home stretch

I've tried to write this entry about 5 times in the past couple of days. Without using any references, I would easily believe that nothing has really changed over the past year. That I didn't do enough, step up my spiritual practice enough, mediate enough or really refer to the course as it was laid out in the book correctly.

Without a lot of effort, I can easily muster up self-judgment that I didn't do this last year 'right'.

But how do you die correctly? Is there a right and wrong as to how I was supposed to do this?

In reality, if I look back to a year ago and compare it to today, there is NO QUESTION that I have definitely made some life altering changes this year, and that the motivation was the Year to Live Practice.

Last night, I gave myself one of my few remaining dying wishes, and saw Michael Franti Live one more time with my good friends. A year ago, we had all gone to see anther concert... same group... different Me. As I stood among the masses of people, sometimes in the company of one, or alone, or with the entire group, I realized how different I was from last year to now. I've found ease, and gentleness in my social circle. I can be effervescent and say nothing at the same time. I can just be, and I have found comfort in my skin as never before.

The darkness and loneliness I have wallowed in for so many years has lifted. I have unloaded toxic behaviors beyond my drinking and drugging.

The feeling of attachment and the "need" for an elusive something has slipped away.

I have found serenity, and connection to not just my friends but to people. My metta practice has grown, I am able to offer compassion, understanding, joy and light to others. It's not some bullshit hippie thing, but something that has emerged for me and brings me peace.

I've broken through layers of fear that have prevented me from connecting to the present moment. Mindfulness comes a little more naturally. Last night, it was as though I was fully there, in my body, without the effort my less trained mind has had to put forth in the past.

Dancing in the crowd... getting closer and closer to the stage... feeling the music, each song, each beat... letting go of everything but the present moment, I was able to really really enjoy the night. More and more, I'm cognoscente of when I'm mindful and have a little more ease being in a state of mindfulness.

So, how much time is left? a little over a week.

Yeah, there are some things I'd hoped to experience this year that didn't happen. I didn't fall in love. I didn't fully transform my career path. My house is still messy. I didn't lose the weight entirely (but I've decided the 41 by 41 can be during the year I am 41, see softening and gentleness for me).

Those things are minor in comparison to what I have accomplished.... a year at Bard on full scholarship, almost done with DP Facilitator Training, a year of being in service offering meditation, an improved relationship with my son, I made the big amends to my parents and ex-husband, taking care of myself and focusing on me, and yeah, I didn't really fall 'in love' but, I have definitely learned to Love Me. That seems so much more important in the grand scheme.

With a week to go, there are a few details to attend to; the will and my funeral plans.

41 by 41

58 days left to live.

that's not much time.

I'm really feeling the pressure to 'get it done'. get what done? get through the final laundry list of things I want to accomplish before my funeral.

about a week ago, I was noshing at a small restaurant in Woodstock. in such close quarters, I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the various conversations around me. there was a woman at a nearby table going on about her new age woo woo workshop for women. she was talking all about her coaching techniques, and going on about people and the things they want.

it made me think, what do I want?

then she said it, the one little ditty that stuck to my brain.

in order to get the thing we want
we need to get rid of the thing that is keeping us from getting it

wow, how simple. really is that it?

so I have been pondering my life and it's impending end. I've made so many awesome changes this year thus far. I've been true to me and have broken through some tough challenges. I've made amends to the most important people on my list (well, not my sister yet, but hopefully I'll get there soon). I'm making positive changes, classes, facilitator training, school and yoga practice. my son and I couldn't be tighter. I'm living life to the fullest, and being mindful.

so what's missing? oh come on, you can guess.

the thing I'd really like to have in my life is a partner. I'm dying alone, and this makes me sad.

so what is the thing that is keeping me from finding romantic companionship?

I've created a wall around myself out of fear. ok, not just the psychological wall, but an actual wall. I stepped on a scale about a month ago, and let me tell you, I had no idea I'd gotten so heavy. how did this happen? it's emotional. it's my barrier between me and them. it's protection I've created, so that I can keep from getting hurt.

that wall comes down, and it's coming down now.

