindful of everything around this slow moving vehicle, I gave my attention to the awesomeness of the Hudson Valley.
Sure enough, I had a chance to pass him, only to turn off behind another slow guy, and another and another. Each time, same sort of trapped claustrophobic Stuck feeling reemerged. And when that feeling rose up, I looked at the little blue Buddha on my dashboard, and remembered to look up, and out. Stuck was a state of mind. I could kick back and enjoy the experience as easily as I was Stuck.
My practice is in a similar holding pattern. When I announced that I was dying, I was filled with excitement about jumpstarting the end of my life and embarking on the Year to Live Practice. I had just been to Puerto Rico where I had the kick off adventure, began picking off items on my bucket list, announced my death to some friends and family… I was excited to live life to the fullest and share this with everything and everyone.
When we went on our camping retreat at the end of August, we were gathered around the campfire talking. Each group member discussed their feelings about relationships, commitment, feelings with men and women and a host of stuff as it connects to intimacy. I froze. I sat in my chair and quietly sobbed in the dark. I felt something rise up from my inner-core and surface, like a slow moving monster in a deep abyss finally surfacing, there it was…. FEAR!
I somehow managed to say it aloud, “I’m scared.”
Fear is NOT an emotion I know, or understand or feel. Or at least, I thought.
My outgoing, courageous outer crust is a shield, which has hidden that I am filled with FEAR. I had no idea what being scared feels like. In that moment, by the crackling campfire, I came to the realization that I am STUCK!
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been in this pain, feeling a new feeling to me. Scared? Fear? Not me, not Elissa Jane!
So, I’ve done what I do when I feel a new feeling, isolate, and cry, recoil. I allowed myself to feel stuck.
Just like I felt behind the truck, or that car, or that van or the other vehicles driving 20mph on Sawkill Road tonight, I have been allowing myself to feel Stuck by FEAR.
In that last mile or so before my house, the last slow moving vehicle turned away and I had about a minute to kick up the gas and wind my way home at the 60mph I prefer. Free of the hurdles, I felt released from the forces keeping me from going at my speed.
My life is going a similar way…. not the way I’d like it to or at the pace I’d prefer it to. So, I am afraid. That is ok, I can look up and over it, and see other things too.
After going through my nightly routine, I had a very chill sit tonight.
Tomorrow, it’s back to work, not just the career job, but more importantly... take on the spiritual task at hand. So, I’m afraid of what I might find, that I might change my pace or see something differently. That’s what I’m doing this thing for anyway.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
questioning gratitude
I've learned to see the gratitude in many things. I have had many days where I've been able to steer myself back to feeling grateful for the life I have. I mean, what's not to be grateful for, right?
It isn't that hard to look at what I have, and find gratitude in the skeleton that makes up my life and the simple things around me that are enough. Let's review the components here;
My health
My son
My home
My country lifestyle
My job
My friends & family
My spiritual practice
Check, check, check, etc... I have the essentials a person needs to live, and live comfortably enough.
But with a year to live, I find myself deeply analyzing and reevaluating each of these components. I thought I had such immense gratitude because I thought my journey was right where it needs to be. But now I'm dying, with less than a year left, I feel GRIEF! Loss! Resentment! Frustration!
Instead of moseying along with gratitude for what I have, I'm feeling the empty holes of what I think is missing.
For the first time in a long time, I feel great dissatisfaction with the way my life is. The essentials may not be enough.
The question now.... what am I gonna do about it?
Yesterday, I received some very troubling news about my son and his struggles in school. I began to look at my life and the life I am giving him. Because I'm in the beginning stages of my Year to Live practice, I'm taking this on with a sense of urgency. Like I need to sort this out fast and come up with a long term solution because I need to know my son will be ok after I'm gone.
This has launched a probe into all aspects of my life. What do I need to do to make it right, RIGHT NOW. There isn't much time and it's got to be resolved.
Am I living the life I truly want to. How much power to I have to change it? and... Can my will do the work, or do I have to continue working through the forces of the universe.
I'm definitely feeling fear, despair and a change of perspective.
For today, my gratitude is taking a back seat. I am looking at my life, and defining it with totality and finality.
It isn't that hard to look at what I have, and find gratitude in the skeleton that makes up my life and the simple things around me that are enough. Let's review the components here;
My health
My son
My home
My country lifestyle
My job
My friends & family
My spiritual practice
Check, check, check, etc... I have the essentials a person needs to live, and live comfortably enough.
But with a year to live, I find myself deeply analyzing and reevaluating each of these components. I thought I had such immense gratitude because I thought my journey was right where it needs to be. But now I'm dying, with less than a year left, I feel GRIEF! Loss! Resentment! Frustration!
Instead of moseying along with gratitude for what I have, I'm feeling the empty holes of what I think is missing.
For the first time in a long time, I feel great dissatisfaction with the way my life is. The essentials may not be enough.
The question now.... what am I gonna do about it?
Yesterday, I received some very troubling news about my son and his struggles in school. I began to look at my life and the life I am giving him. Because I'm in the beginning stages of my Year to Live practice, I'm taking this on with a sense of urgency. Like I need to sort this out fast and come up with a long term solution because I need to know my son will be ok after I'm gone.
This has launched a probe into all aspects of my life. What do I need to do to make it right, RIGHT NOW. There isn't much time and it's got to be resolved.
Am I living the life I truly want to. How much power to I have to change it? and... Can my will do the work, or do I have to continue working through the forces of the universe.
I'm definitely feeling fear, despair and a change of perspective.
