What the fuck did I die for? (reprise)

Since my death over a year ago, I have often asked myself the same question, "What the fuck did I die for?"  After I was reborn, dead then awakened or whatever, I came to the conclusion that I had transformed and that life could be different.

I've been seeking, reaching and willfully making every effort to manifest big change.  Let me tell you ... there has been a giant multi-round sumo wrestling match between my desire and my life.  Guess which one isn't winning?

This past Thursday, the forward momentum of this whirlwind journey of change came to a screeching halt.  Driving three hours back from NYC in crazy traffic back to the little cabin, I was pleasantly surprised when a familiar feeling returned that I hadn't experienced in some time.  It was.........




surrender.



I just ... let it go... every emotion I could have drummed up, the self-judgment, the anger... all the things I know how to bring to the manifested pity party...  but there was no pity party.  There was no room for any of the hindrances that were going to pull me away from the most balanced moment I had experienced in months.



surrender.



I've surrendered over the past few years and have felt a sense of grace, this was a bit similar but different.  There was a pleasing sort of void that accompanied my wave of the white flag.  Instead of an outside demon, I was waving this flag at myself.

By the time I got home, it was dark.  My child was beyond elated to see me, running into my arms and jumping on me as though he hadn't seen me in months.  We walked into our house together, I made him some late night dinner, afterwords we snuggled up and I let him fall asleep in my arms in my bed as though he were still my little baby boy.  We laid there in my bed, him in my arms breathing that heavy sleep sound.  I was so happy to be home in my bed with my kid.

"What the fuck did I die for?"

 Oh yeah, I died to appreciate 'THIS'.  What this?  This thing, this life, this moment, this breath, this place, that I'm here that I have this life that I'm in now.  Since last week, I've been mindful again, I started meditating again, I took myself to a spa for a day, bought a juicer and started juicing, went to my son's school open house, going for long walks in the morning, packing my son's lunch, going through my son's homework, reading, taking moment by moment.

If you've been following along, I truly believed that I lost my religion.  My sense of spiritual self seemed to vanish the past few months.  Of course, this transition and cross-roads is just another reminder that feeling of losing my sense of self is just part of my path.  This is all part of my journey and there are lessons to take.

Most importantly, I go back to the answer to "What the fuck did I die for?" and I can say... I died so I can live.

I forgot how much I appreciate the life I've created here at the magical lil cabin in the woods.  My world is filled with beautiful landscape, a wonderful home, the most awesome kid and people around me who really like me.  I've made a place for myself right here.  There's no need to run, because why would I want to run from the life I have?  I guess I thought the classic green grass would make me more fulfilled and happy.  Instead that green grass wasn't very green at all.

I don't regret letting go of my 'feeling' of dying and being reborn.  I anticipate seeking other fences to jump throughout my lifetime.  In my deepest struggles and hardest suffering comes the best lessons.  I've been reminded of two things;

1)  Acceptance is the answer.
2)  I have much to be grateful for.

This missive may read like a gratitude list, but frankly, I've been so confused about what the point of my Year to Live practice was, I'm glad to find a moment of clarity to ride on.   My life is really awesome, not perfect, not wealthy, not this not that.... but everything I have is really worth relishing.  Almost losing it made it clear how precious it really is.