I'm back on my workout, gym, running, yoga regime. this is not a joke... it's on. starting that day, I realized what's keeping me from what I want is 'the wall'. now I'm going to do something women never do.... I'm going to divulge my personal goal out loud here online... I'm going to lose 41 lbs by June 14th, my 41st birthday and the date of my death.

so, when you see me at my funeral, I'll be 125 lbs, a size 8. seems crazy? yeah, I know, but I'm going for it.

huff huff huff.... here I go. I'm getting rid of the 'thing' that is keeping me from what I deserve.

passover the small talk will ya?

part of the process
in my Year to Live Practice
is to make amends to those I have harmed before I die.

with my death looming, I've kicked up my step work in an effort to get to the part where I start making amends to those I've harmed.

some of the amends have been met with hugs, and smile
and I've walked away feeling a sense of inner peace,
but there were two amends on my list I was afraid I'd never finish in time; my ex-husband and my parents.

you see, I could make amends to thousands of people, I've done a lot of damage and I know there is no way I will be able to get to everyone I've harmed.

it took me years to see, that I genuinely hurt my ex-husband and broke his heart. I didn't leave him with dignity. I broke his heart in an effort to insure I'd truly be ending my marriage.
how would I make an amends to this man?
I chose to grant him an uncontested divorce, and give him closure as my active amends.
by divorcing my now ex-husband, and walking through it with dignity
no fighting
no court
no battle
just surrender
I offered an amends, I gave him closure
I recognized that I hurt him and broke his heart
I stopped hating him and hanging onto resentments
I have forgiven him, over and over
but I needed to find a place
to forgive myself.

signing the papers was scary, but in the end, I did it for him and gave him the peace
he was begging me for. does it change anything? for me no, for him yes.

but there was a bigger hurdle to leap over
I knew I wanted to make amends to my parents before I 'die'.

last night, unplanned, far from prepared, it happened.
at Passover dinner, my father said something that totally triggered me and my abandonment issues. it was as though I was fired with a shot that changed the moment so quickly.
I wasn't ready.
I had nothing thought out, no mental script to draw from.
In a panic, the pain of the feeling of being less than his other children emerged.
I felt like I felt the day I begged him to be my dad again in the Lowes Hotel so many years ago, I felt unheard, misunderstood, and unaccepted.
one reaction, to something so matter a fact, changed everything.

but this time, the family dynamic was altered.
the universe answered my unanswered prayers.
my mother insisted I stay, and for the first time in 40 years,
my mother, my father and I talked, really talked.
we had the talk, I never thought we'd have.
we came to an understanding, not the kind you see in the movies, but something real.
and.... I came clean, and answered to my part. I took responsibility and told them how I genuinely wanted to make amends.

you would think so many different outcomes might have concluded the long emotional talk, but the ending was the true surprise.
when I asked my parents, what my action amends could be, to make up for my past mistakes, my mother responded with, "I want you to take care of yourself, your health and to be happy." there was more, but this was the gist.

and there it was, the finale to my most important amends, the one I was afraid of. I can take my parents off my 9th step list.

I walked out of the building, exhausted, when 'god's voicemail' went off through the mouth of the doorman. a man I barely ever talk to, the guy who opens the door to my mother's building stopped me on the way out, and said, "I've watched your son grow, he's amazing, you have a beautiful son, every time I see him he makes me smile, he's such an amazing kid, God Bless You." and then he hugged me. this was really surreal!

in the end, if nothing else, if all my life I've made horrible choices, I've done one thing right. I made an incredible kid, and my legacy will live on in his heart and spirit.

this morning, I awoke with a painful emotional hangover. but life goes on, school was waiting. I got up, got dressed, got my work done ... and at the end of the day, I gave myself a mini-staycation retreat, and took a yoga class followed by a guided meditation. as I promised, I did something nice for me, and took care of my heart and my soul.

clock is ticking, only a few short months left... time to make a final list of the things I want to accomplish before my Funeral.

got skillz?

skillful
unskillful

I've used these two words in a sentence more time in the past week, than ever before. but what do they even mean?

on New Year's Eve, I set the intention to practice Right Speech.

now ... I'm investigating and coming to terms with what this really means. beyond my gossip and sarcasm, there is something more important to review. not just right, but also skillful speech. to understand how I use words, language, expression, my writing to communicate and to be more aware of how my communication effects others.

last night, we talked about responsibility. I questioned, have I been truly responsible with my speech? did I use my speech skillfully?

it goes beyond right intentions but actually putting forth skillful action and well realized words.

