life after death isn't really all it's cracked up to be.
after putting so much effort to make the most out of my life, I found myself creeping right back into the old patterns I thought I had left behind. it was unreasonable and unfair to myself to assume that I was transformed to such an extent that everything would be ultimately different. its not.
Life hasn't changed!
ok, maybe I'm being a bit of a drama queen here, but I did find myself going back into some old patterns that I worked so hard to get out of the Year I died.
before I died, I was working for a micro-managing abusive boss in a toxic work environment that was going to kill me if I didn't kill myself first. I swore, I'd never allow myself to work in a toxic workplace again.
maybe that is the point, that all workplaces are toxic to some degree, but I think it is something else. it is a kind of person that I work for, the micro manager that slowly abuses me and verbally harms me with words that are difficult to pull myself out from under.
if you hadn't heard, I lost a job I was pretty psyched about last week. I jumped right in and worked very hard from the starting gate. by day three, my new boss was telling me, "I don't know if this is going to work," and I heard her say this over and over and over.
by the time we got to six weeks, my fear in approaching her or talking to her about anything related to my performance was evolving, and I could feel that painful twang and fear I had felt before at 'the restaurant'. it was amazing, how could two totally different people have the same motivational tactic that caused me so much strife?
school started last week, and it was understood I'd be returning on August 30th. after putting off some very serious administrative issues I had no choice but to put me first and go deal with the paperwork. while running around like a chicken with its head cut off, literally, I was asking myself, what the fuck did I die for?
what's more important? and I realized, while crying my eyes out trying to fix my account with student accounts, how badly I wanted to be back in school and the big priority completing my education is to ME.
I didn't die to beg another stupid boss to treat me like a human being and allow me to a good job and notice me. I died to live my life in a way that was fruitful, and productive. There was a commitment I made to myself when I died, and one of those gifts was my education and finishing my degree at Bard.
I made other commitments. I finish my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training next weekend! there's my commitment to practice and the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group. to be healthy, eat better, be more compassionate, be in service, do more yoga, work out at the gym, spend time with my son, be a great mom.
this summer after my death, I did 'Me' half assed because I was in fear. I tip toed around Me because I was scrambling and afraid that I couldn't support my son and I. in reality, I missed out on a lot of the promises and plans I made to myself, my kiddo, and my community.
In my mind, I keep hearing myself say, "what the fuck did I die for?"
I've been wanting to respond to the question on this blog, but up until this morning at 8am on a holiday sunday, it hit me... I DIED FOR ME and it is time to get back to that commitment and honor it.
last night, the topic of the unmentionable meeting was about putting 'sobriety' first. I challenge that idea and say that it is really more about putting 'ME' first. if you're a working mom like me, you know that ain't easy. it takes immense practice to put 'ME' ahead of other things.
when I got let go from my beloved new job via voicemail, where I was called unprofessional, by voicemail (WTF!) not only was I sad, angry, hurt, betrayed and dismayed....... (NOTE: Clearly I'm writing this with a lot of resentments still and I'm aware that there are many lessons here for me) I was also RELIEVED! sounds crazy right? I was let go of having to please someone else who was setting me up to fail as a form of motivation. I could stop running on a hamster wheel, and get back to the life I died for.
after our annual three week summer break, I get my Zman back today. I offered to get him a day early so we could 'hang' out and spend some time together before he starts school on Tuesday. I'm putting this down on proverbial paper, to say, I want to insure that I'm honoring my commitment to be present and honor my little kiddo.
so let's review the gifts of death I was so happy about only three months ago;
my motherhood, which is a miracle
my spiritual practice, meditation, yoga
my body, working out, eating more compassionately
my spiritual training, completing my Facilitator Training
my education, back in school
my family, I still need to make amends to my sister
maybe I need to create a 'Grateful to be Dead' list and keep it handy, so I can continue to remind myself what I reincarnated back to this life for. hmmmm...... that sounds like a good idea!
it feels as though I died years ago. it was really easy to get away from the importance of my death and the lessons that came with it. the transitions of the past week were substantial, and I'm very thankful for the wake up call to get back into my life and honor the things that are true to ME.
