earlier this week, I found out that Stephen Levine passed away. it seemed appropriate to write a blog in my Year to Live blog at this time to honor him, as I ponder all that I gleaned from his teachings.
sigh.
when was the last time I thought about my Year to Live practice?
do I still apply those lessons and ideas to my life?
when was the last time I meditated?
what happened to squeezing every second out of a moment and relishing joy in the adventure?
answers:
a while. not really? ages ago. it got eaten up by expectations and disappointment and heartbreak.
it feels like it has been so long since I died. I have forgotten what it is like to live as though I am dying.
the touching thing I gleaned from my year to live was my last regret. it was, that I was alone and afraid of falling in love. the fear of falling for someone had seized my heart. I had put up a wall after my divorce, and grew very scared of the pain and anguish that accompanies heart break. heartbreak is always inevitable when love arrives. it is around the corner, waiting like a child playing tricks ready to yell "BOO" loudly to surprise you and blindside you.
when I was on my deathbed on the my last day of life, I lamented the fact that I was dying alone with only the comfort of True Blood premiering later that night. it was heart breaking to realize that my fear was keeping me from the one thing I wanted, a loving partner. as terrified as I was, I wanted to be in love again.
it took kissing a handful of frogs, and a lot of work. I began to date again a few years later in a way that was open hearted. experiencing regular rejection, I continued to rely on the hope that my guy was out there in the world and when I was ready he would appear. and he did. he was a friend, and then I fell in love with him.
was it easy to trust? to fall in love? to be open and leap without abandon? oh hell no. for the first month I held back and scrutinized. I looked at every second wondering where the shoe would drop and my heart would get squashed. I anticipated what would ruin it before it barely began. sadly, there were things I was right about but what I didn't factor in was my own fear.
I spent the past two years learning to shed fear and learned to trust. I gave in to being soft, feminine and vulnerable. it was freeing.
in the early days, just after a month or so, I went on my first silent retreat. I spent the nine days practicing opening, letting the goop and layers of stuff 'protecting' my heart melt way. I imagined the non-existent armor that supposedly kept me from emotional heartache falling away, and allowed myself to be open to what can be. I became possibility, and let go of fear.
the result, I fell in love. madly, openly and without conditions. it was an ongoing practice learning to trust, to stay open and know that he would be there each time. in the beginning, he tried to understand, to be supportive and help me grow out of this pain of my past that permeated every fiber of my existence. he assured me that he would always be there. when I was truly frightened, he quelled those fears with his soothing voice and open heart.
but my practice exhausted him. he got weary of the process. he found my insecurity annoying. he looked at me differently. he stopped touching me. as I opened myself and committed to all the love and joy that could be, he walked away. my fear ultimately sabotaged a great deal of possibility and his magical view of me wore off when he saw me for what I really am. freakishly damaged and loaded with too much luggage.
what is the point of this? oh, the end and the beginning. the death and rebirth. the fear and the love.
well, my deathbed wish was granted. I did fall in love again. I had the kind of love I dreamed of, a partner who found my brilliance exciting, my creativity interesting, my farts cute, my dark humor hilarious and my eyes intoxicating. he saw the special thing that makes me amazing, and gravitated to it. looking past my funny face and average looks, he saw the beautiful goddess within me and worshiped her. I had all of that. he loved me and my son as a package. he was always ready to say 'yes' to the adventure, and would run away to wherever I wanted. he even took me to some places unknown in this world. the more I knew him, the more handsome and delightful he looked in my eyes. this was it, the chance at a life with someone who complemented me so well. I was there, I was in it. love had arrived.
but he fell out of love with me. I am too intense. I am too odd. I needed too much affirmation, and wanted validation he wasn't interested in creating. not for me anyway.
my big heart and tremendousness pushed him away.
and he was gone.
point! get to it already.
so yeah... that Year to Live thing. the fear of heartbreak? get to it!
I almost felt as though I was gonna die on Xmas Day when he said he wasn't coming and ultimately broke up with me because I felt stood up, hurt and abandoned. I realized he was done with me. my breaking heart was too much. he made a very undedicated attempt to give me a chance but there was nothing left, he felt closure and completeness, he had nothing to give me. his priority wasn't me anymore. I fell off the pedestal into a swamp and he saw the monster I am instead of the goddess.
alone.
in the universe's odd way, I am getting what I need to heal. I booked a retreat at IMS for Jan 9 - 14 months ago. the dharma was calling. my practice was arising. it was time to get back on the cushion. during the retreat, I thought about my year to live practice. my dharma Year to Live sangha sister Barbara came to mind. the other silent retreats I'd taken at IMS had all happened while I was with him. one at the beginning of our relationship. one in the middle. this one was arriving at the end. the dharma's lessons carrying me through. my right view continues to be re-righted.
heartbreak is inevitable post being dumped. it's awful and wrenching and confusing. he thinks I don't listen, but it is quite the opposite. I listen to him with intent and mindfulness. it all sticks to every groove of my brain, seeping in for me to chew on and analyze. picking apart each syllable he has ever said to me, I hear him clearly. he is not in love with me anymore. he blames me. he has given up. he resents me, and does not understand or nurture my character defects anymore. he has thrown in the towel. he has let go.
for me, letting go takes much more practice and requires an intention I have to cultivate because I am not motivated to let go. but it is time. we learn from lesson one, it is our attachments that cause us the most suffering. my attachment is bringing me great pain now. I let go.
the good news in all of it is, my fears about heartbreak and my expectation of the pain of it has not come to fruition. everything is impermanent. I feel the charge, the anguish and the pain very deeply. it is ok. I can be with it and care for it and give it space to move. in the deepest core of my understanding, it is impermanent. it will pass. it will morph. it will never leave me fully. my heart is porous and has absorbed quite a terrible blow. microscopic remnants of this emotion will loiter, linger and stick in there forever. I'm not pushing it away. there's no bleach to pour on it. I can sit with it.
what I feared was not being able to live beyond the pain. I was wrong. I am strong and I can live with it, surpass it and give it room to breathe and move. suffering is always a part of life. the more I cling the more it hurts because I'm clutching onto an impermanent essence that cannot be hoarded.