I've begun a new task for the next thirty days, I am holding myself accountable to my word. in the mornings, I state my intentions for the day, meditate, shower, get dressed and live the day by doing what I've set the intention to do. my life to-do lists are very simple; daily tasks, homework, chores, meditation, yoga and reading. nothing that involves expectations, just making sure I'm doing my life and the footwork to complete tasks that need to get done in the midst of my life in motion.

so back to this skillful thing.
what does it mean to be a skillful practitioner.....
this is something new for me to learn. it's not something I can answer right now or today.
my point of view isn't right, it is skewed by my ego. I have lived a lifetime of thinking I know what is best for me and for everyone else, but all of my being 'right' has been totally utterly wrong. oh no, what?

yes, my view has been skewed.

back to the drawing board.
my practice takes a new shape a new form.

time to step back, and remove my need to label and opinionize (yeah, I made up a word) things. this is gonna take some work!

I definitely hit a new layer of the onion and whew, man, it really made me cry. damn sting as you cut this thing open!

all my righteous advice, and solution knowing brain is swirling into a bubbling mess that needs to be extricated from my brain. fortunately, there is an answer to this.

to keep sitting with what is.
sit every morning.
sit every day.
take care of my heart, mind and body.
breathe.....

and get clear that the knowing, may truly be knowing nothing at all except what is in this very moment.

but, I'm POWERLESS

last week
it snowed
our internet went out
our phone shut down
our power turned off

we hudled in the dark
without the comforts we have grown attached to

the snow continued to fall
fall and fall
forcing us
to stay put, and deal with being home without the distractions that make emotional escape possible

no Tetris
no DVDs
no Phone
no iChatting
no Noisemaker
no Screens to tune out in front of

just us, in the darkened hazy stormy daylight barely cracking through the storm

these severe conditions
would have been enough to force us to grab sharp objects
and kill one and other
but ....

we didn't

I thought of my practice
what I wanted
and how I wanted my son to remember these days
stuck at home
with his Mommy

when the frustrations of cabin fever would grow
I looked at him and said, "I don't want to be that yelly mommy, let's come up with a code word. When we say it, we both Have to Laugh!"

"Banana Peels"

and so, it was settled
whenever one of us got testy, we'd say, "Banana Peels" and whether or not I felt like it, I'd laugh out loud
and then we'd giggle
and feel better

we struggled through the week, it wasn't easy
we curled up and slept in the small bed in my son's room and clutched each other for warmth
and there were moments I really thought I'd gone totally nuts
but we were Powerless
literally without Power

we had no choice

so I made the most of it
and loved each moment
and tried not to beat myself up for all the things I wasn't accomplishing

I had a lot of homework for school and my very late homework for Facilitator Training due
it didn't get done
and for that
I'm struggling

did I meditate?

um, NO
not the way I would have liked to
I was so uneasy
overtired
bad diet
bad sleep
cold
uncomfortable

but.... being Powerless did bring my son and I a very powerful bonding experience
and making the moments with my son count
has been a huge part of my practice this year

I made a promise to my son, to be on the computer less
and present for him more

this past week, he got his wish
NO computer
and 100% non-stop Mommy and Me time

2010

with the turning of the clocks
ending the first decade of the millennium
I realize I only have about five months left

in the first six months of this journey, I made so many abrupt changes
and the universe also lent me a hand
I took off to Puerto Rico for my inaugural end of life adventure
my toxic job was terminated
my new life as Bardian Student began
my son's struggles with school got settled
I got my divorce papers

this year, for New Year's Eve
I orchestrated a New Year's Eve Dharma Punx Gathering in the mountains
and rung in the New Year silently in meditation with my sangha, friends new and old
as we opened our eyes, the snow was falling in the light of the blue moon while fireworks exploded in the distance
I had never celebrated the New Year in silence, and never expected the experience to be truly peaceful
part of me felt that I had manifested a magical feeling, but I was willing to go with it and allow it to cycle through me

my son was with my Mom, and it seemed as though he was very far away, and I missed him on New Years. we had such a wonderful holiday time together, but I also needed my time to be still. this just doesn't happen with him in the house.

