If You Knew by Ellen Bass

What if you knew you’d be the last
to touch someone?

If you were taking tickets, for example,
at the theater, tearing them,
giving back the ragged stubs,
you might take care to touch that palm,
brush your fingertips
along the life line’s crease.

When a man pulls his wheeled suitcase
too slowly through the airport, when
the car in front of me doesn’t signal,
when the clerk at the pharmacy
won’t say Thank you, I don’t remember
they’re going to die.

A friend told me she’d been with her aunt.
They’d just had lunch and the waiter,
a young gay man with plum black eyes,
joked as he served the coffee, kissed
her aunt’s powdered cheek when they left.
Then they walked half a block and her aunt
dropped dead on the sidewalk.

How close does the dragon’s spume
have to come? How wide does the crack
in heaven have to split?
What would people look like
if we could see them as they are,
soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?

boobie bump

the letter arrived in the wake of Sandy.  it was a nondescript envelope, white with a window addressed to me.  it looked like it could be an innocuous bill, or an update on privacy stuff from the phone company.  it was part of a big stack of mail I hadn't gotten to... bills, voting promos, bills, flyers, and some magazines.  I was tearing through the pile, toss, toss, toss, toss, when I got to this envelope.  I tore it open with the same desire to get through it as the rest of the stack of mail.

but this letter was not like the others.  it was addressed to me. it was three pages long.  it had the hospital insignia on top.  it was about my mammogram.

it opened with that dear Ms. Mastel thing.. the date of the mammogram and ... something about finding something and needing to follow up... the rest was a blur.  I read that first paragraph repeatedly.  my left boob!  something in there!

my breath grew heavy, the tears swelled uncontrollably, I stared and stared.  the shock was overwhelming, I was seizing where I sat.

picking up the phone, I kept trying to call the doctor but my fingers were slippery from the tears and I couldn't make out the right number on the phone without fumbling.  the anxiety and adrenaline were mounting, and panic drove me forward to getting the number right for my small town local doctor to ask, "what the fuck do I do?"

and so it began, the dialog about what the course of action would be.  I followed his instructions and made the next appointment to see the specialist.  and then... I sat there.  of course, my mind pulled a knee jerk reaction and began to play out the worst case scenario tape ... me dead, Zman alone, life... ended.  the pain, the suffering, the treatments that were torture that didn't work.  my own personal Lifetime chick TV movie unfolding before my very own delusion.

let go, let go... I remembered I have the ability to release that tape and get present.  I allowed myself to really feel what I was feeling, the fear, the anxiety, the unknowing and the sadness.  I used my other senses to see the trees out the window, feel the seat underneath me, feel the sensations under my skin and hear the sounds from inside me to the sounds outside my window.  I practiced mindfulness.  I sat with what is.  and in that moment, I was sitting with agony.

during this .. my electronic feed kept pumping, IM was blowing up with some random guy feeling rejected by the world and asking for advice on how to fit in, emails asking if I can do this or do that, fervent election updates and discussions, and notifications I've been poked.  yes, life kept going, and would keep going with or without this happening.

and so... I keep relaying back to the memories of the Year to Live practice I once experienced.  the important lessons I took away from it, and how I promised myself that I would stick to being ever present and loving.  where did all that go?  it seems that some of it became a habit, and some of it got lost.

on my proverbial deathbed, I had one regret that I hadn't fallen in love again.  I promised myself I would let myself be open and vulnerable when the next right guy arrived.  and one guy did... after that year, I met someone, I fell in love ... and when he broke my heart... I gave up on everything .. especially me.

it has been a crazy bunch of months of gradual dismissal of my self care.  I became a workaholic again in a toxic situation that didn't support me.  I stopped going to the gym and tossed my yoga practice.  the story I told myself is that I don't deserve the dharma, and stopped sitting.  I mean, I just gave up.

so hear I am... two years after I was reincarnated facing the very same scenario I put myself in on June 14th, 2009.  what if you had only a year to live?  (note: of course NO ONE is talking about this at this time.  drs. have not concluded that it's more than a bump on a film)  I've been taking inventory over the past two days about what I've given up over the past two years since I "died".  it's pretty apparent that I've given up on me.  this needs to be the wake up call to bring me back to that awesome place I was in on my 42nd birthday ... right before ... my heart broke and took me with it.

my friend Paul did the Year to Live practice right before me, in fact, he was a big inspiration for me to want to follow suit.  I remember we were on retreat, and he said, "I wish I had more time in buddhist practice before I took this on, I wasn't ready."  interesting observation, but here I am, facing this boob thing, and well, I'm not ready.  I don't think we get to be ready for the last year of our life.  isn't that part of the practice?  having it come when we're not ready?

I spend months getting "ready" to kick off my Year to Live, I read, I planned, I made a blog... all "ready" to do this! today, it's not about being ready, it is about having no choice.

with a sense of urgency, I have invited ongoing the mindfulness practice back into my life now, because I have no choice.  my intake of food, the way I treat myself, the need to be vigilant about working out, yoga, meditation and self care are more vital than ever.  not because I'm possibly "sick" but because I deserve it.  I'm going to break out the juicer, go for long walks, take moments throughout the day to do something un-work related and spend more time engaging with the people who truly matter.

I've decided, that maybe, with or without a bad diagnosis, it's time to do a do-over on the Year to Live.  why? because the universe is telling me I have to, because the quality of my life depends on it.  ready or not... I wake up tomorrow and start again. 

what did I die for anyway?

life after death isn't really all it's cracked up to be. 

after putting so much effort to make the most out of my life, I found myself creeping right back into the old patterns I thought I had left behind.  it was unreasonable and unfair to myself to assume that I was transformed to such an extent that everything would be ultimately different.  its not. 