I did it Year to Live. I fell in love, and found what I thought was going to be my person. I loved furiously and hard. I loved with compassion, openness and a big full heart. the heartbreak of the end is all part of it. perhaps my life lesson is to learn to live with heartbreak over and over until I stop fearing it. instead of regretting being alone I should embrace the loves I've manifested.
for a few moments in my life, I had the comfort of a loyal partner who said he loved me forever.
forever is impermanent.
dying alone is still my biggest fear. at least I now know I can handle and live with the pain, and know I can still cultivate joy if I want to.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Monday, January 18, 2016
If You Knew by Ellen Bass
What if you knew you’d be the last
to touch someone?
If you were taking tickets, for example,
at the theater, tearing them,
giving back the ragged stubs,
you might take care to touch that palm,
brush your fingertips
along the life line’s crease.
When a man pulls his wheeled suitcase
too slowly through the airport, when
the car in front of me doesn’t signal,
when the clerk at the pharmacy
won’t say Thank you, I don’t remember
they’re going to die.
A friend told me she’d been with her aunt.
They’d just had lunch and the waiter,
a young gay man with plum black eyes,
joked as he served the coffee, kissed
her aunt’s powdered cheek when they left.
Then they walked half a block and her aunt
dropped dead on the sidewalk.
How close does the dragon’s spume
have to come? How wide does the crack
in heaven have to split?
What would people look like
if we could see them as they are,
soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?
Friday, November 9, 2012
boobie bump
the letter arrived in the wake of Sandy. it was a nondescript envelope, white with a window addressed to me. it looked like it could be an innocuous bill, or an update on privacy stuff from the phone company. it was part of a big stack of mail I hadn't gotten to... bills, voting promos, bills, flyers, and some magazines. I was tearing through the pile, toss, toss, toss, toss, when I got to this envelope. I tore it open with the same desire to get through it as the rest of the stack of mail.
but this letter was not like the others. it was addressed to me. it was three pages long. it had the hospital insignia on top. it was about my mammogram.
it opened with that dear Ms. Mastel thing.. the date of the mammogram and ... something about finding something and needing to follow up... the rest was a blur. I read that first paragraph repeatedly. my left boob! something in there!
my breath grew heavy, the tears swelled uncontrollably, I stared and stared. the shock was overwhelming, I was seizing where I sat.
picking up the phone, I kept trying to call the doctor but my fingers were slippery from the tears and I couldn't make out the right number on the phone without fumbling. the anxiety and adrenaline were mounting, and panic drove me forward to getting the number right for my small town local doctor to ask, "what the fuck do I do?"
and so it began, the dialog about what the course of action would be. I followed his instructions and made the next appointment to see the specialist. and then... I sat there. of course, my mind pulled a knee jerk reaction and began to play out the worst case scenario tape ... me dead, Zman alone, life... ended. the pain, the suffering, the treatments that were torture that didn't work. my own personal Lifetime chick TV movie unfolding before my very own delusion.
let go, let go... I remembered I have the ability to release that tape and get present. I allowed myself to really feel what I was feeling, the fear, the anxiety, the unknowing and the sadness. I used my other senses to see the trees out the window, feel the seat underneath me, feel the sensations under my skin and hear the sounds from inside me to the sounds outside my window. I practiced mindfulness. I sat with what is. and in that moment, I was sitting with agony.
during this .. my electronic feed kept pumping, IM was blowing up with some random guy feeling rejected by the world and asking for advice on how to fit in, emails asking if I can do this or do that, fervent election updates and discussions, and notifications I've been poked. yes, life kept going, and would keep going with or without this happening.
and so... I keep relaying back to the memories of the Year to Live practice I once experienced. the important lessons I took away from it, and how I promised myself that I would stick to being ever present and loving. where did all that go? it seems that some of it became a habit, and some of it got lost.
on my proverbial deathbed, I had one regret that I hadn't fallen in love again. I promised myself I would let myself be open and vulnerable when the next right guy arrived. and one guy did... after that year, I met someone, I fell in love ... and when he broke my heart... I gave up on everything .. especially me.
it has been a crazy bunch of months of gradual dismissal of my self care. I became a workaholic again in a toxic situation that didn't support me. I stopped going to the gym and tossed my yoga practice. the story I told myself is that I don't deserve the dharma, and stopped sitting. I mean, I just gave up.
so hear I am... two years after I was reincarnated facing the very same scenario I put myself in on June 14th, 2009. what if you had only a year to live? (note: of course NO ONE is talking about this at this time. drs. have not concluded that it's more than a bump on a film) I've been taking inventory over the past two days about what I've given up over the past two years since I "died". it's pretty apparent that I've given up on me. this needs to be the wake up call to bring me back to that awesome place I was in on my 42nd birthday ... right before ... my heart broke and took me with it.
my friend Paul did the Year to Live practice right before me, in fact, he was a big inspiration for me to want to follow suit. I remember we were on retreat, and he said, "I wish I had more time in buddhist practice before I took this on, I wasn't ready." interesting observation, but here I am, facing this boob thing, and well, I'm not ready. I don't think we get to be ready for the last year of our life. isn't that part of the practice? having it come when we're not ready?
I spend months getting "ready" to kick off my Year to Live, I read, I planned, I made a blog... all "ready" to do this! today, it's not about being ready, it is about having no choice.
with a sense of urgency, I have invited ongoing the mindfulness practice back into my life now, because I have no choice. my intake of food, the way I treat myself, the need to be vigilant about working out, yoga, meditation and self care are more vital than ever. not because I'm possibly "sick" but because I deserve it. I'm going to break out the juicer, go for long walks, take moments throughout the day to do something un-work related and spend more time engaging with the people who truly matter.
