when the black sheep changes colors

this is a very difficult entry to post.

a few years ago, when I began to practice Buddhism regularly, I experienced a certain relief. making a practice of doing the next right thing, cleansing my karma, walking away from drama and choosing not to fight have all brought me a sense of peace.

unfortunately, I'm still me. I do react. my monkey mind is actively working it's way inside my head. I feel, and now that I'm sober, I feel deeply.

as I move forward with my practice, I see and experience greater challenges in my quest to cleanse my karma and reduce suffering.

there are milestones and markers where I see how much I've transformed in such a short period of time. friends share with me that they notice differences in my demeanor. I feel calm, I bring many moments back to my breath. I too can see a changes from the outside in and inside out.

unfortunately, there are still the "triggers". the instigators of my darkest pain and character defects. the people I look to repeatedly looking for unconditional love, who only disappoint me with ridicule and pain.

it is hard to imagine that anyone would want to and work so hard to be so hurtful to me, especially when I've just tried to love them.

my family. sigh. they bring me more suffering than anyone else. they choose to judge me and bring up my greatest pain and self-judgment. no matter what I do to improve myself, be a better person, contribute to society, raise an amazing child, be in service... no matter what generous effort I make, their response is riddled with accusations and abuse.

in the classic psychological portfolio of a family of addiction, I am "the scapegoat". to avoid putting their attention on the real issue, they turn their attention to me.

so.... what happens when the black sheep works to better herself and change the color of her coat?

the more work I do to improve myself and my contribution to the world, the more difficult my relationship with my family has become.

instead of praise, applause and encouragement, I've received a host of emails and IMs where my family has determined I'm certifiably insane!

I told them first of my Year to Live practice, and how important it was for me to make amends for the past with them. to make peace and work on improving my relationship with them.

in response, they've decided I'm stark raving mad and need help.

I guess no one is going to throw me a parade and no one is going to bother to change just because I am.

so, I detach with Love. I think of them in my Metta practice, and pray for them and have compassion that their suffering ends before it's too late.

I may die without them. but at least, I will have recognized that I made an effort to repair a relationship with my toxic family.

the year isn't over. who's to say there's no more time. but at this moment, it seems pretty hopeless that relationships can be changed with those who refuse to see me as Me.