Life hasn't changed!

ok, maybe I'm being a bit of a drama queen here, but I did find myself going back into some old patterns that I worked so hard to get out of the Year I died.

before I died, I was working for a micro-managing abusive boss in a toxic work environment that was going to kill me if I didn't kill myself first.  I swore, I'd never allow myself to work in a toxic workplace again.

maybe that is the point, that all workplaces are toxic to some degree, but I think it is something else.  it is a kind of person that I work for, the micro manager that slowly abuses me and verbally harms me with words that are difficult to pull myself out from under.

if you hadn't heard, I lost a job I was pretty psyched about last week.  I jumped right in and worked very hard from the starting gate.  by day three, my new boss was telling me, "I don't know if this is going to work," and I heard her say this over and over and over. 

by the time we got to six weeks, my fear in approaching her or talking to her about anything related to my performance was evolving, and I could feel that painful twang and fear I had felt before at 'the restaurant'.  it was amazing, how could two totally different people have the same motivational tactic that caused me so much strife? 

school started last week, and it was understood I'd be returning on August 30th.  after putting off some very serious administrative issues I had no choice but to put me first and go deal with the paperwork.  while running around like a chicken with its head cut off, literally, I was asking myself, what the fuck did I die for?

what's more important?  and I realized, while crying my eyes out trying to fix my account with student accounts, how badly I wanted to be back in school and the big priority completing my education is to ME. 

I didn't die to beg another stupid boss to treat me like a human being and allow me to a good job and notice me.  I died to live my life in a way that was fruitful, and productive.  There was a commitment I made to myself when I died, and one of those gifts was my education and finishing my degree at Bard.

I made other commitments.  I finish my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training next weekend!  there's my commitment to practice and the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group.  to be healthy, eat better, be more compassionate, be in service, do more yoga, work out at the gym, spend time with my son, be a great mom. 

this summer after my death, I did 'Me' half assed because I was in fear.  I tip toed around Me because I was scrambling and afraid that I couldn't support my son and I.  in reality, I missed out on a lot of the promises and plans I made to myself, my kiddo, and my community.

In my mind, I keep hearing myself say, "what the fuck did I die for?" 

I've been wanting to respond to the question on this blog, but up until this morning at 8am on a holiday sunday, it hit me... I DIED FOR ME and it is time to get back to that commitment and honor it.

last night, the topic of the unmentionable meeting was about putting 'sobriety' first.  I challenge that idea and say that it is really more about putting 'ME' first.  if you're a working mom like me, you know that ain't easy.  it takes immense practice to put 'ME' ahead of other things.

when I got let go from my beloved new job via voicemail, where I was called unprofessional, by voicemail (WTF!) not only was I sad, angry, hurt, betrayed and dismayed....... (NOTE:  Clearly I'm writing this with a lot of resentments still and I'm aware that there are many lessons here for me)  I was also RELIEVED!  sounds crazy right?  I was let go of having to please someone else who was setting  me up to fail as a form of motivation.  I could stop running on a hamster wheel, and get back to the life I died for.

after our annual three week summer break, I get my Zman back today.  I offered to get him a day early so we could 'hang' out and spend some time together before he starts school on Tuesday.  I'm putting this down on proverbial paper, to say, I want to insure that I'm honoring my commitment to be present and honor my little kiddo. 

so let's review the gifts of death I was so happy about only three months ago;

my motherhood, which is a miracle
my spiritual practice, meditation, yoga
my body, working out, eating more compassionately
my spiritual training, completing my Facilitator Training
my education, back in school
my family, I still need to make amends to my sister

maybe I need to create a 'Grateful to be Dead' list and keep it handy, so I can continue to remind myself what I reincarnated back to this life for.  hmmmm...... that sounds like a good idea!

it feels as though I died years ago.  it was really easy to get away from the importance of my death and the lessons that came with it.  the transitions of the past week were substantial, and I'm very thankful for the wake up call to get back into my life and honor the things that are true to ME. 

Last Will... living or otherwise

My name is Elissa Jane Mastel, I'm a divorced woman, and this is my last will.

I have a child, Zoren Mastel born 2002 that I want to provide for.

Anything I have in regards to finances or property will automatically transfer to Zoren. My life insurance policy, mutual funds, savings, etc... All go to the Zman. There is a college fund set up in his name as well.

I name my mother Doris Hillman and my ex-husband Randall Mastel as co-executors of my estate. Robert S. Hillman is named as the alternate executor of my estate.

I award legal guardianship of my son to Randall Mastel & Doris Hillman, and name my sister Rachel Hillman as the alternate.

Rachel Hillman is the trustee for the child trust created by this Will.

Burial Instructions

I wish to be cremated. I want to be cremated and thrown into the ocean from a high cliff. You can put a bench there for people to sit on in my name. There should be music, and I want you to play "Lucky" by Radiohead as you spread my ashes into the ocean. It can be any beach or sea, I just want to make sure I end up back from where man came from... the water.

I want the service to be performed by my family, no religious person or denomination shall be present. I'd like there to be a 10 minute silent meditation after I'm put in the ocean, just quiet.

that's it....

