2010 the year I died, and then what

lying on my deathbed watching the True Blood premier on June 13th,
I examined my year, my life.... and had but one regret....

I began my year with an adventure abroad.
When I came home, my life was still there...
so I made, changes, upped my practice, meditated more, and slowly chipped away at the toxicity of my life... and cleared out the things that messed with my serenity.
There was unfinished business and goals I might have held out on, had I not been dying.
I went back to school, I started and completed my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training, worked hard on my relationship with my son, made amends to my ex-husband and family... and made great strides and accomplishments.  My life ended successfully.
but there was...
one regret....

so here I am, six months later, lingering on ... my one regret..... it is the thing I want most, and the thing that I have no control over.
on my deathbed, I practiced acceptance and decided that my life was not about what I don't have, but about what I do have.  I agreed with myself, that I would let go and be ok with life as it is. life on life's terms.  my karma would dictate my path.

as I let go... the floodgates opened... and the boy-attention began... without doing anything at all, they have come into my life, one by one, a parade of false starts.  what is the redeeming quality of each of these potential suitors... I did nothing to seek them out or make them happen.  they manifested on their own, no online dating or manipulative event planning.  these guys, one by one, have come into my life organically.  this should sound great, but actually, it kind of sucks.  while I appreciate all the men that have and are flitting around me... I sense that these opportunities have been around me my entire life... I've just been too much of a control freak and life manipulator to notice them before.

regardless, it is irrelevant.  my one regret still remains.

a lot of things in my life sorta suck right now.  I'm not working, this semester kicked my ass, I got sick a lot this past fall, I'm gloomy a lot more than happy, I feel my suffering more deeply in my sobriety than ever before... life just feels hard right now.   all these things, seem so inconsequential to the one thing that matters most.... Love.  it comes in many forms, and I am lucky, I've manifested a lot of Love in my life.  my friends and family and son love me greatly.  even my sick twisted dysfunctional family Loves me.  but there's that hole in my chest, no matter how hard I Love myself... it is that lesson I learned in death... nothing is more important... nothing caused me more pain... that I didn't find that one true great love before I died.

it's not like I'm dead, I'm here.  I exist.

as the New Year approaches and people are thinking about their resolutions, I'm putting my energy on Intentions for 2011.  the only thing I can come up with;

I set an intention to break through my fears about love....