Showing posts with label plans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label plans. Show all posts
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Last Will... living or otherwise
My name is Elissa Jane Mastel, I'm a divorced woman, and this is my last will.
I have a child, Zoren Mastel born 2002 that I want to provide for.
Anything I have in regards to finances or property will automatically transfer to Zoren. My life insurance policy, mutual funds, savings, etc... All go to the Zman. There is a college fund set up in his name as well.
I name my mother Doris Hillman and my ex-husband Randall Mastel as co-executors of my estate. Robert S. Hillman is named as the alternate executor of my estate.
I award legal guardianship of my son to Randall Mastel & Doris Hillman, and name my sister Rachel Hillman as the alternate.
Rachel Hillman is the trustee for the child trust created by this Will.
Burial Instructions
I wish to be cremated. I want to be cremated and thrown into the ocean from a high cliff. You can put a bench there for people to sit on in my name. There should be music, and I want you to play "Lucky" by Radiohead as you spread my ashes into the ocean. It can be any beach or sea, I just want to make sure I end up back from where man came from... the water.
I want the service to be performed by my family, no religious person or denomination shall be present. I'd like there to be a 10 minute silent meditation after I'm put in the ocean, just quiet.
that's it....
I have a child, Zoren Mastel born 2002 that I want to provide for.
Anything I have in regards to finances or property will automatically transfer to Zoren. My life insurance policy, mutual funds, savings, etc... All go to the Zman. There is a college fund set up in his name as well.
I name my mother Doris Hillman and my ex-husband Randall Mastel as co-executors of my estate. Robert S. Hillman is named as the alternate executor of my estate.
I award legal guardianship of my son to Randall Mastel & Doris Hillman, and name my sister Rachel Hillman as the alternate.
Rachel Hillman is the trustee for the child trust created by this Will.
Burial Instructions
I wish to be cremated. I want to be cremated and thrown into the ocean from a high cliff. You can put a bench there for people to sit on in my name. There should be music, and I want you to play "Lucky" by Radiohead as you spread my ashes into the ocean. It can be any beach or sea, I just want to make sure I end up back from where man came from... the water.
I want the service to be performed by my family, no religious person or denomination shall be present. I'd like there to be a 10 minute silent meditation after I'm put in the ocean, just quiet.
that's it....
Z says....
tonight, Zman came home from his Dad's, and we had a wonderful almost last night together. I cooked dinner, and we watched the latest Star Trek movie.
we cuddled on the couch, took a break to see the fireflies glittering up the hazy rainy night, stayed up late, and I let him curl up and fall asleep on me as though he were still my little baby. he insisted on sleeping in my bed, as this could be the last night he gets to snuggle me. I obliged.
as we curled up, and snuggled up in my bed, he made the following observations, which I feel sum up my Year to Live Practice very well;
I'm filled with GRATITUDE that this experience was so inclusive of him, and that he and I morphed together during this journey.
he promised, next time if I'm really dying, he'll snuggle me every night, even if he's all grown up.
if I didn't have this year on the line, I might not have had the wake up call about changing the way I parent. it brings me so much joy that my son has a mindful and present mom. I love being Z's mom, and I'm so glad I didn't let another second go by where I took that for granted.
we cuddled on the couch, took a break to see the fireflies glittering up the hazy rainy night, stayed up late, and I let him curl up and fall asleep on me as though he were still my little baby. he insisted on sleeping in my bed, as this could be the last night he gets to snuggle me. I obliged.
as we curled up, and snuggled up in my bed, he made the following observations, which I feel sum up my Year to Live Practice very well;
- The year went very fast, I remember everything. All the details. It seems like you just started yesterday.
- You're different because you don't just sit on the couch and do nothing, you're a good mommy and you play with me now.