Z says....

tonight, Zman came home from his Dad's, and we had a wonderful almost last night together. I cooked dinner, and we watched the latest Star Trek movie.

we cuddled on the couch, took a break to see the fireflies glittering up the hazy rainy night, stayed up late, and I let him curl up and fall asleep on me as though he were still my little baby. he insisted on sleeping in my bed, as this could be the last night he gets to snuggle me. I obliged.

as we curled up, and snuggled up in my bed, he made the following observations, which I feel sum up my Year to Live Practice very well;

• The year went very fast, I remember everything. All the details. It seems like you just started yesterday.
• You're different because you don't just sit on the couch and do nothing, you're a good mommy and you play with me now.
• I like that you try all these new things, like the snowboarding, going to the gym and surfing and that you got me to learn those things with you too.
• You used to be so angry all the time, like mean and angry and now you're not.
• The mornings are cool because you don't yell so much anymore.
• I like that you do stuff with me, like play games and hang out like a real mommy.
• And the most important part is that you seem really happy a lot, and that's really cool.
  
• I'm glad you're not really dying, but if you were it would go so fast. I'm glad we played this game, because it was scary but good at the same time.
• I Love You Mamma.

and that sums up my son's experience... and frankly, the little guy is pretty spot on as usual.

I'm filled with GRATITUDE that this experience was so inclusive of him, and that he and I morphed together during this journey.

he promised, next time if I'm really dying, he'll snuggle me every night, even if he's all grown up.

if I didn't have this year on the line, I might not have had the wake up call about changing the way I parent. it brings me so much joy that my son has a mindful and present mom. I love being Z's mom, and I'm so glad I didn't let another second go by where I took that for granted.

home stretch

I've tried to write this entry about 5 times in the past couple of days. Without using any references, I would easily believe that nothing has really changed over the past year. That I didn't do enough, step up my spiritual practice enough, mediate enough or really refer to the course as it was laid out in the book correctly.

Without a lot of effort, I can easily muster up self-judgment that I didn't do this last year 'right'.

But how do you die correctly? Is there a right and wrong as to how I was supposed to do this?

In reality, if I look back to a year ago and compare it to today, there is NO QUESTION that I have definitely made some life altering changes this year, and that the motivation was the Year to Live Practice.

Last night, I gave myself one of my few remaining dying wishes, and saw Michael Franti Live one more time with my good friends. A year ago, we had all gone to see anther concert... same group... different Me. As I stood among the masses of people, sometimes in the company of one, or alone, or with the entire group, I realized how different I was from last year to now. I've found ease, and gentleness in my social circle. I can be effervescent and say nothing at the same time. I can just be, and I have found comfort in my skin as never before.

The darkness and loneliness I have wallowed in for so many years has lifted. I have unloaded toxic behaviors beyond my drinking and drugging.

The feeling of attachment and the "need" for an elusive something has slipped away.

I have found serenity, and connection to not just my friends but to people. My metta practice has grown, I am able to offer compassion, understanding, joy and light to others. It's not some bullshit hippie thing, but something that has emerged for me and brings me peace.

I've broken through layers of fear that have prevented me from connecting to the present moment. Mindfulness comes a little more naturally. Last night, it was as though I was fully there, in my body, without the effort my less trained mind has had to put forth in the past.

Dancing in the crowd... getting closer and closer to the stage... feeling the music, each song, each beat... letting go of everything but the present moment, I was able to really really enjoy the night. More and more, I'm cognoscente of when I'm mindful and have a little more ease being in a state of mindfulness.

So, how much time is left? a little over a week.

Yeah, there are some things I'd hoped to experience this year that didn't happen. I didn't fall in love. I didn't fully transform my career path. My house is still messy. I didn't lose the weight entirely (but I've decided the 41 by 41 can be during the year I am 41, see softening and gentleness for me).

Those things are minor in comparison to what I have accomplished.... a year at Bard on full scholarship, almost done with DP Facilitator Training, a year of being in service offering meditation, an improved relationship with my son, I made the big amends to my parents and ex-husband, taking care of myself and focusing on me, and yeah, I didn't really fall 'in love' but, I have definitely learned to Love Me. That seems so much more important in the grand scheme.

With a week to go, there are a few details to attend to; the will and my funeral plans.

41 by 41

58 days left to live.

that's not much time.

I'm really feeling the pressure to 'get it done'. get what done? get through the final laundry list of things I want to accomplish before my funeral.

about a week ago, I was noshing at a small restaurant in Woodstock. in such close quarters, I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the various conversations around me. there was a woman at a nearby table going on about her new age woo woo workshop for women. she was talking all about her coaching techniques, and going on about people and the things they want.

it made me think, what do I want?

then she said it, the one little ditty that stuck to my brain.

in order to get the thing we want
we need to get rid of the thing that is keeping us from getting it

wow, how simple. really is that it?

so I have been pondering my life and it's impending end. I've made so many awesome changes this year thus far. I've been true to me and have broken through some tough challenges. I've made amends to the most important people on my list (well, not my sister yet, but hopefully I'll get there soon). I'm making positive changes, classes, facilitator training, school and yoga practice. my son and I couldn't be tighter. I'm living life to the fullest, and being mindful.

so what's missing? oh come on, you can guess.

the thing I'd really like to have in my life is a partner. I'm dying alone, and this makes me sad.

so what is the thing that is keeping me from finding romantic companionship?

I've created a wall around myself out of fear. ok, not just the psychological wall, but an actual wall. I stepped on a scale about a month ago, and let me tell you, I had no idea I'd gotten so heavy. how did this happen? it's emotional. it's my barrier between me and them. it's protection I've created, so that I can keep from getting hurt.

that wall comes down, and it's coming down now.

