passover the small talk will ya?

part of the process
in my Year to Live Practice
is to make amends to those I have harmed before I die.

with my death looming, I've kicked up my step work in an effort to get to the part where I start making amends to those I've harmed.

some of the amends have been met with hugs, and smile
and I've walked away feeling a sense of inner peace,
but there were two amends on my list I was afraid I'd never finish in time; my ex-husband and my parents.

you see, I could make amends to thousands of people, I've done a lot of damage and I know there is no way I will be able to get to everyone I've harmed.

it took me years to see, that I genuinely hurt my ex-husband and broke his heart. I didn't leave him with dignity. I broke his heart in an effort to insure I'd truly be ending my marriage.
how would I make an amends to this man?
I chose to grant him an uncontested divorce, and give him closure as my active amends.
by divorcing my now ex-husband, and walking through it with dignity
no fighting
no court
no battle
just surrender
I offered an amends, I gave him closure
I recognized that I hurt him and broke his heart
I stopped hating him and hanging onto resentments
I have forgiven him, over and over
but I needed to find a place
to forgive myself.

signing the papers was scary, but in the end, I did it for him and gave him the peace
he was begging me for. does it change anything? for me no, for him yes.

but there was a bigger hurdle to leap over
I knew I wanted to make amends to my parents before I 'die'.

last night, unplanned, far from prepared, it happened.
at Passover dinner, my father said something that totally triggered me and my abandonment issues. it was as though I was fired with a shot that changed the moment so quickly.
I wasn't ready.
I had nothing thought out, no mental script to draw from.
In a panic, the pain of the feeling of being less than his other children emerged.
I felt like I felt the day I begged him to be my dad again in the Lowes Hotel so many years ago, I felt unheard, misunderstood, and unaccepted.
one reaction, to something so matter a fact, changed everything.

but this time, the family dynamic was altered.
the universe answered my unanswered prayers.
my mother insisted I stay, and for the first time in 40 years,
my mother, my father and I talked, really talked.
we had the talk, I never thought we'd have.
we came to an understanding, not the kind you see in the movies, but something real.
and.... I came clean, and answered to my part. I took responsibility and told them how I genuinely wanted to make amends.

you would think so many different outcomes might have concluded the long emotional talk, but the ending was the true surprise.
when I asked my parents, what my action amends could be, to make up for my past mistakes, my mother responded with, "I want you to take care of yourself, your health and to be happy." there was more, but this was the gist.

and there it was, the finale to my most important amends, the one I was afraid of. I can take my parents off my 9th step list.

I walked out of the building, exhausted, when 'god's voicemail' went off through the mouth of the doorman. a man I barely ever talk to, the guy who opens the door to my mother's building stopped me on the way out, and said, "I've watched your son grow, he's amazing, you have a beautiful son, every time I see him he makes me smile, he's such an amazing kid, God Bless You." and then he hugged me. this was really surreal!

in the end, if nothing else, if all my life I've made horrible choices, I've done one thing right. I made an incredible kid, and my legacy will live on in his heart and spirit.

this morning, I awoke with a painful emotional hangover. but life goes on, school was waiting. I got up, got dressed, got my work done ... and at the end of the day, I gave myself a mini-staycation retreat, and took a yoga class followed by a guided meditation. as I promised, I did something nice for me, and took care of my heart and my soul.

clock is ticking, only a few short months left... time to make a final list of the things I want to accomplish before my Funeral.

got skillz?

skillful
unskillful

I've used these two words in a sentence more time in the past week, than ever before. but what do they even mean?

on New Year's Eve, I set the intention to practice Right Speech.

now ... I'm investigating and coming to terms with what this really means. beyond my gossip and sarcasm, there is something more important to review. not just right, but also skillful speech. to understand how I use words, language, expression, my writing to communicate and to be more aware of how my communication effects others.

last night, we talked about responsibility. I questioned, have I been truly responsible with my speech? did I use my speech skillfully?

it goes beyond right intentions but actually putting forth skillful action and well realized words.

I've begun a new task for the next thirty days, I am holding myself accountable to my word. in the mornings, I state my intentions for the day, meditate, shower, get dressed and live the day by doing what I've set the intention to do. my life to-do lists are very simple; daily tasks, homework, chores, meditation, yoga and reading. nothing that involves expectations, just making sure I'm doing my life and the footwork to complete tasks that need to get done in the midst of my life in motion.

so back to this skillful thing.
what does it mean to be a skillful practitioner.....
this is something new for me to learn. it's not something I can answer right now or today.
my point of view isn't right, it is skewed by my ego. I have lived a lifetime of thinking I know what is best for me and for everyone else, but all of my being 'right' has been totally utterly wrong. oh no, what?

yes, my view has been skewed.

back to the drawing board.
my practice takes a new shape a new form.

time to step back, and remove my need to label and opinionize (yeah, I made up a word) things. this is gonna take some work!

I definitely hit a new layer of the onion and whew, man, it really made me cry. damn sting as you cut this thing open!

all my righteous advice, and solution knowing brain is swirling into a bubbling mess that needs to be extricated from my brain. fortunately, there is an answer to this.

to keep sitting with what is.
sit every morning.
sit every day.
take care of my heart, mind and body.
breathe.....

and get clear that the knowing, may truly be knowing nothing at all except what is in this very moment.

but, I'm POWERLESS

last week
it snowed
our internet went out
our phone shut down
our power turned off

we hudled in the dark
without the comforts we have grown attached to

the snow continued to fall
fall and fall
forcing us
to stay put, and deal with being home without the distractions that make emotional escape possible

no Tetris
no DVDs
no Phone
no iChatting
no Noisemaker
no Screens to tune out in front of

just us, in the darkened hazy stormy daylight barely cracking through the storm

these severe conditions
would have been enough to force us to grab sharp objects
and kill one and other
but ....

we didn't

I thought of my practice
what I wanted
and how I wanted my son to remember these days
stuck at home
with his Mommy

when the frustrations of cabin fever would grow
I looked at him and said, "I don't want to be that yelly mommy, let's come up with a code word. When we say it, we both Have to Laugh!"

"Banana Peels"

and so, it was settled
whenever one of us got testy, we'd say, "Banana Peels" and whether or not I felt like it, I'd laugh out loud
and then we'd giggle
and feel better

we struggled through the week, it wasn't easy
we curled up and slept in the small bed in my son's room and clutched each other for warmth
and there were moments I really thought I'd gone totally nuts
but we were Powerless
literally without Power

we had no choice

so I made the most of it
and loved each moment
and tried not to beat myself up for all the things I wasn't accomplishing

I had a lot of homework for school and my very late homework for Facilitator Training due
it didn't get done
and for that
I'm struggling

did I meditate?

um, NO
not the way I would have liked to
I was so uneasy
overtired
bad diet
bad sleep
cold
uncomfortable

but.... being Powerless did bring my son and I a very powerful bonding experience
and making the moments with my son count
has been a huge part of my practice this year

I made a promise to my son, to be on the computer less
and present for him more

this past week, he got his wish
NO computer
and 100% non-stop Mommy and Me time