I've decided, that maybe, with or without a bad diagnosis, it's time to do a do-over on the Year to Live. why? because the universe is telling me I have to, because the quality of my life depends on it. ready or not... I wake up tomorrow and start again.
but this letter was not like the others. it was addressed to me. it was three pages long. it had the hospital insignia on top. it was about my mammogram.
it opened with that dear Ms. Mastel thing.. the date of the mammogram and ... something about finding something and needing to follow up... the rest was a blur. I read that first paragraph repeatedly. my left boob! something in there!
my breath grew heavy, the tears swelled uncontrollably, I stared and stared. the shock was overwhelming, I was seizing where I sat.
picking up the phone, I kept trying to call the doctor but my fingers were slippery from the tears and I couldn't make out the right number on the phone without fumbling. the anxiety and adrenaline were mounting, and panic drove me forward to getting the number right for my small town local doctor to ask, "what the fuck do I do?"
and so it began, the dialog about what the course of action would be. I followed his instructions and made the next appointment to see the specialist. and then... I sat there. of course, my mind pulled a knee jerk reaction and began to play out the worst case scenario tape ... me dead, Zman alone, life... ended. the pain, the suffering, the treatments that were torture that didn't work. my own personal Lifetime chick TV movie unfolding before my very own delusion.
let go, let go... I remembered I have the ability to release that tape and get present. I allowed myself to really feel what I was feeling, the fear, the anxiety, the unknowing and the sadness. I used my other senses to see the trees out the window, feel the seat underneath me, feel the sensations under my skin and hear the sounds from inside me to the sounds outside my window. I practiced mindfulness. I sat with what is. and in that moment, I was sitting with agony.
during this .. my electronic feed kept pumping, IM was blowing up with some random guy feeling rejected by the world and asking for advice on how to fit in, emails asking if I can do this or do that, fervent election updates and discussions, and notifications I've been poked. yes, life kept going, and would keep going with or without this happening.
and so... I keep relaying back to the memories of the Year to Live practice I once experienced. the important lessons I took away from it, and how I promised myself that I would stick to being ever present and loving. where did all that go? it seems that some of it became a habit, and some of it got lost.
on my proverbial deathbed, I had one regret that I hadn't fallen in love again. I promised myself I would let myself be open and vulnerable when the next right guy arrived. and one guy did... after that year, I met someone, I fell in love ... and when he broke my heart... I gave up on everything .. especially me.
it has been a crazy bunch of months of gradual dismissal of my self care. I became a workaholic again in a toxic situation that didn't support me. I stopped going to the gym and tossed my yoga practice. the story I told myself is that I don't deserve the dharma, and stopped sitting. I mean, I just gave up.
so hear I am... two years after I was reincarnated facing the very same scenario I put myself in on June 14th, 2009. what if you had only a year to live? (note: of course NO ONE is talking about this at this time. drs. have not concluded that it's more than a bump on a film) I've been taking inventory over the past two days about what I've given up over the past two years since I "died". it's pretty apparent that I've given up on me. this needs to be the wake up call to bring me back to that awesome place I was in on my 42nd birthday ... right before ... my heart broke and took me with it.
my friend Paul did the Year to Live practice right before me, in fact, he was a big inspiration for me to want to follow suit. I remember we were on retreat, and he said, "I wish I had more time in buddhist practice before I took this on, I wasn't ready." interesting observation, but here I am, facing this boob thing, and well, I'm not ready. I don't think we get to be ready for the last year of our life. isn't that part of the practice? having it come when we're not ready?
I spend months getting "ready" to kick off my Year to Live, I read, I planned, I made a blog... all "ready" to do this! today, it's not about being ready, it is about having no choice.
with a sense of urgency, I have invited ongoing the mindfulness practice back into my life now, because I have no choice. my intake of food, the way I treat myself, the need to be vigilant about working out, yoga, meditation and self care are more vital than ever. not because I'm possibly "sick" but because I deserve it. I'm going to break out the juicer, go for long walks, take moments throughout the day to do something un-work related and spend more time engaging with the people who truly matter.
I've decided, that maybe, with or without a bad diagnosis, it's time to do a do-over on the Year to Live. why? because the universe is telling me I have to, because the quality of my life depends on it. ready or not... I wake up tomorrow and start again.
Friday, January 6, 2012
reincarnated livelihood becomes right livelihood
when I embarked on my year to live practice back in June of 2009, I was employed by an abusive employer in a toxic work environment. during those days, while I was exploring how I wanted to 'end' my life... I knew that this was something I very much wanted to change. getting up in the morning and leaving the house to go to work for that wretchedly domineering boss created such a high level of anxiety for me. living in fear, I was afraid to quit, because I never thought I'd find another job or means to a career ever again. despite the incredibly poor working conditions, the abuse, the control and the overall lack of respect my employer had for me, I remained accountable and continued to work that thankless job with all the excellence I could muster. it doesn't take very much for me to reflect on that time, I relive the painful anxiety I felt daily. fear was driving my decisions, and for me, I couldn't see a way out.
a few months after I started my year to live practice... and over a year in that position.... I had promoted an awesome event for the 3rd time, doubled the numbers from the year before, brought in thousands more dollars and heaps of press for the company. it was an unbelievable success!!! as I walked into work that next morning, I expected applause and a raise. instead, I was called into my boss' office and terminated!!! continuing to feed my fear, as he illegally threatened me... I agreed to his terms and with integrity and diplomacy, I finalized my working arrangement with class and grace.
as I walked out the door, no one knowing I had been fired, I felt a certain sense of pride in my accountability and ability to be so professional despite the circumstances. I remember getting in my car and driving out of the parking lot that morning... and as I drove down the main drag, out of Rhinebeck, and over the Kingston/Rhinecliff Bridge, I made a promise to myself.... never again will I let myself erode like that in a work environment again. I swore on that day that I would spend the rest of my life broke before going through something like that again.