I'm back on my workout, gym, running, yoga regime. this is not a joke... it's on. starting that day, I realized what's keeping me from what I want is 'the wall'. now I'm going to do something women never do.... I'm going to divulge my personal goal out loud here online... I'm going to lose 41 lbs by June 14th, my 41st birthday and the date of my death.

so, when you see me at my funeral, I'll be 125 lbs, a size 8. seems crazy? yeah, I know, but I'm going for it.

huff huff huff.... here I go. I'm getting rid of the 'thing' that is keeping me from what I deserve.

passover the small talk will ya?

part of the process
in my Year to Live Practice
is to make amends to those I have harmed before I die.

with my death looming, I've kicked up my step work in an effort to get to the part where I start making amends to those I've harmed.

some of the amends have been met with hugs, and smile
and I've walked away feeling a sense of inner peace,
but there were two amends on my list I was afraid I'd never finish in time; my ex-husband and my parents.

you see, I could make amends to thousands of people, I've done a lot of damage and I know there is no way I will be able to get to everyone I've harmed.

it took me years to see, that I genuinely hurt my ex-husband and broke his heart. I didn't leave him with dignity. I broke his heart in an effort to insure I'd truly be ending my marriage.
how would I make an amends to this man?
I chose to grant him an uncontested divorce, and give him closure as my active amends.
by divorcing my now ex-husband, and walking through it with dignity
no fighting
no court
no battle
just surrender
I offered an amends, I gave him closure
I recognized that I hurt him and broke his heart
I stopped hating him and hanging onto resentments
I have forgiven him, over and over
but I needed to find a place
to forgive myself.

signing the papers was scary, but in the end, I did it for him and gave him the peace
he was begging me for. does it change anything? for me no, for him yes.

but there was a bigger hurdle to leap over
I knew I wanted to make amends to my parents before I 'die'.

last night, unplanned, far from prepared, it happened.
at Passover dinner, my father said something that totally triggered me and my abandonment issues. it was as though I was fired with a shot that changed the moment so quickly.
I wasn't ready.
I had nothing thought out, no mental script to draw from.
In a panic, the pain of the feeling of being less than his other children emerged.
I felt like I felt the day I begged him to be my dad again in the Lowes Hotel so many years ago, I felt unheard, misunderstood, and unaccepted.
one reaction, to something so matter a fact, changed everything.

but this time, the family dynamic was altered.
the universe answered my unanswered prayers.
my mother insisted I stay, and for the first time in 40 years,
my mother, my father and I talked, really talked.
we had the talk, I never thought we'd have.
we came to an understanding, not the kind you see in the movies, but something real.
and.... I came clean, and answered to my part. I took responsibility and told them how I genuinely wanted to make amends.

you would think so many different outcomes might have concluded the long emotional talk, but the ending was the true surprise.
when I asked my parents, what my action amends could be, to make up for my past mistakes, my mother responded with, "I want you to take care of yourself, your health and to be happy." there was more, but this was the gist.

and there it was, the finale to my most important amends, the one I was afraid of. I can take my parents off my 9th step list.

I walked out of the building, exhausted, when 'god's voicemail' went off through the mouth of the doorman. a man I barely ever talk to, the guy who opens the door to my mother's building stopped me on the way out, and said, "I've watched your son grow, he's amazing, you have a beautiful son, every time I see him he makes me smile, he's such an amazing kid, God Bless You." and then he hugged me. this was really surreal!

in the end, if nothing else, if all my life I've made horrible choices, I've done one thing right. I made an incredible kid, and my legacy will live on in his heart and spirit.

this morning, I awoke with a painful emotional hangover. but life goes on, school was waiting. I got up, got dressed, got my work done ... and at the end of the day, I gave myself a mini-staycation retreat, and took a yoga class followed by a guided meditation. as I promised, I did something nice for me, and took care of my heart and my soul.

clock is ticking, only a few short months left... time to make a final list of the things I want to accomplish before my Funeral.

got skillz?

skillful
unskillful

I've used these two words in a sentence more time in the past week, than ever before. but what do they even mean?

on New Year's Eve, I set the intention to practice Right Speech.

now ... I'm investigating and coming to terms with what this really means. beyond my gossip and sarcasm, there is something more important to review. not just right, but also skillful speech. to understand how I use words, language, expression, my writing to communicate and to be more aware of how my communication effects others.

last night, we talked about responsibility. I questioned, have I been truly responsible with my speech? did I use my speech skillfully?

it goes beyond right intentions but actually putting forth skillful action and well realized words.

I've begun a new task for the next thirty days, I am holding myself accountable to my word. in the mornings, I state my intentions for the day, meditate, shower, get dressed and live the day by doing what I've set the intention to do. my life to-do lists are very simple; daily tasks, homework, chores, meditation, yoga and reading. nothing that involves expectations, just making sure I'm doing my life and the footwork to complete tasks that need to get done in the midst of my life in motion.

so back to this skillful thing.
what does it mean to be a skillful practitioner.....
this is something new for me to learn. it's not something I can answer right now or today.
my point of view isn't right, it is skewed by my ego. I have lived a lifetime of thinking I know what is best for me and for everyone else, but all of my being 'right' has been totally utterly wrong. oh no, what?

yes, my view has been skewed.

back to the drawing board.
my practice takes a new shape a new form.

time to step back, and remove my need to label and opinionize (yeah, I made up a word) things. this is gonna take some work!

I definitely hit a new layer of the onion and whew, man, it really made me cry. damn sting as you cut this thing open!

all my righteous advice, and solution knowing brain is swirling into a bubbling mess that needs to be extricated from my brain. fortunately, there is an answer to this.

to keep sitting with what is.
sit every morning.
sit every day.
take care of my heart, mind and body.
breathe.....

and get clear that the knowing, may truly be knowing nothing at all except what is in this very moment.

but, I'm POWERLESS

last week
it snowed
our internet went out
our phone shut down
our power turned off

we hudled in the dark
without the comforts we have grown attached to

the snow continued to fall
fall and fall
forcing us
to stay put, and deal with being home without the distractions that make emotional escape possible

no Tetris
no DVDs
no Phone
no iChatting
no Noisemaker
no Screens to tune out in front of

just us, in the darkened hazy stormy daylight barely cracking through the storm

these severe conditions
would have been enough to force us to grab sharp objects
and kill one and other
but ....

we didn't

I thought of my practice
what I wanted
and how I wanted my son to remember these days
stuck at home
with his Mommy

when the frustrations of cabin fever would grow
I looked at him and said, "I don't want to be that yelly mommy, let's come up with a code word. When we say it, we both Have to Laugh!"

