life after the break up, and another silent retreat

earlier this week, I found out that Stephen Levine passed away.  it seemed appropriate to write a blog in my Year to Live blog at this time to honor him, as I ponder all that I gleaned from his teachings.

sigh.

when was the last time I thought about my Year to Live practice?
do I still apply those lessons and ideas to my life?
when was the last time I meditated?
what happened to squeezing every second out of a moment and relishing joy in the adventure?

answers:
a while. not really? ages ago.  it got eaten up by expectations and disappointment and heartbreak.

it feels like it has been so long since I died. I have forgotten what it is like to live as though I am dying.

the touching thing I gleaned from my year to live was my last regret.  it was, that I was alone and afraid of falling in love.  the fear of falling for someone had seized my heart. I had put up a wall after my divorce, and grew very scared of the pain and anguish that accompanies heart break.  heartbreak is always inevitable when love arrives.  it is around the corner, waiting like a child playing tricks ready to yell "BOO" loudly to surprise you and blindside you.

when I was on my deathbed on the my last day of life, I lamented the fact that I was dying alone with only the comfort of True Blood premiering later that night.  it was heart breaking to realize that my fear was keeping me from the one thing I wanted, a loving partner.  as terrified as I was, I wanted to be in love again.

it took kissing a handful of frogs, and a lot of work.  I began to date again a few years later in a way that was open hearted.  experiencing regular rejection, I continued to rely on the hope that my guy was out there in the world and when I was ready he would appear.  and he did. he was a friend, and then I fell in love with him.

was it easy to trust? to fall in love? to be open and leap without abandon? oh hell no.  for the first month I held back and scrutinized.  I looked at every second wondering where the shoe would drop and my heart would get squashed.  I anticipated what would ruin it before it barely began. sadly, there were things I was right about but what I didn't factor in was my own fear.

I spent the past two years learning to shed fear and learned to trust.  I gave in to being soft, feminine and vulnerable.  it was freeing.

in the early days, just after a month or so, I went on my first silent retreat.  I spent the nine days practicing opening, letting the goop and layers of stuff 'protecting' my heart melt way.  I imagined the non-existent armor that supposedly kept me from emotional heartache falling away, and allowed myself to be open to what can be.  I became possibility, and let go of fear.

the result, I fell in love. madly, openly and without conditions.  it was an ongoing practice learning to trust, to stay open and know that he would be there each time.  in the beginning, he tried to understand, to be supportive and help me grow out of this pain of my past that permeated every fiber of my existence.  he assured me that he would always be there. when I was truly frightened, he quelled those fears with his soothing voice and open heart.

but my practice exhausted him.  he got weary of the process.  he found my insecurity annoying.  he looked at me differently.  he stopped touching me.  as I opened myself and committed to all the love and joy that could be, he walked away.  my fear ultimately sabotaged a great deal of possibility and his magical view of me wore off when he saw me for what I really am.  freakishly damaged and loaded with too much luggage.

what is the point of this? oh, the end and the beginning.  the death and rebirth.  the fear and the love.

well, my deathbed wish was granted.  I did fall in love again.  I had the kind of love I dreamed of, a partner who found my brilliance exciting, my creativity interesting, my farts cute, my dark humor hilarious and my eyes intoxicating.  he saw the special thing that makes me amazing, and gravitated to it.  looking past my funny face and average looks, he saw the beautiful goddess within me and worshiped her.  I had all of that.  he loved me and my son as a package.  he was always ready to say 'yes' to the adventure, and would run away to wherever I wanted.  he even took me to some places unknown in this world.  the more I knew him, the more handsome and delightful he looked in my eyes.  this was it, the chance at a life with someone who complemented me so well.  I was there, I was in it. love had arrived.

but he fell out of love with me. I am too intense. I am too odd. I needed too much affirmation, and wanted validation he wasn't interested in creating.  not for me anyway.

my big heart and tremendousness pushed him away.

and he was gone.

point! get to it already.

so yeah... that Year to Live thing. the fear of heartbreak? get to it!