I went back to school. my freelance work was slow but steady enough to cover my expenses. I cut back on my spending to mere needs like food and utilities. like a good little buddhist, I let go of material needs and replaced them with a feeling of peace I hadn't felt in some time (if ever). despite my financial state, the fear of economic insecurity left me... and I relished that I had a chance to break the fetters of abuse to find a new path. letting go of the desperate chase, the fearful dynamic and the need to grab onto something.... I put myself first and embarked on a new way to support myself. I let work come to me.
what, work come to me? yes.... without fighting for it... I've learned to attract work and treat my right livelihood as a priority.
fast forward.... to today. I had an awesome day. my career seems to be attached to positive opportunity... and the energy and excitement around it is inspiring. I'm surrounded by interesting projects, new opportunities to learn new things, clients who encourage me, people who say thank you and a feeling of encouragement I haven't felt in many, many years. my lifestyle choices are nourished by the kinds of work I am doing, and I can see balance ahead in my future. it's not in my present, but the life I dreamed of... that life of being able to support myself and take care of myself by working with people who want to take care of me... it is coming to fruition.
this process that is unfolding is directly related to the experiences I had during my year to live practice. I'm so incredibly grateful today... yes, gratitude for my livelihood, not only because I have work but because I'm surrounded by positive projects and people who chose to encourage, educate and inspire me.
since my death, I've had days where I wondered what I died for. right now, it's pretty clear that I died to feel like 'this', enthusiastic about my career path and all the people who are in it.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
What the fuck did I die for? (reprise)
Since my death over a year ago, I have often asked myself the same question, "What the fuck did I die for?" After I was reborn, dead then awakened or whatever, I came to the conclusion that I had transformed and that life could be different.
I've been seeking, reaching and willfully making every effort to manifest big change. Let me tell you ... there has been a giant multi-round sumo wrestling match between my desire and my life. Guess which one isn't winning?
This past Thursday, the forward momentum of this whirlwind journey of change came to a screeching halt. Driving three hours back from NYC in crazy traffic back to the little cabin, I was pleasantly surprised when a familiar feeling returned that I hadn't experienced in some time. It was.........
surrender.
I just ... let it go... every emotion I could have drummed up, the self-judgment, the anger... all the things I know how to bring to the manifested pity party... but there was no pity party. There was no room for any of the hindrances that were going to pull me away from the most balanced moment I had experienced in months.
surrender.
I've surrendered over the past few years and have felt a sense of grace, this was a bit similar but different. There was a pleasing sort of void that accompanied my wave of the white flag. Instead of an outside demon, I was waving this flag at myself.
By the time I got home, it was dark. My child was beyond elated to see me, running into my arms and jumping on me as though he hadn't seen me in months. We walked into our house together, I made him some late night dinner, afterwords we snuggled up and I let him fall asleep in my arms in my bed as though he were still my little baby boy. We laid there in my bed, him in my arms breathing that heavy sleep sound. I was so happy to be home in my bed with my kid.
"What the fuck did I die for?"
Oh yeah, I died to appreciate 'THIS'. What this? This thing, this life, this moment, this breath, this place, that I'm here that I have this life that I'm in now. Since last week, I've been mindful again, I started meditating again, I took myself to a spa for a day, bought a juicer and started juicing, went to my son's school open house, going for long walks in the morning, packing my son's lunch, going through my son's homework, reading, taking moment by moment.
If you've been following along, I truly believed that I lost my religion. My sense of spiritual self seemed to vanish the past few months. Of course, this transition and cross-roads is just another reminder that feeling of losing my sense of self is just part of my path. This is all part of my journey and there are lessons to take.
Most importantly, I go back to the answer to "What the fuck did I die for?" and I can say... I died so I can live.
I forgot how much I appreciate the life I've created here at the magical lil cabin in the woods. My world is filled with beautiful landscape, a wonderful home, the most awesome kid and people around me who really like me. I've made a place for myself right here. There's no need to run, because why would I want to run from the life I have? I guess I thought the classic green grass would make me more fulfilled and happy. Instead that green grass wasn't very green at all.
I don't regret letting go of my 'feeling' of dying and being reborn. I anticipate seeking other fences to jump throughout my lifetime. In my deepest struggles and hardest suffering comes the best lessons. I've been reminded of two things;
1) Acceptance is the answer.
2) I have much to be grateful for.
This missive may read like a gratitude list, but frankly, I've been so confused about what the point of my Year to Live practice was, I'm glad to find a moment of clarity to ride on. My life is really awesome, not perfect, not wealthy, not this not that.... but everything I have is really worth relishing. Almost losing it made it clear how precious it really is.
I've been seeking, reaching and willfully making every effort to manifest big change. Let me tell you ... there has been a giant multi-round sumo wrestling match between my desire and my life. Guess which one isn't winning?
This past Thursday, the forward momentum of this whirlwind journey of change came to a screeching halt. Driving three hours back from NYC in crazy traffic back to the little cabin, I was pleasantly surprised when a familiar feeling returned that I hadn't experienced in some time. It was.........
surrender.
I just ... let it go... every emotion I could have drummed up, the self-judgment, the anger... all the things I know how to bring to the manifested pity party... but there was no pity party. There was no room for any of the hindrances that were going to pull me away from the most balanced moment I had experienced in months.
surrender.
I've surrendered over the past few years and have felt a sense of grace, this was a bit similar but different. There was a pleasing sort of void that accompanied my wave of the white flag. Instead of an outside demon, I was waving this flag at myself.
By the time I got home, it was dark. My child was beyond elated to see me, running into my arms and jumping on me as though he hadn't seen me in months. We walked into our house together, I made him some late night dinner, afterwords we snuggled up and I let him fall asleep in my arms in my bed as though he were still my little baby boy. We laid there in my bed, him in my arms breathing that heavy sleep sound. I was so happy to be home in my bed with my kid.
"What the fuck did I die for?"