"Banana Peels"

and so, it was settled
whenever one of us got testy, we'd say, "Banana Peels" and whether or not I felt like it, I'd laugh out loud
and then we'd giggle
and feel better

we struggled through the week, it wasn't easy
we curled up and slept in the small bed in my son's room and clutched each other for warmth
and there were moments I really thought I'd gone totally nuts
but we were Powerless
literally without Power

we had no choice

so I made the most of it
and loved each moment
and tried not to beat myself up for all the things I wasn't accomplishing

I had a lot of homework for school and my very late homework for Facilitator Training due
it didn't get done
and for that
I'm struggling

did I meditate?

um, NO
not the way I would have liked to
I was so uneasy
overtired
bad diet
bad sleep
cold
uncomfortable

but.... being Powerless did bring my son and I a very powerful bonding experience
and making the moments with my son count
has been a huge part of my practice this year

I made a promise to my son, to be on the computer less
and present for him more

this past week, he got his wish
NO computer
and 100% non-stop Mommy and Me time

2010

with the turning of the clocks
ending the first decade of the millennium
I realize I only have about five months left

in the first six months of this journey, I made so many abrupt changes
and the universe also lent me a hand
I took off to Puerto Rico for my inaugural end of life adventure
my toxic job was terminated
my new life as Bardian Student began
my son's struggles with school got settled
I got my divorce papers

this year, for New Year's Eve
I orchestrated a New Year's Eve Dharma Punx Gathering in the mountains
and rung in the New Year silently in meditation with my sangha, friends new and old
as we opened our eyes, the snow was falling in the light of the blue moon while fireworks exploded in the distance
I had never celebrated the New Year in silence, and never expected the experience to be truly peaceful
part of me felt that I had manifested a magical feeling, but I was willing to go with it and allow it to cycle through me

my son was with my Mom, and it seemed as though he was very far away, and I missed him on New Years. we had such a wonderful holiday time together, but I also needed my time to be still. this just doesn't happen with him in the house.

I've made my amends to my ex-husband as promised. without a struggle, I signed divorce papers, executed, notarized, sent and he filed them today. it is my sincere wish, that by agreeing and not contesting, and giving him the divorce, he will feel the closure he's seeking. I'm pretty surprised how painful it is. despite how much time has past since we split, the actual Divorce part feels to icky and real. it is as though I'm reliving so much of our past together all over again. Zman knocked a box out of the storage loft full of CDs and Photos, in it were pictures of Zman as a baby at his first Xmas/Channukah, Randall & I as newlyweds in New Orleans, pictures of our wedding, my bachelorette party, our first apartment polaroids and photos of my mom and us all together looking happy. it was like staring at a car wreck, I couldn't stop sorting through and looking at each photo. each, catching a snapshot of a moment of my past.... reminding me of what was.

so now what?

I learned these past few months, that if I'm going to die happy, I need to be happy with what I have. the pining for the empty space to be filled in my heart is only causing me more suffering. instead of focusing what I don't have, a life partner, I need to focus on what I do have.....

I have....
a beautiful, smart, loving, talented son
a future at Bard
clients who rely on me
a magical cabin for us to live in
my health (even though I am dying)
friends and community
spiritual practice

just to name a few things to focus on. I spent the fall working on being good at what I have, being a good mom, a decent student, a fun publicist and practiced letting go of the attachment to wanting to be coupled. by allowing myself to let go of the seeking of what I don't have, I cleared my energy to be good at what is in front of me.

right now, in this moment, I'm very proud of the Mom I am. I am confident my son is loved and nurtured and that our relationship is growing stronger because I'm focusing my attention on it. I did ok in school. I'm still working freelance jobs for my favorite client, and I got a new one this winter. I managed to steer clear of toxic relationships and work situations which hurt me rather than enhance me. things are pretty good, we're happy, we have enough.

so now I am wondering, what's left to be done?

I'd like to finish my work on my amends, to right the hurt I've caused. this could be impossible, but there are people that I really need to connect with before it is too late.

tonight, I'm feeling a little lonely, and sad. the divorce process was much more painful than I expected. it is bringing up many emotions from my childhood, feelings of abandonment and failure, and stirring the fear pot.

but I'm strong and triumphant. I know that everything is impermanent. and with death looming .... I have to get my affairs in order. time to get to the real work.

lifestyle envy

we've all done it.....

had a look at someone else and coveted something they possess in their life. well, maybe a slice of something, material, relationship, attractive looks, wealth, lifestyle, etc....

there are plenty of cliche phrases, such as "grass is always greener" that sort of make you wonder... would life be better on the other side of the fence?

lately, as I explore the end of my life, feeling regretful I'm not doing this practice 'right', wondering if I'm going to die alone, wishing I'd done some things differently, sad there isn't a lover beside me, still consumed with dollops of fear....

