but, I'm POWERLESS

last week
it snowed
our internet went out
our phone shut down
our power turned off

we hudled in the dark
without the comforts we have grown attached to

the snow continued to fall
fall and fall
forcing us
to stay put, and deal with being home without the distractions that make emotional escape possible

no Tetris
no DVDs
no Phone
no iChatting
no Noisemaker
no Screens to tune out in front of

just us, in the darkened hazy stormy daylight barely cracking through the storm

these severe conditions
would have been enough to force us to grab sharp objects
and kill one and other
but ....

we didn't

I thought of my practice
what I wanted
and how I wanted my son to remember these days
stuck at home
with his Mommy

when the frustrations of cabin fever would grow
I looked at him and said, "I don't want to be that yelly mommy, let's come up with a code word. When we say it, we both Have to Laugh!"

"Banana Peels"

and so, it was settled
whenever one of us got testy, we'd say, "Banana Peels" and whether or not I felt like it, I'd laugh out loud
and then we'd giggle
and feel better

we struggled through the week, it wasn't easy
we curled up and slept in the small bed in my son's room and clutched each other for warmth
and there were moments I really thought I'd gone totally nuts
but we were Powerless
literally without Power

we had no choice

so I made the most of it
and loved each moment
and tried not to beat myself up for all the things I wasn't accomplishing

I had a lot of homework for school and my very late homework for Facilitator Training due
it didn't get done
and for that
I'm struggling

did I meditate?

um, NO
not the way I would have liked to
I was so uneasy
overtired
bad diet
bad sleep
cold
uncomfortable

but.... being Powerless did bring my son and I a very powerful bonding experience
and making the moments with my son count
has been a huge part of my practice this year

I made a promise to my son, to be on the computer less
and present for him more

this past week, he got his wish
NO computer
and 100% non-stop Mommy and Me time

2010

with the turning of the clocks
ending the first decade of the millennium
I realize I only have about five months left

in the first six months of this journey, I made so many abrupt changes
and the universe also lent me a hand
I took off to Puerto Rico for my inaugural end of life adventure
my toxic job was terminated
my new life as Bardian Student began
my son's struggles with school got settled
I got my divorce papers

this year, for New Year's Eve
I orchestrated a New Year's Eve Dharma Punx Gathering in the mountains
and rung in the New Year silently in meditation with my sangha, friends new and old
as we opened our eyes, the snow was falling in the light of the blue moon while fireworks exploded in the distance
I had never celebrated the New Year in silence, and never expected the experience to be truly peaceful
part of me felt that I had manifested a magical feeling, but I was willing to go with it and allow it to cycle through me

my son was with my Mom, and it seemed as though he was very far away, and I missed him on New Years. we had such a wonderful holiday time together, but I also needed my time to be still. this just doesn't happen with him in the house.

I've made my amends to my ex-husband as promised. without a struggle, I signed divorce papers, executed, notarized, sent and he filed them today. it is my sincere wish, that by agreeing and not contesting, and giving him the divorce, he will feel the closure he's seeking. I'm pretty surprised how painful it is. despite how much time has past since we split, the actual Divorce part feels to icky and real. it is as though I'm reliving so much of our past together all over again. Zman knocked a box out of the storage loft full of CDs and Photos, in it were pictures of Zman as a baby at his first Xmas/Channukah, Randall & I as newlyweds in New Orleans, pictures of our wedding, my bachelorette party, our first apartment polaroids and photos of my mom and us all together looking happy. it was like staring at a car wreck, I couldn't stop sorting through and looking at each photo. each, catching a snapshot of a moment of my past.... reminding me of what was.

so now what?

I learned these past few months, that if I'm going to die happy, I need to be happy with what I have. the pining for the empty space to be filled in my heart is only causing me more suffering. instead of focusing what I don't have, a life partner, I need to focus on what I do have.....

I have....
a beautiful, smart, loving, talented son
a future at Bard
clients who rely on me
a magical cabin for us to live in
my health (even though I am dying)
friends and community
spiritual practice

just to name a few things to focus on. I spent the fall working on being good at what I have, being a good mom, a decent student, a fun publicist and practiced letting go of the attachment to wanting to be coupled. by allowing myself to let go of the seeking of what I don't have, I cleared my energy to be good at what is in front of me.

right now, in this moment, I'm very proud of the Mom I am. I am confident my son is loved and nurtured and that our relationship is growing stronger because I'm focusing my attention on it. I did ok in school. I'm still working freelance jobs for my favorite client, and I got a new one this winter. I managed to steer clear of toxic relationships and work situations which hurt me rather than enhance me. things are pretty good, we're happy, we have enough.

so now I am wondering, what's left to be done?

I'd like to finish my work on my amends, to right the hurt I've caused. this could be impossible, but there are people that I really need to connect with before it is too late.

tonight, I'm feeling a little lonely, and sad. the divorce process was much more painful than I expected. it is bringing up many emotions from my childhood, feelings of abandonment and failure, and stirring the fear pot.

but I'm strong and triumphant. I know that everything is impermanent. and with death looming .... I have to get my affairs in order. time to get to the real work.

lifestyle envy

we've all done it.....

had a look at someone else and coveted something they possess in their life. well, maybe a slice of something, material, relationship, attractive looks, wealth, lifestyle, etc....

there are plenty of cliche phrases, such as "grass is always greener" that sort of make you wonder... would life be better on the other side of the fence?

lately, as I explore the end of my life, feeling regretful I'm not doing this practice 'right', wondering if I'm going to die alone, wishing I'd done some things differently, sad there isn't a lover beside me, still consumed with dollops of fear....

