earlier this week, I found out that Stephen Levine passed away. it seemed appropriate to write a blog in my Year to Live blog at this time to honor him, as I ponder all that I gleaned from his teachings.
sigh.
when was the last time I thought about my Year to Live practice?
do I still apply those lessons and ideas to my life?
when was the last time I meditated?
what happened to squeezing every second out of a moment and relishing joy in the adventure?
answers:
a while. not really? ages ago. it got eaten up by expectations and disappointment and heartbreak.
it feels like it has been so long since I died. I have forgotten what it is like to live as though I am dying.
the touching thing I gleaned from my year to live was my last regret. it was, that I was alone and afraid of falling in love. the fear of falling for someone had seized my heart. I had put up a wall after my divorce, and grew very scared of the pain and anguish that accompanies heart break. heartbreak is always inevitable when love arrives. it is around the corner, waiting like a child playing tricks ready to yell "BOO" loudly to surprise you and blindside you.
when I was on my deathbed on the my last day of life, I lamented the fact that I was dying alone with only the comfort of True Blood premiering later that night. it was heart breaking to realize that my fear was keeping me from the one thing I wanted, a loving partner. as terrified as I was, I wanted to be in love again.
it took kissing a handful of frogs, and a lot of work. I began to date again a few years later in a way that was open hearted. experiencing regular rejection, I continued to rely on the hope that my guy was out there in the world and when I was ready he would appear. and he did. he was a friend, and then I fell in love with him.
was it easy to trust? to fall in love? to be open and leap without abandon? oh hell no. for the first month I held back and scrutinized. I looked at every second wondering where the shoe would drop and my heart would get squashed. I anticipated what would ruin it before it barely began. sadly, there were things I was right about but what I didn't factor in was my own fear.
I spent the past two years learning to shed fear and learned to trust. I gave in to being soft, feminine and vulnerable. it was freeing.
in the early days, just after a month or so, I went on my first silent retreat. I spent the nine days practicing opening, letting the goop and layers of stuff 'protecting' my heart melt way. I imagined the non-existent armor that supposedly kept me from emotional heartache falling away, and allowed myself to be open to what can be. I became possibility, and let go of fear.
the result, I fell in love. madly, openly and without conditions. it was an ongoing practice learning to trust, to stay open and know that he would be there each time. in the beginning, he tried to understand, to be supportive and help me grow out of this pain of my past that permeated every fiber of my existence. he assured me that he would always be there. when I was truly frightened, he quelled those fears with his soothing voice and open heart.
but my practice exhausted him. he got weary of the process. he found my insecurity annoying. he looked at me differently. he stopped touching me. as I opened myself and committed to all the love and joy that could be, he walked away. my fear ultimately sabotaged a great deal of possibility and his magical view of me wore off when he saw me for what I really am. freakishly damaged and loaded with too much luggage.
what is the point of this? oh, the end and the beginning. the death and rebirth. the fear and the love.
well, my deathbed wish was granted. I did fall in love again. I had the kind of love I dreamed of, a partner who found my brilliance exciting, my creativity interesting, my farts cute, my dark humor hilarious and my eyes intoxicating. he saw the special thing that makes me amazing, and gravitated to it. looking past my funny face and average looks, he saw the beautiful goddess within me and worshiped her. I had all of that. he loved me and my son as a package. he was always ready to say 'yes' to the adventure, and would run away to wherever I wanted. he even took me to some places unknown in this world. the more I knew him, the more handsome and delightful he looked in my eyes. this was it, the chance at a life with someone who complemented me so well. I was there, I was in it. love had arrived.
but he fell out of love with me. I am too intense. I am too odd. I needed too much affirmation, and wanted validation he wasn't interested in creating. not for me anyway.
my big heart and tremendousness pushed him away.
and he was gone.
point! get to it already.
so yeah... that Year to Live thing. the fear of heartbreak? get to it!
I almost felt as though I was gonna die on Xmas Day when he said he wasn't coming and ultimately broke up with me because I felt stood up, hurt and abandoned. I realized he was done with me. my breaking heart was too much. he made a very undedicated attempt to give me a chance but there was nothing left, he felt closure and completeness, he had nothing to give me. his priority wasn't me anymore. I fell off the pedestal into a swamp and he saw the monster I am instead of the goddess.
alone.
in the universe's odd way, I am getting what I need to heal. I booked a retreat at IMS for Jan 9 - 14 months ago. the dharma was calling. my practice was arising. it was time to get back on the cushion. during the retreat, I thought about my year to live practice. my dharma Year to Live sangha sister Barbara came to mind. the other silent retreats I'd taken at IMS had all happened while I was with him. one at the beginning of our relationship. one in the middle. this one was arriving at the end. the dharma's lessons carrying me through. my right view continues to be re-righted.
heartbreak is inevitable post being dumped. it's awful and wrenching and confusing. he thinks I don't listen, but it is quite the opposite. I listen to him with intent and mindfulness. it all sticks to every groove of my brain, seeping in for me to chew on and analyze. picking apart each syllable he has ever said to me, I hear him clearly. he is not in love with me anymore. he blames me. he has given up. he resents me, and does not understand or nurture my character defects anymore. he has thrown in the towel. he has let go.
for me, letting go takes much more practice and requires an intention I have to cultivate because I am not motivated to let go. but it is time. we learn from lesson one, it is our attachments that cause us the most suffering. my attachment is bringing me great pain now. I let go.
the good news in all of it is, my fears about heartbreak and my expectation of the pain of it has not come to fruition. everything is impermanent. I feel the charge, the anguish and the pain very deeply. it is ok. I can be with it and care for it and give it space to move. in the deepest core of my understanding, it is impermanent. it will pass. it will morph. it will never leave me fully. my heart is porous and has absorbed quite a terrible blow. microscopic remnants of this emotion will loiter, linger and stick in there forever. I'm not pushing it away. there's no bleach to pour on it. I can sit with it.
what I feared was not being able to live beyond the pain. I was wrong. I am strong and I can live with it, surpass it and give it room to breathe and move. suffering is always a part of life. the more I cling the more it hurts because I'm clutching onto an impermanent essence that cannot be hoarded.
I did it Year to Live. I fell in love, and found what I thought was going to be my person. I loved furiously and hard. I loved with compassion, openness and a big full heart. the heartbreak of the end is all part of it. perhaps my life lesson is to learn to live with heartbreak over and over until I stop fearing it. instead of regretting being alone I should embrace the loves I've manifested.
for a few moments in my life, I had the comfort of a loyal partner who said he loved me forever.
forever is impermanent.
dying alone is still my biggest fear. at least I now know I can handle and live with the pain, and know I can still cultivate joy if I want to.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Monday, January 18, 2016
If You Knew by Ellen Bass
What if you knew you’d be the last
to touch someone?
If you were taking tickets, for example,
at the theater, tearing them,
giving back the ragged stubs,
you might take care to touch that palm,
brush your fingertips
along the life line’s crease.
When a man pulls his wheeled suitcase
too slowly through the airport, when
the car in front of me doesn’t signal,
when the clerk at the pharmacy
won’t say Thank you, I don’t remember
they’re going to die.
A friend told me she’d been with her aunt.
They’d just had lunch and the waiter,
a young gay man with plum black eyes,
joked as he served the coffee, kissed
her aunt’s powdered cheek when they left.
Then they walked half a block and her aunt
dropped dead on the sidewalk.
How close does the dragon’s spume
have to come? How wide does the crack
in heaven have to split?
What would people look like
if we could see them as they are,
soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?
Friday, November 9, 2012
boobie bump
the letter arrived in the wake of Sandy. it was a nondescript envelope, white with a window addressed to me. it looked like it could be an innocuous bill, or an update on privacy stuff from the phone company. it was part of a big stack of mail I hadn't gotten to... bills, voting promos, bills, flyers, and some magazines. I was tearing through the pile, toss, toss, toss, toss, when I got to this envelope. I tore it open with the same desire to get through it as the rest of the stack of mail.
but this letter was not like the others. it was addressed to me. it was three pages long. it had the hospital insignia on top. it was about my mammogram.
it opened with that dear Ms. Mastel thing.. the date of the mammogram and ... something about finding something and needing to follow up... the rest was a blur. I read that first paragraph repeatedly. my left boob! something in there!
my breath grew heavy, the tears swelled uncontrollably, I stared and stared. the shock was overwhelming, I was seizing where I sat.
picking up the phone, I kept trying to call the doctor but my fingers were slippery from the tears and I couldn't make out the right number on the phone without fumbling. the anxiety and adrenaline were mounting, and panic drove me forward to getting the number right for my small town local doctor to ask, "what the fuck do I do?"
and so it began, the dialog about what the course of action would be. I followed his instructions and made the next appointment to see the specialist. and then... I sat there. of course, my mind pulled a knee jerk reaction and began to play out the worst case scenario tape ... me dead, Zman alone, life... ended. the pain, the suffering, the treatments that were torture that didn't work. my own personal Lifetime chick TV movie unfolding before my very own delusion.
let go, let go... I remembered I have the ability to release that tape and get present. I allowed myself to really feel what I was feeling, the fear, the anxiety, the unknowing and the sadness. I used my other senses to see the trees out the window, feel the seat underneath me, feel the sensations under my skin and hear the sounds from inside me to the sounds outside my window. I practiced mindfulness. I sat with what is. and in that moment, I was sitting with agony.
during this .. my electronic feed kept pumping, IM was blowing up with some random guy feeling rejected by the world and asking for advice on how to fit in, emails asking if I can do this or do that, fervent election updates and discussions, and notifications I've been poked. yes, life kept going, and would keep going with or without this happening.
and so... I keep relaying back to the memories of the Year to Live practice I once experienced. the important lessons I took away from it, and how I promised myself that I would stick to being ever present and loving. where did all that go? it seems that some of it became a habit, and some of it got lost.
on my proverbial deathbed, I had one regret that I hadn't fallen in love again. I promised myself I would let myself be open and vulnerable when the next right guy arrived. and one guy did... after that year, I met someone, I fell in love ... and when he broke my heart... I gave up on everything .. especially me.
it has been a crazy bunch of months of gradual dismissal of my self care. I became a workaholic again in a toxic situation that didn't support me. I stopped going to the gym and tossed my yoga practice. the story I told myself is that I don't deserve the dharma, and stopped sitting. I mean, I just gave up.
so hear I am... two years after I was reincarnated facing the very same scenario I put myself in on June 14th, 2009. what if you had only a year to live? (note: of course NO ONE is talking about this at this time. drs. have not concluded that it's more than a bump on a film) I've been taking inventory over the past two days about what I've given up over the past two years since I "died". it's pretty apparent that I've given up on me. this needs to be the wake up call to bring me back to that awesome place I was in on my 42nd birthday ... right before ... my heart broke and took me with it.
my friend Paul did the Year to Live practice right before me, in fact, he was a big inspiration for me to want to follow suit. I remember we were on retreat, and he said, "I wish I had more time in buddhist practice before I took this on, I wasn't ready." interesting observation, but here I am, facing this boob thing, and well, I'm not ready. I don't think we get to be ready for the last year of our life. isn't that part of the practice? having it come when we're not ready?
I spend months getting "ready" to kick off my Year to Live, I read, I planned, I made a blog... all "ready" to do this! today, it's not about being ready, it is about having no choice.
with a sense of urgency, I have invited ongoing the mindfulness practice back into my life now, because I have no choice. my intake of food, the way I treat myself, the need to be vigilant about working out, yoga, meditation and self care are more vital than ever. not because I'm possibly "sick" but because I deserve it. I'm going to break out the juicer, go for long walks, take moments throughout the day to do something un-work related and spend more time engaging with the people who truly matter.
