questioning gratitude

I've learned to see the gratitude in many things. I have had many days where I've been able to steer myself back to feeling grateful for the life I have. I mean, what's not to be grateful for, right?

It isn't that hard to look at what I have, and find gratitude in the skeleton that makes up my life and the simple things around me that are enough. Let's review the components here;

My health
My son
My home
My country lifestyle
My job
My friends & family
My spiritual practice


Check, check, check, etc... I have the essentials a person needs to live, and live comfortably enough.

But with a year to live, I find myself deeply analyzing and reevaluating each of these components. I thought I had such immense gratitude because I thought my journey was right where it needs to be. But now I'm dying, with less than a year left, I feel GRIEF! Loss! Resentment! Frustration!

Instead of moseying along with gratitude for what I have, I'm feeling the empty holes of what I think is missing.

For the first time in a long time, I feel great dissatisfaction with the way my life is. The essentials may not be enough.

The question now.... what am I gonna do about it?

Yesterday, I received some very troubling news about my son and his struggles in school. I began to look at my life and the life I am giving him. Because I'm in the beginning stages of my Year to Live practice, I'm taking this on with a sense of urgency. Like I need to sort this out fast and come up with a long term solution because I need to know my son will be ok after I'm gone.

This has launched a probe into all aspects of my life. What do I need to do to make it right, RIGHT NOW. There isn't much time and it's got to be resolved.

Am I living the life I truly want to. How much power to I have to change it? and... Can my will do the work, or do I have to continue working through the forces of the universe.

I'm definitely feeling fear, despair and a change of perspective.

For today, my gratitude is taking a back seat. I am looking at my life, and defining it with totality and finality.