My monkey mind crafts a laundry list of "what if";
I was still married
owned my own home
had another kid
got my motorcycle license and a hot bike
stayed single and never got married
didn't have a kid at all
I was living in NYC
still worked in the music biz
wasn't sober
lived in LA
still drove the mercedes as a veg car
lived in Amsterdam
had a personal trainer
didn't let the house go into forclosure
took him back
........ (so many more here)

the empty spaces we perceive in our lives are easily filled with "if only"s

it was pretty surprising when chatting with my trusted psychic about some things that are shifting in my relationships, when she peered into my eyes and said, "she's jealous of you".

of Me??????????

it hadn't occurred to me once that anyone would be jealous of my life.
my life is filled with struggles and suffering.
with loneliness and failures.
and a whole bunch of "what if"s.

so I've had a few days to absorb this statement, "she's jealous of you."

ah..... and how my life looks to others.... perhaps there is somethings to be jealous of.

as easily as I can put forth a list of "what if"s, I can also make a list of "what is".
as the transition of phasing towards the end of the first half of this Year to Live practice, I realize,
I have a life to be grateful for, because I've made TREMENDOUS changes and am taking opportunities a lot of people "what if" about.
I'm living in a cabin on a stream in the woods in the most beautiful place on earth.
I have a gorgeous, smart, brilliant child.
I'm at Bard full time getting my degree and changing my entire career midstream.
I'm writing, a lot.
I've forged friendships, sangha... community. I am surrounded by Love.
and .... plenty of other neat things worth being envious of.

"what if" I die completing a novella, completing a year of school, improving my relationship with my son and leaving him with a knowledge that he is truly loved, share the dharma with many others, and let go of the "what ifs"

over the past week, I've had this image of my hands opening up and literally LETTING GO of the things that cause me suffering. I can visualize myself letting go of the craving to couple, the attachments, the self-judgment and the fear.

in this practice of mentally Letting Go, I find I'm not pondering and clouding my time with worry about the "what ifs" and spending more time on the "what is". I have found myself in a more serene space, free from envy because I'm in the moment.

placing myself in a position to be envious, perpetuates the idea that someone is better than me. this is totally not what I'm doing this for. so now, I have to catch myself, and the need to label and covet.

the grass isn't greener, it's just different.

life's little mile markers

this was posted to the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group email list ---

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they say, in some circles.... it is about the progress, not perfection.

with certain types of work, it is easy to see progress through quantifiable means. but how on earth do you measure 'success' in spiritual practice?

for me, I need to look back at my past, and pin-point spaces in time to see how I perceived the world and how I reacted in it then, and make comparisons to where I am in this moment.

a little over year ago, green to daily practice, I craved the camaraderie of like minded spiritual seekers. I wanted a group of my own, a sangha!, to share ideas and meditation practice.

I didn't think I was worthy to lead the group by any means, so I went looking for the perfect teacher to guide us.

last September I took my first workshop with Noah Levine, and he told me, "just do it yourself, I know you can." this message was enforced by others such as Pablo Das and Tracey of Elm Street Collective. Not to mention the facilitators around the country who guided me and chatted with me over MySpace and chats.

Thank you Dharma Punxians Nation Wide!

They all instilled a sense of encouragement and quelled my self-judgment by giving me the impetus to ... as Nike says JUST DO IT.

a year ago, a few of us gathered at a little loft in Uptown Kingston, and began what is now known as Dharma Punx Hudson Valley.

flash back a year ago, shaking as I shared a reading with the group, wanting everyone in the group to like me, nervous and filled with self centered fears..... to now...

today, my priorities have greatly shifted. my perception of our group has altered. Dharma Punx Hudson Valley Group is my support network, a place to just be myself and not worry about the other stuff. I've been vulnerable and honest and my practice has catapulted forward greatly because of the generous support I've gotten from everyone who ever attended a meeting.

since starting this group, I've donated my time and energy to sharing the gift of meditation with countless others in rehabs, hospitals, schools and anywhere else they will have me.

I'm studying the foundations of buddhism and training to be a Dharma Punx Facilitator with Noah Levine at the Against the Stream Center in LA

mile markers. looking back a year ago to today.... the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley sangha has morphed, grown, shared, hosted retreats, put forth workshops, helped those in need... especially me.

it has been an HONOR and HUMBLING to be given the gift of facilitating this group.

please, come tomorrow and celebrate our One Year Anniversary. share in the gratitude I feel that our group continues to meet every week. without you guys, my practice wouldn't have progressed to the place it is now, a year older, becoming a sophomore, growing up, altering, changing and shaping things so differently.

big shout outs to EVERYONE who has EVER sat with us, even for just one time.

special request, please bring a reading to share with the group tomorrow. tomorrow's meditation is a special guided forgiveness meditation.

I METTA U Guys so so so so so much, and thank you for being a part of our Sangha!

jai bhagwan!

elissa jane

crossing the Equator

when we visited Africa back in 1991, one of the highlights was crossing the Equator. we traveled the Kenyan countryside in a van, exploring various parks and sights starting with the north and working our way south. the Equator pit stop was certainly a seasoned tourist attraction. our guide brought us through a village called Nanyuki, which catered to "our kind" complete with a gift shop. in the midst of the commercialism, we stood in front of a giant yellow sign adorned with a giant black red and green Africa symbol with "EQUATOR" stamped across the middle in bright red. I still have the photo.

one of the highlights of that day, was a demonstration with three little matchsticks and a bucket of water. our guide put the bucket down about 10 meters from the equator, and dropped the matchsticks into the bucket which had holes on the bottom for drainage. on the north side of the Equator, the water turned clockwise. as we crossed the equator, the water changed direction and turned counter clockwise.

my sister and I giggled, wondering if we'd ever look at a toilet the same again. the rest of the trip we spent on the southern part of Kenya, where, my sister and I flushed many a matchstick giggling with delight at the turn of events.