I've decided, that maybe, with or without a bad diagnosis, it's time to do a do-over on the Year to Live. why? because the universe is telling me I have to, because the quality of my life depends on it. ready or not... I wake up tomorrow and start again.
but this letter was not like the others. it was addressed to me. it was three pages long. it had the hospital insignia on top. it was about my mammogram.
it opened with that dear Ms. Mastel thing.. the date of the mammogram and ... something about finding something and needing to follow up... the rest was a blur. I read that first paragraph repeatedly. my left boob! something in there!
my breath grew heavy, the tears swelled uncontrollably, I stared and stared. the shock was overwhelming, I was seizing where I sat.
picking up the phone, I kept trying to call the doctor but my fingers were slippery from the tears and I couldn't make out the right number on the phone without fumbling. the anxiety and adrenaline were mounting, and panic drove me forward to getting the number right for my small town local doctor to ask, "what the fuck do I do?"
and so it began, the dialog about what the course of action would be. I followed his instructions and made the next appointment to see the specialist. and then... I sat there. of course, my mind pulled a knee jerk reaction and began to play out the worst case scenario tape ... me dead, Zman alone, life... ended. the pain, the suffering, the treatments that were torture that didn't work. my own personal Lifetime chick TV movie unfolding before my very own delusion.
let go, let go... I remembered I have the ability to release that tape and get present. I allowed myself to really feel what I was feeling, the fear, the anxiety, the unknowing and the sadness. I used my other senses to see the trees out the window, feel the seat underneath me, feel the sensations under my skin and hear the sounds from inside me to the sounds outside my window. I practiced mindfulness. I sat with what is. and in that moment, I was sitting with agony.
during this .. my electronic feed kept pumping, IM was blowing up with some random guy feeling rejected by the world and asking for advice on how to fit in, emails asking if I can do this or do that, fervent election updates and discussions, and notifications I've been poked. yes, life kept going, and would keep going with or without this happening.
and so... I keep relaying back to the memories of the Year to Live practice I once experienced. the important lessons I took away from it, and how I promised myself that I would stick to being ever present and loving. where did all that go? it seems that some of it became a habit, and some of it got lost.
on my proverbial deathbed, I had one regret that I hadn't fallen in love again. I promised myself I would let myself be open and vulnerable when the next right guy arrived. and one guy did... after that year, I met someone, I fell in love ... and when he broke my heart... I gave up on everything .. especially me.
it has been a crazy bunch of months of gradual dismissal of my self care. I became a workaholic again in a toxic situation that didn't support me. I stopped going to the gym and tossed my yoga practice. the story I told myself is that I don't deserve the dharma, and stopped sitting. I mean, I just gave up.
so hear I am... two years after I was reincarnated facing the very same scenario I put myself in on June 14th, 2009. what if you had only a year to live? (note: of course NO ONE is talking about this at this time. drs. have not concluded that it's more than a bump on a film) I've been taking inventory over the past two days about what I've given up over the past two years since I "died". it's pretty apparent that I've given up on me. this needs to be the wake up call to bring me back to that awesome place I was in on my 42nd birthday ... right before ... my heart broke and took me with it.
my friend Paul did the Year to Live practice right before me, in fact, he was a big inspiration for me to want to follow suit. I remember we were on retreat, and he said, "I wish I had more time in buddhist practice before I took this on, I wasn't ready." interesting observation, but here I am, facing this boob thing, and well, I'm not ready. I don't think we get to be ready for the last year of our life. isn't that part of the practice? having it come when we're not ready?
I spend months getting "ready" to kick off my Year to Live, I read, I planned, I made a blog... all "ready" to do this! today, it's not about being ready, it is about having no choice.
with a sense of urgency, I have invited ongoing the mindfulness practice back into my life now, because I have no choice. my intake of food, the way I treat myself, the need to be vigilant about working out, yoga, meditation and self care are more vital than ever. not because I'm possibly "sick" but because I deserve it. I'm going to break out the juicer, go for long walks, take moments throughout the day to do something un-work related and spend more time engaging with the people who truly matter.
I've decided, that maybe, with or without a bad diagnosis, it's time to do a do-over on the Year to Live. why? because the universe is telling me I have to, because the quality of my life depends on it. ready or not... I wake up tomorrow and start again.
Friday, January 6, 2012
reincarnated livelihood becomes right livelihood
when I embarked on my year to live practice back in June of 2009, I was employed by an abusive employer in a toxic work environment. during those days, while I was exploring how I wanted to 'end' my life... I knew that this was something I very much wanted to change. getting up in the morning and leaving the house to go to work for that wretchedly domineering boss created such a high level of anxiety for me. living in fear, I was afraid to quit, because I never thought I'd find another job or means to a career ever again. despite the incredibly poor working conditions, the abuse, the control and the overall lack of respect my employer had for me, I remained accountable and continued to work that thankless job with all the excellence I could muster. it doesn't take very much for me to reflect on that time, I relive the painful anxiety I felt daily. fear was driving my decisions, and for me, I couldn't see a way out.
a few months after I started my year to live practice... and over a year in that position.... I had promoted an awesome event for the 3rd time, doubled the numbers from the year before, brought in thousands more dollars and heaps of press for the company. it was an unbelievable success!!! as I walked into work that next morning, I expected applause and a raise. instead, I was called into my boss' office and terminated!!! continuing to feed my fear, as he illegally threatened me... I agreed to his terms and with integrity and diplomacy, I finalized my working arrangement with class and grace.
as I walked out the door, no one knowing I had been fired, I felt a certain sense of pride in my accountability and ability to be so professional despite the circumstances. I remember getting in my car and driving out of the parking lot that morning... and as I drove down the main drag, out of Rhinebeck, and over the Kingston/Rhinecliff Bridge, I made a promise to myself.... never again will I let myself erode like that in a work environment again. I swore on that day that I would spend the rest of my life broke before going through something like that again.
I went back to school. my freelance work was slow but steady enough to cover my expenses. I cut back on my spending to mere needs like food and utilities. like a good little buddhist, I let go of material needs and replaced them with a feeling of peace I hadn't felt in some time (if ever). despite my financial state, the fear of economic insecurity left me... and I relished that I had a chance to break the fetters of abuse to find a new path. letting go of the desperate chase, the fearful dynamic and the need to grab onto something.... I put myself first and embarked on a new way to support myself. I let work come to me.
what, work come to me? yes.... without fighting for it... I've learned to attract work and treat my right livelihood as a priority.
fast forward.... to today. I had an awesome day. my career seems to be attached to positive opportunity... and the energy and excitement around it is inspiring. I'm surrounded by interesting projects, new opportunities to learn new things, clients who encourage me, people who say thank you and a feeling of encouragement I haven't felt in many, many years. my lifestyle choices are nourished by the kinds of work I am doing, and I can see balance ahead in my future. it's not in my present, but the life I dreamed of... that life of being able to support myself and take care of myself by working with people who want to take care of me... it is coming to fruition.
this process that is unfolding is directly related to the experiences I had during my year to live practice. I'm so incredibly grateful today... yes, gratitude for my livelihood, not only because I have work but because I'm surrounded by positive projects and people who chose to encourage, educate and inspire me.
since my death, I've had days where I wondered what I died for. right now, it's pretty clear that I died to feel like 'this', enthusiastic about my career path and all the people who are in it.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
What the fuck did I die for? (reprise)
Since my death over a year ago, I have often asked myself the same question, "What the fuck did I die for?" After I was reborn, dead then awakened or whatever, I came to the conclusion that I had transformed and that life could be different.
I've been seeking, reaching and willfully making every effort to manifest big change. Let me tell you ... there has been a giant multi-round sumo wrestling match between my desire and my life. Guess which one isn't winning?
This past Thursday, the forward momentum of this whirlwind journey of change came to a screeching halt. Driving three hours back from NYC in crazy traffic back to the little cabin, I was pleasantly surprised when a familiar feeling returned that I hadn't experienced in some time. It was.........
surrender.
I just ... let it go... every emotion I could have drummed up, the self-judgment, the anger... all the things I know how to bring to the manifested pity party... but there was no pity party. There was no room for any of the hindrances that were going to pull me away from the most balanced moment I had experienced in months.
surrender.
I've surrendered over the past few years and have felt a sense of grace, this was a bit similar but different. There was a pleasing sort of void that accompanied my wave of the white flag. Instead of an outside demon, I was waving this flag at myself.
By the time I got home, it was dark. My child was beyond elated to see me, running into my arms and jumping on me as though he hadn't seen me in months. We walked into our house together, I made him some late night dinner, afterwords we snuggled up and I let him fall asleep in my arms in my bed as though he were still my little baby boy. We laid there in my bed, him in my arms breathing that heavy sleep sound. I was so happy to be home in my bed with my kid.
"What the fuck did I die for?"
Oh yeah, I died to appreciate 'THIS'. What this? This thing, this life, this moment, this breath, this place, that I'm here that I have this life that I'm in now. Since last week, I've been mindful again, I started meditating again, I took myself to a spa for a day, bought a juicer and started juicing, went to my son's school open house, going for long walks in the morning, packing my son's lunch, going through my son's homework, reading, taking moment by moment.
If you've been following along, I truly believed that I lost my religion. My sense of spiritual self seemed to vanish the past few months. Of course, this transition and cross-roads is just another reminder that feeling of losing my sense of self is just part of my path. This is all part of my journey and there are lessons to take.
Most importantly, I go back to the answer to "What the fuck did I die for?" and I can say... I died so I can live.
I forgot how much I appreciate the life I've created here at the magical lil cabin in the woods. My world is filled with beautiful landscape, a wonderful home, the most awesome kid and people around me who really like me. I've made a place for myself right here. There's no need to run, because why would I want to run from the life I have? I guess I thought the classic green grass would make me more fulfilled and happy. Instead that green grass wasn't very green at all.
I don't regret letting go of my 'feeling' of dying and being reborn. I anticipate seeking other fences to jump throughout my lifetime. In my deepest struggles and hardest suffering comes the best lessons. I've been reminded of two things;
1) Acceptance is the answer.
2) I have much to be grateful for.
This missive may read like a gratitude list, but frankly, I've been so confused about what the point of my Year to Live practice was, I'm glad to find a moment of clarity to ride on. My life is really awesome, not perfect, not wealthy, not this not that.... but everything I have is really worth relishing. Almost losing it made it clear how precious it really is.
I've been seeking, reaching and willfully making every effort to manifest big change. Let me tell you ... there has been a giant multi-round sumo wrestling match between my desire and my life. Guess which one isn't winning?
This past Thursday, the forward momentum of this whirlwind journey of change came to a screeching halt. Driving three hours back from NYC in crazy traffic back to the little cabin, I was pleasantly surprised when a familiar feeling returned that I hadn't experienced in some time. It was.........
surrender.
I just ... let it go... every emotion I could have drummed up, the self-judgment, the anger... all the things I know how to bring to the manifested pity party... but there was no pity party. There was no room for any of the hindrances that were going to pull me away from the most balanced moment I had experienced in months.
surrender.
I've surrendered over the past few years and have felt a sense of grace, this was a bit similar but different. There was a pleasing sort of void that accompanied my wave of the white flag. Instead of an outside demon, I was waving this flag at myself.
By the time I got home, it was dark. My child was beyond elated to see me, running into my arms and jumping on me as though he hadn't seen me in months. We walked into our house together, I made him some late night dinner, afterwords we snuggled up and I let him fall asleep in my arms in my bed as though he were still my little baby boy. We laid there in my bed, him in my arms breathing that heavy sleep sound. I was so happy to be home in my bed with my kid.
"What the fuck did I die for?"
Oh yeah, I died to appreciate 'THIS'. What this? This thing, this life, this moment, this breath, this place, that I'm here that I have this life that I'm in now. Since last week, I've been mindful again, I started meditating again, I took myself to a spa for a day, bought a juicer and started juicing, went to my son's school open house, going for long walks in the morning, packing my son's lunch, going through my son's homework, reading, taking moment by moment.
If you've been following along, I truly believed that I lost my religion. My sense of spiritual self seemed to vanish the past few months. Of course, this transition and cross-roads is just another reminder that feeling of losing my sense of self is just part of my path. This is all part of my journey and there are lessons to take.
Most importantly, I go back to the answer to "What the fuck did I die for?" and I can say... I died so I can live.
