Stuck

My journey to and from work is pretty much a series of one-lane routes for about 30 miles through the rural countryside between Willow and Rhinebeck. On my way home today, I got Stuck behind a pick up truck loaded with hay. This guy was driving 35mph in a 55mph, I mean, I was Stuck. As the drive droned slowly, I felt my frustration of powerlessness seethe in my chest. No, this guy was not bothering to pick up the pace. Cars behind me rode up my proverbial butt and were piling up. This thing was not going to go any faster.

As we got to the Rhinecliff Bridge over the Hudson River, I changed my perspective. I got present and looked up and around the back of the truck in front of me. In this moment, I experienced blue skies with fluffy clouds, majestic mountains with lush green foliage, the Hudson River clear and flowing with boats and a view beyond the pile of hay to enjoy. Mindful of everything around this slow moving vehicle, I gave my attention to the awesomeness of the Hudson Valley.

Sure enough, I had a chance to pass him, only to turn off behind another slow guy, and another and another. Each time, same sort of trapped claustrophobic Stuck feeling reemerged. And when that feeling rose up, I looked at the little blue Buddha on my dashboard, and remembered to look up, and out. Stuck was a state of mind. I could kick back and enjoy the experience as easily as I was Stuck.

My practice is in a similar holding pattern. When I announced that I was dying, I was filled with excitement about jumpstarting the end of my life and embarking on the Year to Live Practice. I had just been to Puerto Rico where I had the kick off adventure, began picking off items on my bucket list, announced my death to some friends and family… I was excited to live life to the fullest and share this with everything and everyone.

When we went on our camping retreat at the end of August, we were gathered around the campfire talking. Each group member discussed their feelings about relationships, commitment, feelings with men and women and a host of stuff as it connects to intimacy. I froze. I sat in my chair and quietly sobbed in the dark. I felt something rise up from my inner-core and surface, like a slow moving monster in a deep abyss finally surfacing, there it was…. FEAR!

I somehow managed to say it aloud, “I’m scared.”

Fear is NOT an emotion I know, or understand or feel. Or at least, I thought.

My outgoing, courageous outer crust is a shield, which has hidden that I am filled with FEAR. I had no idea what being scared feels like. In that moment, by the crackling campfire, I came to the realization that I am STUCK!

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been in this pain, feeling a new feeling to me. Scared? Fear? Not me, not Elissa Jane!

So, I’ve done what I do when I feel a new feeling, isolate, and cry, recoil. I allowed myself to feel stuck.

Just like I felt behind the truck, or that car, or that van or the other vehicles driving 20mph on Sawkill Road tonight, I have been allowing myself to feel Stuck by FEAR.

In that last mile or so before my house, the last slow moving vehicle turned away and I had about a minute to kick up the gas and wind my way home at the 60mph I prefer. Free of the hurdles, I felt released from the forces keeping me from going at my speed.

My life is going a similar way…. not the way I’d like it to or at the pace I’d prefer it to. So, I am afraid. That is ok, I can look up and over it, and see other things too.

After going through my nightly routine, I had a very chill sit tonight.

Tomorrow, it’s back to work, not just the career job, but more importantly... take on the spiritual task at hand. So, I’m afraid of what I might find, that I might change my pace or see something differently. That’s what I’m doing this thing for anyway.