Oh yeah, I died to appreciate 'THIS'. What this? This thing, this life, this moment, this breath, this place, that I'm here that I have this life that I'm in now. Since last week, I've been mindful again, I started meditating again, I took myself to a spa for a day, bought a juicer and started juicing, went to my son's school open house, going for long walks in the morning, packing my son's lunch, going through my son's homework, reading, taking moment by moment.
If you've been following along, I truly believed that I lost my religion. My sense of spiritual self seemed to vanish the past few months. Of course, this transition and cross-roads is just another reminder that feeling of losing my sense of self is just part of my path. This is all part of my journey and there are lessons to take.
Most importantly, I go back to the answer to "What the fuck did I die for?" and I can say... I died so I can live.
I forgot how much I appreciate the life I've created here at the magical lil cabin in the woods. My world is filled with beautiful landscape, a wonderful home, the most awesome kid and people around me who really like me. I've made a place for myself right here. There's no need to run, because why would I want to run from the life I have? I guess I thought the classic green grass would make me more fulfilled and happy. Instead that green grass wasn't very green at all.
I don't regret letting go of my 'feeling' of dying and being reborn. I anticipate seeking other fences to jump throughout my lifetime. In my deepest struggles and hardest suffering comes the best lessons. I've been reminded of two things;
1) Acceptance is the answer.
2) I have much to be grateful for.
This missive may read like a gratitude list, but frankly, I've been so confused about what the point of my Year to Live practice was, I'm glad to find a moment of clarity to ride on. My life is really awesome, not perfect, not wealthy, not this not that.... but everything I have is really worth relishing. Almost losing it made it clear how precious it really is.
Friday, December 31, 2010
fill in the blank
so I've been spending a few days, staring at this page trying to craft a brilliant solution based end of year missive about life after death. frankly, I'm pulling a blank.
my friend Dan Barton sent me this Thomas Mann quote, "A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."
perhaps this is what drives me, the challenges. when life is about coasting, and there isn't much work to be done, it can be rather boring.
it is the struggle, the challenge, the suffering, the pain, the difficulties that present lessons and make life a far more interesting ride. I'm certainly not inviting struggle, in fact, I have great disdain for complications. but here I am, struggling.... my financial situation is a drag, I'm unemployed for the first time in my life for months and months and teetering on how I'm going to make it to next week.
ok, here come the groovy people, telling me to make a gratitude list. here's some gratitude, I'm grateful to be breathing air, right now, air, grateful air is going in and out of my lungs.
2010 was a wretched struggle. from beginning to end, I've peeled layers of the onion that revealed fear, pain and opened myself to the things I'd rather run from, mainly love.
yet, maybe there is much more to be grateful for.
tonight I gather with friends and facilitate a gathering where we come together to invite in the precepts, let go of what doesn't serve us, and set intentions for 2011. I feel a little bit like an imposter in my own skin, because I'm not sure I can stand up with my peers and say, I'm practicing these principals in all my affairs. maybe that's my intention... something simple like... bringing it back to the practice. getting back to basics, and putting mindfulness back into my daily life, letting go of expectations and outcomes and most importantly, continuing to walk through my fear and be ready for the true love that stands a few feet in front of me. it is very close. possibility is back in my heart. I am ready.
hmmm... maybe I do have a solution, maybe my torment was that I didn't want to just admit... I'm a human being like everyone else and it is ok to have to go back to the beginning and start fresh with what is next. perhaps I didn't die for nothing... it looks like my life on this side is still very different than where I was on June 14th 2009.... maybe there is gratitude beyond my breath, like my repaired relationship with my family and most importantly the close bond I have with my son. that I can be friends with my ex-husband and that he came to me and made his own amends. that I know that people LOVE me, people whom I value and care for greatly and respect and admire. most importantly, as corny as it might be... my heart is inside out today, the scar tissue turned inside and the vulnerable, raw bits are out there.... possibility has returned to me... I FEEL my heart beating inside my chest again... after all this time, and that is without a doubt something to be very, very grateful for.
so, 2010 might have been a sucky year, but it was full of milestones and a couple of kidney stones... all of which have passed.... just as tough times usually do.
so ... cheers! to whatever is next.... I stand up, spiritual warrior... ready to face life ahead, regardless of what date it is.
my friend Dan Barton sent me this Thomas Mann quote, "A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."
perhaps this is what drives me, the challenges. when life is about coasting, and there isn't much work to be done, it can be rather boring.
it is the struggle, the challenge, the suffering, the pain, the difficulties that present lessons and make life a far more interesting ride. I'm certainly not inviting struggle, in fact, I have great disdain for complications. but here I am, struggling.... my financial situation is a drag, I'm unemployed for the first time in my life for months and months and teetering on how I'm going to make it to next week.
ok, here come the groovy people, telling me to make a gratitude list. here's some gratitude, I'm grateful to be breathing air, right now, air, grateful air is going in and out of my lungs.
2010 was a wretched struggle. from beginning to end, I've peeled layers of the onion that revealed fear, pain and opened myself to the things I'd rather run from, mainly love.
yet, maybe there is much more to be grateful for.
tonight I gather with friends and facilitate a gathering where we come together to invite in the precepts, let go of what doesn't serve us, and set intentions for 2011. I feel a little bit like an imposter in my own skin, because I'm not sure I can stand up with my peers and say, I'm practicing these principals in all my affairs. maybe that's my intention... something simple like... bringing it back to the practice. getting back to basics, and putting mindfulness back into my daily life, letting go of expectations and outcomes and most importantly, continuing to walk through my fear and be ready for the true love that stands a few feet in front of me. it is very close. possibility is back in my heart. I am ready.
hmmm... maybe I do have a solution, maybe my torment was that I didn't want to just admit... I'm a human being like everyone else and it is ok to have to go back to the beginning and start fresh with what is next. perhaps I didn't die for nothing... it looks like my life on this side is still very different than where I was on June 14th 2009.... maybe there is gratitude beyond my breath, like my repaired relationship with my family and most importantly the close bond I have with my son. that I can be friends with my ex-husband and that he came to me and made his own amends. that I know that people LOVE me, people whom I value and care for greatly and respect and admire. most importantly, as corny as it might be... my heart is inside out today, the scar tissue turned inside and the vulnerable, raw bits are out there.... possibility has returned to me... I FEEL my heart beating inside my chest again... after all this time, and that is without a doubt something to be very, very grateful for.
so, 2010 might have been a sucky year, but it was full of milestones and a couple of kidney stones... all of which have passed.... just as tough times usually do.
so ... cheers! to whatever is next.... I stand up, spiritual warrior... ready to face life ahead, regardless of what date it is.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
2010 the year I died, and then what
lying on my deathbed watching the True Blood premier on June 13th,
I examined my year, my life.... and had but one regret....
