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so I've been spending a few days, staring at this page trying to craft a brilliant solution based end of year missive about life after death.  frankly, I'm pulling a blank.

my friend Dan Barton sent me this Thomas Mann quote, "A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."

perhaps this is what drives me, the challenges.  when life is about coasting, and there isn't much work to be done, it can be rather boring.

it is the struggle, the challenge, the suffering, the pain, the difficulties that present lessons and make life a far more interesting ride.  I'm certainly not inviting struggle, in fact, I have great disdain for complications.  but here I am, struggling.... my financial situation is a drag, I'm unemployed for the first time in my life for months and months and teetering on how I'm going to make it to next week.

ok, here come the groovy people, telling me to make a gratitude list.  here's some gratitude, I'm grateful to be breathing air, right now, air, grateful air is going in and out of my lungs.

2010 was a wretched struggle.  from beginning to end, I've peeled layers of the onion that revealed fear, pain and opened myself to the things I'd rather run from, mainly love.

yet, maybe there is much more to be grateful for.

tonight I gather with friends and facilitate a gathering where we come together to invite in the precepts, let go of what doesn't serve us, and set intentions for 2011.  I feel a little bit like an imposter in my own skin, because I'm not sure I can stand up with my peers and say, I'm practicing these principals in all my affairs.  maybe that's my intention... something simple like... bringing it back to the practice.  getting back to basics, and putting mindfulness back into my daily life, letting go of expectations and outcomes and most importantly, continuing to walk through my fear and be ready for the true love that stands a few feet in front of me.  it is very close.  possibility is back in my heart.  I am ready.

hmmm... maybe I do have a solution, maybe my torment was that I didn't want to just admit... I'm a human being like everyone else and it is ok to have to go back to the beginning and start fresh with what is next.  perhaps I didn't die for nothing... it looks like my life on this side is still very different than where I was on June 14th 2009.... maybe there is gratitude beyond my breath, like my repaired relationship with my family and most importantly the close bond I have with my son.  that I can be friends with my ex-husband and that he came to me and made his own amends.  that I know that people LOVE me, people whom I value and care for greatly and respect and admire.  most importantly, as corny as it might be... my heart is inside out today, the scar tissue turned inside and the vulnerable, raw bits are out there.... possibility has returned to me... I FEEL my heart beating inside my chest again... after all this time, and that is without a doubt something to be very, very grateful for.

so, 2010 might have been a sucky year, but it was full of milestones and a couple of kidney stones... all of which have passed.... just as tough times usually do.

so ... cheers!  to whatever is next.... I stand up, spiritual warrior... ready to face life ahead, regardless of what date it is.