For today, my gratitude is taking a back seat. I am looking at my life, and defining it with totality and finality.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
newborn
I'm sitting at home, watching my cats take turns at the food bowl. I've been gone for about a week and it is questionable as to whether or not they were fed consistently, let alone fed at all.
First of all, not that it matters... but I am NOT a cat person. I dig dogs. I've always had a dog. I relate to dogs much better.
I have two cats. Rather than engage, I prefer to remain the observer.
Pippi is about eleven years old. I borrowed her a couple of years ago to help with a mouse problem I had in my last house. Her owner let us keep her, and she sort of just ended up being ours. Pippi and I have been cohabiting peacefully. I feed her, change her litter box, let her out and let her in as she requests. Every once in a while, Pippi will check in with me, she'll come by and let me pet her and we make a human to cat connection. She's been a decent mouser and kept my last house pretty much mouseless to my knowledge.
Then we moved to the little cabin. Here I have a mouse Problem! Pippi needed a partner.
So, when a workmate asked me if I wanted a kitten, I jumped at the chance to increase the cat to mouse ratio.
And so, we adopted a little kitten named Henrietta Rollins. She's got some long crazy name my son gave her to the effect of "Henrietta Xena Rollins Black Flag Anarchy Punk Rock Kitty Cat" but... that's pretty long to call her on a regular basis.
Henrietta is just three months old.
The two are now cohabiting with me.
It has been a very very very long time since I lived with any sort of baby, animal or human. I was losing sense of what it is like to be very very new.
This is definitely Pippi's house, she's been there done that, and she definitely is going first at the food bowl right now.
Henrietta is fresh, brand new. She climbs all sorts of things, goes up in the loft, has fun with lint on the floor, everything is exciting and fun to explore.
Pippi has been through all that. She likes it under my bed, chills in the same few spots in the house and doesn't climb anything anymore.
Why do I explain all this about a couple of cats? Because in my effort to merely observe, I realize I can often be like Pippi.
Been there, done that! Chillin' in the same habitual spots.
Henrietta Rollins wants to explore every nook and cranny and every corner of the house. She climbs up into holes and shelves. Nothing is boring, it's all new.
I am learning from her that I want my eyes to see things in that new way. To find excitement in some scrap of ribbon from a birthday gift, or want to explore further and more of the territory where I live.
As I embark on my last year of life, I want to be the "kitty". I don't know anything, it is all new. To be open to each experience, place and thing as though it is my first time.
She is also aware that Pippi is an old broad and a big cat, she knows her place. While in our buddhist practice, we are all equal, not everyone is on that page. I am resigning myself to be humble, even if the other person is being degrading or unkind. It is not because of me. They are just being "old".
If I have to chose between the elderly life and the baby anew... I chose Newborn Elissa Jane.
Now, it's time to run to the farm stand to pick up some local strawberries and bite into them as though I've never tasted a strawberry before.
First of all, not that it matters... but I am NOT a cat person. I dig dogs. I've always had a dog. I relate to dogs much better.
I have two cats. Rather than engage, I prefer to remain the observer.
Pippi is about eleven years old. I borrowed her a couple of years ago to help with a mouse problem I had in my last house. Her owner let us keep her, and she sort of just ended up being ours. Pippi and I have been cohabiting peacefully. I feed her, change her litter box, let her out and let her in as she requests. Every once in a while, Pippi will check in with me, she'll come by and let me pet her and we make a human to cat connection. She's been a decent mouser and kept my last house pretty much mouseless to my knowledge.
Then we moved to the little cabin. Here I have a mouse Problem! Pippi needed a partner.
So, when a workmate asked me if I wanted a kitten, I jumped at the chance to increase the cat to mouse ratio.
And so, we adopted a little kitten named Henrietta Rollins. She's got some long crazy name my son gave her to the effect of "Henrietta Xena Rollins Black Flag Anarchy Punk Rock Kitty Cat" but... that's pretty long to call her on a regular basis.
Henrietta is just three months old.
The two are now cohabiting with me.
It has been a very very very long time since I lived with any sort of baby, animal or human. I was losing sense of what it is like to be very very new.
This is definitely Pippi's house, she's been there done that, and she definitely is going first at the food bowl right now.
Henrietta is fresh, brand new. She climbs all sorts of things, goes up in the loft, has fun with lint on the floor, everything is exciting and fun to explore.
Pippi has been through all that. She likes it under my bed, chills in the same few spots in the house and doesn't climb anything anymore.
Why do I explain all this about a couple of cats? Because in my effort to merely observe, I realize I can often be like Pippi.
Been there, done that! Chillin' in the same habitual spots.
Henrietta Rollins wants to explore every nook and cranny and every corner of the house. She climbs up into holes and shelves. Nothing is boring, it's all new.
I am learning from her that I want my eyes to see things in that new way. To find excitement in some scrap of ribbon from a birthday gift, or want to explore further and more of the territory where I live.
As I embark on my last year of life, I want to be the "kitty". I don't know anything, it is all new. To be open to each experience, place and thing as though it is my first time.
She is also aware that Pippi is an old broad and a big cat, she knows her place. While in our buddhist practice, we are all equal, not everyone is on that page. I am resigning myself to be humble, even if the other person is being degrading or unkind. It is not because of me. They are just being "old".
If I have to chose between the elderly life and the baby anew... I chose Newborn Elissa Jane.
Now, it's time to run to the farm stand to pick up some local strawberries and bite into them as though I've never tasted a strawberry before.
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