Unfulfilled Love

tonight, I spent the night strolling the boardwalk by the beach, with a few tears in my eyes. as I count down the final week of my life, there is one thing I didn't get to have....

I didn't find Love before I Die.

ok... it was a wish, not something I could really control, but there it is.

if I were really to die next week, I'd be emphatically sad that I didn't have the chance to find Love again.

there are no soul mates, I don't believe in fairy tales like that. if there was a "The One" then I'd have blown through quite a few "The Ones" already and thus, used up my soul mate allowance for a lifetime.

true love is more like a brilliant mathamatical biological puzzle to me;

timing+chemistry=Love

Love is Elusive, that Chemistry feels unique each time, because there are so few men out there uniquely compatible to me.

let's face it, I'm really really weird, different, not traditionally 'pretty', really smart like Mensa smart and a tinge of wackdoodle crazy. there aren't a lot of chicks out there like me, and typically I'm not what most guys visually look for. I'm an unusual flavor, difficult to categorize and match up. I refuse to play the rules, pretend to be dim witted, lay down as a submissive helpless female and dumb myself down to attract a mate. if men only knew how calculating most women are in affairs of the heart. I'm genuinely terrible at that game.

two years ago, I met someone who really got it about me, someone that had that chemistry and spark, that passion and intellectual and spiritual curiosity. the connection was undeniable.... and, I blew it. and here I am, on the verge of imminent death, and of all the regrets I could be grappling with, the one thing I am most sad about on this windy summer evening on the beach... how I messed up, how I blew it two years ago and how badly I want to make amends before I die. I will tell you that I have tried, on more than a few occasions to reach out and apologize for the way I sabotaged this chance at the real thing. as he said to me, "this just doesn't happen every day."

and I blew it.

since then, before then, and up to now, I haven't met anyone who plays at my heart strings quite like this man did.

two years later, on my virtual deathbed, and I long for the man who got away, and feel incredibly sad that Love eluded me after all this time.

the Buddha taught us that it is our attachments that cause us suffering and that everything is impermanent. so how do I cope with my biological urge to want to be coupled with a partner. is this an attachment I need to let go of? do I need to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life in order to evade suffering the attachment so someone else might cause me? there's a loophole here. we are meant to be coupled, it is our animal nature to crave coupling. so by going against this, would I be more spiritual?

I could become a monastic, separate myself from real life and remove the temptation of falling in Love. but that isn't being true to myself. I am a woman, in the real world and I want to be open to the feelings of wanting to be coupled. it seems so natural, biological, something we all want.

they can write a million dating books for women, telling women to be bitches, withhold sex, pretend not to care, etc... but the reality is...

We Have NO Control over LOVE and how it comes or when. if one has to manipulate a mate, then it just isn't Love in my opinion. so my dying want is a wish, not something I can control. it is not my fault that I am not in love right now or partnered. it is just the way it is for me now.

there is nothing I could have done differently this year that would have brought me love sooner. LOVE is something that comes to you in its time, unfortunately, it didn't come in My Time.

sigh.