I began my year with an adventure abroad.
When I came home, my life was still there...
so I made, changes, upped my practice, meditated more, and slowly chipped away at the toxicity of my life... and cleared out the things that messed with my serenity.
There was unfinished business and goals I might have held out on, had I not been dying.
I went back to school, I started and completed my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training, worked hard on my relationship with my son, made amends to my ex-husband and family... and made great strides and accomplishments. My life ended successfully.
but there was...
one regret....
so here I am, six months later, lingering on ... my one regret..... it is the thing I want most, and the thing that I have no control over.
on my deathbed, I practiced acceptance and decided that my life was not about what I don't have, but about what I do have. I agreed with myself, that I would let go and be ok with life as it is. life on life's terms. my karma would dictate my path.
as I let go... the floodgates opened... and the boy-attention began... without doing anything at all, they have come into my life, one by one, a parade of false starts. what is the redeeming quality of each of these potential suitors... I did nothing to seek them out or make them happen. they manifested on their own, no online dating or manipulative event planning. these guys, one by one, have come into my life organically. this should sound great, but actually, it kind of sucks. while I appreciate all the men that have and are flitting around me... I sense that these opportunities have been around me my entire life... I've just been too much of a control freak and life manipulator to notice them before.
regardless, it is irrelevant. my one regret still remains.
a lot of things in my life sorta suck right now. I'm not working, this semester kicked my ass, I got sick a lot this past fall, I'm gloomy a lot more than happy, I feel my suffering more deeply in my sobriety than ever before... life just feels hard right now. all these things, seem so inconsequential to the one thing that matters most.... Love. it comes in many forms, and I am lucky, I've manifested a lot of Love in my life. my friends and family and son love me greatly. even my sick twisted dysfunctional family Loves me. but there's that hole in my chest, no matter how hard I Love myself... it is that lesson I learned in death... nothing is more important... nothing caused me more pain... that I didn't find that one true great love before I died.
it's not like I'm dead, I'm here. I exist.
as the New Year approaches and people are thinking about their resolutions, I'm putting my energy on Intentions for 2011. the only thing I can come up with;
I set an intention to break through my fears about love....
I examined my year, my life.... and had but one regret....
I began my year with an adventure abroad.
When I came home, my life was still there...
so I made, changes, upped my practice, meditated more, and slowly chipped away at the toxicity of my life... and cleared out the things that messed with my serenity.
There was unfinished business and goals I might have held out on, had I not been dying.
I went back to school, I started and completed my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training, worked hard on my relationship with my son, made amends to my ex-husband and family... and made great strides and accomplishments. My life ended successfully.
but there was...
one regret....
so here I am, six months later, lingering on ... my one regret..... it is the thing I want most, and the thing that I have no control over.
on my deathbed, I practiced acceptance and decided that my life was not about what I don't have, but about what I do have. I agreed with myself, that I would let go and be ok with life as it is. life on life's terms. my karma would dictate my path.
as I let go... the floodgates opened... and the boy-attention began... without doing anything at all, they have come into my life, one by one, a parade of false starts. what is the redeeming quality of each of these potential suitors... I did nothing to seek them out or make them happen. they manifested on their own, no online dating or manipulative event planning. these guys, one by one, have come into my life organically. this should sound great, but actually, it kind of sucks. while I appreciate all the men that have and are flitting around me... I sense that these opportunities have been around me my entire life... I've just been too much of a control freak and life manipulator to notice them before.
regardless, it is irrelevant. my one regret still remains.
a lot of things in my life sorta suck right now. I'm not working, this semester kicked my ass, I got sick a lot this past fall, I'm gloomy a lot more than happy, I feel my suffering more deeply in my sobriety than ever before... life just feels hard right now. all these things, seem so inconsequential to the one thing that matters most.... Love. it comes in many forms, and I am lucky, I've manifested a lot of Love in my life. my friends and family and son love me greatly. even my sick twisted dysfunctional family Loves me. but there's that hole in my chest, no matter how hard I Love myself... it is that lesson I learned in death... nothing is more important... nothing caused me more pain... that I didn't find that one true great love before I died.
it's not like I'm dead, I'm here. I exist.
as the New Year approaches and people are thinking about their resolutions, I'm putting my energy on Intentions for 2011. the only thing I can come up with;
I set an intention to break through my fears about love....
Sunday, September 5, 2010
what did I die for anyway?
life after death isn't really all it's cracked up to be.
after putting so much effort to make the most out of my life, I found myself creeping right back into the old patterns I thought I had left behind. it was unreasonable and unfair to myself to assume that I was transformed to such an extent that everything would be ultimately different. its not.