I forgot how much I appreciate the life I've created here at the magical lil cabin in the woods. My world is filled with beautiful landscape, a wonderful home, the most awesome kid and people around me who really like me. I've made a place for myself right here. There's no need to run, because why would I want to run from the life I have? I guess I thought the classic green grass would make me more fulfilled and happy. Instead that green grass wasn't very green at all.
I don't regret letting go of my 'feeling' of dying and being reborn. I anticipate seeking other fences to jump throughout my lifetime. In my deepest struggles and hardest suffering comes the best lessons. I've been reminded of two things;
1) Acceptance is the answer.
2) I have much to be grateful for.
This missive may read like a gratitude list, but frankly, I've been so confused about what the point of my Year to Live practice was, I'm glad to find a moment of clarity to ride on. My life is really awesome, not perfect, not wealthy, not this not that.... but everything I have is really worth relishing. Almost losing it made it clear how precious it really is.
Friday, December 31, 2010
fill in the blank
so I've been spending a few days, staring at this page trying to craft a brilliant solution based end of year missive about life after death. frankly, I'm pulling a blank.
my friend Dan Barton sent me this Thomas Mann quote, "A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."
perhaps this is what drives me, the challenges. when life is about coasting, and there isn't much work to be done, it can be rather boring.
it is the struggle, the challenge, the suffering, the pain, the difficulties that present lessons and make life a far more interesting ride. I'm certainly not inviting struggle, in fact, I have great disdain for complications. but here I am, struggling.... my financial situation is a drag, I'm unemployed for the first time in my life for months and months and teetering on how I'm going to make it to next week.
ok, here come the groovy people, telling me to make a gratitude list. here's some gratitude, I'm grateful to be breathing air, right now, air, grateful air is going in and out of my lungs.
2010 was a wretched struggle. from beginning to end, I've peeled layers of the onion that revealed fear, pain and opened myself to the things I'd rather run from, mainly love.
yet, maybe there is much more to be grateful for.
tonight I gather with friends and facilitate a gathering where we come together to invite in the precepts, let go of what doesn't serve us, and set intentions for 2011. I feel a little bit like an imposter in my own skin, because I'm not sure I can stand up with my peers and say, I'm practicing these principals in all my affairs. maybe that's my intention... something simple like... bringing it back to the practice. getting back to basics, and putting mindfulness back into my daily life, letting go of expectations and outcomes and most importantly, continuing to walk through my fear and be ready for the true love that stands a few feet in front of me. it is very close. possibility is back in my heart. I am ready.
hmmm... maybe I do have a solution, maybe my torment was that I didn't want to just admit... I'm a human being like everyone else and it is ok to have to go back to the beginning and start fresh with what is next. perhaps I didn't die for nothing... it looks like my life on this side is still very different than where I was on June 14th 2009.... maybe there is gratitude beyond my breath, like my repaired relationship with my family and most importantly the close bond I have with my son. that I can be friends with my ex-husband and that he came to me and made his own amends. that I know that people LOVE me, people whom I value and care for greatly and respect and admire. most importantly, as corny as it might be... my heart is inside out today, the scar tissue turned inside and the vulnerable, raw bits are out there.... possibility has returned to me... I FEEL my heart beating inside my chest again... after all this time, and that is without a doubt something to be very, very grateful for.
so, 2010 might have been a sucky year, but it was full of milestones and a couple of kidney stones... all of which have passed.... just as tough times usually do.
so ... cheers! to whatever is next.... I stand up, spiritual warrior... ready to face life ahead, regardless of what date it is.
my friend Dan Barton sent me this Thomas Mann quote, "A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."
perhaps this is what drives me, the challenges. when life is about coasting, and there isn't much work to be done, it can be rather boring.
it is the struggle, the challenge, the suffering, the pain, the difficulties that present lessons and make life a far more interesting ride. I'm certainly not inviting struggle, in fact, I have great disdain for complications. but here I am, struggling.... my financial situation is a drag, I'm unemployed for the first time in my life for months and months and teetering on how I'm going to make it to next week.
ok, here come the groovy people, telling me to make a gratitude list. here's some gratitude, I'm grateful to be breathing air, right now, air, grateful air is going in and out of my lungs.
2010 was a wretched struggle. from beginning to end, I've peeled layers of the onion that revealed fear, pain and opened myself to the things I'd rather run from, mainly love.
yet, maybe there is much more to be grateful for.
tonight I gather with friends and facilitate a gathering where we come together to invite in the precepts, let go of what doesn't serve us, and set intentions for 2011. I feel a little bit like an imposter in my own skin, because I'm not sure I can stand up with my peers and say, I'm practicing these principals in all my affairs. maybe that's my intention... something simple like... bringing it back to the practice. getting back to basics, and putting mindfulness back into my daily life, letting go of expectations and outcomes and most importantly, continuing to walk through my fear and be ready for the true love that stands a few feet in front of me. it is very close. possibility is back in my heart. I am ready.
hmmm... maybe I do have a solution, maybe my torment was that I didn't want to just admit... I'm a human being like everyone else and it is ok to have to go back to the beginning and start fresh with what is next. perhaps I didn't die for nothing... it looks like my life on this side is still very different than where I was on June 14th 2009.... maybe there is gratitude beyond my breath, like my repaired relationship with my family and most importantly the close bond I have with my son. that I can be friends with my ex-husband and that he came to me and made his own amends. that I know that people LOVE me, people whom I value and care for greatly and respect and admire. most importantly, as corny as it might be... my heart is inside out today, the scar tissue turned inside and the vulnerable, raw bits are out there.... possibility has returned to me... I FEEL my heart beating inside my chest again... after all this time, and that is without a doubt something to be very, very grateful for.
so, 2010 might have been a sucky year, but it was full of milestones and a couple of kidney stones... all of which have passed.... just as tough times usually do.
so ... cheers! to whatever is next.... I stand up, spiritual warrior... ready to face life ahead, regardless of what date it is.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
2010 the year I died, and then what
lying on my deathbed watching the True Blood premier on June 13th,
I examined my year, my life.... and had but one regret....
I began my year with an adventure abroad.
When I came home, my life was still there...
so I made, changes, upped my practice, meditated more, and slowly chipped away at the toxicity of my life... and cleared out the things that messed with my serenity.
There was unfinished business and goals I might have held out on, had I not been dying.
I went back to school, I started and completed my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training, worked hard on my relationship with my son, made amends to my ex-husband and family... and made great strides and accomplishments. My life ended successfully.
but there was...
one regret....
so here I am, six months later, lingering on ... my one regret..... it is the thing I want most, and the thing that I have no control over.
on my deathbed, I practiced acceptance and decided that my life was not about what I don't have, but about what I do have. I agreed with myself, that I would let go and be ok with life as it is. life on life's terms. my karma would dictate my path.
as I let go... the floodgates opened... and the boy-attention began... without doing anything at all, they have come into my life, one by one, a parade of false starts. what is the redeeming quality of each of these potential suitors... I did nothing to seek them out or make them happen. they manifested on their own, no online dating or manipulative event planning. these guys, one by one, have come into my life organically. this should sound great, but actually, it kind of sucks. while I appreciate all the men that have and are flitting around me... I sense that these opportunities have been around me my entire life... I've just been too much of a control freak and life manipulator to notice them before.
regardless, it is irrelevant. my one regret still remains.
a lot of things in my life sorta suck right now. I'm not working, this semester kicked my ass, I got sick a lot this past fall, I'm gloomy a lot more than happy, I feel my suffering more deeply in my sobriety than ever before... life just feels hard right now. all these things, seem so inconsequential to the one thing that matters most.... Love. it comes in many forms, and I am lucky, I've manifested a lot of Love in my life. my friends and family and son love me greatly. even my sick twisted dysfunctional family Loves me. but there's that hole in my chest, no matter how hard I Love myself... it is that lesson I learned in death... nothing is more important... nothing caused me more pain... that I didn't find that one true great love before I died.
it's not like I'm dead, I'm here. I exist.
as the New Year approaches and people are thinking about their resolutions, I'm putting my energy on Intentions for 2011. the only thing I can come up with;
I set an intention to break through my fears about love....
I examined my year, my life.... and had but one regret....
I began my year with an adventure abroad.
When I came home, my life was still there...
so I made, changes, upped my practice, meditated more, and slowly chipped away at the toxicity of my life... and cleared out the things that messed with my serenity.
There was unfinished business and goals I might have held out on, had I not been dying.
I went back to school, I started and completed my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training, worked hard on my relationship with my son, made amends to my ex-husband and family... and made great strides and accomplishments. My life ended successfully.
but there was...
one regret....
so here I am, six months later, lingering on ... my one regret..... it is the thing I want most, and the thing that I have no control over.
on my deathbed, I practiced acceptance and decided that my life was not about what I don't have, but about what I do have. I agreed with myself, that I would let go and be ok with life as it is. life on life's terms. my karma would dictate my path.
as I let go... the floodgates opened... and the boy-attention began... without doing anything at all, they have come into my life, one by one, a parade of false starts. what is the redeeming quality of each of these potential suitors... I did nothing to seek them out or make them happen. they manifested on their own, no online dating or manipulative event planning. these guys, one by one, have come into my life organically. this should sound great, but actually, it kind of sucks. while I appreciate all the men that have and are flitting around me... I sense that these opportunities have been around me my entire life... I've just been too much of a control freak and life manipulator to notice them before.
regardless, it is irrelevant. my one regret still remains.
a lot of things in my life sorta suck right now. I'm not working, this semester kicked my ass, I got sick a lot this past fall, I'm gloomy a lot more than happy, I feel my suffering more deeply in my sobriety than ever before... life just feels hard right now. all these things, seem so inconsequential to the one thing that matters most.... Love. it comes in many forms, and I am lucky, I've manifested a lot of Love in my life. my friends and family and son love me greatly. even my sick twisted dysfunctional family Loves me. but there's that hole in my chest, no matter how hard I Love myself... it is that lesson I learned in death... nothing is more important... nothing caused me more pain... that I didn't find that one true great love before I died.
it's not like I'm dead, I'm here. I exist.
as the New Year approaches and people are thinking about their resolutions, I'm putting my energy on Intentions for 2011. the only thing I can come up with;
I set an intention to break through my fears about love....
Sunday, September 5, 2010
what did I die for anyway?
life after death isn't really all it's cracked up to be.
after putting so much effort to make the most out of my life, I found myself creeping right back into the old patterns I thought I had left behind. it was unreasonable and unfair to myself to assume that I was transformed to such an extent that everything would be ultimately different. its not.
Life hasn't changed!
ok, maybe I'm being a bit of a drama queen here, but I did find myself going back into some old patterns that I worked so hard to get out of the Year I died.
before I died, I was working for a micro-managing abusive boss in a toxic work environment that was going to kill me if I didn't kill myself first. I swore, I'd never allow myself to work in a toxic workplace again.
maybe that is the point, that all workplaces are toxic to some degree, but I think it is something else. it is a kind of person that I work for, the micro manager that slowly abuses me and verbally harms me with words that are difficult to pull myself out from under.
if you hadn't heard, I lost a job I was pretty psyched about last week. I jumped right in and worked very hard from the starting gate. by day three, my new boss was telling me, "I don't know if this is going to work," and I heard her say this over and over and over.
by the time we got to six weeks, my fear in approaching her or talking to her about anything related to my performance was evolving, and I could feel that painful twang and fear I had felt before at 'the restaurant'. it was amazing, how could two totally different people have the same motivational tactic that caused me so much strife?
school started last week, and it was understood I'd be returning on August 30th. after putting off some very serious administrative issues I had no choice but to put me first and go deal with the paperwork. while running around like a chicken with its head cut off, literally, I was asking myself, what the fuck did I die for?
what's more important? and I realized, while crying my eyes out trying to fix my account with student accounts, how badly I wanted to be back in school and the big priority completing my education is to ME.
I didn't die to beg another stupid boss to treat me like a human being and allow me to a good job and notice me. I died to live my life in a way that was fruitful, and productive. There was a commitment I made to myself when I died, and one of those gifts was my education and finishing my degree at Bard.
