41 by 41

58 days left to live.

that's not much time.

I'm really feeling the pressure to 'get it done'. get what done? get through the final laundry list of things I want to accomplish before my funeral.

about a week ago, I was noshing at a small restaurant in Woodstock. in such close quarters, I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the various conversations around me. there was a woman at a nearby table going on about her new age woo woo workshop for women. she was talking all about her coaching techniques, and going on about people and the things they want.

it made me think, what do I want?

then she said it, the one little ditty that stuck to my brain.

in order to get the thing we want
we need to get rid of the thing that is keeping us from getting it

wow, how simple. really is that it?

so I have been pondering my life and it's impending end. I've made so many awesome changes this year thus far. I've been true to me and have broken through some tough challenges. I've made amends to the most important people on my list (well, not my sister yet, but hopefully I'll get there soon). I'm making positive changes, classes, facilitator training, school and yoga practice. my son and I couldn't be tighter. I'm living life to the fullest, and being mindful.

so what's missing? oh come on, you can guess.

the thing I'd really like to have in my life is a partner. I'm dying alone, and this makes me sad.

so what is the thing that is keeping me from finding romantic companionship?

I've created a wall around myself out of fear. ok, not just the psychological wall, but an actual wall. I stepped on a scale about a month ago, and let me tell you, I had no idea I'd gotten so heavy. how did this happen? it's emotional. it's my barrier between me and them. it's protection I've created, so that I can keep from getting hurt.

that wall comes down, and it's coming down now.

I'm back on my workout, gym, running, yoga regime. this is not a joke... it's on. starting that day, I realized what's keeping me from what I want is 'the wall'. now I'm going to do something women never do.... I'm going to divulge my personal goal out loud here online... I'm going to lose 41 lbs by June 14th, my 41st birthday and the date of my death.

so, when you see me at my funeral, I'll be 125 lbs, a size 8. seems crazy? yeah, I know, but I'm going for it.

huff huff huff.... here I go. I'm getting rid of the 'thing' that is keeping me from what I deserve.