one of the greatest issues for me, was coming to terms with my life as it "is".
each day, I prepared myself to accept that my life is what it is supposed to be, and that dying wasn't going to give me a chance to change it.
with all the work I have to do in the coming months to prepare for my departure, I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to face myself in the end and feel I really did the work fully.
FEAR... stood in my way of making changes.
but the Universe, opened that door for me.
the chains have been broken....
throughout this past week, I've seen the pendulum swing back and forth in the highs and lows. I've often said throughout my life, "With the highest highs, come the lowest lows." this concept can be applied to just about anything, especially when something really Great happens, something extra Crappy happens to balance it out.
in the past months of my practice, I've been looking to find things like serenity, peace, calm, life sans drama, or as some might put it.... The Middle Way.
with life altering events occurring in my present state, I am at a Turning Point. at this very moment, doors are being opened. there are many options.
but I am doing what I've been practicing for the past few years, and trying to just do the Next Right Thing.
in this moment, in this very second, I'm entering a new chapter. opportunity has presented itself.
for the first time in my life, I'm going to sit back and take care of my soul first, my spirituality and heart get priority.
I am working towards finding my way back to the breath, and in turn, finding my path down the Middle Way. my goal is to break from the prison of the high highs and low lows, delete myself from my addiction to drama and extreme emotion... and find peace in chillage on a whole other level.
there is much more to say, and I'll be writing as I'm working through this experience. life is presenting a whole new thing.. something new... it is not an end... but an opening... a chance to get it right.... for all the times I've said, "I wish someone would just give me a chance." Someone has.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
you can't always get what you want
as I thought about whether or not I'd really try this practice out.... I had the expectation that I'd be getting a dying woman's wish from each of the important people I shared my "news" with.
I envisioned my family and certain friends to want to "give" me something I've secretly wanted.... I imagined my mom in a present, emotional and connected moment giving me the Mother Daughter connection I've craved for forty years. in a life close to death, I thought I would be able to be with my family on vacation. somehow, I pictured my ex declaring he’d get sober. my son would be the perfect child. friends would rally to spend more time with me. yes, all this and that I would have permission to be and do life totally differently.
.... but, life hasn't changed. my life and its circumstances are the same. it is just me that is changing.
the only expectations I can put on anything or anyone is on myself to put the work into the practice.
just because I'm dying, doesn't mean I'm going to find a last moment of falling in love bliss, or the career move of a lifetime, or that poignant moment where my mother tells me how proud she is of me.
no, I can’t always get what I want.
no, I’m not going to just get what I want because of the fantastic notions that I’m going to have my dying wishes befall me.
I’ve been pulling away from pressuring myself to do the twelve-step thing and to focus on this practice solely. in an effort to streamline my frenetic excitement and zest for sober life, I’ve decided to commit myself solely to my Buddhist practice and let the other ideas like learning to ride a motorcycle, join the roller derby and other big notions take a back seat to this idea of focusing solely on my practice and on this quest to clean my Karma.
while I’m not really getting anything new or different, per say, I am at the precipice for an opportunity I never really imagined….
I’ve been asked by that other fellowship to lead morning meditation at a recovery retreat. Next month, I will be co-facilitating another Dharma Punx retreat. in a few more weeks I’ll be on a plane to LA to begin my facilitator training with Noah. there is the weekly group in Ktown I formed, which continues to morph and grow.
looking ahead beyond my routine are grand opportunities for me to pass on the message, share sangha and practice. I get to be in service to others.
nothing outside of myself will fill my “god shaped hole” in my heart.
I can work replace a little bit of other people’s pain by giving my heart freely and openly. I can offer Metta… and in turn… put love out, instead of feeling like I need to have Love come in. I am not a car that needs to run on some sort of Love Fuel, but I can be a source of compassion and love for others and make this world a little better by caring about other people’s pain and suffering.
no, I’m not really getting what I want by dying. But, knowing that I’m dying makes me think about my mark on the world. I can get what I need by being in service and sharing the dharma with others.
it may be cliché, but thinking of the Stones tune as I think of my future funeral sort of makes me realize…. in my passage towards death, I might actually get what I need.
