questioning gratitude

I've learned to see the gratitude in many things. I have had many days where I've been able to steer myself back to feeling grateful for the life I have. I mean, what's not to be grateful for, right?

It isn't that hard to look at what I have, and find gratitude in the skeleton that makes up my life and the simple things around me that are enough. Let's review the components here;

My health
My son
My home
My country lifestyle
My job
My friends & family
My spiritual practice


Check, check, check, etc... I have the essentials a person needs to live, and live comfortably enough.

But with a year to live, I find myself deeply analyzing and reevaluating each of these components. I thought I had such immense gratitude because I thought my journey was right where it needs to be. But now I'm dying, with less than a year left, I feel GRIEF! Loss! Resentment! Frustration!

Instead of moseying along with gratitude for what I have, I'm feeling the empty holes of what I think is missing.

For the first time in a long time, I feel great dissatisfaction with the way my life is. The essentials may not be enough.

The question now.... what am I gonna do about it?

Yesterday, I received some very troubling news about my son and his struggles in school. I began to look at my life and the life I am giving him. Because I'm in the beginning stages of my Year to Live practice, I'm taking this on with a sense of urgency. Like I need to sort this out fast and come up with a long term solution because I need to know my son will be ok after I'm gone.

This has launched a probe into all aspects of my life. What do I need to do to make it right, RIGHT NOW. There isn't much time and it's got to be resolved.

Am I living the life I truly want to. How much power to I have to change it? and... Can my will do the work, or do I have to continue working through the forces of the universe.

I'm definitely feeling fear, despair and a change of perspective.

For today, my gratitude is taking a back seat. I am looking at my life, and defining it with totality and finality.

newborn

I'm sitting at home, watching my cats take turns at the food bowl. I've been gone for about a week and it is questionable as to whether or not they were fed consistently, let alone fed at all.

First of all, not that it matters... but I am NOT a cat person. I dig dogs. I've always had a dog. I relate to dogs much better.

I have two cats. Rather than engage, I prefer to remain the observer.

Pippi is about eleven years old. I borrowed her a couple of years ago to help with a mouse problem I had in my last house. Her owner let us keep her, and she sort of just ended up being ours. Pippi and I have been cohabiting peacefully. I feed her, change her litter box, let her out and let her in as she requests. Every once in a while, Pippi will check in with me, she'll come by and let me pet her and we make a human to cat connection. She's been a decent mouser and kept my last house pretty much mouseless to my knowledge.

Then we moved to the little cabin. Here I have a mouse Problem! Pippi needed a partner.

So, when a workmate asked me if I wanted a kitten, I jumped at the chance to increase the cat to mouse ratio.

And so, we adopted a little kitten named Henrietta Rollins. She's got some long crazy name my son gave her to the effect of "Henrietta Xena Rollins Black Flag Anarchy Punk Rock Kitty Cat" but... that's pretty long to call her on a regular basis.

Henrietta is just three months old.

The two are now cohabiting with me.

It has been a very very very long time since I lived with any sort of baby, animal or human. I was losing sense of what it is like to be very very new.

This is definitely Pippi's house, she's been there done that, and she definitely is going first at the food bowl right now.

Henrietta is fresh, brand new. She climbs all sorts of things, goes up in the loft, has fun with lint on the floor, everything is exciting and fun to explore.

Pippi has been through all that. She likes it under my bed, chills in the same few spots in the house and doesn't climb anything anymore.

Why do I explain all this about a couple of cats? Because in my effort to merely observe, I realize I can often be like Pippi.

Been there, done that! Chillin' in the same habitual spots.

Henrietta Rollins wants to explore every nook and cranny and every corner of the house. She climbs up into holes and shelves. Nothing is boring, it's all new.

I am learning from her that I want my eyes to see things in that new way. To find excitement in some scrap of ribbon from a birthday gift, or want to explore further and more of the territory where I live.

As I embark on my last year of life, I want to be the "kitty". I don't know anything, it is all new. To be open to each experience, place and thing as though it is my first time.

She is also aware that Pippi is an old broad and a big cat, she knows her place. While in our buddhist practice, we are all equal, not everyone is on that page. I am resigning myself to be humble, even if the other person is being degrading or unkind. It is not because of me. They are just being "old".

If I have to chose between the elderly life and the baby anew... I chose Newborn Elissa Jane.

Now, it's time to run to the farm stand to pick up some local strawberries and bite into them as though I've never tasted a strawberry before.