what did I die for anyway?

life after death isn't really all it's cracked up to be. 

after putting so much effort to make the most out of my life, I found myself creeping right back into the old patterns I thought I had left behind.  it was unreasonable and unfair to myself to assume that I was transformed to such an extent that everything would be ultimately different.  its not. 

Life hasn't changed!

ok, maybe I'm being a bit of a drama queen here, but I did find myself going back into some old patterns that I worked so hard to get out of the Year I died.

before I died, I was working for a micro-managing abusive boss in a toxic work environment that was going to kill me if I didn't kill myself first.  I swore, I'd never allow myself to work in a toxic workplace again.

maybe that is the point, that all workplaces are toxic to some degree, but I think it is something else.  it is a kind of person that I work for, the micro manager that slowly abuses me and verbally harms me with words that are difficult to pull myself out from under.

if you hadn't heard, I lost a job I was pretty psyched about last week.  I jumped right in and worked very hard from the starting gate.  by day three, my new boss was telling me, "I don't know if this is going to work," and I heard her say this over and over and over. 

by the time we got to six weeks, my fear in approaching her or talking to her about anything related to my performance was evolving, and I could feel that painful twang and fear I had felt before at 'the restaurant'.  it was amazing, how could two totally different people have the same motivational tactic that caused me so much strife? 

school started last week, and it was understood I'd be returning on August 30th.  after putting off some very serious administrative issues I had no choice but to put me first and go deal with the paperwork.  while running around like a chicken with its head cut off, literally, I was asking myself, what the fuck did I die for?

what's more important?  and I realized, while crying my eyes out trying to fix my account with student accounts, how badly I wanted to be back in school and the big priority completing my education is to ME. 

I didn't die to beg another stupid boss to treat me like a human being and allow me to a good job and notice me.  I died to live my life in a way that was fruitful, and productive.  There was a commitment I made to myself when I died, and one of those gifts was my education and finishing my degree at Bard.

I made other commitments.  I finish my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training next weekend!  there's my commitment to practice and the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group.  to be healthy, eat better, be more compassionate, be in service, do more yoga, work out at the gym, spend time with my son, be a great mom. 

this summer after my death, I did 'Me' half assed because I was in fear.  I tip toed around Me because I was scrambling and afraid that I couldn't support my son and I.  in reality, I missed out on a lot of the promises and plans I made to myself, my kiddo, and my community.

In my mind, I keep hearing myself say, "what the fuck did I die for?" 

I've been wanting to respond to the question on this blog, but up until this morning at 8am on a holiday sunday, it hit me... I DIED FOR ME and it is time to get back to that commitment and honor it.

last night, the topic of the unmentionable meeting was about putting 'sobriety' first.  I challenge that idea and say that it is really more about putting 'ME' first.  if you're a working mom like me, you know that ain't easy.  it takes immense practice to put 'ME' ahead of other things.

when I got let go from my beloved new job via voicemail, where I was called unprofessional, by voicemail (WTF!) not only was I sad, angry, hurt, betrayed and dismayed....... (NOTE:  Clearly I'm writing this with a lot of resentments still and I'm aware that there are many lessons here for me)  I was also RELIEVED!  sounds crazy right?  I was let go of having to please someone else who was setting  me up to fail as a form of motivation.  I could stop running on a hamster wheel, and get back to the life I died for.

after our annual three week summer break, I get my Zman back today.  I offered to get him a day early so we could 'hang' out and spend some time together before he starts school on Tuesday.  I'm putting this down on proverbial paper, to say, I want to insure that I'm honoring my commitment to be present and honor my little kiddo. 

so let's review the gifts of death I was so happy about only three months ago;

my motherhood, which is a miracle
my spiritual practice, meditation, yoga
my body, working out, eating more compassionately
my spiritual training, completing my Facilitator Training
my education, back in school
my family, I still need to make amends to my sister

maybe I need to create a 'Grateful to be Dead' list and keep it handy, so I can continue to remind myself what I reincarnated back to this life for.  hmmmm...... that sounds like a good idea!

it feels as though I died years ago.  it was really easy to get away from the importance of my death and the lessons that came with it.  the transitions of the past week were substantial, and I'm very thankful for the wake up call to get back into my life and honor the things that are true to ME. 

home stretch

I've tried to write this entry about 5 times in the past couple of days. Without using any references, I would easily believe that nothing has really changed over the past year. That I didn't do enough, step up my spiritual practice enough, mediate enough or really refer to the course as it was laid out in the book correctly.