I've made my amends to my ex-husband as promised. without a struggle, I signed divorce papers, executed, notarized, sent and he filed them today. it is my sincere wish, that by agreeing and not contesting, and giving him the divorce, he will feel the closure he's seeking. I'm pretty surprised how painful it is. despite how much time has past since we split, the actual Divorce part feels to icky and real. it is as though I'm reliving so much of our past together all over again. Zman knocked a box out of the storage loft full of CDs and Photos, in it were pictures of Zman as a baby at his first Xmas/Channukah, Randall & I as newlyweds in New Orleans, pictures of our wedding, my bachelorette party, our first apartment polaroids and photos of my mom and us all together looking happy. it was like staring at a car wreck, I couldn't stop sorting through and looking at each photo. each, catching a snapshot of a moment of my past.... reminding me of what was.

so now what?

I learned these past few months, that if I'm going to die happy, I need to be happy with what I have. the pining for the empty space to be filled in my heart is only causing me more suffering. instead of focusing what I don't have, a life partner, I need to focus on what I do have.....

I have....
a beautiful, smart, loving, talented son
a future at Bard
clients who rely on me
a magical cabin for us to live in
my health (even though I am dying)
friends and community
spiritual practice

just to name a few things to focus on. I spent the fall working on being good at what I have, being a good mom, a decent student, a fun publicist and practiced letting go of the attachment to wanting to be coupled. by allowing myself to let go of the seeking of what I don't have, I cleared my energy to be good at what is in front of me.

right now, in this moment, I'm very proud of the Mom I am. I am confident my son is loved and nurtured and that our relationship is growing stronger because I'm focusing my attention on it. I did ok in school. I'm still working freelance jobs for my favorite client, and I got a new one this winter. I managed to steer clear of toxic relationships and work situations which hurt me rather than enhance me. things are pretty good, we're happy, we have enough.

so now I am wondering, what's left to be done?

I'd like to finish my work on my amends, to right the hurt I've caused. this could be impossible, but there are people that I really need to connect with before it is too late.

tonight, I'm feeling a little lonely, and sad. the divorce process was much more painful than I expected. it is bringing up many emotions from my childhood, feelings of abandonment and failure, and stirring the fear pot.

but I'm strong and triumphant. I know that everything is impermanent. and with death looming .... I have to get my affairs in order. time to get to the real work.

lifestyle envy

we've all done it.....

had a look at someone else and coveted something they possess in their life. well, maybe a slice of something, material, relationship, attractive looks, wealth, lifestyle, etc....

there are plenty of cliche phrases, such as "grass is always greener" that sort of make you wonder... would life be better on the other side of the fence?

lately, as I explore the end of my life, feeling regretful I'm not doing this practice 'right', wondering if I'm going to die alone, wishing I'd done some things differently, sad there isn't a lover beside me, still consumed with dollops of fear....

My monkey mind crafts a laundry list of "what if";
I was still married
owned my own home
had another kid
got my motorcycle license and a hot bike
stayed single and never got married
didn't have a kid at all
I was living in NYC
still worked in the music biz
wasn't sober
lived in LA
still drove the mercedes as a veg car
lived in Amsterdam
had a personal trainer
didn't let the house go into forclosure
took him back
........ (so many more here)

the empty spaces we perceive in our lives are easily filled with "if only"s

it was pretty surprising when chatting with my trusted psychic about some things that are shifting in my relationships, when she peered into my eyes and said, "she's jealous of you".

of Me??????????

it hadn't occurred to me once that anyone would be jealous of my life.
my life is filled with struggles and suffering.
with loneliness and failures.
and a whole bunch of "what if"s.

so I've had a few days to absorb this statement, "she's jealous of you."

ah..... and how my life looks to others.... perhaps there is somethings to be jealous of.

as easily as I can put forth a list of "what if"s, I can also make a list of "what is".
as the transition of phasing towards the end of the first half of this Year to Live practice, I realize,
I have a life to be grateful for, because I've made TREMENDOUS changes and am taking opportunities a lot of people "what if" about.
I'm living in a cabin on a stream in the woods in the most beautiful place on earth.
I have a gorgeous, smart, brilliant child.
I'm at Bard full time getting my degree and changing my entire career midstream.
I'm writing, a lot.
I've forged friendships, sangha... community. I am surrounded by Love.
and .... plenty of other neat things worth being envious of.