I almost felt as though I was gonna die on Xmas Day when he said he wasn't coming and ultimately broke up with me because I felt stood up, hurt and abandoned. I realized he was done with me.  my breaking heart was too much. he made a very undedicated attempt to give me a chance but there was nothing left, he felt closure and completeness, he had nothing to give me.  his priority wasn't me anymore.  I fell off the pedestal into a swamp and he saw the monster I am instead of the goddess.

alone.

in the universe's odd way, I am getting what I need to heal.  I booked a retreat at IMS for Jan 9 - 14 months ago.  the dharma was calling.  my practice was arising. it was time to get back on the cushion. during the retreat, I thought about my year to live practice.  my dharma Year to Live sangha sister Barbara came to mind. the other silent retreats I'd taken at IMS had all happened while I was with him. one at the beginning of our relationship. one in the middle.  this one was arriving at the end.  the dharma's lessons carrying me through.  my right view continues to be re-righted.

heartbreak is inevitable post being dumped.  it's awful and wrenching and confusing.  he thinks I don't listen, but it is quite the opposite.  I listen to him with intent and mindfulness. it all sticks to every groove of my brain, seeping in for me to chew on and analyze.  picking apart each syllable he has ever said to me, I hear him clearly.  he is not in love with me anymore.  he blames me.  he has given up.  he resents me, and does not understand or nurture my character defects anymore.  he has thrown in the towel.  he has let go.

for me, letting go takes much more practice and requires an intention I have to cultivate because I am not motivated to let go.  but it is time. we learn from lesson one, it is our attachments that cause us the most suffering.  my attachment is bringing me great pain now.  I let go.

the good news in all of it is, my fears about heartbreak and my expectation of the pain of it has not come to fruition.  everything is impermanent.  I feel the charge, the anguish and the pain very deeply. it is ok.  I can be with it and care for it and give it space to move.  in the deepest core of my understanding, it is impermanent.  it will pass.  it will morph.  it will never leave me fully.  my heart is porous and has absorbed quite a terrible blow.  microscopic remnants of this emotion will loiter, linger and stick in there forever.  I'm not pushing it away.  there's no bleach to pour on it.  I can sit with it.

what I feared was not being able to live beyond the pain.  I was wrong.  I am strong and I can live with it, surpass it and give it room to breathe and move.  suffering is always a part of life.  the more I cling the more it hurts because I'm clutching onto an impermanent essence that cannot be hoarded.

I did it Year to Live.  I fell in love, and found what I thought was going to be my person.  I loved furiously and hard.  I loved with compassion, openness and a big full heart.  the heartbreak of the end is all part of it.  perhaps my life lesson is to learn to live with heartbreak over and over until I stop fearing it. instead of regretting being alone I should embrace the loves I've manifested.

for a few moments in my life, I had the comfort of a loyal partner who said he loved me forever.

forever is impermanent.

dying alone is still my biggest fear.  at least I now know I can handle and live with the pain, and know I can still cultivate joy if I want to.

Last Will... living or otherwise

My name is Elissa Jane Mastel, I'm a divorced woman, and this is my last will.

I have a child, Zoren Mastel born 2002 that I want to provide for.

Anything I have in regards to finances or property will automatically transfer to Zoren. My life insurance policy, mutual funds, savings, etc... All go to the Zman. There is a college fund set up in his name as well.

I name my mother Doris Hillman and my ex-husband Randall Mastel as co-executors of my estate. Robert S. Hillman is named as the alternate executor of my estate.

I award legal guardianship of my son to Randall Mastel & Doris Hillman, and name my sister Rachel Hillman as the alternate.

Rachel Hillman is the trustee for the child trust created by this Will.

Burial Instructions

I wish to be cremated. I want to be cremated and thrown into the ocean from a high cliff. You can put a bench there for people to sit on in my name. There should be music, and I want you to play "Lucky" by Radiohead as you spread my ashes into the ocean. It can be any beach or sea, I just want to make sure I end up back from where man came from... the water.

I want the service to be performed by my family, no religious person or denomination shall be present. I'd like there to be a 10 minute silent meditation after I'm put in the ocean, just quiet.

that's it....

Z says....

tonight, Zman came home from his Dad's, and we had a wonderful almost last night together. I cooked dinner, and we watched the latest Star Trek movie.

we cuddled on the couch, took a break to see the fireflies glittering up the hazy rainy night, stayed up late, and I let him curl up and fall asleep on me as though he were still my little baby. he insisted on sleeping in my bed, as this could be the last night he gets to snuggle me. I obliged.

as we curled up, and snuggled up in my bed, he made the following observations, which I feel sum up my Year to Live Practice very well;

• The year went very fast, I remember everything. All the details. It seems like you just started yesterday.
• You're different because you don't just sit on the couch and do nothing, you're a good mommy and you play with me now.
• I like that you try all these new things, like the snowboarding, going to the gym and surfing and that you got me to learn those things with you too.
• You used to be so angry all the time, like mean and angry and now you're not.
• The mornings are cool because you don't yell so much anymore.
• I like that you do stuff with me, like play games and hang out like a real mommy.
• And the most important part is that you seem really happy a lot, and that's really cool.
  