I made other commitments. I finish my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training next weekend! there's my commitment to practice and the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group. to be healthy, eat better, be more compassionate, be in service, do more yoga, work out at the gym, spend time with my son, be a great mom.
this summer after my death, I did 'Me' half assed because I was in fear. I tip toed around Me because I was scrambling and afraid that I couldn't support my son and I. in reality, I missed out on a lot of the promises and plans I made to myself, my kiddo, and my community.
In my mind, I keep hearing myself say, "what the fuck did I die for?"
I've been wanting to respond to the question on this blog, but up until this morning at 8am on a holiday sunday, it hit me... I DIED FOR ME and it is time to get back to that commitment and honor it.
last night, the topic of the unmentionable meeting was about putting 'sobriety' first. I challenge that idea and say that it is really more about putting 'ME' first. if you're a working mom like me, you know that ain't easy. it takes immense practice to put 'ME' ahead of other things.
when I got let go from my beloved new job via voicemail, where I was called unprofessional, by voicemail (WTF!) not only was I sad, angry, hurt, betrayed and dismayed....... (NOTE: Clearly I'm writing this with a lot of resentments still and I'm aware that there are many lessons here for me) I was also RELIEVED! sounds crazy right? I was let go of having to please someone else who was setting me up to fail as a form of motivation. I could stop running on a hamster wheel, and get back to the life I died for.
after our annual three week summer break, I get my Zman back today. I offered to get him a day early so we could 'hang' out and spend some time together before he starts school on Tuesday. I'm putting this down on proverbial paper, to say, I want to insure that I'm honoring my commitment to be present and honor my little kiddo.
so let's review the gifts of death I was so happy about only three months ago;
my motherhood, which is a miracle
my spiritual practice, meditation, yoga
my body, working out, eating more compassionately
my spiritual training, completing my Facilitator Training
my education, back in school
my family, I still need to make amends to my sister
maybe I need to create a 'Grateful to be Dead' list and keep it handy, so I can continue to remind myself what I reincarnated back to this life for. hmmmm...... that sounds like a good idea!
it feels as though I died years ago. it was really easy to get away from the importance of my death and the lessons that came with it. the transitions of the past week were substantial, and I'm very thankful for the wake up call to get back into my life and honor the things that are true to ME.
after putting so much effort to make the most out of my life, I found myself creeping right back into the old patterns I thought I had left behind. it was unreasonable and unfair to myself to assume that I was transformed to such an extent that everything would be ultimately different. its not.
Life hasn't changed!
ok, maybe I'm being a bit of a drama queen here, but I did find myself going back into some old patterns that I worked so hard to get out of the Year I died.
before I died, I was working for a micro-managing abusive boss in a toxic work environment that was going to kill me if I didn't kill myself first. I swore, I'd never allow myself to work in a toxic workplace again.
maybe that is the point, that all workplaces are toxic to some degree, but I think it is something else. it is a kind of person that I work for, the micro manager that slowly abuses me and verbally harms me with words that are difficult to pull myself out from under.
if you hadn't heard, I lost a job I was pretty psyched about last week. I jumped right in and worked very hard from the starting gate. by day three, my new boss was telling me, "I don't know if this is going to work," and I heard her say this over and over and over.
by the time we got to six weeks, my fear in approaching her or talking to her about anything related to my performance was evolving, and I could feel that painful twang and fear I had felt before at 'the restaurant'. it was amazing, how could two totally different people have the same motivational tactic that caused me so much strife?
school started last week, and it was understood I'd be returning on August 30th. after putting off some very serious administrative issues I had no choice but to put me first and go deal with the paperwork. while running around like a chicken with its head cut off, literally, I was asking myself, what the fuck did I die for?
what's more important? and I realized, while crying my eyes out trying to fix my account with student accounts, how badly I wanted to be back in school and the big priority completing my education is to ME.
I didn't die to beg another stupid boss to treat me like a human being and allow me to a good job and notice me. I died to live my life in a way that was fruitful, and productive. There was a commitment I made to myself when I died, and one of those gifts was my education and finishing my degree at Bard.
I made other commitments. I finish my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training next weekend! there's my commitment to practice and the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group. to be healthy, eat better, be more compassionate, be in service, do more yoga, work out at the gym, spend time with my son, be a great mom.
this summer after my death, I did 'Me' half assed because I was in fear. I tip toed around Me because I was scrambling and afraid that I couldn't support my son and I. in reality, I missed out on a lot of the promises and plans I made to myself, my kiddo, and my community.
In my mind, I keep hearing myself say, "what the fuck did I die for?"
I've been wanting to respond to the question on this blog, but up until this morning at 8am on a holiday sunday, it hit me... I DIED FOR ME and it is time to get back to that commitment and honor it.
last night, the topic of the unmentionable meeting was about putting 'sobriety' first. I challenge that idea and say that it is really more about putting 'ME' first. if you're a working mom like me, you know that ain't easy. it takes immense practice to put 'ME' ahead of other things.
when I got let go from my beloved new job via voicemail, where I was called unprofessional, by voicemail (WTF!) not only was I sad, angry, hurt, betrayed and dismayed....... (NOTE: Clearly I'm writing this with a lot of resentments still and I'm aware that there are many lessons here for me) I was also RELIEVED! sounds crazy right? I was let go of having to please someone else who was setting me up to fail as a form of motivation. I could stop running on a hamster wheel, and get back to the life I died for.
after our annual three week summer break, I get my Zman back today. I offered to get him a day early so we could 'hang' out and spend some time together before he starts school on Tuesday. I'm putting this down on proverbial paper, to say, I want to insure that I'm honoring my commitment to be present and honor my little kiddo.
so let's review the gifts of death I was so happy about only three months ago;
my motherhood, which is a miracle
my spiritual practice, meditation, yoga
my body, working out, eating more compassionately
my spiritual training, completing my Facilitator Training
my education, back in school
my family, I still need to make amends to my sister
maybe I need to create a 'Grateful to be Dead' list and keep it handy, so I can continue to remind myself what I reincarnated back to this life for. hmmmm...... that sounds like a good idea!
it feels as though I died years ago. it was really easy to get away from the importance of my death and the lessons that came with it. the transitions of the past week were substantial, and I'm very thankful for the wake up call to get back into my life and honor the things that are true to ME.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Last Will... living or otherwise
My name is Elissa Jane Mastel, I'm a divorced woman, and this is my last will.
I have a child, Zoren Mastel born 2002 that I want to provide for.
Anything I have in regards to finances or property will automatically transfer to Zoren. My life insurance policy, mutual funds, savings, etc... All go to the Zman. There is a college fund set up in his name as well.
I name my mother Doris Hillman and my ex-husband Randall Mastel as co-executors of my estate. Robert S. Hillman is named as the alternate executor of my estate.
I award legal guardianship of my son to Randall Mastel & Doris Hillman, and name my sister Rachel Hillman as the alternate.
Rachel Hillman is the trustee for the child trust created by this Will.
Burial Instructions
I wish to be cremated. I want to be cremated and thrown into the ocean from a high cliff. You can put a bench there for people to sit on in my name. There should be music, and I want you to play "Lucky" by Radiohead as you spread my ashes into the ocean. It can be any beach or sea, I just want to make sure I end up back from where man came from... the water.
I want the service to be performed by my family, no religious person or denomination shall be present. I'd like there to be a 10 minute silent meditation after I'm put in the ocean, just quiet.
that's it....
I have a child, Zoren Mastel born 2002 that I want to provide for.
Anything I have in regards to finances or property will automatically transfer to Zoren. My life insurance policy, mutual funds, savings, etc... All go to the Zman. There is a college fund set up in his name as well.
I name my mother Doris Hillman and my ex-husband Randall Mastel as co-executors of my estate. Robert S. Hillman is named as the alternate executor of my estate.
I award legal guardianship of my son to Randall Mastel & Doris Hillman, and name my sister Rachel Hillman as the alternate.
Rachel Hillman is the trustee for the child trust created by this Will.
Burial Instructions
I wish to be cremated. I want to be cremated and thrown into the ocean from a high cliff. You can put a bench there for people to sit on in my name. There should be music, and I want you to play "Lucky" by Radiohead as you spread my ashes into the ocean. It can be any beach or sea, I just want to make sure I end up back from where man came from... the water.
I want the service to be performed by my family, no religious person or denomination shall be present. I'd like there to be a 10 minute silent meditation after I'm put in the ocean, just quiet.
that's it....
Z says....
tonight, Zman came home from his Dad's, and we had a wonderful almost last night together. I cooked dinner, and we watched the latest Star Trek movie.
we cuddled on the couch, took a break to see the fireflies glittering up the hazy rainy night, stayed up late, and I let him curl up and fall asleep on me as though he were still my little baby. he insisted on sleeping in my bed, as this could be the last night he gets to snuggle me. I obliged.
as we curled up, and snuggled up in my bed, he made the following observations, which I feel sum up my Year to Live Practice very well;
I'm filled with GRATITUDE that this experience was so inclusive of him, and that he and I morphed together during this journey.
he promised, next time if I'm really dying, he'll snuggle me every night, even if he's all grown up.
if I didn't have this year on the line, I might not have had the wake up call about changing the way I parent. it brings me so much joy that my son has a mindful and present mom. I love being Z's mom, and I'm so glad I didn't let another second go by where I took that for granted.
we cuddled on the couch, took a break to see the fireflies glittering up the hazy rainy night, stayed up late, and I let him curl up and fall asleep on me as though he were still my little baby. he insisted on sleeping in my bed, as this could be the last night he gets to snuggle me. I obliged.
as we curled up, and snuggled up in my bed, he made the following observations, which I feel sum up my Year to Live Practice very well;
- The year went very fast, I remember everything. All the details. It seems like you just started yesterday.
- You're different because you don't just sit on the couch and do nothing, you're a good mommy and you play with me now.
- I like that you try all these new things, like the snowboarding, going to the gym and surfing and that you got me to learn those things with you too.
- You used to be so angry all the time, like mean and angry and now you're not.
- The mornings are cool because you don't yell so much anymore.
- I like that you do stuff with me, like play games and hang out like a real mommy.
- And the most important part is that you seem really happy a lot, and that's really cool.
- I'm glad you're not really dying, but if you were it would go so fast. I'm glad we played this game, because it was scary but good at the same time.
- I Love You Mamma.
I'm filled with GRATITUDE that this experience was so inclusive of him, and that he and I morphed together during this journey.
he promised, next time if I'm really dying, he'll snuggle me every night, even if he's all grown up.
if I didn't have this year on the line, I might not have had the wake up call about changing the way I parent. it brings me so much joy that my son has a mindful and present mom. I love being Z's mom, and I'm so glad I didn't let another second go by where I took that for granted.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Unfulfilled Love
tonight, I spent the night strolling the boardwalk by the beach, with a few tears in my eyes. as I count down the final week of my life, there is one thing I didn't get to have....
I didn't find Love before I Die.
ok... it was a wish, not something I could really control, but there it is.
if I were really to die next week, I'd be emphatically sad that I didn't have the chance to find Love again.
there are no soul mates, I don't believe in fairy tales like that. if there was a "The One" then I'd have blown through quite a few "The Ones" already and thus, used up my soul mate allowance for a lifetime.
true love is more like a brilliant mathamatical biological puzzle to me;
timing+chemistry=Love
Love is Elusive, that Chemistry feels unique each time, because there are so few men out there uniquely compatible to me.
let's face it, I'm really really weird, different, not traditionally 'pretty', really smart like Mensa smart and a tinge of wackdoodle crazy. there aren't a lot of chicks out there like me, and typically I'm not what most guys visually look for. I'm an unusual flavor, difficult to categorize and match up. I refuse to play the rules, pretend to be dim witted, lay down as a submissive helpless female and dumb myself down to attract a mate. if men only knew how calculating most women are in affairs of the heart. I'm genuinely terrible at that game.
two years ago, I met someone who really got it about me, someone that had that chemistry and spark, that passion and intellectual and spiritual curiosity. the connection was undeniable.... and, I blew it. and here I am, on the verge of imminent death, and of all the regrets I could be grappling with, the one thing I am most sad about on this windy summer evening on the beach... how I messed up, how I blew it two years ago and how badly I want to make amends before I die. I will tell you that I have tried, on more than a few occasions to reach out and apologize for the way I sabotaged this chance at the real thing. as he said to me, "this just doesn't happen every day."
and I blew it.
since then, before then, and up to now, I haven't met anyone who plays at my heart strings quite like this man did.
two years later, on my virtual deathbed, and I long for the man who got away, and feel incredibly sad that Love eluded me after all this time.
the Buddha taught us that it is our attachments that cause us suffering and that everything is impermanent. so how do I cope with my biological urge to want to be coupled with a partner. is this an attachment I need to let go of? do I need to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life in order to evade suffering the attachment so someone else might cause me? there's a loophole here. we are meant to be coupled, it is our animal nature to crave coupling. so by going against this, would I be more spiritual?