"what if" I die completing a novella, completing a year of school, improving my relationship with my son and leaving him with a knowledge that he is truly loved, share the dharma with many others, and let go of the "what ifs"

over the past week, I've had this image of my hands opening up and literally LETTING GO of the things that cause me suffering. I can visualize myself letting go of the craving to couple, the attachments, the self-judgment and the fear.

in this practice of mentally Letting Go, I find I'm not pondering and clouding my time with worry about the "what ifs" and spending more time on the "what is". I have found myself in a more serene space, free from envy because I'm in the moment.

placing myself in a position to be envious, perpetuates the idea that someone is better than me. this is totally not what I'm doing this for. so now, I have to catch myself, and the need to label and covet.

the grass isn't greener, it's just different.

life's little mile markers

this was posted to the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group email list ---

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they say, in some circles.... it is about the progress, not perfection.

with certain types of work, it is easy to see progress through quantifiable means. but how on earth do you measure 'success' in spiritual practice?

for me, I need to look back at my past, and pin-point spaces in time to see how I perceived the world and how I reacted in it then, and make comparisons to where I am in this moment.

a little over year ago, green to daily practice, I craved the camaraderie of like minded spiritual seekers. I wanted a group of my own, a sangha!, to share ideas and meditation practice.

I didn't think I was worthy to lead the group by any means, so I went looking for the perfect teacher to guide us.

last September I took my first workshop with Noah Levine, and he told me, "just do it yourself, I know you can." this message was enforced by others such as Pablo Das and Tracey of Elm Street Collective. Not to mention the facilitators around the country who guided me and chatted with me over MySpace and chats.

Thank you Dharma Punxians Nation Wide!

They all instilled a sense of encouragement and quelled my self-judgment by giving me the impetus to ... as Nike says JUST DO IT.

a year ago, a few of us gathered at a little loft in Uptown Kingston, and began what is now known as Dharma Punx Hudson Valley.

flash back a year ago, shaking as I shared a reading with the group, wanting everyone in the group to like me, nervous and filled with self centered fears..... to now...

today, my priorities have greatly shifted. my perception of our group has altered. Dharma Punx Hudson Valley Group is my support network, a place to just be myself and not worry about the other stuff. I've been vulnerable and honest and my practice has catapulted forward greatly because of the generous support I've gotten from everyone who ever attended a meeting.

since starting this group, I've donated my time and energy to sharing the gift of meditation with countless others in rehabs, hospitals, schools and anywhere else they will have me.

I'm studying the foundations of buddhism and training to be a Dharma Punx Facilitator with Noah Levine at the Against the Stream Center in LA

mile markers. looking back a year ago to today.... the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley sangha has morphed, grown, shared, hosted retreats, put forth workshops, helped those in need... especially me.

it has been an HONOR and HUMBLING to be given the gift of facilitating this group.

please, come tomorrow and celebrate our One Year Anniversary. share in the gratitude I feel that our group continues to meet every week. without you guys, my practice wouldn't have progressed to the place it is now, a year older, becoming a sophomore, growing up, altering, changing and shaping things so differently.

big shout outs to EVERYONE who has EVER sat with us, even for just one time.

special request, please bring a reading to share with the group tomorrow. tomorrow's meditation is a special guided forgiveness meditation.