• I'm glad you're not really dying, but if you were it would go so fast. I'm glad we played this game, because it was scary but good at the same time.
• I Love You Mamma.

and that sums up my son's experience... and frankly, the little guy is pretty spot on as usual.

I'm filled with GRATITUDE that this experience was so inclusive of him, and that he and I morphed together during this journey.

he promised, next time if I'm really dying, he'll snuggle me every night, even if he's all grown up.

if I didn't have this year on the line, I might not have had the wake up call about changing the way I parent. it brings me so much joy that my son has a mindful and present mom. I love being Z's mom, and I'm so glad I didn't let another second go by where I took that for granted.

Unfulfilled Love

tonight, I spent the night strolling the boardwalk by the beach, with a few tears in my eyes. as I count down the final week of my life, there is one thing I didn't get to have....

I didn't find Love before I Die.

ok... it was a wish, not something I could really control, but there it is.

if I were really to die next week, I'd be emphatically sad that I didn't have the chance to find Love again.

there are no soul mates, I don't believe in fairy tales like that. if there was a "The One" then I'd have blown through quite a few "The Ones" already and thus, used up my soul mate allowance for a lifetime.

true love is more like a brilliant mathamatical biological puzzle to me;

timing+chemistry=Love

Love is Elusive, that Chemistry feels unique each time, because there are so few men out there uniquely compatible to me.

let's face it, I'm really really weird, different, not traditionally 'pretty', really smart like Mensa smart and a tinge of wackdoodle crazy. there aren't a lot of chicks out there like me, and typically I'm not what most guys visually look for. I'm an unusual flavor, difficult to categorize and match up. I refuse to play the rules, pretend to be dim witted, lay down as a submissive helpless female and dumb myself down to attract a mate. if men only knew how calculating most women are in affairs of the heart. I'm genuinely terrible at that game.

two years ago, I met someone who really got it about me, someone that had that chemistry and spark, that passion and intellectual and spiritual curiosity. the connection was undeniable.... and, I blew it. and here I am, on the verge of imminent death, and of all the regrets I could be grappling with, the one thing I am most sad about on this windy summer evening on the beach... how I messed up, how I blew it two years ago and how badly I want to make amends before I die. I will tell you that I have tried, on more than a few occasions to reach out and apologize for the way I sabotaged this chance at the real thing. as he said to me, "this just doesn't happen every day."

and I blew it.

since then, before then, and up to now, I haven't met anyone who plays at my heart strings quite like this man did.

two years later, on my virtual deathbed, and I long for the man who got away, and feel incredibly sad that Love eluded me after all this time.

the Buddha taught us that it is our attachments that cause us suffering and that everything is impermanent. so how do I cope with my biological urge to want to be coupled with a partner. is this an attachment I need to let go of? do I need to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life in order to evade suffering the attachment so someone else might cause me? there's a loophole here. we are meant to be coupled, it is our animal nature to crave coupling. so by going against this, would I be more spiritual?

I could become a monastic, separate myself from real life and remove the temptation of falling in Love. but that isn't being true to myself. I am a woman, in the real world and I want to be open to the feelings of wanting to be coupled. it seems so natural, biological, something we all want.

they can write a million dating books for women, telling women to be bitches, withhold sex, pretend not to care, etc... but the reality is...

We Have NO Control over LOVE and how it comes or when. if one has to manipulate a mate, then it just isn't Love in my opinion. so my dying want is a wish, not something I can control. it is not my fault that I am not in love right now or partnered. it is just the way it is for me now.

there is nothing I could have done differently this year that would have brought me love sooner. LOVE is something that comes to you in its time, unfortunately, it didn't come in My Time.

sigh.

home stretch

I've tried to write this entry about 5 times in the past couple of days. Without using any references, I would easily believe that nothing has really changed over the past year. That I didn't do enough, step up my spiritual practice enough, mediate enough or really refer to the course as it was laid out in the book correctly.

