when I embarked on my year to live practice back in June of 2009, I was employed by an abusive employer in a toxic work environment. during those days, while I was exploring how I wanted to 'end' my life... I knew that this was something I very much wanted to change. getting up in the morning and leaving the house to go to work for that wretchedly domineering boss created such a high level of anxiety for me. living in fear, I was afraid to quit, because I never thought I'd find another job or means to a career ever again. despite the incredibly poor working conditions, the abuse, the control and the overall lack of respect my employer had for me, I remained accountable and continued to work that thankless job with all the excellence I could muster. it doesn't take very much for me to reflect on that time, I relive the painful anxiety I felt daily. fear was driving my decisions, and for me, I couldn't see a way out.
a few months after I started my year to live practice... and over a year in that position.... I had promoted an awesome event for the 3rd time, doubled the numbers from the year before, brought in thousands more dollars and heaps of press for the company. it was an unbelievable success!!! as I walked into work that next morning, I expected applause and a raise. instead, I was called into my boss' office and terminated!!! continuing to feed my fear, as he illegally threatened me... I agreed to his terms and with integrity and diplomacy, I finalized my working arrangement with class and grace.
as I walked out the door, no one knowing I had been fired, I felt a certain sense of pride in my accountability and ability to be so professional despite the circumstances. I remember getting in my car and driving out of the parking lot that morning... and as I drove down the main drag, out of Rhinebeck, and over the Kingston/Rhinecliff Bridge, I made a promise to myself.... never again will I let myself erode like that in a work environment again. I swore on that day that I would spend the rest of my life broke before going through something like that again.
I went back to school. my freelance work was slow but steady enough to cover my expenses. I cut back on my spending to mere needs like food and utilities. like a good little buddhist, I let go of material needs and replaced them with a feeling of peace I hadn't felt in some time (if ever). despite my financial state, the fear of economic insecurity left me... and I relished that I had a chance to break the fetters of abuse to find a new path. letting go of the desperate chase, the fearful dynamic and the need to grab onto something.... I put myself first and embarked on a new way to support myself. I let work come to me.
what, work come to me? yes.... without fighting for it... I've learned to attract work and treat my right livelihood as a priority.
fast forward.... to today. I had an awesome day. my career seems to be attached to positive opportunity... and the energy and excitement around it is inspiring. I'm surrounded by interesting projects, new opportunities to learn new things, clients who encourage me, people who say thank you and a feeling of encouragement I haven't felt in many, many years. my lifestyle choices are nourished by the kinds of work I am doing, and I can see balance ahead in my future. it's not in my present, but the life I dreamed of... that life of being able to support myself and take care of myself by working with people who want to take care of me... it is coming to fruition.
this process that is unfolding is directly related to the experiences I had during my year to live practice. I'm so incredibly grateful today... yes, gratitude for my livelihood, not only because I have work but because I'm surrounded by positive projects and people who chose to encourage, educate and inspire me.
since my death, I've had days where I wondered what I died for. right now, it's pretty clear that I died to feel like 'this', enthusiastic about my career path and all the people who are in it.