Without a lot of effort, I can easily muster up self-judgment that I didn't do this last year 'right'.

But how do you die correctly? Is there a right and wrong as to how I was supposed to do this?

In reality, if I look back to a year ago and compare it to today, there is NO QUESTION that I have definitely made some life altering changes this year, and that the motivation was the Year to Live Practice.

Last night, I gave myself one of my few remaining dying wishes, and saw Michael Franti Live one more time with my good friends. A year ago, we had all gone to see anther concert... same group... different Me. As I stood among the masses of people, sometimes in the company of one, or alone, or with the entire group, I realized how different I was from last year to now. I've found ease, and gentleness in my social circle. I can be effervescent and say nothing at the same time. I can just be, and I have found comfort in my skin as never before.

The darkness and loneliness I have wallowed in for so many years has lifted. I have unloaded toxic behaviors beyond my drinking and drugging.

The feeling of attachment and the "need" for an elusive something has slipped away.

I have found serenity, and connection to not just my friends but to people. My metta practice has grown, I am able to offer compassion, understanding, joy and light to others. It's not some bullshit hippie thing, but something that has emerged for me and brings me peace.

I've broken through layers of fear that have prevented me from connecting to the present moment. Mindfulness comes a little more naturally. Last night, it was as though I was fully there, in my body, without the effort my less trained mind has had to put forth in the past.

Dancing in the crowd... getting closer and closer to the stage... feeling the music, each song, each beat... letting go of everything but the present moment, I was able to really really enjoy the night. More and more, I'm cognoscente of when I'm mindful and have a little more ease being in a state of mindfulness.

So, how much time is left? a little over a week.

Yeah, there are some things I'd hoped to experience this year that didn't happen. I didn't fall in love. I didn't fully transform my career path. My house is still messy. I didn't lose the weight entirely (but I've decided the 41 by 41 can be during the year I am 41, see softening and gentleness for me).

Those things are minor in comparison to what I have accomplished.... a year at Bard on full scholarship, almost done with DP Facilitator Training, a year of being in service offering meditation, an improved relationship with my son, I made the big amends to my parents and ex-husband, taking care of myself and focusing on me, and yeah, I didn't really fall 'in love' but, I have definitely learned to Love Me. That seems so much more important in the grand scheme.

With a week to go, there are a few details to attend to; the will and my funeral plans.

41 by 41

58 days left to live.

that's not much time.

I'm really feeling the pressure to 'get it done'. get what done? get through the final laundry list of things I want to accomplish before my funeral.

about a week ago, I was noshing at a small restaurant in Woodstock. in such close quarters, I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the various conversations around me. there was a woman at a nearby table going on about her new age woo woo workshop for women. she was talking all about her coaching techniques, and going on about people and the things they want.

it made me think, what do I want?

then she said it, the one little ditty that stuck to my brain.

in order to get the thing we want
we need to get rid of the thing that is keeping us from getting it

wow, how simple. really is that it?

so I have been pondering my life and it's impending end. I've made so many awesome changes this year thus far. I've been true to me and have broken through some tough challenges. I've made amends to the most important people on my list (well, not my sister yet, but hopefully I'll get there soon). I'm making positive changes, classes, facilitator training, school and yoga practice. my son and I couldn't be tighter. I'm living life to the fullest, and being mindful.

so what's missing? oh come on, you can guess.

the thing I'd really like to have in my life is a partner. I'm dying alone, and this makes me sad.

so what is the thing that is keeping me from finding romantic companionship?

I've created a wall around myself out of fear. ok, not just the psychological wall, but an actual wall. I stepped on a scale about a month ago, and let me tell you, I had no idea I'd gotten so heavy. how did this happen? it's emotional. it's my barrier between me and them. it's protection I've created, so that I can keep from getting hurt.

that wall comes down, and it's coming down now.