Without a lot of effort, I can easily muster up self-judgment that I didn't do this last year 'right'.

But how do you die correctly? Is there a right and wrong as to how I was supposed to do this?

In reality, if I look back to a year ago and compare it to today, there is NO QUESTION that I have definitely made some life altering changes this year, and that the motivation was the Year to Live Practice.

Last night, I gave myself one of my few remaining dying wishes, and saw Michael Franti Live one more time with my good friends. A year ago, we had all gone to see anther concert... same group... different Me. As I stood among the masses of people, sometimes in the company of one, or alone, or with the entire group, I realized how different I was from last year to now. I've found ease, and gentleness in my social circle. I can be effervescent and say nothing at the same time. I can just be, and I have found comfort in my skin as never before.

The darkness and loneliness I have wallowed in for so many years has lifted. I have unloaded toxic behaviors beyond my drinking and drugging.

The feeling of attachment and the "need" for an elusive something has slipped away.

I have found serenity, and connection to not just my friends but to people. My metta practice has grown, I am able to offer compassion, understanding, joy and light to others. It's not some bullshit hippie thing, but something that has emerged for me and brings me peace.

I've broken through layers of fear that have prevented me from connecting to the present moment. Mindfulness comes a little more naturally. Last night, it was as though I was fully there, in my body, without the effort my less trained mind has had to put forth in the past.

Dancing in the crowd... getting closer and closer to the stage... feeling the music, each song, each beat... letting go of everything but the present moment, I was able to really really enjoy the night. More and more, I'm cognoscente of when I'm mindful and have a little more ease being in a state of mindfulness.

So, how much time is left? a little over a week.

Yeah, there are some things I'd hoped to experience this year that didn't happen. I didn't fall in love. I didn't fully transform my career path. My house is still messy. I didn't lose the weight entirely (but I've decided the 41 by 41 can be during the year I am 41, see softening and gentleness for me).

Those things are minor in comparison to what I have accomplished.... a year at Bard on full scholarship, almost done with DP Facilitator Training, a year of being in service offering meditation, an improved relationship with my son, I made the big amends to my parents and ex-husband, taking care of myself and focusing on me, and yeah, I didn't really fall 'in love' but, I have definitely learned to Love Me. That seems so much more important in the grand scheme.

With a week to go, there are a few details to attend to; the will and my funeral plans.

41 by 41

58 days left to live.

that's not much time.

I'm really feeling the pressure to 'get it done'. get what done? get through the final laundry list of things I want to accomplish before my funeral.

about a week ago, I was noshing at a small restaurant in Woodstock. in such close quarters, I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the various conversations around me. there was a woman at a nearby table going on about her new age woo woo workshop for women. she was talking all about her coaching techniques, and going on about people and the things they want.

it made me think, what do I want?

then she said it, the one little ditty that stuck to my brain.

in order to get the thing we want
we need to get rid of the thing that is keeping us from getting it

wow, how simple. really is that it?

so I have been pondering my life and it's impending end. I've made so many awesome changes this year thus far. I've been true to me and have broken through some tough challenges. I've made amends to the most important people on my list (well, not my sister yet, but hopefully I'll get there soon). I'm making positive changes, classes, facilitator training, school and yoga practice. my son and I couldn't be tighter. I'm living life to the fullest, and being mindful.

so what's missing? oh come on, you can guess.

the thing I'd really like to have in my life is a partner. I'm dying alone, and this makes me sad.

so what is the thing that is keeping me from finding romantic companionship?

I've created a wall around myself out of fear. ok, not just the psychological wall, but an actual wall. I stepped on a scale about a month ago, and let me tell you, I had no idea I'd gotten so heavy. how did this happen? it's emotional. it's my barrier between me and them. it's protection I've created, so that I can keep from getting hurt.

that wall comes down, and it's coming down now.

I'm back on my workout, gym, running, yoga regime. this is not a joke... it's on. starting that day, I realized what's keeping me from what I want is 'the wall'. now I'm going to do something women never do.... I'm going to divulge my personal goal out loud here online... I'm going to lose 41 lbs by June 14th, my 41st birthday and the date of my death.

so, when you see me at my funeral, I'll be 125 lbs, a size 8. seems crazy? yeah, I know, but I'm going for it.

huff huff huff.... here I go. I'm getting rid of the 'thing' that is keeping me from what I deserve.