totally forgot I was doing this Year to Live thing

early fall is always a turning point for me. sometimes it is gentle, but in this case, it was abrupt. the past month or so has been incredibly challenging. like the hardest my life has been for some time.

I've made some big choices, and transitions this year. Because of this practice, I stood up for myself in my professional life, applied and got into Bard, took on facilitator training, changed the Dharma Punx HV group to a longer format and took some big steps forward in my recovery. Man, I'm out of breath just typing this out loud.

Last month, my momentum seized. I've hit some big stumbling stones with parenting issues, entering the student population, my ex/divorce being expedited, getting back into freelance work and the layers of new stuff coming up. I've allowed these things to get in my way.

of course, here's the part where I remind myself... the greatest steps towards enlightenment come from the deepest moments of suffering.

with all the transition I've been facing, I forgot all about my Year to Live practice. it was as though I swept it under the rug hoping no one would trip on the giant lump in the middle of the proverbial floor.

what I didn't anticipate, was that the person stumbling would be me.

in my effort to tackle all these life changes, I totally let my simple meditation practice slip away. I had declared to take part in a 90/90 sit, increase my practice in the earlier part of fall, and become even more spiritual.

like a good little junkie, I got into it hard and burned out fast.

this is a little indicative of how I've approached my Year to Live practice.

but wait...

I'm dying, right? I can't get out of dying. I must trudge on.

they say, every time you bring your awareness back to your breath, you have a little awakening.

I'd like to think that I am having a little awakening now. it's time to bring my practice back, and be aware of the Year to Live practice I've committed to.

to my credit, I have been working on my amends, and cleaning up some mess. my acceptance of the divorce is huge. instead of fighting and prolonging, I've offered divorce to my ex as my amends. no fighting.

it all started with "I'm cleansing my Karma". it's time to get back to that and remember why I have chosen this path.

while my awareness of my Year to Live practice has waned the past month, I guess I need to acknowledge that I'm still doing it. I am making my amends, and cleaning up the things I want to take care of before I die.

just need to bring it back to my breath. Today. Breathe in. Breathe out.