Life hasn't changed!
ok, maybe I'm being a bit of a drama queen here, but I did find myself going back into some old patterns that I worked so hard to get out of the Year I died.
before I died, I was working for a micro-managing abusive boss in a toxic work environment that was going to kill me if I didn't kill myself first. I swore, I'd never allow myself to work in a toxic workplace again.
maybe that is the point, that all workplaces are toxic to some degree, but I think it is something else. it is a kind of person that I work for, the micro manager that slowly abuses me and verbally harms me with words that are difficult to pull myself out from under.
if you hadn't heard, I lost a job I was pretty psyched about last week. I jumped right in and worked very hard from the starting gate. by day three, my new boss was telling me, "I don't know if this is going to work," and I heard her say this over and over and over.
by the time we got to six weeks, my fear in approaching her or talking to her about anything related to my performance was evolving, and I could feel that painful twang and fear I had felt before at 'the restaurant'. it was amazing, how could two totally different people have the same motivational tactic that caused me so much strife?
school started last week, and it was understood I'd be returning on August 30th. after putting off some very serious administrative issues I had no choice but to put me first and go deal with the paperwork. while running around like a chicken with its head cut off, literally, I was asking myself, what the fuck did I die for?
what's more important? and I realized, while crying my eyes out trying to fix my account with student accounts, how badly I wanted to be back in school and the big priority completing my education is to ME.
I didn't die to beg another stupid boss to treat me like a human being and allow me to a good job and notice me. I died to live my life in a way that was fruitful, and productive. There was a commitment I made to myself when I died, and one of those gifts was my education and finishing my degree at Bard.
I made other commitments. I finish my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training next weekend! there's my commitment to practice and the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group. to be healthy, eat better, be more compassionate, be in service, do more yoga, work out at the gym, spend time with my son, be a great mom.
this summer after my death, I did 'Me' half assed because I was in fear. I tip toed around Me because I was scrambling and afraid that I couldn't support my son and I. in reality, I missed out on a lot of the promises and plans I made to myself, my kiddo, and my community.
In my mind, I keep hearing myself say, "what the fuck did I die for?"
I've been wanting to respond to the question on this blog, but up until this morning at 8am on a holiday sunday, it hit me... I DIED FOR ME and it is time to get back to that commitment and honor it.
last night, the topic of the unmentionable meeting was about putting 'sobriety' first. I challenge that idea and say that it is really more about putting 'ME' first. if you're a working mom like me, you know that ain't easy. it takes immense practice to put 'ME' ahead of other things.
when I got let go from my beloved new job via voicemail, where I was called unprofessional, by voicemail (WTF!) not only was I sad, angry, hurt, betrayed and dismayed....... (NOTE: Clearly I'm writing this with a lot of resentments still and I'm aware that there are many lessons here for me) I was also RELIEVED! sounds crazy right? I was let go of having to please someone else who was setting me up to fail as a form of motivation. I could stop running on a hamster wheel, and get back to the life I died for.
after our annual three week summer break, I get my Zman back today. I offered to get him a day early so we could 'hang' out and spend some time together before he starts school on Tuesday. I'm putting this down on proverbial paper, to say, I want to insure that I'm honoring my commitment to be present and honor my little kiddo.
so let's review the gifts of death I was so happy about only three months ago;
my motherhood, which is a miracle
my spiritual practice, meditation, yoga
my body, working out, eating more compassionately
my spiritual training, completing my Facilitator Training
my education, back in school
my family, I still need to make amends to my sister
maybe I need to create a 'Grateful to be Dead' list and keep it handy, so I can continue to remind myself what I reincarnated back to this life for. hmmmm...... that sounds like a good idea!
it feels as though I died years ago. it was really easy to get away from the importance of my death and the lessons that came with it. the transitions of the past week were substantial, and I'm very thankful for the wake up call to get back into my life and honor the things that are true to ME.
after putting so much effort to make the most out of my life, I found myself creeping right back into the old patterns I thought I had left behind. it was unreasonable and unfair to myself to assume that I was transformed to such an extent that everything would be ultimately different. its not.
Life hasn't changed!
ok, maybe I'm being a bit of a drama queen here, but I did find myself going back into some old patterns that I worked so hard to get out of the Year I died.
before I died, I was working for a micro-managing abusive boss in a toxic work environment that was going to kill me if I didn't kill myself first. I swore, I'd never allow myself to work in a toxic workplace again.
maybe that is the point, that all workplaces are toxic to some degree, but I think it is something else. it is a kind of person that I work for, the micro manager that slowly abuses me and verbally harms me with words that are difficult to pull myself out from under.
if you hadn't heard, I lost a job I was pretty psyched about last week. I jumped right in and worked very hard from the starting gate. by day three, my new boss was telling me, "I don't know if this is going to work," and I heard her say this over and over and over.
by the time we got to six weeks, my fear in approaching her or talking to her about anything related to my performance was evolving, and I could feel that painful twang and fear I had felt before at 'the restaurant'. it was amazing, how could two totally different people have the same motivational tactic that caused me so much strife?
school started last week, and it was understood I'd be returning on August 30th. after putting off some very serious administrative issues I had no choice but to put me first and go deal with the paperwork. while running around like a chicken with its head cut off, literally, I was asking myself, what the fuck did I die for?
what's more important? and I realized, while crying my eyes out trying to fix my account with student accounts, how badly I wanted to be back in school and the big priority completing my education is to ME.
I didn't die to beg another stupid boss to treat me like a human being and allow me to a good job and notice me. I died to live my life in a way that was fruitful, and productive. There was a commitment I made to myself when I died, and one of those gifts was my education and finishing my degree at Bard.
I made other commitments. I finish my Dharma Punx Facilitator Training next weekend! there's my commitment to practice and the Dharma Punx Hudson Valley group. to be healthy, eat better, be more compassionate, be in service, do more yoga, work out at the gym, spend time with my son, be a great mom.
this summer after my death, I did 'Me' half assed because I was in fear. I tip toed around Me because I was scrambling and afraid that I couldn't support my son and I. in reality, I missed out on a lot of the promises and plans I made to myself, my kiddo, and my community.
In my mind, I keep hearing myself say, "what the fuck did I die for?"
