life after the break up, and another silent retreat

earlier this week, I found out that Stephen Levine passed away.  it seemed appropriate to write a blog in my Year to Live blog at this time to honor him, as I ponder all that I gleaned from his teachings.

sigh.

when was the last time I thought about my Year to Live practice?
do I still apply those lessons and ideas to my life?
when was the last time I meditated?
what happened to squeezing every second out of a moment and relishing joy in the adventure?

answers:
a while. not really? ages ago.  it got eaten up by expectations and disappointment and heartbreak.

it feels like it has been so long since I died. I have forgotten what it is like to live as though I am dying.

the touching thing I gleaned from my year to live was my last regret.  it was, that I was alone and afraid of falling in love.  the fear of falling for someone had seized my heart. I had put up a wall after my divorce, and grew very scared of the pain and anguish that accompanies heart break.  heartbreak is always inevitable when love arrives.  it is around the corner, waiting like a child playing tricks ready to yell "BOO" loudly to surprise you and blindside you.

when I was on my deathbed on the my last day of life, I lamented the fact that I was dying alone with only the comfort of True Blood premiering later that night.  it was heart breaking to realize that my fear was keeping me from the one thing I wanted, a loving partner.  as terrified as I was, I wanted to be in love again.

it took kissing a handful of frogs, and a lot of work.  I began to date again a few years later in a way that was open hearted.  experiencing regular rejection, I continued to rely on the hope that my guy was out there in the world and when I was ready he would appear.  and he did. he was a friend, and then I fell in love with him.

was it easy to trust? to fall in love? to be open and leap without abandon? oh hell no.  for the first month I held back and scrutinized.  I looked at every second wondering where the shoe would drop and my heart would get squashed.  I anticipated what would ruin it before it barely began. sadly, there were things I was right about but what I didn't factor in was my own fear.

I spent the past two years learning to shed fear and learned to trust.  I gave in to being soft, feminine and vulnerable.  it was freeing.

in the early days, just after a month or so, I went on my first silent retreat.  I spent the nine days practicing opening, letting the goop and layers of stuff 'protecting' my heart melt way.  I imagined the non-existent armor that supposedly kept me from emotional heartache falling away, and allowed myself to be open to what can be.  I became possibility, and let go of fear.

the result, I fell in love. madly, openly and without conditions.  it was an ongoing practice learning to trust, to stay open and know that he would be there each time.  in the beginning, he tried to understand, to be supportive and help me grow out of this pain of my past that permeated every fiber of my existence.  he assured me that he would always be there. when I was truly frightened, he quelled those fears with his soothing voice and open heart.

but my practice exhausted him.  he got weary of the process.  he found my insecurity annoying.  he looked at me differently.  he stopped touching me.  as I opened myself and committed to all the love and joy that could be, he walked away.  my fear ultimately sabotaged a great deal of possibility and his magical view of me wore off when he saw me for what I really am.  freakishly damaged and loaded with too much luggage.

what is the point of this? oh, the end and the beginning.  the death and rebirth.  the fear and the love.

well, my deathbed wish was granted.  I did fall in love again.  I had the kind of love I dreamed of, a partner who found my brilliance exciting, my creativity interesting, my farts cute, my dark humor hilarious and my eyes intoxicating.  he saw the special thing that makes me amazing, and gravitated to it.  looking past my funny face and average looks, he saw the beautiful goddess within me and worshiped her.  I had all of that.  he loved me and my son as a package.  he was always ready to say 'yes' to the adventure, and would run away to wherever I wanted.  he even took me to some places unknown in this world.  the more I knew him, the more handsome and delightful he looked in my eyes.  this was it, the chance at a life with someone who complemented me so well.  I was there, I was in it. love had arrived.

but he fell out of love with me. I am too intense. I am too odd. I needed too much affirmation, and wanted validation he wasn't interested in creating.  not for me anyway.

my big heart and tremendousness pushed him away.

and he was gone.

point! get to it already.

so yeah... that Year to Live thing. the fear of heartbreak? get to it!

I almost felt as though I was gonna die on Xmas Day when he said he wasn't coming and ultimately broke up with me because I felt stood up, hurt and abandoned. I realized he was done with me.  my breaking heart was too much. he made a very undedicated attempt to give me a chance but there was nothing left, he felt closure and completeness, he had nothing to give me.  his priority wasn't me anymore.  I fell off the pedestal into a swamp and he saw the monster I am instead of the goddess.

alone.

in the universe's odd way, I am getting what I need to heal.  I booked a retreat at IMS for Jan 9 - 14 months ago.  the dharma was calling.  my practice was arising. it was time to get back on the cushion. during the retreat, I thought about my year to live practice.  my dharma Year to Live sangha sister Barbara came to mind. the other silent retreats I'd taken at IMS had all happened while I was with him. one at the beginning of our relationship. one in the middle.  this one was arriving at the end.  the dharma's lessons carrying me through.  my right view continues to be re-righted.