I'm back on my workout, gym, running, yoga regime. this is not a joke... it's on. starting that day, I realized what's keeping me from what I want is 'the wall'. now I'm going to do something women never do.... I'm going to divulge my personal goal out loud here online... I'm going to lose 41 lbs by June 14th, my 41st birthday and the date of my death.

so, when you see me at my funeral, I'll be 125 lbs, a size 8. seems crazy? yeah, I know, but I'm going for it.

huff huff huff.... here I go. I'm getting rid of the 'thing' that is keeping me from what I deserve.

passover the small talk will ya?

part of the process
in my Year to Live Practice
is to make amends to those I have harmed before I die.

with my death looming, I've kicked up my step work in an effort to get to the part where I start making amends to those I've harmed.

some of the amends have been met with hugs, and smile
and I've walked away feeling a sense of inner peace,
but there were two amends on my list I was afraid I'd never finish in time; my ex-husband and my parents.

you see, I could make amends to thousands of people, I've done a lot of damage and I know there is no way I will be able to get to everyone I've harmed.

it took me years to see, that I genuinely hurt my ex-husband and broke his heart. I didn't leave him with dignity. I broke his heart in an effort to insure I'd truly be ending my marriage.
how would I make an amends to this man?
I chose to grant him an uncontested divorce, and give him closure as my active amends.
by divorcing my now ex-husband, and walking through it with dignity
no fighting
no court
no battle
just surrender
I offered an amends, I gave him closure
I recognized that I hurt him and broke his heart
I stopped hating him and hanging onto resentments
I have forgiven him, over and over
but I needed to find a place
to forgive myself.

signing the papers was scary, but in the end, I did it for him and gave him the peace
he was begging me for. does it change anything? for me no, for him yes.

but there was a bigger hurdle to leap over
I knew I wanted to make amends to my parents before I 'die'.

last night, unplanned, far from prepared, it happened.
at Passover dinner, my father said something that totally triggered me and my abandonment issues. it was as though I was fired with a shot that changed the moment so quickly.
I wasn't ready.
I had nothing thought out, no mental script to draw from.
In a panic, the pain of the feeling of being less than his other children emerged.
I felt like I felt the day I begged him to be my dad again in the Lowes Hotel so many years ago, I felt unheard, misunderstood, and unaccepted.
one reaction, to something so matter a fact, changed everything.

but this time, the family dynamic was altered.
the universe answered my unanswered prayers.
my mother insisted I stay, and for the first time in 40 years,
my mother, my father and I talked, really talked.
we had the talk, I never thought we'd have.
we came to an understanding, not the kind you see in the movies, but something real.
and.... I came clean, and answered to my part. I took responsibility and told them how I genuinely wanted to make amends.

you would think so many different outcomes might have concluded the long emotional talk, but the ending was the true surprise.
when I asked my parents, what my action amends could be, to make up for my past mistakes, my mother responded with, "I want you to take care of yourself, your health and to be happy." there was more, but this was the gist.

and there it was, the finale to my most important amends, the one I was afraid of. I can take my parents off my 9th step list.

I walked out of the building, exhausted, when 'god's voicemail' went off through the mouth of the doorman. a man I barely ever talk to, the guy who opens the door to my mother's building stopped me on the way out, and said, "I've watched your son grow, he's amazing, you have a beautiful son, every time I see him he makes me smile, he's such an amazing kid, God Bless You." and then he hugged me. this was really surreal!

in the end, if nothing else, if all my life I've made horrible choices, I've done one thing right. I made an incredible kid, and my legacy will live on in his heart and spirit.

this morning, I awoke with a painful emotional hangover. but life goes on, school was waiting. I got up, got dressed, got my work done ... and at the end of the day, I gave myself a mini-staycation retreat, and took a yoga class followed by a guided meditation. as I promised, I did something nice for me, and took care of my heart and my soul.

clock is ticking, only a few short months left... time to make a final list of the things I want to accomplish before my Funeral.