today I was thinking about my life and reflecting a little on life before and after my "Cleansing My Karma" light bulb moment.

before, my life was turning clockwise, a succession of choices leading me down a destined path. everything I willfully created and controlled, no matter how skillful, seemed to lead me to the same result. over and over, doing life in that way, lead me to that unenlightened place where dukka turned clockwise.

when I made the decision to take on meditation and buddhist practice and chose a spiritual way, the little sticks stood still, and then slowly began to turn another way.

slowly, my flow is moving counter clockwise. not so dissimilar from the Against the Stream theory. the work I'm doing is counter intuitive. it takes great courage and strength to not wallow in the dark, and stick with old habits in the clockwise spiral.

slowly, gradually, with slight fluidity, I'm learning that doing the right thing becomes easier, on the verge of intuitive. going counter clockwise is beginning to feel a little more comfortable, and doesn't look as strange when I peer into the vortex of the current.

I've flushed quite a few toilets since crossing the equator. I suspect, I have many many more flushes ahead of me.

coming to terms with the wreckage of my past may or may not just flow easily, like water turning down a drain. at least, for now, it's a different action, creating a different result. that has to be positive. undoubtedly, I'm guessing I'll need to break out the plunger many more times as I cross the equator into the other hemisphere.

totally forgot I was doing this Year to Live thing

early fall is always a turning point for me. sometimes it is gentle, but in this case, it was abrupt. the past month or so has been incredibly challenging. like the hardest my life has been for some time.

I've made some big choices, and transitions this year. Because of this practice, I stood up for myself in my professional life, applied and got into Bard, took on facilitator training, changed the Dharma Punx HV group to a longer format and took some big steps forward in my recovery. Man, I'm out of breath just typing this out loud.

Last month, my momentum seized. I've hit some big stumbling stones with parenting issues, entering the student population, my ex/divorce being expedited, getting back into freelance work and the layers of new stuff coming up. I've allowed these things to get in my way.

of course, here's the part where I remind myself... the greatest steps towards enlightenment come from the deepest moments of suffering.

with all the transition I've been facing, I forgot all about my Year to Live practice. it was as though I swept it under the rug hoping no one would trip on the giant lump in the middle of the proverbial floor.

what I didn't anticipate, was that the person stumbling would be me.

in my effort to tackle all these life changes, I totally let my simple meditation practice slip away. I had declared to take part in a 90/90 sit, increase my practice in the earlier part of fall, and become even more spiritual.

like a good little junkie, I got into it hard and burned out fast.

this is a little indicative of how I've approached my Year to Live practice.

but wait...

I'm dying, right? I can't get out of dying. I must trudge on.

they say, every time you bring your awareness back to your breath, you have a little awakening.

I'd like to think that I am having a little awakening now. it's time to bring my practice back, and be aware of the Year to Live practice I've committed to.

to my credit, I have been working on my amends, and cleaning up some mess. my acceptance of the divorce is huge. instead of fighting and prolonging, I've offered divorce to my ex as my amends. no fighting.

it all started with "I'm cleansing my Karma". it's time to get back to that and remember why I have chosen this path.

while my awareness of my Year to Live practice has waned the past month, I guess I need to acknowledge that I'm still doing it. I am making my amends, and cleaning up the things I want to take care of before I die.

just need to bring it back to my breath. Today. Breathe in. Breathe out.

when the black sheep changes colors

this is a very difficult entry to post.

a few years ago, when I began to practice Buddhism regularly, I experienced a certain relief. making a practice of doing the next right thing, cleansing my karma, walking away from drama and choosing not to fight have all brought me a sense of peace.

unfortunately, I'm still me. I do react. my monkey mind is actively working it's way inside my head. I feel, and now that I'm sober, I feel deeply.

as I move forward with my practice, I see and experience greater challenges in my quest to cleanse my karma and reduce suffering.

there are milestones and markers where I see how much I've transformed in such a short period of time. friends share with me that they notice differences in my demeanor. I feel calm, I bring many moments back to my breath. I too can see a changes from the outside in and inside out.

unfortunately, there are still the "triggers". the instigators of my darkest pain and character defects. the people I look to repeatedly looking for unconditional love, who only disappoint me with ridicule and pain.

it is hard to imagine that anyone would want to and work so hard to be so hurtful to me, especially when I've just tried to love them.

my family. sigh. they bring me more suffering than anyone else. they choose to judge me and bring up my greatest pain and self-judgment. no matter what I do to improve myself, be a better person, contribute to society, raise an amazing child, be in service... no matter what generous effort I make, their response is riddled with accusations and abuse.

in the classic psychological portfolio of a family of addiction, I am "the scapegoat". to avoid putting their attention on the real issue, they turn their attention to me.

so.... what happens when the black sheep works to better herself and change the color of her coat?

the more work I do to improve myself and my contribution to the world, the more difficult my relationship with my family has become.

instead of praise, applause and encouragement, I've received a host of emails and IMs where my family has determined I'm certifiably insane!

I told them first of my Year to Live practice, and how important it was for me to make amends for the past with them. to make peace and work on improving my relationship with them.

in response, they've decided I'm stark raving mad and need help.

I guess no one is going to throw me a parade and no one is going to bother to change just because I am.

so, I detach with Love. I think of them in my Metta practice, and pray for them and have compassion that their suffering ends before it's too late.

I may die without them. but at least, I will have recognized that I made an effort to repair a relationship with my toxic family.

the year isn't over. who's to say there's no more time. but at this moment, it seems pretty hopeless that relationships can be changed with those who refuse to see me as Me.

middle way

one of the greatest issues for me, was coming to terms with my life as it "is".

each day, I prepared myself to accept that my life is what it is supposed to be, and that dying wasn't going to give me a chance to change it.

with all the work I have to do in the coming months to prepare for my departure, I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to face myself in the end and feel I really did the work fully.