I could become a monastic, separate myself from real life and remove the temptation of falling in Love. but that isn't being true to myself. I am a woman, in the real world and I want to be open to the feelings of wanting to be coupled. it seems so natural, biological, something we all want.
they can write a million dating books for women, telling women to be bitches, withhold sex, pretend not to care, etc... but the reality is...
We Have NO Control over LOVE and how it comes or when. if one has to manipulate a mate, then it just isn't Love in my opinion. so my dying want is a wish, not something I can control. it is not my fault that I am not in love right now or partnered. it is just the way it is for me now.
there is nothing I could have done differently this year that would have brought me love sooner. LOVE is something that comes to you in its time, unfortunately, it didn't come in My Time.
sigh.
I didn't find Love before I Die.
ok... it was a wish, not something I could really control, but there it is.
if I were really to die next week, I'd be emphatically sad that I didn't have the chance to find Love again.
there are no soul mates, I don't believe in fairy tales like that. if there was a "The One" then I'd have blown through quite a few "The Ones" already and thus, used up my soul mate allowance for a lifetime.
true love is more like a brilliant mathamatical biological puzzle to me;
timing+chemistry=Love
Love is Elusive, that Chemistry feels unique each time, because there are so few men out there uniquely compatible to me.
let's face it, I'm really really weird, different, not traditionally 'pretty', really smart like Mensa smart and a tinge of wackdoodle crazy. there aren't a lot of chicks out there like me, and typically I'm not what most guys visually look for. I'm an unusual flavor, difficult to categorize and match up. I refuse to play the rules, pretend to be dim witted, lay down as a submissive helpless female and dumb myself down to attract a mate. if men only knew how calculating most women are in affairs of the heart. I'm genuinely terrible at that game.
two years ago, I met someone who really got it about me, someone that had that chemistry and spark, that passion and intellectual and spiritual curiosity. the connection was undeniable.... and, I blew it. and here I am, on the verge of imminent death, and of all the regrets I could be grappling with, the one thing I am most sad about on this windy summer evening on the beach... how I messed up, how I blew it two years ago and how badly I want to make amends before I die. I will tell you that I have tried, on more than a few occasions to reach out and apologize for the way I sabotaged this chance at the real thing. as he said to me, "this just doesn't happen every day."
and I blew it.
since then, before then, and up to now, I haven't met anyone who plays at my heart strings quite like this man did.
two years later, on my virtual deathbed, and I long for the man who got away, and feel incredibly sad that Love eluded me after all this time.
the Buddha taught us that it is our attachments that cause us suffering and that everything is impermanent. so how do I cope with my biological urge to want to be coupled with a partner. is this an attachment I need to let go of? do I need to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life in order to evade suffering the attachment so someone else might cause me? there's a loophole here. we are meant to be coupled, it is our animal nature to crave coupling. so by going against this, would I be more spiritual?
I could become a monastic, separate myself from real life and remove the temptation of falling in Love. but that isn't being true to myself. I am a woman, in the real world and I want to be open to the feelings of wanting to be coupled. it seems so natural, biological, something we all want.
they can write a million dating books for women, telling women to be bitches, withhold sex, pretend not to care, etc... but the reality is...
We Have NO Control over LOVE and how it comes or when. if one has to manipulate a mate, then it just isn't Love in my opinion. so my dying want is a wish, not something I can control. it is not my fault that I am not in love right now or partnered. it is just the way it is for me now.
there is nothing I could have done differently this year that would have brought me love sooner. LOVE is something that comes to you in its time, unfortunately, it didn't come in My Time.
sigh.
Friday, June 4, 2010
home stretch
I've tried to write this entry about 5 times in the past couple of days. Without using any references, I would easily believe that nothing has really changed over the past year. That I didn't do enough, step up my spiritual practice enough, mediate enough or really refer to the course as it was laid out in the book correctly.
Without a lot of effort, I can easily muster up self-judgment that I didn't do this last year 'right'.
But how do you die correctly? Is there a right and wrong as to how I was supposed to do this?
In reality, if I look back to a year ago and compare it to today, there is NO QUESTION that I have definitely made some life altering changes this year, and that the motivation was the Year to Live Practice.
Last night, I gave myself one of my few remaining dying wishes, and saw Michael Franti Live one more time with my good friends. A year ago, we had all gone to see anther concert... same group... different Me. As I stood among the masses of people, sometimes in the company of one, or alone, or with the entire group, I realized how different I was from last year to now. I've found ease, and gentleness in my social circle. I can be effervescent and say nothing at the same time. I can just be, and I have found comfort in my skin as never before.
The darkness and loneliness I have wallowed in for so many years has lifted. I have unloaded toxic behaviors beyond my drinking and drugging.
The feeling of attachment and the "need" for an elusive something has slipped away.
I have found serenity, and connection to not just my friends but to people. My metta practice has grown, I am able to offer compassion, understanding, joy and light to others. It's not some bullshit hippie thing, but something that has emerged for me and brings me peace.
I've broken through layers of fear that have prevented me from connecting to the present moment. Mindfulness comes a little more naturally. Last night, it was as though I was fully there, in my body, without the effort my less trained mind has had to put forth in the past.
Dancing in the crowd... getting closer and closer to the stage... feeling the music, each song, each beat... letting go of everything but the present moment, I was able to really really enjoy the night. More and more, I'm cognoscente of when I'm mindful and have a little more ease being in a state of mindfulness.
So, how much time is left? a little over a week.
Yeah, there are some things I'd hoped to experience this year that didn't happen. I didn't fall in love. I didn't fully transform my career path. My house is still messy. I didn't lose the weight entirely (but I've decided the 41 by 41 can be during the year I am 41, see softening and gentleness for me).
Those things are minor in comparison to what I have accomplished.... a year at Bard on full scholarship, almost done with DP Facilitator Training, a year of being in service offering meditation, an improved relationship with my son, I made the big amends to my parents and ex-husband, taking care of myself and focusing on me, and yeah, I didn't really fall 'in love' but, I have definitely learned to Love Me. That seems so much more important in the grand scheme.
With a week to go, there are a few details to attend to; the will and my funeral plans.
Without a lot of effort, I can easily muster up self-judgment that I didn't do this last year 'right'.
But how do you die correctly? Is there a right and wrong as to how I was supposed to do this?
In reality, if I look back to a year ago and compare it to today, there is NO QUESTION that I have definitely made some life altering changes this year, and that the motivation was the Year to Live Practice.
Last night, I gave myself one of my few remaining dying wishes, and saw Michael Franti Live one more time with my good friends. A year ago, we had all gone to see anther concert... same group... different Me. As I stood among the masses of people, sometimes in the company of one, or alone, or with the entire group, I realized how different I was from last year to now. I've found ease, and gentleness in my social circle. I can be effervescent and say nothing at the same time. I can just be, and I have found comfort in my skin as never before.
The darkness and loneliness I have wallowed in for so many years has lifted. I have unloaded toxic behaviors beyond my drinking and drugging.
The feeling of attachment and the "need" for an elusive something has slipped away.
I have found serenity, and connection to not just my friends but to people. My metta practice has grown, I am able to offer compassion, understanding, joy and light to others. It's not some bullshit hippie thing, but something that has emerged for me and brings me peace.
I've broken through layers of fear that have prevented me from connecting to the present moment. Mindfulness comes a little more naturally. Last night, it was as though I was fully there, in my body, without the effort my less trained mind has had to put forth in the past.
Dancing in the crowd... getting closer and closer to the stage... feeling the music, each song, each beat... letting go of everything but the present moment, I was able to really really enjoy the night. More and more, I'm cognoscente of when I'm mindful and have a little more ease being in a state of mindfulness.
So, how much time is left? a little over a week.
Yeah, there are some things I'd hoped to experience this year that didn't happen. I didn't fall in love. I didn't fully transform my career path. My house is still messy. I didn't lose the weight entirely (but I've decided the 41 by 41 can be during the year I am 41, see softening and gentleness for me).
Those things are minor in comparison to what I have accomplished.... a year at Bard on full scholarship, almost done with DP Facilitator Training, a year of being in service offering meditation, an improved relationship with my son, I made the big amends to my parents and ex-husband, taking care of myself and focusing on me, and yeah, I didn't really fall 'in love' but, I have definitely learned to Love Me. That seems so much more important in the grand scheme.
With a week to go, there are a few details to attend to; the will and my funeral plans.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
41 by 41
58 days left to live.
that's not much time.
I'm really feeling the pressure to 'get it done'. get what done? get through the final laundry list of things I want to accomplish before my funeral.
about a week ago, I was noshing at a small restaurant in Woodstock. in such close quarters, I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the various conversations around me. there was a woman at a nearby table going on about her new age woo woo workshop for women. she was talking all about her coaching techniques, and going on about people and the things they want.
it made me think, what do I want?
then she said it, the one little ditty that stuck to my brain.
in order to get the thing we want
we need to get rid of the thing that is keeping us from getting it
wow, how simple. really is that it?
so I have been pondering my life and it's impending end. I've made so many awesome changes this year thus far. I've been true to me and have broken through some tough challenges. I've made amends to the most important people on my list (well, not my sister yet, but hopefully I'll get there soon). I'm making positive changes, classes, facilitator training, school and yoga practice. my son and I couldn't be tighter. I'm living life to the fullest, and being mindful.
so what's missing? oh come on, you can guess.
the thing I'd really like to have in my life is a partner. I'm dying alone, and this makes me sad.
so what is the thing that is keeping me from finding romantic companionship?
I've created a wall around myself out of fear. ok, not just the psychological wall, but an actual wall. I stepped on a scale about a month ago, and let me tell you, I had no idea I'd gotten so heavy. how did this happen? it's emotional. it's my barrier between me and them. it's protection I've created, so that I can keep from getting hurt.
that wall comes down, and it's coming down now.
I'm back on my workout, gym, running, yoga regime. this is not a joke... it's on. starting that day, I realized what's keeping me from what I want is 'the wall'. now I'm going to do something women never do.... I'm going to divulge my personal goal out loud here online... I'm going to lose 41 lbs by June 14th, my 41st birthday and the date of my death.
so, when you see me at my funeral, I'll be 125 lbs, a size 8. seems crazy? yeah, I know, but I'm going for it.
huff huff huff.... here I go. I'm getting rid of the 'thing' that is keeping me from what I deserve.
that's not much time.
I'm really feeling the pressure to 'get it done'. get what done? get through the final laundry list of things I want to accomplish before my funeral.
about a week ago, I was noshing at a small restaurant in Woodstock. in such close quarters, I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the various conversations around me. there was a woman at a nearby table going on about her new age woo woo workshop for women. she was talking all about her coaching techniques, and going on about people and the things they want.
it made me think, what do I want?
then she said it, the one little ditty that stuck to my brain.
in order to get the thing we want
we need to get rid of the thing that is keeping us from getting it
wow, how simple. really is that it?
so I have been pondering my life and it's impending end. I've made so many awesome changes this year thus far. I've been true to me and have broken through some tough challenges. I've made amends to the most important people on my list (well, not my sister yet, but hopefully I'll get there soon). I'm making positive changes, classes, facilitator training, school and yoga practice. my son and I couldn't be tighter. I'm living life to the fullest, and being mindful.
so what's missing? oh come on, you can guess.
the thing I'd really like to have in my life is a partner. I'm dying alone, and this makes me sad.
so what is the thing that is keeping me from finding romantic companionship?
