what did I die for anyway?

life after death isn't really all it's cracked up to be. 

after putting so much effort to make the most out of my life, I found myself creeping right back into the old patterns I thought I had left behind.  it was unreasonable and unfair to myself to assume that I was transformed to such an extent that everything would be ultimately different.  its not. 

Life hasn't changed!

ok, maybe I'm being a bit of a drama queen here, but I did find myself going back into some old patterns that I worked so hard to get out of the Year I died.

before I died, I was working for a micro-managing abusive boss in a toxic work environment that was going to kill me if I didn't kill myself first.  I swore, I'd never allow myself to work in a toxic workplace again.

maybe that is the point, that all workplaces are toxic to some degree, but I think it is something else.  it is a kind of person that I work for, the micro manager that slowly abuses me and verbally harms me with words that are difficult to pull myself out from under.

if you hadn't heard, I lost a job I was pretty psyched about last week.  I jumped right in and worked very hard from the starting gate.  by day three, my new boss was telling me, "I don't know if this is going to work," and I heard her say this over and over and over. 

by the time we got to six weeks, my fear in approaching her or talking to her about anything related to my performance was evolving, and I could feel that painful twang and fear I had felt before at 'the restaurant'.  it was amazing, how could two totally different people have the same motivational tactic that caused me so much strife? 

school started last week, and it was understood I'd be returning on August 30th.  after putting off some very serious administrative issues I had no choice but to put me first and go deal with the paperwork.  while running around like a chicken with its head cut off, literally, I was asking myself, what the fuck did I die for?

what's more important?  and I realized, while crying my eyes out trying to fix my account with student accounts, how badly I wanted to be back in school and the big priority completing my education is to ME. 

I didn't die to beg another stupid boss to treat me like a human being and allow me to a good job and notice me.  I died to live my life in a way that was fruitful, and productive.  There was a commitment I made to myself when I died, and one of those gifts was my education and finishing my degree at Bard.

I made other commitments.  I finish my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training next weekend!  there's my commitment to practice and the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group.  to be healthy, eat better, be more compassionate, be in service, do more yoga, work out at the gym, spend time with my son, be a great mom. 

this summer after my death, I did 'Me' half assed because I was in fear.  I tip toed around Me because I was scrambling and afraid that I couldn't support my son and I.  in reality, I missed out on a lot of the promises and plans I made to myself, my kiddo, and my community.

In my mind, I keep hearing myself say, "what the fuck did I die for?" 

I've been wanting to respond to the question on this blog, but up until this morning at 8am on a holiday sunday, it hit me... I DIED FOR ME and it is time to get back to that commitment and honor it.

last night, the topic of the unmentionable meeting was about putting 'sobriety' first.  I challenge that idea and say that it is really more about putting 'ME' first.  if you're a working mom like me, you know that ain't easy.  it takes immense practice to put 'ME' ahead of other things.

when I got let go from my beloved new job via voicemail, where I was called unprofessional, by voicemail (WTF!) not only was I sad, angry, hurt, betrayed and dismayed....... (NOTE:  Clearly I'm writing this with a lot of resentments still and I'm aware that there are many lessons here for me)  I was also RELIEVED!  sounds crazy right?  I was let go of having to please someone else who was setting  me up to fail as a form of motivation.  I could stop running on a hamster wheel, and get back to the life I died for.

after our annual three week summer break, I get my Zman back today.  I offered to get him a day early so we could 'hang' out and spend some time together before he starts school on Tuesday.  I'm putting this down on proverbial paper, to say, I want to insure that I'm honoring my commitment to be present and honor my little kiddo. 

so let's review the gifts of death I was so happy about only three months ago;

my motherhood, which is a miracle
my spiritual practice, meditation, yoga
my body, working out, eating more compassionately
my spiritual training, completing my Facilitator Training
my education, back in school
my family, I still need to make amends to my sister

maybe I need to create a 'Grateful to be Dead' list and keep it handy, so I can continue to remind myself what I reincarnated back to this life for.  hmmmm...... that sounds like a good idea!

it feels as though I died years ago.  it was really easy to get away from the importance of my death and the lessons that came with it.  the transitions of the past week were substantial, and I'm very thankful for the wake up call to get back into my life and honor the things that are true to ME.