FEAR... stood in my way of making changes.

but the Universe, opened that door for me.

the chains have been broken....

throughout this past week, I've seen the pendulum swing back and forth in the highs and lows. I've often said throughout my life, "With the highest highs, come the lowest lows." this concept can be applied to just about anything, especially when something really Great happens, something extra Crappy happens to balance it out.

in the past months of my practice, I've been looking to find things like serenity, peace, calm, life sans drama, or as some might put it.... The Middle Way.

with life altering events occurring in my present state, I am at a Turning Point. at this very moment, doors are being opened. there are many options.

but I am doing what I've been practicing for the past few years, and trying to just do the Next Right Thing.

in this moment, in this very second, I'm entering a new chapter. opportunity has presented itself.

for the first time in my life, I'm going to sit back and take care of my soul first, my spirituality and heart get priority.

I am working towards finding my way back to the breath, and in turn, finding my path down the Middle Way. my goal is to break from the prison of the high highs and low lows, delete myself from my addiction to drama and extreme emotion... and find peace in chillage on a whole other level.

there is much more to say, and I'll be writing as I'm working through this experience. life is presenting a whole new thing.. something new... it is not an end... but an opening... a chance to get it right.... for all the times I've said, "I wish someone would just give me a chance." Someone has.

you can't always get what you want

as I thought about whether or not I'd really try this practice out.... I had the expectation that I'd be getting a dying woman's wish from each of the important people I shared my "news" with.

I envisioned my family and certain friends to want to "give" me something I've secretly wanted.... I imagined my mom in a present, emotional and connected moment giving me the Mother Daughter connection I've craved for forty years. in a life close to death, I thought I would be able to be with my family on vacation. somehow, I pictured my ex declaring he’d get sober. my son would be the perfect child. friends would rally to spend more time with me. yes, all this and that I would have permission to be and do life totally differently.

.... but, life hasn't changed. my life and its circumstances are the same. it is just me that is changing.

the only expectations I can put on anything or anyone is on myself to put the work into the practice.

just because I'm dying, doesn't mean I'm going to find a last moment of falling in love bliss, or the career move of a lifetime, or that poignant moment where my mother tells me how proud she is of me.

no, I can’t always get what I want.
no, I’m not going to just get what I want because of the fantastic notions that I’m going to have my dying wishes befall me.

I’ve been pulling away from pressuring myself to do the twelve-step thing and to focus on this practice solely. in an effort to streamline my frenetic excitement and zest for sober life, I’ve decided to commit myself solely to my Buddhist practice and let the other ideas like learning to ride a motorcycle, join the roller derby and other big notions take a back seat to this idea of focusing solely on my practice and on this quest to clean my Karma.

while I’m not really getting anything new or different, per say, I am at the precipice for an opportunity I never really imagined….

I’ve been asked by that other fellowship to lead morning meditation at a recovery retreat. Next month, I will be co-facilitating another Dharma Punx retreat. in a few more weeks I’ll be on a plane to LA to begin my facilitator training with Noah. there is the weekly group in Ktown I formed, which continues to morph and grow.

looking ahead beyond my routine are grand opportunities for me to pass on the message, share sangha and practice. I get to be in service to others.

nothing outside of myself will fill my “god shaped hole” in my heart.

I can work replace a little bit of other people’s pain by giving my heart freely and openly. I can offer Metta… and in turn… put love out, instead of feeling like I need to have Love come in. I am not a car that needs to run on some sort of Love Fuel, but I can be a source of compassion and love for others and make this world a little better by caring about other people’s pain and suffering.

no, I’m not really getting what I want by dying. But, knowing that I’m dying makes me think about my mark on the world. I can get what I need by being in service and sharing the dharma with others.

it may be cliché, but thinking of the Stones tune as I think of my future funeral sort of makes me realize…. in my passage towards death, I might actually get what I need.

questioning gratitude

I've learned to see the gratitude in many things. I have had many days where I've been able to steer myself back to feeling grateful for the life I have. I mean, what's not to be grateful for, right?

It isn't that hard to look at what I have, and find gratitude in the skeleton that makes up my life and the simple things around me that are enough. Let's review the components here;

My health
My son
My home
My country lifestyle
My job
My friends & family
My spiritual practice


Check, check, check, etc... I have the essentials a person needs to live, and live comfortably enough.

But with a year to live, I find myself deeply analyzing and reevaluating each of these components. I thought I had such immense gratitude because I thought my journey was right where it needs to be. But now I'm dying, with less than a year left, I feel GRIEF! Loss! Resentment! Frustration!

Instead of moseying along with gratitude for what I have, I'm feeling the empty holes of what I think is missing.

For the first time in a long time, I feel great dissatisfaction with the way my life is. The essentials may not be enough.

The question now.... what am I gonna do about it?

Yesterday, I received some very troubling news about my son and his struggles in school. I began to look at my life and the life I am giving him. Because I'm in the beginning stages of my Year to Live practice, I'm taking this on with a sense of urgency. Like I need to sort this out fast and come up with a long term solution because I need to know my son will be ok after I'm gone.

This has launched a probe into all aspects of my life. What do I need to do to make it right, RIGHT NOW. There isn't much time and it's got to be resolved.

Am I living the life I truly want to. How much power to I have to change it? and... Can my will do the work, or do I have to continue working through the forces of the universe.

I'm definitely feeling fear, despair and a change of perspective.

For today, my gratitude is taking a back seat. I am looking at my life, and defining it with totality and finality.