My monkey mind crafts a laundry list of "what if";
I was still married
owned my own home
had another kid
got my motorcycle license and a hot bike
stayed single and never got married
didn't have a kid at all
I was living in NYC
still worked in the music biz
wasn't sober
lived in LA
still drove the mercedes as a veg car
lived in Amsterdam
had a personal trainer
didn't let the house go into forclosure
took him back
........ (so many more here)

the empty spaces we perceive in our lives are easily filled with "if only"s

it was pretty surprising when chatting with my trusted psychic about some things that are shifting in my relationships, when she peered into my eyes and said, "she's jealous of you".

of Me??????????

it hadn't occurred to me once that anyone would be jealous of my life.
my life is filled with struggles and suffering.
with loneliness and failures.
and a whole bunch of "what if"s.

so I've had a few days to absorb this statement, "she's jealous of you."

ah..... and how my life looks to others.... perhaps there is somethings to be jealous of.

as easily as I can put forth a list of "what if"s, I can also make a list of "what is".
as the transition of phasing towards the end of the first half of this Year to Live practice, I realize,
I have a life to be grateful for, because I've made TREMENDOUS changes and am taking opportunities a lot of people "what if" about.
I'm living in a cabin on a stream in the woods in the most beautiful place on earth.
I have a gorgeous, smart, brilliant child.
I'm at Bard full time getting my degree and changing my entire career midstream.
I'm writing, a lot.
I've forged friendships, sangha... community. I am surrounded by Love.
and .... plenty of other neat things worth being envious of.

"what if" I die completing a novella, completing a year of school, improving my relationship with my son and leaving him with a knowledge that he is truly loved, share the dharma with many others, and let go of the "what ifs"

over the past week, I've had this image of my hands opening up and literally LETTING GO of the things that cause me suffering. I can visualize myself letting go of the craving to couple, the attachments, the self-judgment and the fear.

in this practice of mentally Letting Go, I find I'm not pondering and clouding my time with worry about the "what ifs" and spending more time on the "what is". I have found myself in a more serene space, free from envy because I'm in the moment.

placing myself in a position to be envious, perpetuates the idea that someone is better than me. this is totally not what I'm doing this for. so now, I have to catch myself, and the need to label and covet.

the grass isn't greener, it's just different.

life's little mile markers

this was posted to the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group email list ---

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they say, in some circles.... it is about the progress, not perfection.

with certain types of work, it is easy to see progress through quantifiable means. but how on earth do you measure 'success' in spiritual practice?

for me, I need to look back at my past, and pin-point spaces in time to see how I perceived the world and how I reacted in it then, and make comparisons to where I am in this moment.

a little over year ago, green to daily practice, I craved the camaraderie of like minded spiritual seekers. I wanted a group of my own, a sangha!, to share ideas and meditation practice.

I didn't think I was worthy to lead the group by any means, so I went looking for the perfect teacher to guide us.

last September I took my first workshop with Noah Levine, and he told me, "just do it yourself, I know you can." this message was enforced by others such as Pablo Das and Tracey of Elm Street Collective. Not to mention the facilitators around the country who guided me and chatted with me over MySpace and chats.

Thank you Dharma Punxians Nation Wide!

They all instilled a sense of encouragement and quelled my self-judgment by giving me the impetus to ... as Nike says JUST DO IT.

a year ago, a few of us gathered at a little loft in Uptown Kingston, and began what is now known as Dharma Punx Hudson Valley.

flash back a year ago, shaking as I shared a reading with the group, wanting everyone in the group to like me, nervous and filled with self centered fears..... to now...

today, my priorities have greatly shifted. my perception of our group has altered. Dharma Punx Hudson Valley Group is my support network, a place to just be myself and not worry about the other stuff. I've been vulnerable and honest and my practice has catapulted forward greatly because of the generous support I've gotten from everyone who ever attended a meeting.

since starting this group, I've donated my time and energy to sharing the gift of meditation with countless others in rehabs, hospitals, schools and anywhere else they will have me.

I'm studying the foundations of buddhism and training to be a Dharma Punx Facilitator with Noah Levine at the Against the Stream Center in LA

mile markers. looking back a year ago to today.... the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley sangha has morphed, grown, shared, hosted retreats, put forth workshops, helped those in need... especially me.

it has been an HONOR and HUMBLING to be given the gift of facilitating this group.

please, come tomorrow and celebrate our One Year Anniversary. share in the gratitude I feel that our group continues to meet every week. without you guys, my practice wouldn't have progressed to the place it is now, a year older, becoming a sophomore, growing up, altering, changing and shaping things so differently.

big shout outs to EVERYONE who has EVER sat with us, even for just one time.

special request, please bring a reading to share with the group tomorrow. tomorrow's meditation is a special guided forgiveness meditation.

I METTA U Guys so so so so so much, and thank you for being a part of our Sangha!

jai bhagwan!

elissa jane