I've been wanting to respond to the question on this blog, but up until this morning at 8am on a holiday sunday, it hit me... I DIED FOR ME and it is time to get back to that commitment and honor it.
last night, the topic of the unmentionable meeting was about putting 'sobriety' first. I challenge that idea and say that it is really more about putting 'ME' first. if you're a working mom like me, you know that ain't easy. it takes immense practice to put 'ME' ahead of other things.
when I got let go from my beloved new job via voicemail, where I was called unprofessional, by voicemail (WTF!) not only was I sad, angry, hurt, betrayed and dismayed....... (NOTE: Clearly I'm writing this with a lot of resentments still and I'm aware that there are many lessons here for me) I was also RELIEVED! sounds crazy right? I was let go of having to please someone else who was setting me up to fail as a form of motivation. I could stop running on a hamster wheel, and get back to the life I died for.
after our annual three week summer break, I get my Zman back today. I offered to get him a day early so we could 'hang' out and spend some time together before he starts school on Tuesday. I'm putting this down on proverbial paper, to say, I want to insure that I'm honoring my commitment to be present and honor my little kiddo.
so let's review the gifts of death I was so happy about only three months ago;
my motherhood, which is a miracle
my spiritual practice, meditation, yoga
my body, working out, eating more compassionately
my spiritual training, completing my Facilitator Training
my education, back in school
my family, I still need to make amends to my sister
maybe I need to create a 'Grateful to be Dead' list and keep it handy, so I can continue to remind myself what I reincarnated back to this life for. hmmmm...... that sounds like a good idea!
it feels as though I died years ago. it was really easy to get away from the importance of my death and the lessons that came with it. the transitions of the past week were substantial, and I'm very thankful for the wake up call to get back into my life and honor the things that are true to ME.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Last Will... living or otherwise
My name is Elissa Jane Mastel, I'm a divorced woman, and this is my last will.
I have a child, Zoren Mastel born 2002 that I want to provide for.
Anything I have in regards to finances or property will automatically transfer to Zoren. My life insurance policy, mutual funds, savings, etc... All go to the Zman. There is a college fund set up in his name as well.
I name my mother Doris Hillman and my ex-husband Randall Mastel as co-executors of my estate. Robert S. Hillman is named as the alternate executor of my estate.
I award legal guardianship of my son to Randall Mastel & Doris Hillman, and name my sister Rachel Hillman as the alternate.
Rachel Hillman is the trustee for the child trust created by this Will.
Burial Instructions
I wish to be cremated. I want to be cremated and thrown into the ocean from a high cliff. You can put a bench there for people to sit on in my name. There should be music, and I want you to play "Lucky" by Radiohead as you spread my ashes into the ocean. It can be any beach or sea, I just want to make sure I end up back from where man came from... the water.
I want the service to be performed by my family, no religious person or denomination shall be present. I'd like there to be a 10 minute silent meditation after I'm put in the ocean, just quiet.
that's it....
I have a child, Zoren Mastel born 2002 that I want to provide for.
Anything I have in regards to finances or property will automatically transfer to Zoren. My life insurance policy, mutual funds, savings, etc... All go to the Zman. There is a college fund set up in his name as well.
I name my mother Doris Hillman and my ex-husband Randall Mastel as co-executors of my estate. Robert S. Hillman is named as the alternate executor of my estate.
I award legal guardianship of my son to Randall Mastel & Doris Hillman, and name my sister Rachel Hillman as the alternate.
Rachel Hillman is the trustee for the child trust created by this Will.
Burial Instructions
I wish to be cremated. I want to be cremated and thrown into the ocean from a high cliff. You can put a bench there for people to sit on in my name. There should be music, and I want you to play "Lucky" by Radiohead as you spread my ashes into the ocean. It can be any beach or sea, I just want to make sure I end up back from where man came from... the water.
I want the service to be performed by my family, no religious person or denomination shall be present. I'd like there to be a 10 minute silent meditation after I'm put in the ocean, just quiet.
that's it....
Z says....
tonight, Zman came home from his Dad's, and we had a wonderful almost last night together. I cooked dinner, and we watched the latest Star Trek movie.
we cuddled on the couch, took a break to see the fireflies glittering up the hazy rainy night, stayed up late, and I let him curl up and fall asleep on me as though he were still my little baby. he insisted on sleeping in my bed, as this could be the last night he gets to snuggle me. I obliged.
as we curled up, and snuggled up in my bed, he made the following observations, which I feel sum up my Year to Live Practice very well;
I'm filled with GRATITUDE that this experience was so inclusive of him, and that he and I morphed together during this journey.
he promised, next time if I'm really dying, he'll snuggle me every night, even if he's all grown up.
if I didn't have this year on the line, I might not have had the wake up call about changing the way I parent. it brings me so much joy that my son has a mindful and present mom. I love being Z's mom, and I'm so glad I didn't let another second go by where I took that for granted.
we cuddled on the couch, took a break to see the fireflies glittering up the hazy rainy night, stayed up late, and I let him curl up and fall asleep on me as though he were still my little baby. he insisted on sleeping in my bed, as this could be the last night he gets to snuggle me. I obliged.
as we curled up, and snuggled up in my bed, he made the following observations, which I feel sum up my Year to Live Practice very well;
- The year went very fast, I remember everything. All the details. It seems like you just started yesterday.
- You're different because you don't just sit on the couch and do nothing, you're a good mommy and you play with me now.
- I like that you try all these new things, like the snowboarding, going to the gym and surfing and that you got me to learn those things with you too.
- You used to be so angry all the time, like mean and angry and now you're not.
- The mornings are cool because you don't yell so much anymore.
- I like that you do stuff with me, like play games and hang out like a real mommy.
- And the most important part is that you seem really happy a lot, and that's really cool.
- I'm glad you're not really dying, but if you were it would go so fast. I'm glad we played this game, because it was scary but good at the same time.
- I Love You Mamma.
I'm filled with GRATITUDE that this experience was so inclusive of him, and that he and I morphed together during this journey.
he promised, next time if I'm really dying, he'll snuggle me every night, even if he's all grown up.
if I didn't have this year on the line, I might not have had the wake up call about changing the way I parent. it brings me so much joy that my son has a mindful and present mom. I love being Z's mom, and I'm so glad I didn't let another second go by where I took that for granted.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