I envisioned my family and certain friends to want to "give" me something I've secretly wanted.... I imagined my mom in a present, emotional and connected moment giving me the Mother Daughter connection I've craved for forty years. in a life close to death, I thought I would be able to be with my family on vacation. somehow, I pictured my ex declaring he’d get sober. my son would be the perfect child. friends would rally to spend more time with me. yes, all this and that I would have permission to be and do life totally differently.
.... but, life hasn't changed. my life and its circumstances are the same. it is just me that is changing.
the only expectations I can put on anything or anyone is on myself to put the work into the practice.
just because I'm dying, doesn't mean I'm going to find a last moment of falling in love bliss, or the career move of a lifetime, or that poignant moment where my mother tells me how proud she is of me.
no, I can’t always get what I want.
no, I’m not going to just get what I want because of the fantastic notions that I’m going to have my dying wishes befall me.
I’ve been pulling away from pressuring myself to do the twelve-step thing and to focus on this practice solely. in an effort to streamline my frenetic excitement and zest for sober life, I’ve decided to commit myself solely to my Buddhist practice and let the other ideas like learning to ride a motorcycle, join the roller derby and other big notions take a back seat to this idea of focusing solely on my practice and on this quest to clean my Karma.
while I’m not really getting anything new or different, per say, I am at the precipice for an opportunity I never really imagined….
I’ve been asked by that other fellowship to lead morning meditation at a recovery retreat. Next month, I will be co-facilitating another Dharma Punx retreat. in a few more weeks I’ll be on a plane to LA to begin my facilitator training with Noah. there is the weekly group in Ktown I formed, which continues to morph and grow.
looking ahead beyond my routine are grand opportunities for me to pass on the message, share sangha and practice. I get to be in service to others.
nothing outside of myself will fill my “god shaped hole” in my heart.
I can work replace a little bit of other people’s pain by giving my heart freely and openly. I can offer Metta… and in turn… put love out, instead of feeling like I need to have Love come in. I am not a car that needs to run on some sort of Love Fuel, but I can be a source of compassion and love for others and make this world a little better by caring about other people’s pain and suffering.
no, I’m not really getting what I want by dying. But, knowing that I’m dying makes me think about my mark on the world. I can get what I need by being in service and sharing the dharma with others.
it may be cliché, but thinking of the Stones tune as I think of my future funeral sort of makes me realize…. in my passage towards death, I might actually get what I need.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Stuck
My journey to and from work is pretty much a series of one-lane routes for about 30 miles through the rural countryside between Willow and Rhinebeck. On my way home today, I got Stuck behind a pick up truck loaded with hay. This guy was driving 35mph in a 55mph, I mean, I was Stuck. As the drive droned slowly, I felt my frustration of powerlessness seethe in my chest. No, this guy was not bothering to pick up the pace. Cars behind me rode up my proverbial butt and were piling up. This thing was not going to go any faster.
As we got to the Rhinecliff Bridge over the Hudson River, I changed my perspective. I got present and looked up and around the back of the truck in front of me. In this moment, I experienced blue skies with fluffy clouds, majestic mountains with lush green foliage, the Hudson River clear and flowing with boats and a view beyond the pile of hay to enjoy. Mindful of everything around this slow moving vehicle, I gave my attention to the awesomeness of the Hudson Valley.
Sure enough, I had a chance to pass him, only to turn off behind another slow guy, and another and another. Each time, same sort of trapped claustrophobic Stuck feeling reemerged. And when that feeling rose up, I looked at the little blue Buddha on my dashboard, and remembered to look up, and out. Stuck was a state of mind. I could kick back and enjoy the experience as easily as I was Stuck.
My practice is in a similar holding pattern. When I announced that I was dying, I was filled with excitement about jumpstarting the end of my life and embarking on the Year to Live Practice. I had just been to Puerto Rico where I had the kick off adventure, began picking off items on my bucket list, announced my death to some friends and family… I was excited to live life to the fullest and share this with everything and everyone.
When we went on our camping retreat at the end of August, we were gathered around the campfire talking. Each group member discussed their feelings about relationships, commitment, feelings with men and women and a host of stuff as it connects to intimacy. I froze. I sat in my chair and quietly sobbed in the dark. I felt something rise up from my inner-core and surface, like a slow moving monster in a deep abyss finally surfacing, there it was…. FEAR!
