you can't always get what you want

as I thought about whether or not I'd really try this practice out.... I had the expectation that I'd be getting a dying woman's wish from each of the important people I shared my "news" with.

I envisioned my family and certain friends to want to "give" me something I've secretly wanted.... I imagined my mom in a present, emotional and connected moment giving me the Mother Daughter connection I've craved for forty years. in a life close to death, I thought I would be able to be with my family on vacation. somehow, I pictured my ex declaring he’d get sober. my son would be the perfect child. friends would rally to spend more time with me. yes, all this and that I would have permission to be and do life totally differently.

.... but, life hasn't changed. my life and its circumstances are the same. it is just me that is changing.

the only expectations I can put on anything or anyone is on myself to put the work into the practice.

just because I'm dying, doesn't mean I'm going to find a last moment of falling in love bliss, or the career move of a lifetime, or that poignant moment where my mother tells me how proud she is of me.

no, I can’t always get what I want.
no, I’m not going to just get what I want because of the fantastic notions that I’m going to have my dying wishes befall me.

I’ve been pulling away from pressuring myself to do the twelve-step thing and to focus on this practice solely. in an effort to streamline my frenetic excitement and zest for sober life, I’ve decided to commit myself solely to my Buddhist practice and let the other ideas like learning to ride a motorcycle, join the roller derby and other big notions take a back seat to this idea of focusing solely on my practice and on this quest to clean my Karma.

while I’m not really getting anything new or different, per say, I am at the precipice for an opportunity I never really imagined….

I’ve been asked by that other fellowship to lead morning meditation at a recovery retreat. Next month, I will be co-facilitating another Dharma Punx retreat. in a few more weeks I’ll be on a plane to LA to begin my facilitator training with Noah. there is the weekly group in Ktown I formed, which continues to morph and grow.

looking ahead beyond my routine are grand opportunities for me to pass on the message, share sangha and practice. I get to be in service to others.

nothing outside of myself will fill my “god shaped hole” in my heart.

I can work replace a little bit of other people’s pain by giving my heart freely and openly. I can offer Metta… and in turn… put love out, instead of feeling like I need to have Love come in. I am not a car that needs to run on some sort of Love Fuel, but I can be a source of compassion and love for others and make this world a little better by caring about other people’s pain and suffering.

no, I’m not really getting what I want by dying. But, knowing that I’m dying makes me think about my mark on the world. I can get what I need by being in service and sharing the dharma with others.

it may be cliché, but thinking of the Stones tune as I think of my future funeral sort of makes me realize…. in my passage towards death, I might actually get what I need.