heartbreak is inevitable post being dumped.  it's awful and wrenching and confusing.  he thinks I don't listen, but it is quite the opposite.  I listen to him with intent and mindfulness. it all sticks to every groove of my brain, seeping in for me to chew on and analyze.  picking apart each syllable he has ever said to me, I hear him clearly.  he is not in love with me anymore.  he blames me.  he has given up.  he resents me, and does not understand or nurture my character defects anymore.  he has thrown in the towel.  he has let go.

for me, letting go takes much more practice and requires an intention I have to cultivate because I am not motivated to let go.  but it is time. we learn from lesson one, it is our attachments that cause us the most suffering.  my attachment is bringing me great pain now.  I let go.

the good news in all of it is, my fears about heartbreak and my expectation of the pain of it has not come to fruition.  everything is impermanent.  I feel the charge, the anguish and the pain very deeply. it is ok.  I can be with it and care for it and give it space to move.  in the deepest core of my understanding, it is impermanent.  it will pass.  it will morph.  it will never leave me fully.  my heart is porous and has absorbed quite a terrible blow.  microscopic remnants of this emotion will loiter, linger and stick in there forever.  I'm not pushing it away.  there's no bleach to pour on it.  I can sit with it.

what I feared was not being able to live beyond the pain.  I was wrong.  I am strong and I can live with it, surpass it and give it room to breathe and move.  suffering is always a part of life.  the more I cling the more it hurts because I'm clutching onto an impermanent essence that cannot be hoarded.

I did it Year to Live.  I fell in love, and found what I thought was going to be my person.  I loved furiously and hard.  I loved with compassion, openness and a big full heart.  the heartbreak of the end is all part of it.  perhaps my life lesson is to learn to live with heartbreak over and over until I stop fearing it. instead of regretting being alone I should embrace the loves I've manifested.

for a few moments in my life, I had the comfort of a loyal partner who said he loved me forever.

forever is impermanent.

dying alone is still my biggest fear.  at least I now know I can handle and live with the pain, and know I can still cultivate joy if I want to.

fill in the blank

so I've been spending a few days, staring at this page trying to craft a brilliant solution based end of year missive about life after death.  frankly, I'm pulling a blank.

my friend Dan Barton sent me this Thomas Mann quote, "A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."

perhaps this is what drives me, the challenges.  when life is about coasting, and there isn't much work to be done, it can be rather boring.

it is the struggle, the challenge, the suffering, the pain, the difficulties that present lessons and make life a far more interesting ride.  I'm certainly not inviting struggle, in fact, I have great disdain for complications.  but here I am, struggling.... my financial situation is a drag, I'm unemployed for the first time in my life for months and months and teetering on how I'm going to make it to next week.

ok, here come the groovy people, telling me to make a gratitude list.  here's some gratitude, I'm grateful to be breathing air, right now, air, grateful air is going in and out of my lungs.

2010 was a wretched struggle.  from beginning to end, I've peeled layers of the onion that revealed fear, pain and opened myself to the things I'd rather run from, mainly love.

yet, maybe there is much more to be grateful for.

tonight I gather with friends and facilitate a gathering where we come together to invite in the precepts, let go of what doesn't serve us, and set intentions for 2011.  I feel a little bit like an imposter in my own skin, because I'm not sure I can stand up with my peers and say, I'm practicing these principals in all my affairs.  maybe that's my intention... something simple like... bringing it back to the practice.  getting back to basics, and putting mindfulness back into my daily life, letting go of expectations and outcomes and most importantly, continuing to walk through my fear and be ready for the true love that stands a few feet in front of me.  it is very close.  possibility is back in my heart.  I am ready.

hmmm... maybe I do have a solution, maybe my torment was that I didn't want to just admit... I'm a human being like everyone else and it is ok to have to go back to the beginning and start fresh with what is next.  perhaps I didn't die for nothing... it looks like my life on this side is still very different than where I was on June 14th 2009.... maybe there is gratitude beyond my breath, like my repaired relationship with my family and most importantly the close bond I have with my son.  that I can be friends with my ex-husband and that he came to me and made his own amends.  that I know that people LOVE me, people whom I value and care for greatly and respect and admire.  most importantly, as corny as it might be... my heart is inside out today, the scar tissue turned inside and the vulnerable, raw bits are out there.... possibility has returned to me... I FEEL my heart beating inside my chest again... after all this time, and that is without a doubt something to be very, very grateful for.

so, 2010 might have been a sucky year, but it was full of milestones and a couple of kidney stones... all of which have passed.... just as tough times usually do.

so ... cheers!  to whatever is next.... I stand up, spiritual warrior... ready to face life ahead, regardless of what date it is.