I METTA U Guys so so so so so much, and thank you for being a part of our Sangha!

jai bhagwan!

elissa jane

crossing the Equator

when we visited Africa back in 1991, one of the highlights was crossing the Equator. we traveled the Kenyan countryside in a van, exploring various parks and sights starting with the north and working our way south. the Equator pit stop was certainly a seasoned tourist attraction. our guide brought us through a village called Nanyuki, which catered to "our kind" complete with a gift shop. in the midst of the commercialism, we stood in front of a giant yellow sign adorned with a giant black red and green Africa symbol with "EQUATOR" stamped across the middle in bright red. I still have the photo.

one of the highlights of that day, was a demonstration with three little matchsticks and a bucket of water. our guide put the bucket down about 10 meters from the equator, and dropped the matchsticks into the bucket which had holes on the bottom for drainage. on the north side of the Equator, the water turned clockwise. as we crossed the equator, the water changed direction and turned counter clockwise.

my sister and I giggled, wondering if we'd ever look at a toilet the same again. the rest of the trip we spent on the southern part of Kenya, where, my sister and I flushed many a matchstick giggling with delight at the turn of events.

today I was thinking about my life and reflecting a little on life before and after my "Cleansing My Karma" light bulb moment.

before, my life was turning clockwise, a succession of choices leading me down a destined path. everything I willfully created and controlled, no matter how skillful, seemed to lead me to the same result. over and over, doing life in that way, lead me to that unenlightened place where dukka turned clockwise.

when I made the decision to take on meditation and buddhist practice and chose a spiritual way, the little sticks stood still, and then slowly began to turn another way.

slowly, my flow is moving counter clockwise. not so dissimilar from the Against the Stream theory. the work I'm doing is counter intuitive. it takes great courage and strength to not wallow in the dark, and stick with old habits in the clockwise spiral.

slowly, gradually, with slight fluidity, I'm learning that doing the right thing becomes easier, on the verge of intuitive. going counter clockwise is beginning to feel a little more comfortable, and doesn't look as strange when I peer into the vortex of the current.

I've flushed quite a few toilets since crossing the equator. I suspect, I have many many more flushes ahead of me.

coming to terms with the wreckage of my past may or may not just flow easily, like water turning down a drain. at least, for now, it's a different action, creating a different result. that has to be positive. undoubtedly, I'm guessing I'll need to break out the plunger many more times as I cross the equator into the other hemisphere.

totally forgot I was doing this Year to Live thing

early fall is always a turning point for me. sometimes it is gentle, but in this case, it was abrupt. the past month or so has been incredibly challenging. like the hardest my life has been for some time.

I've made some big choices, and transitions this year. Because of this practice, I stood up for myself in my professional life, applied and got into Bard, took on facilitator training, changed the Dharma Punx HV group to a longer format and took some big steps forward in my recovery. Man, I'm out of breath just typing this out loud.

Last month, my momentum seized. I've hit some big stumbling stones with parenting issues, entering the student population, my ex/divorce being expedited, getting back into freelance work and the layers of new stuff coming up. I've allowed these things to get in my way.

of course, here's the part where I remind myself... the greatest steps towards enlightenment come from the deepest moments of suffering.

with all the transition I've been facing, I forgot all about my Year to Live practice. it was as though I swept it under the rug hoping no one would trip on the giant lump in the middle of the proverbial floor.

what I didn't anticipate, was that the person stumbling would be me.

in my effort to tackle all these life changes, I totally let my simple meditation practice slip away. I had declared to take part in a 90/90 sit, increase my practice in the earlier part of fall, and become even more spiritual.

like a good little junkie, I got into it hard and burned out fast.

this is a little indicative of how I've approached my Year to Live practice.

but wait...

I'm dying, right? I can't get out of dying. I must trudge on.

they say, every time you bring your awareness back to your breath, you have a little awakening.

I'd like to think that I am having a little awakening now. it's time to bring my practice back, and be aware of the Year to Live practice I've committed to.

to my credit, I have been working on my amends, and cleaning up some mess. my acceptance of the divorce is huge. instead of fighting and prolonging, I've offered divorce to my ex as my amends. no fighting.

it all started with "I'm cleansing my Karma". it's time to get back to that and remember why I have chosen this path.

while my awareness of my Year to Live practice has waned the past month, I guess I need to acknowledge that I'm still doing it. I am making my amends, and cleaning up the things I want to take care of before I die.

just need to bring it back to my breath. Today. Breathe in. Breathe out.