I've created a wall around myself out of fear. ok, not just the psychological wall, but an actual wall. I stepped on a scale about a month ago, and let me tell you, I had no idea I'd gotten so heavy. how did this happen? it's emotional. it's my barrier between me and them. it's protection I've created, so that I can keep from getting hurt.
that wall comes down, and it's coming down now.
I'm back on my workout, gym, running, yoga regime. this is not a joke... it's on. starting that day, I realized what's keeping me from what I want is 'the wall'. now I'm going to do something women never do.... I'm going to divulge my personal goal out loud here online... I'm going to lose 41 lbs by June 14th, my 41st birthday and the date of my death.
so, when you see me at my funeral, I'll be 125 lbs, a size 8. seems crazy? yeah, I know, but I'm going for it.
huff huff huff.... here I go. I'm getting rid of the 'thing' that is keeping me from what I deserve.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
passover the small talk will ya?
part of the process
in my Year to Live Practice
is to make amends to those I have harmed before I die.
with my death looming, I've kicked up my step work in an effort to get to the part where I start making amends to those I've harmed.
some of the amends have been met with hugs, and smile
and I've walked away feeling a sense of inner peace,
but there were two amends on my list I was afraid I'd never finish in time; my ex-husband and my parents.
you see, I could make amends to thousands of people, I've done a lot of damage and I know there is no way I will be able to get to everyone I've harmed.
it took me years to see, that I genuinely hurt my ex-husband and broke his heart. I didn't leave him with dignity. I broke his heart in an effort to insure I'd truly be ending my marriage.
how would I make an amends to this man?
I chose to grant him an uncontested divorce, and give him closure as my active amends.
by divorcing my now ex-husband, and walking through it with dignity
no fighting
no court
no battle
just surrender
I offered an amends, I gave him closure
I recognized that I hurt him and broke his heart
I stopped hating him and hanging onto resentments
I have forgiven him, over and over
but I needed to find a place
to forgive myself.
signing the papers was scary, but in the end, I did it for him and gave him the peace
he was begging me for. does it change anything? for me no, for him yes.
but there was a bigger hurdle to leap over
I knew I wanted to make amends to my parents before I 'die'.
last night, unplanned, far from prepared, it happened.
at Passover dinner, my father said something that totally triggered me and my abandonment issues. it was as though I was fired with a shot that changed the moment so quickly.
I wasn't ready.
I had nothing thought out, no mental script to draw from.
In a panic, the pain of the feeling of being less than his other children emerged.
I felt like I felt the day I begged him to be my dad again in the Lowes Hotel so many years ago, I felt unheard, misunderstood, and unaccepted.
one reaction, to something so matter a fact, changed everything.
but this time, the family dynamic was altered.
the universe answered my unanswered prayers.
my mother insisted I stay, and for the first time in 40 years,
my mother, my father and I talked, really talked.
we had the talk, I never thought we'd have.
we came to an understanding, not the kind you see in the movies, but something real.
and.... I came clean, and answered to my part. I took responsibility and told them how I genuinely wanted to make amends.
you would think so many different outcomes might have concluded the long emotional talk, but the ending was the true surprise.
when I asked my parents, what my action amends could be, to make up for my past mistakes, my mother responded with, "I want you to take care of yourself, your health and to be happy." there was more, but this was the gist.
and there it was, the finale to my most important amends, the one I was afraid of. I can take my parents off my 9th step list.
I walked out of the building, exhausted, when 'god's voicemail' went off through the mouth of the doorman. a man I barely ever talk to, the guy who opens the door to my mother's building stopped me on the way out, and said, "I've watched your son grow, he's amazing, you have a beautiful son, every time I see him he makes me smile, he's such an amazing kid, God Bless You." and then he hugged me. this was really surreal!
in the end, if nothing else, if all my life I've made horrible choices, I've done one thing right. I made an incredible kid, and my legacy will live on in his heart and spirit.
this morning, I awoke with a painful emotional hangover. but life goes on, school was waiting. I got up, got dressed, got my work done ... and at the end of the day, I gave myself a mini-staycation retreat, and took a yoga class followed by a guided meditation. as I promised, I did something nice for me, and took care of my heart and my soul.
clock is ticking, only a few short months left... time to make a final list of the things I want to accomplish before my Funeral.
in my Year to Live Practice
is to make amends to those I have harmed before I die.
with my death looming, I've kicked up my step work in an effort to get to the part where I start making amends to those I've harmed.
some of the amends have been met with hugs, and smile
and I've walked away feeling a sense of inner peace,
but there were two amends on my list I was afraid I'd never finish in time; my ex-husband and my parents.
you see, I could make amends to thousands of people, I've done a lot of damage and I know there is no way I will be able to get to everyone I've harmed.
it took me years to see, that I genuinely hurt my ex-husband and broke his heart. I didn't leave him with dignity. I broke his heart in an effort to insure I'd truly be ending my marriage.
how would I make an amends to this man?
I chose to grant him an uncontested divorce, and give him closure as my active amends.
by divorcing my now ex-husband, and walking through it with dignity
no fighting
no court
no battle
just surrender
I offered an amends, I gave him closure
I recognized that I hurt him and broke his heart
I stopped hating him and hanging onto resentments
I have forgiven him, over and over
but I needed to find a place
to forgive myself.
signing the papers was scary, but in the end, I did it for him and gave him the peace
he was begging me for. does it change anything? for me no, for him yes.
but there was a bigger hurdle to leap over
I knew I wanted to make amends to my parents before I 'die'.
last night, unplanned, far from prepared, it happened.
at Passover dinner, my father said something that totally triggered me and my abandonment issues. it was as though I was fired with a shot that changed the moment so quickly.
I wasn't ready.
I had nothing thought out, no mental script to draw from.
In a panic, the pain of the feeling of being less than his other children emerged.
I felt like I felt the day I begged him to be my dad again in the Lowes Hotel so many years ago, I felt unheard, misunderstood, and unaccepted.
one reaction, to something so matter a fact, changed everything.
but this time, the family dynamic was altered.
the universe answered my unanswered prayers.
my mother insisted I stay, and for the first time in 40 years,
my mother, my father and I talked, really talked.
we had the talk, I never thought we'd have.
we came to an understanding, not the kind you see in the movies, but something real.
and.... I came clean, and answered to my part. I took responsibility and told them how I genuinely wanted to make amends.
you would think so many different outcomes might have concluded the long emotional talk, but the ending was the true surprise.
when I asked my parents, what my action amends could be, to make up for my past mistakes, my mother responded with, "I want you to take care of yourself, your health and to be happy." there was more, but this was the gist.
and there it was, the finale to my most important amends, the one I was afraid of. I can take my parents off my 9th step list.
I walked out of the building, exhausted, when 'god's voicemail' went off through the mouth of the doorman. a man I barely ever talk to, the guy who opens the door to my mother's building stopped me on the way out, and said, "I've watched your son grow, he's amazing, you have a beautiful son, every time I see him he makes me smile, he's such an amazing kid, God Bless You." and then he hugged me. this was really surreal!
in the end, if nothing else, if all my life I've made horrible choices, I've done one thing right. I made an incredible kid, and my legacy will live on in his heart and spirit.
this morning, I awoke with a painful emotional hangover. but life goes on, school was waiting. I got up, got dressed, got my work done ... and at the end of the day, I gave myself a mini-staycation retreat, and took a yoga class followed by a guided meditation. as I promised, I did something nice for me, and took care of my heart and my soul.
clock is ticking, only a few short months left... time to make a final list of the things I want to accomplish before my Funeral.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
got skillz?
skillful
unskillful
I've used these two words in a sentence more time in the past week, than ever before. but what do they even mean?
on New Year's Eve, I set the intention to practice Right Speech.
now ... I'm investigating and coming to terms with what this really means. beyond my gossip and sarcasm, there is something more important to review. not just right, but also skillful speech. to understand how I use words, language, expression, my writing to communicate and to be more aware of how my communication effects others.
last night, we talked about responsibility. I questioned, have I been truly responsible with my speech? did I use my speech skillfully?
it goes beyond right intentions but actually putting forth skillful action and well realized words.
I've begun a new task for the next thirty days, I am holding myself accountable to my word. in the mornings, I state my intentions for the day, meditate, shower, get dressed and live the day by doing what I've set the intention to do. my life to-do lists are very simple; daily tasks, homework, chores, meditation, yoga and reading. nothing that involves expectations, just making sure I'm doing my life and the footwork to complete tasks that need to get done in the midst of my life in motion.
so back to this skillful thing.
what does it mean to be a skillful practitioner.....
this is something new for me to learn. it's not something I can answer right now or today.
my point of view isn't right, it is skewed by my ego. I have lived a lifetime of thinking I know what is best for me and for everyone else, but all of my being 'right' has been totally utterly wrong. oh no, what?
yes, my view has been skewed.
back to the drawing board.
my practice takes a new shape a new form.
time to step back, and remove my need to label and opinionize (yeah, I made up a word) things. this is gonna take some work!
I definitely hit a new layer of the onion and whew, man, it really made me cry. damn sting as you cut this thing open!
all my righteous advice, and solution knowing brain is swirling into a bubbling mess that needs to be extricated from my brain. fortunately, there is an answer to this.
to keep sitting with what is.
sit every morning.
sit every day.
take care of my heart, mind and body.
breathe.....
and get clear that the knowing, may truly be knowing nothing at all except what is in this very moment.
unskillful
I've used these two words in a sentence more time in the past week, than ever before. but what do they even mean?
on New Year's Eve, I set the intention to practice Right Speech.
now ... I'm investigating and coming to terms with what this really means. beyond my gossip and sarcasm, there is something more important to review. not just right, but also skillful speech. to understand how I use words, language, expression, my writing to communicate and to be more aware of how my communication effects others.
last night, we talked about responsibility. I questioned, have I been truly responsible with my speech? did I use my speech skillfully?
it goes beyond right intentions but actually putting forth skillful action and well realized words.
I've begun a new task for the next thirty days, I am holding myself accountable to my word. in the mornings, I state my intentions for the day, meditate, shower, get dressed and live the day by doing what I've set the intention to do. my life to-do lists are very simple; daily tasks, homework, chores, meditation, yoga and reading. nothing that involves expectations, just making sure I'm doing my life and the footwork to complete tasks that need to get done in the midst of my life in motion.
so back to this skillful thing.
what does it mean to be a skillful practitioner.....
this is something new for me to learn. it's not something I can answer right now or today.
my point of view isn't right, it is skewed by my ego. I have lived a lifetime of thinking I know what is best for me and for everyone else, but all of my being 'right' has been totally utterly wrong. oh no, what?
yes, my view has been skewed.
back to the drawing board.
my practice takes a new shape a new form.
time to step back, and remove my need to label and opinionize (yeah, I made up a word) things. this is gonna take some work!
I definitely hit a new layer of the onion and whew, man, it really made me cry. damn sting as you cut this thing open!
all my righteous advice, and solution knowing brain is swirling into a bubbling mess that needs to be extricated from my brain. fortunately, there is an answer to this.
to keep sitting with what is.
sit every morning.
sit every day.
take care of my heart, mind and body.
breathe.....
and get clear that the knowing, may truly be knowing nothing at all except what is in this very moment.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
but, I'm POWERLESS
last week
it snowed
our internet went out
our phone shut down
our power turned off
we hudled in the dark
without the comforts we have grown attached to
the snow continued to fall
fall and fall
forcing us
to stay put, and deal with being home without the distractions that make emotional escape possible
no Tetris
no DVDs
no Phone
no iChatting
no Noisemaker
no Screens to tune out in front of
just us, in the darkened hazy stormy daylight barely cracking through the storm
these severe conditions
would have been enough to force us to grab sharp objects
and kill one and other
but ....
we didn't
I thought of my practice
what I wanted
and how I wanted my son to remember these days
stuck at home
with his Mommy
when the frustrations of cabin fever would grow
I looked at him and said, "I don't want to be that yelly mommy, let's come up with a code word. When we say it, we both Have to Laugh!"