I somehow managed to say it aloud, “I’m scared.”
Fear is NOT an emotion I know, or understand or feel. Or at least, I thought.
My outgoing, courageous outer crust is a shield, which has hidden that I am filled with FEAR. I had no idea what being scared feels like. In that moment, by the crackling campfire, I came to the realization that I am STUCK!
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been in this pain, feeling a new feeling to me. Scared? Fear? Not me, not Elissa Jane!
So, I’ve done what I do when I feel a new feeling, isolate, and cry, recoil. I allowed myself to feel stuck.
Just like I felt behind the truck, or that car, or that van or the other vehicles driving 20mph on Sawkill Road tonight, I have been allowing myself to feel Stuck by FEAR.
In that last mile or so before my house, the last slow moving vehicle turned away and I had about a minute to kick up the gas and wind my way home at the 60mph I prefer. Free of the hurdles, I felt released from the forces keeping me from going at my speed.
My life is going a similar way…. not the way I’d like it to or at the pace I’d prefer it to. So, I am afraid. That is ok, I can look up and over it, and see other things too.
After going through my nightly routine, I had a very chill sit tonight.
Tomorrow, it’s back to work, not just the career job, but more importantly... take on the spiritual task at hand. So, I’m afraid of what I might find, that I might change my pace or see something differently. That’s what I’m doing this thing for anyway.
As we got to the Rhinecliff Bridge over the Hudson River, I changed my perspective. I got present and looked up and around the back of the truck in front of me. In this moment, I experienced blue skies with fluffy clouds, majestic mountains with lush green foliage, the Hudson River clear and flowing with boats and a view beyond the pile of hay to enjoy. Mindful of everything around this slow moving vehicle, I gave my attention to the awesomeness of the Hudson Valley.
Sure enough, I had a chance to pass him, only to turn off behind another slow guy, and another and another. Each time, same sort of trapped claustrophobic Stuck feeling reemerged. And when that feeling rose up, I looked at the little blue Buddha on my dashboard, and remembered to look up, and out. Stuck was a state of mind. I could kick back and enjoy the experience as easily as I was Stuck.
My practice is in a similar holding pattern. When I announced that I was dying, I was filled with excitement about jumpstarting the end of my life and embarking on the Year to Live Practice. I had just been to Puerto Rico where I had the kick off adventure, began picking off items on my bucket list, announced my death to some friends and family… I was excited to live life to the fullest and share this with everything and everyone.
When we went on our camping retreat at the end of August, we were gathered around the campfire talking. Each group member discussed their feelings about relationships, commitment, feelings with men and women and a host of stuff as it connects to intimacy. I froze. I sat in my chair and quietly sobbed in the dark. I felt something rise up from my inner-core and surface, like a slow moving monster in a deep abyss finally surfacing, there it was…. FEAR!
I somehow managed to say it aloud, “I’m scared.”
Fear is NOT an emotion I know, or understand or feel. Or at least, I thought.
My outgoing, courageous outer crust is a shield, which has hidden that I am filled with FEAR. I had no idea what being scared feels like. In that moment, by the crackling campfire, I came to the realization that I am STUCK!
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been in this pain, feeling a new feeling to me. Scared? Fear? Not me, not Elissa Jane!
So, I’ve done what I do when I feel a new feeling, isolate, and cry, recoil. I allowed myself to feel stuck.
Just like I felt behind the truck, or that car, or that van or the other vehicles driving 20mph on Sawkill Road tonight, I have been allowing myself to feel Stuck by FEAR.
In that last mile or so before my house, the last slow moving vehicle turned away and I had about a minute to kick up the gas and wind my way home at the 60mph I prefer. Free of the hurdles, I felt released from the forces keeping me from going at my speed.
My life is going a similar way…. not the way I’d like it to or at the pace I’d prefer it to. So, I am afraid. That is ok, I can look up and over it, and see other things too.
After going through my nightly routine, I had a very chill sit tonight.
Tomorrow, it’s back to work, not just the career job, but more importantly... take on the spiritual task at hand. So, I’m afraid of what I might find, that I might change my pace or see something differently. That’s what I’m doing this thing for anyway.
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