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so I've been spending a few days, staring at this page trying to craft a brilliant solution based end of year missive about life after death.  frankly, I'm pulling a blank.

my friend Dan Barton sent me this Thomas Mann quote, "A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."

perhaps this is what drives me, the challenges.  when life is about coasting, and there isn't much work to be done, it can be rather boring.

it is the struggle, the challenge, the suffering, the pain, the difficulties that present lessons and make life a far more interesting ride.  I'm certainly not inviting struggle, in fact, I have great disdain for complications.  but here I am, struggling.... my financial situation is a drag, I'm unemployed for the first time in my life for months and months and teetering on how I'm going to make it to next week.

ok, here come the groovy people, telling me to make a gratitude list.  here's some gratitude, I'm grateful to be breathing air, right now, air, grateful air is going in and out of my lungs.

2010 was a wretched struggle.  from beginning to end, I've peeled layers of the onion that revealed fear, pain and opened myself to the things I'd rather run from, mainly love.

yet, maybe there is much more to be grateful for.

tonight I gather with friends and facilitate a gathering where we come together to invite in the precepts, let go of what doesn't serve us, and set intentions for 2011.  I feel a little bit like an imposter in my own skin, because I'm not sure I can stand up with my peers and say, I'm practicing these principals in all my affairs.  maybe that's my intention... something simple like... bringing it back to the practice.  getting back to basics, and putting mindfulness back into my daily life, letting go of expectations and outcomes and most importantly, continuing to walk through my fear and be ready for the true love that stands a few feet in front of me.  it is very close.  possibility is back in my heart.  I am ready.

hmmm... maybe I do have a solution, maybe my torment was that I didn't want to just admit... I'm a human being like everyone else and it is ok to have to go back to the beginning and start fresh with what is next.  perhaps I didn't die for nothing... it looks like my life on this side is still very different than where I was on June 14th 2009.... maybe there is gratitude beyond my breath, like my repaired relationship with my family and most importantly the close bond I have with my son.  that I can be friends with my ex-husband and that he came to me and made his own amends.  that I know that people LOVE me, people whom I value and care for greatly and respect and admire.  most importantly, as corny as it might be... my heart is inside out today, the scar tissue turned inside and the vulnerable, raw bits are out there.... possibility has returned to me... I FEEL my heart beating inside my chest again... after all this time, and that is without a doubt something to be very, very grateful for.

so, 2010 might have been a sucky year, but it was full of milestones and a couple of kidney stones... all of which have passed.... just as tough times usually do.

so ... cheers!  to whatever is next.... I stand up, spiritual warrior... ready to face life ahead, regardless of what date it is.

2010 the year I died, and then what

lying on my deathbed watching the True Blood premier on June 13th,
I examined my year, my life.... and had but one regret....

I began my year with an adventure abroad.
When I came home, my life was still there...
so I made, changes, upped my practice, meditated more, and slowly chipped away at the toxicity of my life... and cleared out the things that messed with my serenity.
There was unfinished business and goals I might have held out on, had I not been dying.
I went back to school, I started and completed my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training, worked hard on my relationship with my son, made amends to my ex-husband and family... and made great strides and accomplishments.  My life ended successfully.
but there was...
one regret....

so here I am, six months later, lingering on ... my one regret..... it is the thing I want most, and the thing that I have no control over.
on my deathbed, I practiced acceptance and decided that my life was not about what I don't have, but about what I do have.  I agreed with myself, that I would let go and be ok with life as it is. life on life's terms.  my karma would dictate my path.

as I let go... the floodgates opened... and the boy-attention began... without doing anything at all, they have come into my life, one by one, a parade of false starts.  what is the redeeming quality of each of these potential suitors... I did nothing to seek them out or make them happen.  they manifested on their own, no online dating or manipulative event planning.  these guys, one by one, have come into my life organically.  this should sound great, but actually, it kind of sucks.  while I appreciate all the men that have and are flitting around me... I sense that these opportunities have been around me my entire life... I've just been too much of a control freak and life manipulator to notice them before.

regardless, it is irrelevant.  my one regret still remains.

a lot of things in my life sorta suck right now.  I'm not working, this semester kicked my ass, I got sick a lot this past fall, I'm gloomy a lot more than happy, I feel my suffering more deeply in my sobriety than ever before... life just feels hard right now.   all these things, seem so inconsequential to the one thing that matters most.... Love.  it comes in many forms, and I am lucky, I've manifested a lot of Love in my life.  my friends and family and son love me greatly.  even my sick twisted dysfunctional family Loves me.  but there's that hole in my chest, no matter how hard I Love myself... it is that lesson I learned in death... nothing is more important... nothing caused me more pain... that I didn't find that one true great love before I died.

it's not like I'm dead, I'm here.  I exist.

as the New Year approaches and people are thinking about their resolutions, I'm putting my energy on Intentions for 2011.  the only thing I can come up with;

I set an intention to break through my fears about love....