Last Will... living or otherwise

My name is Elissa Jane Mastel, I'm a divorced woman, and this is my last will.

I have a child, Zoren Mastel born 2002 that I want to provide for.

Anything I have in regards to finances or property will automatically transfer to Zoren. My life insurance policy, mutual funds, savings, etc... All go to the Zman. There is a college fund set up in his name as well.

I name my mother Doris Hillman and my ex-husband Randall Mastel as co-executors of my estate. Robert S. Hillman is named as the alternate executor of my estate.

I award legal guardianship of my son to Randall Mastel & Doris Hillman, and name my sister Rachel Hillman as the alternate.

Rachel Hillman is the trustee for the child trust created by this Will.

Burial Instructions

I wish to be cremated. I want to be cremated and thrown into the ocean from a high cliff. You can put a bench there for people to sit on in my name. There should be music, and I want you to play "Lucky" by Radiohead as you spread my ashes into the ocean. It can be any beach or sea, I just want to make sure I end up back from where man came from... the water.

I want the service to be performed by my family, no religious person or denomination shall be present. I'd like there to be a 10 minute silent meditation after I'm put in the ocean, just quiet.

that's it....

Z says....

tonight, Zman came home from his Dad's, and we had a wonderful almost last night together. I cooked dinner, and we watched the latest Star Trek movie.

we cuddled on the couch, took a break to see the fireflies glittering up the hazy rainy night, stayed up late, and I let him curl up and fall asleep on me as though he were still my little baby. he insisted on sleeping in my bed, as this could be the last night he gets to snuggle me. I obliged.

as we curled up, and snuggled up in my bed, he made the following observations, which I feel sum up my Year to Live Practice very well;

• The year went very fast, I remember everything. All the details. It seems like you just started yesterday.
• You're different because you don't just sit on the couch and do nothing, you're a good mommy and you play with me now.
• I like that you try all these new things, like the snowboarding, going to the gym and surfing and that you got me to learn those things with you too.
• You used to be so angry all the time, like mean and angry and now you're not.
• The mornings are cool because you don't yell so much anymore.
• I like that you do stuff with me, like play games and hang out like a real mommy.
• And the most important part is that you seem really happy a lot, and that's really cool.
  
• I'm glad you're not really dying, but if you were it would go so fast. I'm glad we played this game, because it was scary but good at the same time.
• I Love You Mamma.

and that sums up my son's experience... and frankly, the little guy is pretty spot on as usual.

I'm filled with GRATITUDE that this experience was so inclusive of him, and that he and I morphed together during this journey.

he promised, next time if I'm really dying, he'll snuggle me every night, even if he's all grown up.

if I didn't have this year on the line, I might not have had the wake up call about changing the way I parent. it brings me so much joy that my son has a mindful and present mom. I love being Z's mom, and I'm so glad I didn't let another second go by where I took that for granted.

home stretch

I've tried to write this entry about 5 times in the past couple of days. Without using any references, I would easily believe that nothing has really changed over the past year. That I didn't do enough, step up my spiritual practice enough, mediate enough or really refer to the course as it was laid out in the book correctly.

Without a lot of effort, I can easily muster up self-judgment that I didn't do this last year 'right'.

But how do you die correctly? Is there a right and wrong as to how I was supposed to do this?

In reality, if I look back to a year ago and compare it to today, there is NO QUESTION that I have definitely made some life altering changes this year, and that the motivation was the Year to Live Practice.

Last night, I gave myself one of my few remaining dying wishes, and saw Michael Franti Live one more time with my good friends. A year ago, we had all gone to see anther concert... same group... different Me. As I stood among the masses of people, sometimes in the company of one, or alone, or with the entire group, I realized how different I was from last year to now. I've found ease, and gentleness in my social circle. I can be effervescent and say nothing at the same time. I can just be, and I have found comfort in my skin as never before.

The darkness and loneliness I have wallowed in for so many years has lifted. I have unloaded toxic behaviors beyond my drinking and drugging.

The feeling of attachment and the "need" for an elusive something has slipped away.

I have found serenity, and connection to not just my friends but to people. My metta practice has grown, I am able to offer compassion, understanding, joy and light to others. It's not some bullshit hippie thing, but something that has emerged for me and brings me peace.

I've broken through layers of fear that have prevented me from connecting to the present moment. Mindfulness comes a little more naturally. Last night, it was as though I was fully there, in my body, without the effort my less trained mind has had to put forth in the past.

Dancing in the crowd... getting closer and closer to the stage... feeling the music, each song, each beat... letting go of everything but the present moment, I was able to really really enjoy the night. More and more, I'm cognoscente of when I'm mindful and have a little more ease being in a state of mindfulness.

So, how much time is left? a little over a week.

Yeah, there are some things I'd hoped to experience this year that didn't happen. I didn't fall in love. I didn't fully transform my career path. My house is still messy. I didn't lose the weight entirely (but I've decided the 41 by 41 can be during the year I am 41, see softening and gentleness for me).

Those things are minor in comparison to what I have accomplished.... a year at Bard on full scholarship, almost done with DP Facilitator Training, a year of being in service offering meditation, an improved relationship with my son, I made the big amends to my parents and ex-husband, taking care of myself and focusing on me, and yeah, I didn't really fall 'in love' but, I have definitely learned to Love Me. That seems so much more important in the grand scheme.

With a week to go, there are a few details to attend to; the will and my funeral plans.