- I like that you try all these new things, like the snowboarding, going to the gym and surfing and that you got me to learn those things with you too.
- You used to be so angry all the time, like mean and angry and now you're not.
- The mornings are cool because you don't yell so much anymore.
- I like that you do stuff with me, like play games and hang out like a real mommy.
- And the most important part is that you seem really happy a lot, and that's really cool.
- I'm glad you're not really dying, but if you were it would go so fast. I'm glad we played this game, because it was scary but good at the same time.
- I Love You Mamma.
I'm filled with GRATITUDE that this experience was so inclusive of him, and that he and I morphed together during this journey.
he promised, next time if I'm really dying, he'll snuggle me every night, even if he's all grown up.
if I didn't have this year on the line, I might not have had the wake up call about changing the way I parent. it brings me so much joy that my son has a mindful and present mom. I love being Z's mom, and I'm so glad I didn't let another second go by where I took that for granted.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Unfulfilled Love
tonight, I spent the night strolling the boardwalk by the beach, with a few tears in my eyes. as I count down the final week of my life, there is one thing I didn't get to have....
I didn't find Love before I Die.
ok... it was a wish, not something I could really control, but there it is.
if I were really to die next week, I'd be emphatically sad that I didn't have the chance to find Love again.
there are no soul mates, I don't believe in fairy tales like that. if there was a "The One" then I'd have blown through quite a few "The Ones" already and thus, used up my soul mate allowance for a lifetime.
true love is more like a brilliant mathamatical biological puzzle to me;
timing+chemistry=Love
Love is Elusive, that Chemistry feels unique each time, because there are so few men out there uniquely compatible to me.
let's face it, I'm really really weird, different, not traditionally 'pretty', really smart like Mensa smart and a tinge of wackdoodle crazy. there aren't a lot of chicks out there like me, and typically I'm not what most guys visually look for. I'm an unusual flavor, difficult to categorize and match up. I refuse to play the rules, pretend to be dim witted, lay down as a submissive helpless female and dumb myself down to attract a mate. if men only knew how calculating most women are in affairs of the heart. I'm genuinely terrible at that game.
two years ago, I met someone who really got it about me, someone that had that chemistry and spark, that passion and intellectual and spiritual curiosity. the connection was undeniable.... and, I blew it. and here I am, on the verge of imminent death, and of all the regrets I could be grappling with, the one thing I am most sad about on this windy summer evening on the beach... how I messed up, how I blew it two years ago and how badly I want to make amends before I die. I will tell you that I have tried, on more than a few occasions to reach out and apologize for the way I sabotaged this chance at the real thing. as he said to me, "this just doesn't happen every day."
and I blew it.
since then, before then, and up to now, I haven't met anyone who plays at my heart strings quite like this man did.
two years later, on my virtual deathbed, and I long for the man who got away, and feel incredibly sad that Love eluded me after all this time.
the Buddha taught us that it is our attachments that cause us suffering and that everything is impermanent. so how do I cope with my biological urge to want to be coupled with a partner. is this an attachment I need to let go of? do I need to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life in order to evade suffering the attachment so someone else might cause me? there's a loophole here. we are meant to be coupled, it is our animal nature to crave coupling. so by going against this, would I be more spiritual?
I could become a monastic, separate myself from real life and remove the temptation of falling in Love. but that isn't being true to myself. I am a woman, in the real world and I want to be open to the feelings of wanting to be coupled. it seems so natural, biological, something we all want.
they can write a million dating books for women, telling women to be bitches, withhold sex, pretend not to care, etc... but the reality is...
We Have NO Control over LOVE and how it comes or when. if one has to manipulate a mate, then it just isn't Love in my opinion. so my dying want is a wish, not something I can control. it is not my fault that I am not in love right now or partnered. it is just the way it is for me now.
there is nothing I could have done differently this year that would have brought me love sooner. LOVE is something that comes to you in its time, unfortunately, it didn't come in My Time.
sigh.