"Banana Peels"
and so, it was settled
whenever one of us got testy, we'd say, "Banana Peels" and whether or not I felt like it, I'd laugh out loud
and then we'd giggle
and feel better
we struggled through the week, it wasn't easy
we curled up and slept in the small bed in my son's room and clutched each other for warmth
and there were moments I really thought I'd gone totally nuts
but we were Powerless
literally without Power
we had no choice
so I made the most of it
and loved each moment
and tried not to beat myself up for all the things I wasn't accomplishing
I had a lot of homework for school and my very late homework for Facilitator Training due
it didn't get done
and for that
I'm struggling
did I meditate?
um, NO
not the way I would have liked to
I was so uneasy
overtired
bad diet
bad sleep
cold
uncomfortable
but.... being Powerless did bring my son and I a very powerful bonding experience
and making the moments with my son count
has been a huge part of my practice this year
I made a promise to my son, to be on the computer less
and present for him more
this past week, he got his wish
NO computer
and 100% non-stop Mommy and Me time
it snowed
our internet went out
our phone shut down
our power turned off
we hudled in the dark
without the comforts we have grown attached to
the snow continued to fall
fall and fall
forcing us
to stay put, and deal with being home without the distractions that make emotional escape possible
no Tetris
no DVDs
no Phone
no iChatting
no Noisemaker
no Screens to tune out in front of
just us, in the darkened hazy stormy daylight barely cracking through the storm
these severe conditions
would have been enough to force us to grab sharp objects
and kill one and other
but ....
we didn't
I thought of my practice
what I wanted
and how I wanted my son to remember these days
stuck at home
with his Mommy
when the frustrations of cabin fever would grow
I looked at him and said, "I don't want to be that yelly mommy, let's come up with a code word. When we say it, we both Have to Laugh!"
"Banana Peels"
and so, it was settled
whenever one of us got testy, we'd say, "Banana Peels" and whether or not I felt like it, I'd laugh out loud
and then we'd giggle
and feel better
we struggled through the week, it wasn't easy
we curled up and slept in the small bed in my son's room and clutched each other for warmth
and there were moments I really thought I'd gone totally nuts
but we were Powerless
literally without Power
we had no choice
so I made the most of it
and loved each moment
and tried not to beat myself up for all the things I wasn't accomplishing
I had a lot of homework for school and my very late homework for Facilitator Training due
it didn't get done
and for that
I'm struggling
did I meditate?
um, NO
not the way I would have liked to
I was so uneasy
overtired
bad diet
bad sleep
cold
uncomfortable
but.... being Powerless did bring my son and I a very powerful bonding experience
and making the moments with my son count
has been a huge part of my practice this year
I made a promise to my son, to be on the computer less
and present for him more
this past week, he got his wish
NO computer
and 100% non-stop Mommy and Me time
Saturday, January 16, 2010
2010
with the turning of the clocks
ending the first decade of the millennium
I realize I only have about five months left
in the first six months of this journey, I made so many abrupt changes
and the universe also lent me a hand
I took off to Puerto Rico for my inaugural end of life adventure
my toxic job was terminated
my new life as Bardian Student began
my son's struggles with school got settled
I got my divorce papers
this year, for New Year's Eve
I orchestrated a New Year's Eve Dharma Punx Gathering in the mountains
and rung in the New Year silently in meditation with my sangha, friends new and old
as we opened our eyes, the snow was falling in the light of the blue moon while fireworks exploded in the distance
I had never celebrated the New Year in silence, and never expected the experience to be truly peaceful
part of me felt that I had manifested a magical feeling, but I was willing to go with it and allow it to cycle through me
my son was with my Mom, and it seemed as though he was very far away, and I missed him on New Years. we had such a wonderful holiday time together, but I also needed my time to be still. this just doesn't happen with him in the house.
I've made my amends to my ex-husband as promised. without a struggle, I signed divorce papers, executed, notarized, sent and he filed them today. it is my sincere wish, that by agreeing and not contesting, and giving him the divorce, he will feel the closure he's seeking. I'm pretty surprised how painful it is. despite how much time has past since we split, the actual Divorce part feels to icky and real. it is as though I'm reliving so much of our past together all over again. Zman knocked a box out of the storage loft full of CDs and Photos, in it were pictures of Zman as a baby at his first Xmas/Channukah, Randall & I as newlyweds in New Orleans, pictures of our wedding, my bachelorette party, our first apartment polaroids and photos of my mom and us all together looking happy. it was like staring at a car wreck, I couldn't stop sorting through and looking at each photo. each, catching a snapshot of a moment of my past.... reminding me of what was.
so now what?
I learned these past few months, that if I'm going to die happy, I need to be happy with what I have. the pining for the empty space to be filled in my heart is only causing me more suffering. instead of focusing what I don't have, a life partner, I need to focus on what I do have.....
I have....
a beautiful, smart, loving, talented son
a future at Bard
clients who rely on me
a magical cabin for us to live in
my health (even though I am dying)
friends and community
spiritual practice
just to name a few things to focus on. I spent the fall working on being good at what I have, being a good mom, a decent student, a fun publicist and practiced letting go of the attachment to wanting to be coupled. by allowing myself to let go of the seeking of what I don't have, I cleared my energy to be good at what is in front of me.
right now, in this moment, I'm very proud of the Mom I am. I am confident my son is loved and nurtured and that our relationship is growing stronger because I'm focusing my attention on it. I did ok in school. I'm still working freelance jobs for my favorite client, and I got a new one this winter. I managed to steer clear of toxic relationships and work situations which hurt me rather than enhance me. things are pretty good, we're happy, we have enough.
so now I am wondering, what's left to be done?
I'd like to finish my work on my amends, to right the hurt I've caused. this could be impossible, but there are people that I really need to connect with before it is too late.
tonight, I'm feeling a little lonely, and sad. the divorce process was much more painful than I expected. it is bringing up many emotions from my childhood, feelings of abandonment and failure, and stirring the fear pot.
but I'm strong and triumphant. I know that everything is impermanent. and with death looming .... I have to get my affairs in order. time to get to the real work.
ending the first decade of the millennium
I realize I only have about five months left
in the first six months of this journey, I made so many abrupt changes
and the universe also lent me a hand
I took off to Puerto Rico for my inaugural end of life adventure
my toxic job was terminated
my new life as Bardian Student began
my son's struggles with school got settled
I got my divorce papers
this year, for New Year's Eve
I orchestrated a New Year's Eve Dharma Punx Gathering in the mountains
and rung in the New Year silently in meditation with my sangha, friends new and old
as we opened our eyes, the snow was falling in the light of the blue moon while fireworks exploded in the distance
I had never celebrated the New Year in silence, and never expected the experience to be truly peaceful
part of me felt that I had manifested a magical feeling, but I was willing to go with it and allow it to cycle through me
my son was with my Mom, and it seemed as though he was very far away, and I missed him on New Years. we had such a wonderful holiday time together, but I also needed my time to be still. this just doesn't happen with him in the house.
I've made my amends to my ex-husband as promised. without a struggle, I signed divorce papers, executed, notarized, sent and he filed them today. it is my sincere wish, that by agreeing and not contesting, and giving him the divorce, he will feel the closure he's seeking. I'm pretty surprised how painful it is. despite how much time has past since we split, the actual Divorce part feels to icky and real. it is as though I'm reliving so much of our past together all over again. Zman knocked a box out of the storage loft full of CDs and Photos, in it were pictures of Zman as a baby at his first Xmas/Channukah, Randall & I as newlyweds in New Orleans, pictures of our wedding, my bachelorette party, our first apartment polaroids and photos of my mom and us all together looking happy. it was like staring at a car wreck, I couldn't stop sorting through and looking at each photo. each, catching a snapshot of a moment of my past.... reminding me of what was.
so now what?
I learned these past few months, that if I'm going to die happy, I need to be happy with what I have. the pining for the empty space to be filled in my heart is only causing me more suffering. instead of focusing what I don't have, a life partner, I need to focus on what I do have.....
I have....
a beautiful, smart, loving, talented son
a future at Bard
clients who rely on me
a magical cabin for us to live in
my health (even though I am dying)
friends and community
spiritual practice
just to name a few things to focus on. I spent the fall working on being good at what I have, being a good mom, a decent student, a fun publicist and practiced letting go of the attachment to wanting to be coupled. by allowing myself to let go of the seeking of what I don't have, I cleared my energy to be good at what is in front of me.
right now, in this moment, I'm very proud of the Mom I am. I am confident my son is loved and nurtured and that our relationship is growing stronger because I'm focusing my attention on it. I did ok in school. I'm still working freelance jobs for my favorite client, and I got a new one this winter. I managed to steer clear of toxic relationships and work situations which hurt me rather than enhance me. things are pretty good, we're happy, we have enough.
so now I am wondering, what's left to be done?
I'd like to finish my work on my amends, to right the hurt I've caused. this could be impossible, but there are people that I really need to connect with before it is too late.
tonight, I'm feeling a little lonely, and sad. the divorce process was much more painful than I expected. it is bringing up many emotions from my childhood, feelings of abandonment and failure, and stirring the fear pot.
but I'm strong and triumphant. I know that everything is impermanent. and with death looming .... I have to get my affairs in order. time to get to the real work.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
lifestyle envy
we've all done it.....
had a look at someone else and coveted something they possess in their life. well, maybe a slice of something, material, relationship, attractive looks, wealth, lifestyle, etc....
there are plenty of cliche phrases, such as "grass is always greener" that sort of make you wonder... would life be better on the other side of the fence?
lately, as I explore the end of my life, feeling regretful I'm not doing this practice 'right', wondering if I'm going to die alone, wishing I'd done some things differently, sad there isn't a lover beside me, still consumed with dollops of fear....
My monkey mind crafts a laundry list of "what if";
I was still married
owned my own home
had another kid
got my motorcycle license and a hot bike
stayed single and never got married
didn't have a kid at all
I was living in NYC
still worked in the music biz
wasn't sober
lived in LA
still drove the mercedes as a veg car
lived in Amsterdam
had a personal trainer
didn't let the house go into forclosure
took him back
........ (so many more here)
the empty spaces we perceive in our lives are easily filled with "if only"s
it was pretty surprising when chatting with my trusted psychic about some things that are shifting in my relationships, when she peered into my eyes and said, "she's jealous of you".
of Me??????????
it hadn't occurred to me once that anyone would be jealous of my life.
my life is filled with struggles and suffering.
with loneliness and failures.
and a whole bunch of "what if"s.
so I've had a few days to absorb this statement, "she's jealous of you."
ah..... and how my life looks to others.... perhaps there is somethings to be jealous of.
as easily as I can put forth a list of "what if"s, I can also make a list of "what is".
as the transition of phasing towards the end of the first half of this Year to Live practice, I realize,
I have a life to be grateful for, because I've made TREMENDOUS changes and am taking opportunities a lot of people "what if" about.
I'm living in a cabin on a stream in the woods in the most beautiful place on earth.
I have a gorgeous, smart, brilliant child.
I'm at Bard full time getting my degree and changing my entire career midstream.
I'm writing, a lot.
I've forged friendships, sangha... community. I am surrounded by Love.
and .... plenty of other neat things worth being envious of.
