2010

with the turning of the clocks
ending the first decade of the millennium
I realize I only have about five months left

in the first six months of this journey, I made so many abrupt changes
and the universe also lent me a hand
I took off to Puerto Rico for my inaugural end of life adventure
my toxic job was terminated
my new life as Bardian Student began
my son's struggles with school got settled
I got my divorce papers

this year, for New Year's Eve
I orchestrated a New Year's Eve Dharma Punx Gathering in the mountains
and rung in the New Year silently in meditation with my sangha, friends new and old
as we opened our eyes, the snow was falling in the light of the blue moon while fireworks exploded in the distance
I had never celebrated the New Year in silence, and never expected the experience to be truly peaceful
part of me felt that I had manifested a magical feeling, but I was willing to go with it and allow it to cycle through me

my son was with my Mom, and it seemed as though he was very far away, and I missed him on New Years. we had such a wonderful holiday time together, but I also needed my time to be still. this just doesn't happen with him in the house.

I've made my amends to my ex-husband as promised. without a struggle, I signed divorce papers, executed, notarized, sent and he filed them today. it is my sincere wish, that by agreeing and not contesting, and giving him the divorce, he will feel the closure he's seeking. I'm pretty surprised how painful it is. despite how much time has past since we split, the actual Divorce part feels to icky and real. it is as though I'm reliving so much of our past together all over again. Zman knocked a box out of the storage loft full of CDs and Photos, in it were pictures of Zman as a baby at his first Xmas/Channukah, Randall & I as newlyweds in New Orleans, pictures of our wedding, my bachelorette party, our first apartment polaroids and photos of my mom and us all together looking happy. it was like staring at a car wreck, I couldn't stop sorting through and looking at each photo. each, catching a snapshot of a moment of my past.... reminding me of what was.

so now what?

I learned these past few months, that if I'm going to die happy, I need to be happy with what I have. the pining for the empty space to be filled in my heart is only causing me more suffering. instead of focusing what I don't have, a life partner, I need to focus on what I do have.....

I have....
a beautiful, smart, loving, talented son
a future at Bard
clients who rely on me
a magical cabin for us to live in
my health (even though I am dying)
friends and community
spiritual practice

just to name a few things to focus on. I spent the fall working on being good at what I have, being a good mom, a decent student, a fun publicist and practiced letting go of the attachment to wanting to be coupled. by allowing myself to let go of the seeking of what I don't have, I cleared my energy to be good at what is in front of me.

right now, in this moment, I'm very proud of the Mom I am. I am confident my son is loved and nurtured and that our relationship is growing stronger because I'm focusing my attention on it. I did ok in school. I'm still working freelance jobs for my favorite client, and I got a new one this winter. I managed to steer clear of toxic relationships and work situations which hurt me rather than enhance me. things are pretty good, we're happy, we have enough.

so now I am wondering, what's left to be done?

I'd like to finish my work on my amends, to right the hurt I've caused. this could be impossible, but there are people that I really need to connect with before it is too late.

tonight, I'm feeling a little lonely, and sad. the divorce process was much more painful than I expected. it is bringing up many emotions from my childhood, feelings of abandonment and failure, and stirring the fear pot.

but I'm strong and triumphant. I know that everything is impermanent. and with death looming .... I have to get my affairs in order. time to get to the real work.