I didn't find Love before I Die.
ok... it was a wish, not something I could really control, but there it is.
if I were really to die next week, I'd be emphatically sad that I didn't have the chance to find Love again.
there are no soul mates, I don't believe in fairy tales like that. if there was a "The One" then I'd have blown through quite a few "The Ones" already and thus, used up my soul mate allowance for a lifetime.
true love is more like a brilliant mathamatical biological puzzle to me;
timing+chemistry=Love
Love is Elusive, that Chemistry feels unique each time, because there are so few men out there uniquely compatible to me.
let's face it, I'm really really weird, different, not traditionally 'pretty', really smart like Mensa smart and a tinge of wackdoodle crazy. there aren't a lot of chicks out there like me, and typically I'm not what most guys visually look for. I'm an unusual flavor, difficult to categorize and match up. I refuse to play the rules, pretend to be dim witted, lay down as a submissive helpless female and dumb myself down to attract a mate. if men only knew how calculating most women are in affairs of the heart. I'm genuinely terrible at that game.
two years ago, I met someone who really got it about me, someone that had that chemistry and spark, that passion and intellectual and spiritual curiosity. the connection was undeniable.... and, I blew it. and here I am, on the verge of imminent death, and of all the regrets I could be grappling with, the one thing I am most sad about on this windy summer evening on the beach... how I messed up, how I blew it two years ago and how badly I want to make amends before I die. I will tell you that I have tried, on more than a few occasions to reach out and apologize for the way I sabotaged this chance at the real thing. as he said to me, "this just doesn't happen every day."
and I blew it.
since then, before then, and up to now, I haven't met anyone who plays at my heart strings quite like this man did.
two years later, on my virtual deathbed, and I long for the man who got away, and feel incredibly sad that Love eluded me after all this time.
the Buddha taught us that it is our attachments that cause us suffering and that everything is impermanent. so how do I cope with my biological urge to want to be coupled with a partner. is this an attachment I need to let go of? do I need to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life in order to evade suffering the attachment so someone else might cause me? there's a loophole here. we are meant to be coupled, it is our animal nature to crave coupling. so by going against this, would I be more spiritual?
I could become a monastic, separate myself from real life and remove the temptation of falling in Love. but that isn't being true to myself. I am a woman, in the real world and I want to be open to the feelings of wanting to be coupled. it seems so natural, biological, something we all want.
they can write a million dating books for women, telling women to be bitches, withhold sex, pretend not to care, etc... but the reality is...
We Have NO Control over LOVE and how it comes or when. if one has to manipulate a mate, then it just isn't Love in my opinion. so my dying want is a wish, not something I can control. it is not my fault that I am not in love right now or partnered. it is just the way it is for me now.
there is nothing I could have done differently this year that would have brought me love sooner. LOVE is something that comes to you in its time, unfortunately, it didn't come in My Time.
sigh.
Friday, June 4, 2010
home stretch
I've tried to write this entry about 5 times in the past couple of days. Without using any references, I would easily believe that nothing has really changed over the past year. That I didn't do enough, step up my spiritual practice enough, mediate enough or really refer to the course as it was laid out in the book correctly.
Without a lot of effort, I can easily muster up self-judgment that I didn't do this last year 'right'.
But how do you die correctly? Is there a right and wrong as to how I was supposed to do this?
In reality, if I look back to a year ago and compare it to today, there is NO QUESTION that I have definitely made some life altering changes this year, and that the motivation was the Year to Live Practice.
Last night, I gave myself one of my few remaining dying wishes, and saw Michael Franti Live one more time with my good friends. A year ago, we had all gone to see anther concert... same group... different Me. As I stood among the masses of people, sometimes in the company of one, or alone, or with the entire group, I realized how different I was from last year to now. I've found ease, and gentleness in my social circle. I can be effervescent and say nothing at the same time. I can just be, and I have found comfort in my skin as never before.