"what if" I die completing a novella, completing a year of school, improving my relationship with my son and leaving him with a knowledge that he is truly loved, share the dharma with many others, and let go of the "what ifs"
over the past week, I've had this image of my hands opening up and literally LETTING GO of the things that cause me suffering. I can visualize myself letting go of the craving to couple, the attachments, the self-judgment and the fear.
in this practice of mentally Letting Go, I find I'm not pondering and clouding my time with worry about the "what ifs" and spending more time on the "what is". I have found myself in a more serene space, free from envy because I'm in the moment.
placing myself in a position to be envious, perpetuates the idea that someone is better than me. this is totally not what I'm doing this for. so now, I have to catch myself, and the need to label and covet.
the grass isn't greener, it's just different.
had a look at someone else and coveted something they possess in their life. well, maybe a slice of something, material, relationship, attractive looks, wealth, lifestyle, etc....
there are plenty of cliche phrases, such as "grass is always greener" that sort of make you wonder... would life be better on the other side of the fence?
lately, as I explore the end of my life, feeling regretful I'm not doing this practice 'right', wondering if I'm going to die alone, wishing I'd done some things differently, sad there isn't a lover beside me, still consumed with dollops of fear....
My monkey mind crafts a laundry list of "what if";
I was still married
owned my own home
had another kid
got my motorcycle license and a hot bike
stayed single and never got married
didn't have a kid at all
I was living in NYC
still worked in the music biz
wasn't sober
lived in LA
still drove the mercedes as a veg car
lived in Amsterdam
had a personal trainer
didn't let the house go into forclosure
took him back
........ (so many more here)
the empty spaces we perceive in our lives are easily filled with "if only"s
it was pretty surprising when chatting with my trusted psychic about some things that are shifting in my relationships, when she peered into my eyes and said, "she's jealous of you".
of Me??????????
it hadn't occurred to me once that anyone would be jealous of my life.
my life is filled with struggles and suffering.
with loneliness and failures.
and a whole bunch of "what if"s.
so I've had a few days to absorb this statement, "she's jealous of you."
ah..... and how my life looks to others.... perhaps there is somethings to be jealous of.
as easily as I can put forth a list of "what if"s, I can also make a list of "what is".
as the transition of phasing towards the end of the first half of this Year to Live practice, I realize,
I have a life to be grateful for, because I've made TREMENDOUS changes and am taking opportunities a lot of people "what if" about.
I'm living in a cabin on a stream in the woods in the most beautiful place on earth.
I have a gorgeous, smart, brilliant child.
I'm at Bard full time getting my degree and changing my entire career midstream.
I'm writing, a lot.
I've forged friendships, sangha... community. I am surrounded by Love.
and .... plenty of other neat things worth being envious of.
"what if" I die completing a novella, completing a year of school, improving my relationship with my son and leaving him with a knowledge that he is truly loved, share the dharma with many others, and let go of the "what ifs"
over the past week, I've had this image of my hands opening up and literally LETTING GO of the things that cause me suffering. I can visualize myself letting go of the craving to couple, the attachments, the self-judgment and the fear.
in this practice of mentally Letting Go, I find I'm not pondering and clouding my time with worry about the "what ifs" and spending more time on the "what is". I have found myself in a more serene space, free from envy because I'm in the moment.
placing myself in a position to be envious, perpetuates the idea that someone is better than me. this is totally not what I'm doing this for. so now, I have to catch myself, and the need to label and covet.
the grass isn't greener, it's just different.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
life's little mile markers
this was posted to the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group email list ---
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
they say, in some circles.... it is about the progress, not perfection.
with certain types of work, it is easy to see progress through quantifiable means. but how on earth do you measure 'success' in spiritual practice?
for me, I need to look back at my past, and pin-point spaces in time to see how I perceived the world and how I reacted in it then, and make comparisons to where I am in this moment.
a little over year ago, green to daily practice, I craved the camaraderie of like minded spiritual seekers. I wanted a group of my own, a sangha!, to share ideas and meditation practice.
I didn't think I was worthy to lead the group by any means, so I went looking for the perfect teacher to guide us.
last September I took my first workshop with Noah Levine, and he told me, "just do it yourself, I know you can." this message was enforced by others such as Pablo Das and Tracey of Elm Street Collective. Not to mention the facilitators around the country who guided me and chatted with me over MySpace and chats.
Thank you Dharma Punxians Nation Wide!
They all instilled a sense of encouragement and quelled my self-judgment by giving me the impetus to ... as Nike says JUST DO IT.
a year ago, a few of us gathered at a little loft in Uptown Kingston, and began what is now known as Dharma Punx Hudson Valley.
flash back a year ago, shaking as I shared a reading with the group, wanting everyone in the group to like me, nervous and filled with self centered fears..... to now...
today, my priorities have greatly shifted. my perception of our group has altered. Dharma Punx Hudson Valley Group is my support network, a place to just be myself and not worry about the other stuff. I've been vulnerable and honest and my practice has catapulted forward greatly because of the generous support I've gotten from everyone who ever attended a meeting.
since starting this group, I've donated my time and energy to sharing the gift of meditation with countless others in rehabs, hospitals, schools and anywhere else they will have me.
I'm studying the foundations of buddhism and training to be a Dharma Punx Facilitator with Noah Levine at the Against the Stream Center in LA
mile markers. looking back a year ago to today.... the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley sangha has morphed, grown, shared, hosted retreats, put forth workshops, helped those in need... especially me.
it has been an HONOR and HUMBLING to be given the gift of facilitating this group.
please, come tomorrow and celebrate our One Year Anniversary. share in the gratitude I feel that our group continues to meet every week. without you guys, my practice wouldn't have progressed to the place it is now, a year older, becoming a sophomore, growing up, altering, changing and shaping things so differently.
big shout outs to EVERYONE who has EVER sat with us, even for just one time.
special request, please bring a reading to share with the group tomorrow. tomorrow's meditation is a special guided forgiveness meditation.
I METTA U Guys so so so so so much, and thank you for being a part of our Sangha!
jai bhagwan!
elissa jane
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
they say, in some circles.... it is about the progress, not perfection.
with certain types of work, it is easy to see progress through quantifiable means. but how on earth do you measure 'success' in spiritual practice?
for me, I need to look back at my past, and pin-point spaces in time to see how I perceived the world and how I reacted in it then, and make comparisons to where I am in this moment.
a little over year ago, green to daily practice, I craved the camaraderie of like minded spiritual seekers. I wanted a group of my own, a sangha!, to share ideas and meditation practice.
I didn't think I was worthy to lead the group by any means, so I went looking for the perfect teacher to guide us.
last September I took my first workshop with Noah Levine, and he told me, "just do it yourself, I know you can." this message was enforced by others such as Pablo Das and Tracey of Elm Street Collective. Not to mention the facilitators around the country who guided me and chatted with me over MySpace and chats.
Thank you Dharma Punxians Nation Wide!
They all instilled a sense of encouragement and quelled my self-judgment by giving me the impetus to ... as Nike says JUST DO IT.
a year ago, a few of us gathered at a little loft in Uptown Kingston, and began what is now known as Dharma Punx Hudson Valley.
flash back a year ago, shaking as I shared a reading with the group, wanting everyone in the group to like me, nervous and filled with self centered fears..... to now...
today, my priorities have greatly shifted. my perception of our group has altered. Dharma Punx Hudson Valley Group is my support network, a place to just be myself and not worry about the other stuff. I've been vulnerable and honest and my practice has catapulted forward greatly because of the generous support I've gotten from everyone who ever attended a meeting.
since starting this group, I've donated my time and energy to sharing the gift of meditation with countless others in rehabs, hospitals, schools and anywhere else they will have me.
I'm studying the foundations of buddhism and training to be a Dharma Punx Facilitator with Noah Levine at the Against the Stream Center in LA
mile markers. looking back a year ago to today.... the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley sangha has morphed, grown, shared, hosted retreats, put forth workshops, helped those in need... especially me.
it has been an HONOR and HUMBLING to be given the gift of facilitating this group.
please, come tomorrow and celebrate our One Year Anniversary. share in the gratitude I feel that our group continues to meet every week. without you guys, my practice wouldn't have progressed to the place it is now, a year older, becoming a sophomore, growing up, altering, changing and shaping things so differently.
big shout outs to EVERYONE who has EVER sat with us, even for just one time.
special request, please bring a reading to share with the group tomorrow. tomorrow's meditation is a special guided forgiveness meditation.
I METTA U Guys so so so so so much, and thank you for being a part of our Sangha!
jai bhagwan!
elissa jane
Saturday, October 24, 2009
crossing the Equator
when we visited Africa back in 1991, one of the highlights was crossing the Equator. we traveled the Kenyan countryside in a van, exploring various parks and sights starting with the north and working our way south. the Equator pit stop was certainly a seasoned tourist attraction. our guide brought us through a village called Nanyuki, which catered to "our kind" complete with a gift shop. in the midst of the commercialism, we stood in front of a giant yellow sign adorned with a giant black red and green Africa symbol with "EQUATOR" stamped across the middle in bright red. I still have the photo.
one of the highlights of that day, was a demonstration with three little matchsticks and a bucket of water. our guide put the bucket down about 10 meters from the equator, and dropped the matchsticks into the bucket which had holes on the bottom for drainage. on the north side of the Equator, the water turned clockwise. as we crossed the equator, the water changed direction and turned counter clockwise.
my sister and I giggled, wondering if we'd ever look at a toilet the same again. the rest of the trip we spent on the southern part of Kenya, where, my sister and I flushed many a matchstick giggling with delight at the turn of events.
today I was thinking about my life and reflecting a little on life before and after my "Cleansing My Karma" light bulb moment.
before, my life was turning clockwise, a succession of choices leading me down a destined path. everything I willfully created and controlled, no matter how skillful, seemed to lead me to the same result. over and over, doing life in that way, lead me to that unenlightened place where dukka turned clockwise.
when I made the decision to take on meditation and buddhist practice and chose a spiritual way, the little sticks stood still, and then slowly began to turn another way.
slowly, my flow is moving counter clockwise. not so dissimilar from the Against the Stream theory. the work I'm doing is counter intuitive. it takes great courage and strength to not wallow in the dark, and stick with old habits in the clockwise spiral.
slowly, gradually, with slight fluidity, I'm learning that doing the right thing becomes easier, on the verge of intuitive. going counter clockwise is beginning to feel a little more comfortable, and doesn't look as strange when I peer into the vortex of the current.
I've flushed quite a few toilets since crossing the equator. I suspect, I have many many more flushes ahead of me.
coming to terms with the wreckage of my past may or may not just flow easily, like water turning down a drain. at least, for now, it's a different action, creating a different result. that has to be positive. undoubtedly, I'm guessing I'll need to break out the plunger many more times as I cross the equator into the other hemisphere.
one of the highlights of that day, was a demonstration with three little matchsticks and a bucket of water. our guide put the bucket down about 10 meters from the equator, and dropped the matchsticks into the bucket which had holes on the bottom for drainage. on the north side of the Equator, the water turned clockwise. as we crossed the equator, the water changed direction and turned counter clockwise.
my sister and I giggled, wondering if we'd ever look at a toilet the same again. the rest of the trip we spent on the southern part of Kenya, where, my sister and I flushed many a matchstick giggling with delight at the turn of events.
today I was thinking about my life and reflecting a little on life before and after my "Cleansing My Karma" light bulb moment.
before, my life was turning clockwise, a succession of choices leading me down a destined path. everything I willfully created and controlled, no matter how skillful, seemed to lead me to the same result. over and over, doing life in that way, lead me to that unenlightened place where dukka turned clockwise.
when I made the decision to take on meditation and buddhist practice and chose a spiritual way, the little sticks stood still, and then slowly began to turn another way.
slowly, my flow is moving counter clockwise. not so dissimilar from the Against the Stream theory. the work I'm doing is counter intuitive. it takes great courage and strength to not wallow in the dark, and stick with old habits in the clockwise spiral.
slowly, gradually, with slight fluidity, I'm learning that doing the right thing becomes easier, on the verge of intuitive. going counter clockwise is beginning to feel a little more comfortable, and doesn't look as strange when I peer into the vortex of the current.
I've flushed quite a few toilets since crossing the equator. I suspect, I have many many more flushes ahead of me.
coming to terms with the wreckage of my past may or may not just flow easily, like water turning down a drain. at least, for now, it's a different action, creating a different result. that has to be positive. undoubtedly, I'm guessing I'll need to break out the plunger many more times as I cross the equator into the other hemisphere.
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