The darkness and loneliness I have wallowed in for so many years has lifted. I have unloaded toxic behaviors beyond my drinking and drugging.
The feeling of attachment and the "need" for an elusive something has slipped away.
I have found serenity, and connection to not just my friends but to people. My metta practice has grown, I am able to offer compassion, understanding, joy and light to others. It's not some bullshit hippie thing, but something that has emerged for me and brings me peace.
I've broken through layers of fear that have prevented me from connecting to the present moment. Mindfulness comes a little more naturally. Last night, it was as though I was fully there, in my body, without the effort my less trained mind has had to put forth in the past.
Dancing in the crowd... getting closer and closer to the stage... feeling the music, each song, each beat... letting go of everything but the present moment, I was able to really really enjoy the night. More and more, I'm cognoscente of when I'm mindful and have a little more ease being in a state of mindfulness.
So, how much time is left? a little over a week.
Yeah, there are some things I'd hoped to experience this year that didn't happen. I didn't fall in love. I didn't fully transform my career path. My house is still messy. I didn't lose the weight entirely (but I've decided the 41 by 41 can be during the year I am 41, see softening and gentleness for me).
Those things are minor in comparison to what I have accomplished.... a year at Bard on full scholarship, almost done with DP Facilitator Training, a year of being in service offering meditation, an improved relationship with my son, I made the big amends to my parents and ex-husband, taking care of myself and focusing on me, and yeah, I didn't really fall 'in love' but, I have definitely learned to Love Me. That seems so much more important in the grand scheme.
With a week to go, there are a few details to attend to; the will and my funeral plans.
Without a lot of effort, I can easily muster up self-judgment that I didn't do this last year 'right'.
But how do you die correctly? Is there a right and wrong as to how I was supposed to do this?
In reality, if I look back to a year ago and compare it to today, there is NO QUESTION that I have definitely made some life altering changes this year, and that the motivation was the Year to Live Practice.
Last night, I gave myself one of my few remaining dying wishes, and saw Michael Franti Live one more time with my good friends. A year ago, we had all gone to see anther concert... same group... different Me. As I stood among the masses of people, sometimes in the company of one, or alone, or with the entire group, I realized how different I was from last year to now. I've found ease, and gentleness in my social circle. I can be effervescent and say nothing at the same time. I can just be, and I have found comfort in my skin as never before.
The darkness and loneliness I have wallowed in for so many years has lifted. I have unloaded toxic behaviors beyond my drinking and drugging.
The feeling of attachment and the "need" for an elusive something has slipped away.
I have found serenity, and connection to not just my friends but to people. My metta practice has grown, I am able to offer compassion, understanding, joy and light to others. It's not some bullshit hippie thing, but something that has emerged for me and brings me peace.
I've broken through layers of fear that have prevented me from connecting to the present moment. Mindfulness comes a little more naturally. Last night, it was as though I was fully there, in my body, without the effort my less trained mind has had to put forth in the past.
Dancing in the crowd... getting closer and closer to the stage... feeling the music, each song, each beat... letting go of everything but the present moment, I was able to really really enjoy the night. More and more, I'm cognoscente of when I'm mindful and have a little more ease being in a state of mindfulness.
So, how much time is left? a little over a week.
Yeah, there are some things I'd hoped to experience this year that didn't happen. I didn't fall in love. I didn't fully transform my career path. My house is still messy. I didn't lose the weight entirely (but I've decided the 41 by 41 can be during the year I am 41, see softening and gentleness for me).
Those things are minor in comparison to what I have accomplished.... a year at Bard on full scholarship, almost done with DP Facilitator Training, a year of being in service offering meditation, an improved relationship with my son, I made the big amends to my parents and ex-husband, taking care of myself and focusing on me, and yeah, I didn't really fall 'in love' but, I have definitely learned to Love Me. That seems so much more important in the grand scheme.
With a week to go, there are a few details to attend to; the will and my funeral plans.
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